How to handle my mother undermining my parenting

[crispysausagerolls]

My mother and I are close, and see each other almost every day. However, she has recently really started to overstep the mark where DS is concerned. He is EBF (6 months) and I found out she keeps formula at her place in case she needs to feed him! Without asking or discussing with me. If I do anything in front of her she always corrects me “God crispy, dab his nose don’t wipe it, poor baby!”, and deliberately ignores and argues with what i ask her eg she insisted DS could have watered down juice when sick, which i agreed to, and then she gave him pure juice! When I explained I wasn’t fine with that she said “you had it and we’re fine” and became extremely stroppy. Everything I read or hear that she doesn’t agree with is “nonsense”’and is ridiculed, like the dangers of babywalkers. I am constantly told I have “made a rod for my own back” whilst rocking DS to sleep, which is extremely unhelpful. Many, many other things like this.

I’ve tried talking to her but she gets extremely defensive and unpleasant and says she isn’t doing anything, but I’m sure I’m not being sensitive as my husband has also been there for some of it and also thinks it’s not on.

Do you want her to come round tomorrow?

She doesn't have to come. You don't have to go out or have an alternative activity. You could just say no thanks, another day is better.

Agree with the above, also if you want to actually talk with her, can ds be somewhere else?

If she comes and doesn’t stay as ds isn’t there, that will let you know how much she wants a relationship with you as well as your ds.

You could also ask her if she is coming to clear the air. although that would be so scary for me so understand if you are reluctant.

It's difficult at this stage, as you are just beginning to see that changes are necessary, that it isn't healthy to avoid conflict in the name of keeping everything calm.

Calm like this is dependent on you behaving a certain way, respect from her is dependent on you doing what she deems worthy of respect - usually what's in her best interest.

Focus on your own little family. Go out more, be unavailable, ignore the phone. Find out what your days look like when they're filled with only good things.

It’s up to you if she comes round. You know this, don’t you? She doesn’t get to come unless you want her to.

I really think it would help if you were to stop her every time she comments on your parenting. Stock phrases eg ‘This is how I’m doing this, thanks, I am his mother, not you and I will do what is best for MY child.’ It will only take a couple of times before she realises that you won’t tolerate more of her undermining shit.

As for the rent thing, I’d ask for a permanent reduction, especially given you’re on ml.

As for the rent thing, I’d ask for a permanent reduction, especially given you’re on ml.

I definitely don’t want to do this, as a PP says I don’t want to be beholden. I’m also not on ML I’m a SAHM mother and we don’t need the money so absolutely not worth it.

On one hand I want her to come round as I want to resolve things but on the other I don’t think there’s a clear resolution and discussing it makes me feel a bit sick.

She has been sending me lots of very loving messages over the last two days which, as weird as it sounds, is strengthening my resolve about making changes

"Sorry, I already have plans tomorrow. I'll get in touch when I've worked out when I'm free next."

Move out of the village as soon as you can. There will be no changes in your relationship while your finances are entangled.

Make the visits a pre-organised day or days a week, whatever you're comfortable with.

BUT bear in mind it works both ways. If you pull back on visits etc you can expect babysitting at the drop of a hat. Not saying you are doing that already, but avoid it in the future as it's again more leverage over you.

*can't expect 🙄

Urgh. My mum's very similar. Currently not speaking to her until she apologises about the last bout of this nonsense (hell may well freeze over first). It's unacceptable and she's got to learn that. No advice, but solidarity from another member of the controlling-mother club.

The sooner you live in a house she doesn't own the better! Start to distance yourself to one visit a week - then get down to one a month ! She's ott !! Personally I'd not be so polite - I'd just tell her to fuck off !

I get the fact that all the loving messages aren’t working. It’s because you eyes are opened and you can see it for the tactic it is, and not genuine feelings.

She throws love at you until you are back in your place and then it will stop.

Play this the way that you feel is best for you at the moment. Later you may regret it, but that is part of the course where you try different things to see what works and what doesn’t.

Just remember, it’s about YOU. not her.

Sort this out now.

I have teenagers and my mothers need for power and control means she undermines me.

It's hard to parent when she does this.

If I could go back in time I would have gone no contact.

scifi

I can only imagine - must be extremely challenging!!!

We have a contract with her until the end of the year but we are trying to find somewhere to live all the same/might overlap rent and mortgage.

Keep looking for another place to live; you really do need to put physical as well as mental distance between you and your mother.

Surely you're able to give reasonable notice under the terms of your contract? Any original contract would have been a fixed term but usually subsequent terms are a rollover where you can give something like two months notice.

Who wants to put money on her offering you a discount the moment you put your notice in?

Can’t have you out of her control!

There will be an enormous fallout once any 'child' wants to live in their own home.

She knows we have been looking but also created an enormous drama over that on the family group chat but was “just joking” when pulled up on it.

We agreed to a fixed term of 2 years as she had very good tenants before us who she would’ve liked to have stayed if we didn’t move in, so it would’ve been Unfair to move in and out within 2 years. Which I see the point behind.

She called me this morning to check up on something to do with DS’ health and was again extremely nice and kind and loving and friendly - actually very over the top. And said she will come round this afternoon and stay for bathtime etc.

I just feel like a coward but this situation has completely run away from me I could cry! Here’s just this awkward conversation hanging over us and i feel really weird and guilty about the whole thing now.

It won't get better til you bite the bullet you know. Even if time drifts on and no one brings it up then it will linger in the background as a sore point, becuase you know you need to bring it up - so does your husband.

The 'niceness' is a reward for not challenging her.

Tbh about the rent, yes I can see the point that you feel obligated to stay there BUT your son and your husband > any other obligations, at all. They have to come first and if she's being extremely interfering then you have to make a choice. No choice is also a choice, sadly.

You are still in the early process of working out what the hell os going on.

If you don’t confront her with this one, there will be other times where she will push your boundaries. Each time you will get better and stronger.

The stately homes thread will give you some great lines for the classic toxic scripts and will help you understand what is going on with your mother particularly.

Once you see it, you can’t unsee it. It just takes time to process

@crispysausagerolls

Add in Sen too just to make it worse!

So she's going to spend hours at your house, sopping over your son while making passive aggressive comments about how much she dotes on him and couldn't bear to ever be without him? This isn't a visit, it's another ambush.

Develop an unexpected invitation. Go out. Stay out. Put DS to bed late, or don't tell her when you get back.

You're not ready for a confrontation but she's ready to hover over you for half of the day to reassert her control.

Bythe way, thank you all so much for the support and insight - it’s very helpful and bolstering.

This is the time to start to change things, for sure. Trying to think how to word the discussion so it’s different than before and yields some sort of alternate results. Although aware it may not yield anything!

Your mother's very good at manipulating you isn't she. You're being played like a violin.

Please do not let her in this afternoon, any conversation you have that to her comes across as at all critical will result in her rounding on you viciously or going all nicey nicey again. Abusive people you see are not nasty all the time but their nice/nasty cycle is really a continuous one.

attila

If I don’t let her round this afternoon, what would you suggest I do in terms of when I should see her again or what to say? I feel like I need some sort of strategy or game plan as I don’t like this feeling of everything hanging in the air.

I told her BTW on Monday that DH has taken Friday morning off for my procedure and her response was “but I was looking forward to having DS”, which I ignored.