Hall pass to take drugs?

[EMB12]

So my partner of 8 years and 2 children has recently over the past 6 months has started taking drugs with his friends. Mainly cocaine and I believe MDMA but not as often as cocaine. I am VERY anti drugs and since he started we have been arguing a lot almost every day about it, I’ve threatened to leave if he doesn’t stop but he has made his oppinion quite clear which is ... He will stop taking drugs on general nights out in the UK but say for instance there is a stag do or something similar, he wants me to basically give him a hall pass to take them.. this really doesn’t sit well for me and I want to say no. He thinks I’m over reacting and trying to control him ... am I? Would you let you partner take drugs occasionally?

It's not a matter of letting them. He wants to take drugs and you don't want a partner who takes drugs. Therefore he shouldn't be your partner.

Why do you have to be the one to leave? Why can't he go?

You are anti drugs and you have made your position clear. He is choosing drugs over you and your kids by both word and deed. And now he wants his cake and eat it too!. He is truly a cheeky fecker and worse than this, will simply continue to drag you down with him by mere association.

Time now to properly plan your exit from this relationship
Do you really want this type of person to be in your life at all, let alone remain your partner?. What sort of father is he to his children, he is truly a selfish individual who wants a relationship with illegal substances rather than you people.

You have not carried through with your threat to leave if he won't stop and so does not take you at all seriously. Would you pick up the pieces of him overdosing?. Doubt his friends would be at all around then.

Would you let you partner take drugs occasionally
No
My dd started taking recreational drugs occasional.
She ended up murdered by her partner.
I fucking hate drugs and what it they do to families.

Eh? This is easy. Dump the druggie. You have told him you don't want to be with a druggie.

You gave him a chance to choose between you and the drugs. He chose drugs. You are cross about his decision.

Faced with a choice between you and the children vs the drugs he chose drugs. He saw that you were full of shit about your supposed stance on drugs because you didn't leave like you said you would. It is true that you are trying to control him. A fool's errand with a druggie.

Control yourself instead. Control yourself to get rid of him.

I don't "let" my DH do anything, he's an adult capable of making his own choices and I expect his choice to reflect what is best for us, as I do.

If I had communicated my position and he still chose to take drugs I would file for divorce because we would be fundamentally incompatible.

I have no problem with recreational drugs. But the problem isn’t the drugs - it’s that this is an issue you feel very strongly about which you find unacceptable in a partner. If you don’t want to accept it under any circumstances then you need to make that clear and tell him it’s a dealbreaker - and follow through on ending the relationship if necessary.

Thank you... I feel like he’s turning it around on me by saying I’m trying to control him and I’m dictating what he can and can’t do, he says it’s not a big deal and that I’m naive to it.. it did make me question which myself which is why I posted on here I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks even if it is occasional it is unacceptable

I haven’t got an issue with recreational drugs. Cocaine use is at its highest ever point in the U.K. therefore plenty of people take it and the majority don’t ‘drag people down’ with them and they certainly don’t overdose. For a few it becomes a bigger issue but that’s not unlike alcohol or other addictions.

However as others have said if you feel that you want to have some control over his pastimes and he doesn’t want to let you then you’ll have to part ways.

I understand that a lot of people have or know someone who has had very bad exeprinces with drugs.

I will freely admit that I for many years have been a recreational drug user as has my partner. I probably do it about 3-4 times a year. It doesn't make me a bad person, it doesn't effect my life. I have a very well paying job and its some that I very much enjoy doing.

The issue is that you have a problem with it (which is fine, everyone is entitled to there opinions) and he is choosing not to listen to you.

Personally if it was every weekend and was affecting your relationship and day to day lives then yes you have an issue but once maybe twice a year...why not?

@ParkheadParadise, I always think of your daughter when I read threads like this.

I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks even if it is occasional it is unacceptable

Of course you won’t be. But you’ll find people on here accepting and unaccepting of a million different things and positions. It’s a huge site. Some people would mind and some wouldn’t.

This is your second post on the same topic. I think you got some pretty good responses on the first thread?

@Margomini

Thanks for being honnest and open. Can I ask one thing? And I don’t mean it in a judgemental way just purely curiosity because of what you said.. do you have children?

I think a lot of drugs are far better and safer than alcohol. In fact, it's proven. Drugs are only dangerous when they're taken in excess/ mixed with other drugs/chemicals.

I think if he is doing it once-twice a year it isn't the end of the world. But this is personal opinion.

I think the decision is - will you end it if he doesn't stop completely? If you won't this is entirely pointless and you need to get used to it

@Anonanonanariston

Yes I did - it was more the ‘hall pas’ I was curious to know if anyone lets their other half do it occasionally

@HollowTalk
Thank you.

I don't feel you should be looking at this as "letting" him do anything.

You sit down and decide what you are happy with from a partner. Where the lines are drawn in your head. You then communicate that to your partner clearly.

At that point your partner gets to decide what their parameters are and the decision is made. Either they are happy with the parameters you have or they are not. If they are great, if they aren't then the relationship is over.

It's not about telling them what they are allowed to do its about communicating your boundaries and then acting on them.

Personally one off events I wouldn't really be bothered about as I'd see it as their choice as an adult which is contained in a way that it doesn't affect me or my children however I couldn't be with someone who did drugs regularly. I know a friend who would leave a relationship over even a single toke of a joint. We're all different. You have to decide what you accept.

If it is the odd stag do then how do you even know? How come you are arguing every day? Surely he would say "Yes, dear" at you then take something at his next outing and you'll never know. Smells of a man spoiling for a fight. Or a man using so heavily it can't be reasonably hidden.

I found my husband dead on the sofa from taking drugs. I had no idea he was using them and got a huge shock when the toxicology report came back

Thing is OP, I think you also need to bear in mind that he’s unlikely to stick to his promise of “only once or twice a year” and will just hide the more frequent use from you, because he doesn’t think using them is wrong or a problem. When he’s out in a situation where he would usually have taken them and somebody offers, he’s more than likely to say yes. I take recreational / party drugs fairly frequently, as do most of my friends, and this is just how it goes. His willpower to say no simply because you wouldn’t like it is going to be pretty low.

But the problem isn’t the drugs - it’s that this is an issue you feel very strongly about which you find unacceptable in a partner

This. In spades.

It amost dosent matter that its drugs. It could be anything. You have a hard boundary on an activity he wants to partake in.

It’s not that he is right, or you are right. You are just incompatible.

FWIW. I don’t disagree with you. In my twenties I did experiment with the odd substance that is illegal in the U.K. (but this was abroad and it was decriminalised). I’d probably dabble occasionally on a night out now, but I have very strong feelings on the fact that the drugs trade props up all sorts of horrific human trafficking, arms dealing, corrupt regimes etc worldwide.

Can’t see Fairtrade cocaine taking off somehow though. 🤣

Cocaine starts off being the best feeling, but soon gets evil.
Drugs exploit vulnerable people who are used to grow, harvest, make, and traffic them. Children are forced into gangs to deliver them, prostituted women deliberately addicted to control them.
Associated with serious crime, guns and violence. All good fun. Not to mention increased risk of heart attack or overdose.
Not about permission is it

@ParkheadParadise I'm so sorry xx

For me it would depend if it was impacting family life.

If he was coming home still high on coke and being really irritating in that way coke heads are, was therefore unable to perform sexually and was on a massive grumpy comedown the following day and snapping at everyone, I'd not be happy with that.

If he was using during a special occasion where he'd be away a night or two and it was within a budget that didn't impact family finances, I wouldn't have a problem.

It's about what you want though. You're obviously hard line anti drugs and he's changed since you first got together. If he's trying the old "You're trying to control me" line, I'd probably say
"I'm not controlling you at all, you're free to do what you want. Also I'm free to do what I want, which if you persist in taking drugs will probably be me leaving."

[EMB12] Yes of course you can...no we do not have any children though that doesn't mean we don't want them in the future. Even then I don't think we would fully stop taking drugs occasionally (we have discussed this) but we would ensure that it would never negatively effect our children's lives and we would ensure that clearly they never saw us under the influence of anything and I am sure that naturally we would probably do it less.

We do have plenty of friends who do take drugs and have children and again they all lead very normal lives and we are talking, Head teachers of private secondary schools, vet, particle physicist, surgeon, civil engineer....not everyone who takes drugs are low lives.

Its a form of escapism from every day life, yes there are risks involved but there are with alcohol and smoking as long as you are sensible and understand your limitations then it can be a very enjoyable experience.