How to handle my mother undermining my parenting

[crispysausagerolls]

My mother and I are close, and see each other almost every day. However, she has recently really started to overstep the mark where DS is concerned. He is EBF (6 months) and I found out she keeps formula at her place in case she needs to feed him! Without asking or discussing with me. If I do anything in front of her she always corrects me “God crispy, dab his nose don’t wipe it, poor baby!”, and deliberately ignores and argues with what i ask her eg she insisted DS could have watered down juice when sick, which i agreed to, and then she gave him pure juice! When I explained I wasn’t fine with that she said “you had it and we’re fine” and became extremely stroppy. Everything I read or hear that she doesn’t agree with is “nonsense”’and is ridiculed, like the dangers of babywalkers. I am constantly told I have “made a rod for my own back” whilst rocking DS to sleep, which is extremely unhelpful. Many, many other things like this.

I’ve tried talking to her but she gets extremely defensive and unpleasant and says she isn’t doing anything, but I’m sure I’m not being sensitive as my husband has also been there for some of it and also thinks it’s not on.

My DM is really similar. With my first DC she had me second guessing everything and would always "suggest" differently. It actually got worse when he got to 3/4 as she would almost deliberately do the opposite of what I said. She also started undermining my parenting like if I put him on the naughty step she would take him back off, give him a biscuit and tell me what he didn't "wasn't that bad".

Long story short one day I snapped and just said DS is MY child, not yours. I will make my own choices, you have had your chance as a mother and now you have to take a step back and just be a grandparent so either support me or back away. She has never said a thing with DC2!

I have basically said to her that I don’t feel comfortable coming tomorrow as the two of us need to sit down and have a serious conversation. I then outlined all of the stuff in the OP and said she needs to digest it before the conversation takes place. She agreed that we need to talk so let’s see how it goes. I am fairly sure that she is going to try to somehow turn everything around and make it my fault but I am very pleased as i have DH who agrees with my wholeheartedly and means I can’t be gaslighted as he has seen it all too! I am really dreading the conversation though.

I'm sorry you're having to cope with this. I agree with PPs that you should cut down contact with your M, it will be much healthier for you. I think you'll find that it's actually easier to achieve this than you think it will be; that was my experience with my mum, I'm low contact with her and it's made my life so much less stressful.

It's very good that you're going to have it out with her, but I think you need to be prepared for her not agreeing with you, and gaslighting you. Thankfully your DH will be there to back you up, and he seems to really have your back.

Good luck

I would actually not bother having such a conversation with her because that will not go well for you. She will likely take your words as an attack and behave accordingly. She will not apologise nor accept any responsibility for her actions.

I think you're over-reacting. It's perfectly normal and natural for mums to give parenting advice to their kids (even unasked for!). People on Mumsnet will advise you to put all sorts of distance between yourself and your mum, which is terrible afvice. She's just being a bit annoying. I'm sure you annoy her too.

Berry, unless you’ve experienced the abuse of a narcissistic or controlling mother, you’re not really in a position to comment on what OP is suffering. By belittling her experience, you are effectively gaslighting her as well.

Berrytowel

But it’s not just the parenting advice is it? Is it perfectly normal for a parent to let several children live in properties rent free or for next to nothing, whilst one child pays full rent? Or to repeatedly let down one child to assist the others?

I also do think that the use of the phrase about how DS is the light of her life as opposed to her wanting ME in her life was telling.

@Babdoc Oh for God's sake. The things people call "abusive"! Sometimes people can just be a pain in the ass. That's life!

Whats your definition of abusive behaviour then?

OPs mother is not merely just a PITA here.

It sounds like she still thinks you are all children, and she has to sort you out because you are incapable of doing things right.

Maybe you are being passive and allowing her to do these things, so she never realises that you have grown up and might have an opinion.

Although you are paying market rent, do you think she believes that she is doing you a favour letting you stay in one of her houses?

I would be putting a little more distance between you. So that she realises that your home is yours and she should be invited, not assume that as it is her property, she can do what she wants. Would you be able to rent a property from someone else- or even start buying one of your own?

I think you're over-reacting. It's perfectly normal and natural for mums to give parenting advice to their kids (even unasked for!). People on Mumsnet will advise you to put all sorts of distance between yourself and your mum, which is terrible afvice. She's just being a bit annoying. I'm sure you annoy her too

So which one are you? The controlling mother or child stuck in FOG if you think this shit is ok?

Time for new boundaries OP, tell her the score and if she tries to deviate wait patiently to bring her back to the point. Don't ask her to babysit for the minute and let her tantrum when you stand your ground.

No more anything for a peaceful life.

I would also start house hunting so she doesn't have that either. It'll take a while but you might be able to have an adult relationship with her rather than a parent child.

@gamerchick Lol! Wow. You do know that some people actually work on relationships, and value family members, even if they're a bit difficult?

I wonder if all the no-contacters on Mumsnet realise it's going to bite them in the butt when they're children remove themselves from their lives because of insert buzzword behaviour here?

Narc? Or maybe just human?

I only wanted to comment on the formula because I also bought formula to keep at my house incase of emergency after my grandson was born. I have no real intention of using it because I know gs is ebf, but worried about being unable to feed a screaming baby if, say, dd's car broke down while I was babysitting. Could your dm have bought it for a similar reason, for emergencies?

The rent thing is very odd. Are your brothers all in relationships/married too? Are their properties as marketable as yours? Just wondered whether their properties were in a state of disrepair, or they were doing work on the properties in lieu of rent, or your brothers were single and on very low incomes?

I think you are overreacting about the massage. She agreed to give your brother a lift but fully expected to be back to babysit, having dil on hand to step in incase of emergency. As it happens, she was back in time as expected.

I do think you need a conversation about her overstepping boundaries. Inviting herself to the birth, moving in for ten days after the birth, undermining your parenting, all not on. Why on earth did she need to move in if she lives in the same village?

You need to be physically further away - far enough for it not to be practical to just drop in without calling to make sure you're there. Do not give her a key. Do not ask her to babysit. Stop askin her for anything - you cut off her power.

You don't have to "go no contact" you have to stop the codependent relationship.

Remove her power over you by not needing anything from her, and put physical distance between you, then you will be able to have an equal relationship.

I'm sorry to hear that she's being so difficult.
There's nothing I can say that PP's haven't already.

Just keep your chin up when you sit down and talk with her and stick to your guns. Don't let her undermine or gaslight you. YOU are ds's mum so it really doesn't matter if she disagrees with your parenting because it's not up to her. As long as he is happy, healthy and safe, she should have no reason to stick her nose in.

My mum winds me up by trying to push for things with my dd (the formula thing has come up a few times but I've repeatedly said no) but I'm probably much more vocal than I should be and shut it down instantly. She means well but there needs to be boundaries.

Agree entirely with BerryTowel why does everything have to be so extreme ? Too many people seeing 'abuse' every where and taking extreme reactions. Yes , some people have overbearing personalities. Some kids never grow up and are only too happy to rely on their parents long into adulthood. Then , when something doesn't suit , deciding the relationship is abusive.
How about just being an adult and saying 'why do we pay rent went my brothers dont' ? And if you don't like the reply then move and pay rent to someone else.
Birth - she invited herself . - sorry mum I want this to be just DH and I . (Unless you didn't in which case there's no issue)
Coming round - can you come round on x day at x time so I can plan my week ? if you want to come at another time give me a call first.
Is that all so hard . ?

Ultimately learn to be honest with her. If she does something you don't like or don't want . Say so ! Overbearing people have really thick skins and are so used to bulldozing their way through life that they don't even realise they are doing it until pulled up.
Pull her up. Every time.

I agree with patchwork. Being in your dm's position somewhat, although I hope not as overbearing and interfering, I would always want my dd to be honest if I was doing something to upset her - rather than going 'grey rock', moving far away, going low contact etc.

I would also add that, just as when you see your young child about to make a mistake that might hurt him, we as older women often see our adult children doing similar and biting our tongue is harder than you think (as you will find out one day).

We know that they're adults, that they should be making their own mistakes, that it's none of our business any more but it is very hard not to start a sentence with, "have you thought about trying....?" It often comes from love and wanting to help, and to be seen as useful and helpful. I guess sometimes our advice is out of date and to be ignored regarding parenting, but sometimes we have a little bit of experience that might be useful. Maybe just cherry pick the bits that might be useful.

Sometimes, when advice is rebuffed, that can feel like a criticism of our own parenting and it hurts. I remember dd laughing at one of my suggestions and saying it would harm the baby in some way. The words 'well you survived didn't you' are shorthand for feeling a bit hurt at the suggestion that we didn't look after her properly or were too stupid to not see when she was in danger.

I don't know what I'm trying to say really. Just that there are two sides op and I'm sure she loves you. More boundaries would be good but some of the advice here seems rather extreme. I hope you can sort it out with a conversation rather than anything more radical, especially as you say she's lovely in lots of ways.

I am absolutely not going to go no contact or anything else because I love her and mostly I enjoy our relationship! And I do agree it would be extreme and unwarranted.

However this has been eye opening and reminded me that deep down I had a difficult childhood, I was told often when she was drunk that she did not love me, and the next day she would say she said it to her me to say I loved her back etc. So our relationship has always been complicated. Also used to pack my weekend bags and lie and say my father was coming, knowing he wasn’t, so she could say he didn’t want me either. She never did that stuff to my brothers btw.

So it’s an underlying thing. I’m clearly seeking her approval - hence allowing her to the birth. Hence overlooking all the things she does that make me sad and unhappy. It’s not always easy to say no to the person you want approval from!

The reasons she lets my brothers live rent free are very outing but extremely unfair.

I will just wait for her to get in touch and when she does I will talk to her.

I’m actually supposed to have a medical procedure done this Friday that she is supposed to babysit for but to be honest I think I will just cancel it as I do not want to feel like I HAVE to make up with her by X date.

crispysausagerolls so you have a DH/ DP? He should be looking after your mutual baby while you have a medical procedure if so.

Your mother sounds properly poisonous, not just annoying. I'm not sure she should be around your child at all, based on your last post!

Does she only like boys?

Your mother was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and she has not fundamentally altered since that time. Protecting yourself is no bad thing here; your mother treats you like something she stepped in and walks all over you accordingly. I would read up on codependency and see how much of that fits in with your own self and your mother's dysfunctional relationship.

Would you have tolerated such from a friend?. Probably not, your mother is no different here.

Unfortunately some people are indeed willfully ignorant to the fact that some parents can and indeed do treat their now adult offspring because its outside their own experiences. Their minimisation of your own truth is harmful to you and I do wonder about their motives and agendas behind such comments.

I absolutely think that you do not and will not treat your son as he grows older in the ways you were yourself treated as a child. You are not her.

Is there no alternative childcare you can call on here re your forthcoming medical procedure; what about your husband?.

Oh op, your latest update is heartbreaking. How could anyone do that to a little girl. I’m so sorry that was your childhood.
Your mother abused you. Why would she think you’d take the advice of such a horrible mother.
Please go see a counsellor and please don’t let her watch your son and have the chance to horrible to him. I’m sorry she’s still making your life hard x

I'm so sorry, OP, she really is awful. You really should consider seeing a therapist. It can be so helpful to process what you went through in a safe environment.

If you can't face going NC with her at this stage, you should consider going low contact.

Oh op, that was a wicked thing to do to you as a child. Horrendous.

Have you ever been to counselling to discuss this stuff?