How to handle my mother undermining my parenting

[crispysausagerolls]

My mother and I are close, and see each other almost every day. However, she has recently really started to overstep the mark where DS is concerned. He is EBF (6 months) and I found out she keeps formula at her place in case she needs to feed him! Without asking or discussing with me. If I do anything in front of her she always corrects me “God crispy, dab his nose don’t wipe it, poor baby!”, and deliberately ignores and argues with what i ask her eg she insisted DS could have watered down juice when sick, which i agreed to, and then she gave him pure juice! When I explained I wasn’t fine with that she said “you had it and we’re fine” and became extremely stroppy. Everything I read or hear that she doesn’t agree with is “nonsense”’and is ridiculed, like the dangers of babywalkers. I am constantly told I have “made a rod for my own back” whilst rocking DS to sleep, which is extremely unhelpful. Many, many other things like this.

I’ve tried talking to her but she gets extremely defensive and unpleasant and says she isn’t doing anything, but I’m sure I’m not being sensitive as my husband has also been there for some of it and also thinks it’s not on.

I am absolutely not going to go no contact or anything else because I love her

That was so sad to read. She is vile, OP. She is using you for kicks. You love her unconditionally, so she knows you will carry on coming back because you want to have a positive relationship with her.

My M was similar. I too was the scapegoat, she undermined everything I did or wanted to do, and interspersed it with being helpful. She loved hurting me when I was happy, but she never sunk to the level of actually creating a huge disappointment like your bags getting packed. That was really cruel.

Do you want your children to be treated like this? Played off against each, undermined, blamed when she is at fault? I stopped contact with my M when I was pg with my first DC. It took me a while to see it through and recover, but I am so much happier than I ever was before.

Addressing your mother with respectful communication is the first step to setting boundaries with her. My guess is that sadly she will not at all respond to boundaries at all well here.

Identify what an adult relationship with your mother looks like on your terms. Make clear with your mother topics that are on-limits and off-limits. Having said all this though she may well not again respond to this at all well.

She is an adult too and it is more likely than not that her toxic ways are here to stay. All you can do is monitor your own emotions, create boundaries (both mental and physical ones here) and take care of your own self. You are also going to have to let go of the hope that you will be able to have a nice functional relationship with her. Becoming less codependent is a process of recovery and I would urge you to seek out a therapist as soon as you are able.

The days of making your mum happy are over, so give yourself a mantra to serve as a reminder. "[Say to] yourself over and over and over: 'This is my life, and I may love my mum, but I cannot let her manage, influence, and bring my life down.

It's a useful tool to visualise how she behaves with you, and how she makes you feel - then imagine how likely you'd behave that way with your child or risk making your child feel that way. The answer is usually that you never would, and even if you did, you'd do whatever it took to make things right. Whereas your mother does whatever it takes to come out of it looking good.

You could try texting her and saying not to bother coming around as you would like to discuss what happened before everything gets brushed under the carpet.

Then suggest you meet at neural location of your choice at the time of your choice and go without ds.

Just an idea.

She just showed up unannounced!!! Thankfully I was on my way out but she was offering to drive me to my thing tomorrow and when I said no she got snippy and said “ok you’re trying to push me away, if that’s what you want fine” and I explained calmly I just don’t think we have resolved anything and need to talk and she said again about not being summoned to the headmistress and I said I’m upset, she said me too and the bloody neighbour interrupted us so 🤷🏻‍♀️

Is she generally able to discuss things on an equal adult to adult footing?

The way she is reacting sounds like she expects one person all communications to be in a parent child style. Does she usually babytalk you when she is nice, or does she treat you like an adult?

I think if I really examine it she probably
Doesn’t treat me as an adult. Hence all the helpful parenting “advice”. She thinks she is in charge I suppose. But yes, the whole thing is extremely childish.

You will have to work hard to impress on her that you are an adult.

If she is giving too much advice, remind her that you are an adult, and have your own child now. When you need advice, you will ask her. Otherwise, you and your partner make parental decisions not her.

Call her out on this being called to the headmistress nonsense. She is not a child, and you expect her to be capable of a discussion as an adult.

I’ve sent her the following message:

I’m not sure how you want to move forward without a discussion. You say you are upset but have yet to verbalise why. I sent you a very detailed and reasonable explanation of why I am upset and have received no response.

She is only "upset" because its beginning slowly to dawn on her that you cannot be controlled so easily any longer. She still regards you very much as a child. The whole dynamic cannot be simply described as childish but dysfunctional.

I doubt very much that she will respond or if she does, it will be a thinly veiled attack on what she sees as your own shortcomings here or her acting as the victim yet again. The best form of defence for such people like your mother is attack. Your best strategy going forward is to lower all contact levels further; you're not getting anything good out of this relationship in any case and nor is your child.

It’s interesting that you verbalising a problem means you are pushing her away.

She has given you zero opening to resolve the problem just the statement ‘you mention you are upset with me I will withdraw my presence.’

It’s her punishment for you daring to put up a boundary and blames you for it.

Seriously, cut the apron strings with your family. Why are you all living in each other's pockets like this?

Have you ever left home completely? Often the relationship between a parent and child is forced to change when the child moves away.

If she thinks you have never really moved out because you are still under her wing in her house, she has not had to change her approach.

I used to live abroad and things were extremely strained then

SileneOliveira

The tone of your post is judgemental and unhelpful! I have lived away from her but I thought when I was pregnant it would be nice to be near her and my brothers, so DS has an extended family unit - something I did not have growing up and felt I’d missed out on. Obviously the situation is bad but there’s no need for your tone!

crispy one thing that seems absent in your posts is your husband.

You've said a couple of times that he thinks her behaviour is not on. I think you need to lean on him more, here. She's kinda your problem to solve, but you could use him for support and planning how to deal with her, and how you will handle it when she starts getting upset and manipulating you.

His opinion should count for more than your mum's shenanigans, really

You are completely right re DH. He is wonderful and supportive and always on my side BUT I think because he works such long hours (Monday-Thursday I do not see him at all) I have ended up with this dynamic of seeing my mother all the time due to loneliness. I do baby classes and have baby friends but my mother has been doing things with me that can be quite lonely etc evenings and dog walking etc. Have really made an effort to be out and about more this week and house hunting is a good project too. He was excellent st taking tomorrow off to be there for DS at short notice because he agrees I should be beholden to my mother