Hall pass to take drugs?

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So my partner of 8 years and 2 children has recently over the past 6 months has started taking drugs with his friends. Mainly cocaine and I believe MDMA but not as often as cocaine. I am VERY anti drugs and since he started we have been arguing a lot almost every day about it, I’ve threatened to leave if he doesn’t stop but he has made his oppinion quite clear which is ... He will stop taking drugs on general nights out in the UK but say for instance there is a stag do or something similar, he wants me to basically give him a hall pass to take them.. this really doesn’t sit well for me and I want to say no. He thinks I’m over reacting and trying to control him ... am I? Would you let you partner take drugs occasionally?

I've sent the affects of drug abuse first hand, you can stick your study up your arse
Sadly me too wishywashy6
Totally agree with you.

@wishywashy6 I posted that study because it’s been the most significant one published on the subject over the last few years and it’s by the leasing experts in the field. I’ve not seen any further studies disagreeing with it but please do post if you find one as I always like to read around both sides of an argument.

i’ve sent the affects of drug abuse first hand you can stick your study up your arse 💁🏻‍♀️

I’m sorry you’ve had a bad experience and I’m sure it’s why you feel raw but I don’t think you need to be so rude to me. I didn’t write the study the UK’s drug czar did.

OP your DH isn’t a child or someone you control. He’s a grown man free to make his own choices. You don’t have to agree with them and you can react accordingly. But you can’t give him a ‘hall pass’ or ‘let’ him do anything.

I don’t have an issue with recreational drug use but I couldn’t date a smoker. So we all have our lines. Your issue is that this is a man you married and his children with so you need to work out not how you make him do what you want, but how you respond to him crossing your line.

@Lampshadylady I haven't had a bad experience, I've just seen people in peer groups around me justify it with similar arguments to yours.
I'm not raw, if anyone chooses to drink/ smoke/ snort or inject shite into their body then that's their lookout.
Sorry you thought I was being rude, I just have a low tolerance for ignorance. I take it back, the UK drug czar can stick it up his arse instead

I share your views and it's a complete no- brainer for me. Then again having a 13 year old Attack you and threaten to cut your throat whilst in the depths of weed induced psychosis can make you feel rather 'anti'.
Get rid. It's no life for your kida either!

Regularly would bother me.

Once or twice a year on a stag do doesn't bother me.

To leave a good husband, great father that you love because of a drug taken once or twice a year sounds like an overreaction. Its his body, why does something he does with body that harms no one else have to be agreed by you?

Where do we draw the line?

No tattoos or I will leave
No to certain hobbies or I will leave
No to certain haircuts/diets etc?

And no the illegal thing is irrelevant as cigarettes should be illegal and they are not.

It's up to him if he takes drugs, if he wants to take them you can't stop him. If you choose to stick around while he takes said drugs is a different matter altogether. I left ds's dad because I found out he was taking all sorts on nights out. I won't tolerate that in my life.

You have to work out what's okay for you in your relationship. My dh and I are generally pretty straight and narrow professional people (we drink alcohol, but no drugs at home). We have both used some on occasion in the past (our younger days, pre-kids). It's not my cup of tea now, but yes, on rare occasions, he has when away with friends. It's not an issue for me as long as he's doing it discreetly (not acting like an idiot and getting arrested or in fights). I'm not uptight about these things and I don't see it as fundamentally different from getting falling down drunk and passing out on a weekend away. But it's not a regular thing (maybe once a year) and it doesn't filter back into our normal home life (neither of us have ever used any drugs at home, ever). But if it's becoming a habit, he's acting like an idiot, and getting in trouble, that's a different story than doing the rare line of coke when staying in a holiday let with friends for a weekend away.

I've sent the affects of drug abuse first hand, you can stick your study up your arse

There is a difference between drug use and drug abuse.

Its like saying 'I've seen the results of alcoholism so anyone who has two glasses of wine on a Tuesday can stick it up their arse'.

Not everyone abuses drugs and if you think there aren't many many respectable members of society out there taking them and fully functioning in a safe manner in their job then you're wrong and naive.

A headteacher who takes a tab of acid half way through the school holidays is not a threat to children.

I don't know anyone who has died from taking one drink of alcohol.
I don't know anyone who has died from smoking just one cigarette.
I do know of someone who died the first time they took cocaine.

So that report may well conclude that alcohol and tobacco are more dangerous longer term but that's not the whole picture

I used to take cocaine. I stopped because it wasn’t fun anymore and I don’t miss it. My friends who didn’t stop (ex friends really I was boring and they dumped me ) lives are absolutely down the pan. Their mental health is shocking and they look 10 years older than me. I could not be with a man who still bahaved like this at our age (30s) because it becomes tragic.

@shatnerswig there are some people who unfortunately die running the marathon for the first time or doing intensive sport, this is down to an unknown heart condition, and although incredibly sad luckily is rare.

A healthy person would not drop down dead from using cocaine once, there would be no physical reason for this to happen.

Cocaine deaths are around 300 a year in the U.K. which is relatively low. In itself it’s not a particularly dangerous drug - although like anything taken to an extreme ie addiction would take its health toll

Its like saying 'I've seen the results of alcoholism so anyone who has two glasses of wine on a Tuesday can stick it up their arse'.

Nope, it's really not.

@Comeonchameleon Good point about number of deaths. I've just looked and the latest figures are currently for 2017 where there were 7697 alcohol specific deaths. Obviously the figure for related deaths would be a lot higher.

I don't think anyone would argue that people shouldn't be anti-drugs as we all make our own choices and all have our red lines. There needs to be some perspective and rationality though.

A lot of you are parents and if you haven't already, you'll have to have conversations about alcohol and drug use at some point.
It's really important to work out how you're going to handle that and what your message is. Drugs education is moving away from the 'just say no' approach and looking far more at educating young people and reducing potential harm.

Telling kids not to do something and taking a hard line isn't going to stop them doing it, it's just guaranteeing they're not going to talk to you about it if they want to or if stuff goes wrong.

@Ethel80 surely that's down to the fact that more people drink alcohol than snort illegal substances? 🤔

No @wishywashy6 that was the whole point of the longditudinal study released by cross country experts that you didn’t like.

Alcohol is far more dangerous than cocaine based on what we know it does to the body.

If you took people that drank alcohol and people that took cocaine more people would die from the alcohol than the cocaine

I would leave a partner who has such poor morals that they want to support illegal drug cartels, which are responsible for murders, people trafficking, forced prostitution, rape, exploitation of children, street gangs and knife crime. Where does your DH think these drugs come from? Has he stopped for one moment to consider the tide of human misery involved in the supply chain?
And that’s without even factoring in the toxic substances the drugs are cut with, and the health damage to his own body.
I’d leave him, OP.

@wannabestressfree enforces my thoughts which are that even occasional weed / skunk smoking can be more dangerous than twice annual MDMA consumption.
I would never be with a heavy drinker. Legal or not, it's not my lifestyle. Someone who gets drunk at a wedding or party though? no biggie. I think I'd probably be ok with a hall pass for a stag night however you know that's not what it will end up being; the fact he's hanging out with this new crew who normalise it suggests that he'll be doing coke every time he sees them and then lying about it.

Next he will be asking you for a hall pass to shag groupies. He needs to grow up and stop whining about past decisions. If mine wanted to do coke he’d be out on his arse.

not everyone who takes drugs are low lives.

Everyone who uses cocaine IS a low life.

They are guilty of being the reason the trade in cocaine exists and if they don't understand what an evil, violent and devastating trade that is then they are as stupid as they are immoral.

Is taking coke fun? Yes it can be.

Is taking coke going to ruin your life? No of course not.
If you take coke are you partly responsible for the death and exploitation of lots of vulnerable and innocent people across the world including women and children? YES

@Comeonchameleon

So you're telling me, if 100 people had say between 1-5 pints of beer or glasses of wine on a night out and another 100 snorted between 1-5 lines of coke, more people would die from the drink than the drug yeah?

I'm not defending the affects of alcohol, I've seen what continued alcohol abuse does to someone too, but a couple of lines of cocaine can make your heart stop. Dead. A couple of drinks is unlikely to have the same effect.

The OPs husband wasn't a coke head when she met him so she's got every right to get rid of him now he is. I don't think I could stomach being with someone who was so cringeworthy and tragic that they have to follow and copy their new big boy friends anyway. All very sad.

@wishywashy6 I’m not saying that because I’m not a scientist, but yes, that was the conclusion of the top scientists in the field. Have you read it? It’s not that long.

Although I highly doubt anyone in your scenario would die. Cocaine doesn’t tend to make your heart stop dead anymore than drinking does. Why would it?

@Comeonchameleon yes I read it. All I could get from it was that alcohol was found to be most dangerous to society (as in it affects spreads more to the people around the user not just the user themselves) while heroine, crack and crystal meth were the most harmful to the user
I haven't had time to look into how credible the study is however it is worth noting that professor David Nutt who lead the study was sacked as a government advisor after making these claims

I'd prefer to base my opinion on a wider range of evidence. The below link is a slightly less biased, evidence based account of the affects of cocaine use

www.drugscience.org.uk/drugs/stimulants/cocaine

@wishywashy6 he wasn’t sacked due to this report. He was sacked after he refused to endorse the government’s position on Cannabis as he stated it was political rather than based on evidence. Other leading people in the field agreed and hence they got together and did this study

The full report says cocaine is less harmful to the self than alcohol. As you say heroin and crack cocaine are more so

I meant to add he was deemed credible enough to be hired by the government as their drugs czar but sacked when they didn’t like what he said!