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Original poster

Hall pass to take drugs?

107 replies

EMB12 · 31/01/2019 13:48

So my partner of 8 years and 2 children has recently over the past 6 months has started taking drugs with his friends. Mainly cocaine and I believe MDMA but not as often as cocaine. I am VERY anti drugs and since he started we have been arguing a lot almost every day about it, I’ve threatened to leave if he doesn’t stop but he has made his oppinion quite clear which is ... He will stop taking drugs on general nights out in the UK but say for instance there is a stag do or something similar, he wants me to basically give him a hall pass to take them.. this really doesn’t sit well for me and I want to say no. He thinks I’m over reacting and trying to control him ... am I? Would you let you partner take drugs occasionally?

OP posts:
oldwhyno · 31/01/2019 14:35

It's not an unreasonable thing to ask for. If it's away from the house, and (actually) not affecting anybody but him, he's just asking for occasional tolerance.

However depending on the strength of your feeling it's not unreasonable for you to give him an ultimatum over it.

Morgan12 · 31/01/2019 14:39

OP I think the only option is to split up. Even if he says he won't take coke at the stag do when the situation arises he probably will.

Do you know how much money he spends on it?

I'm another one in the 'no big deal' camp. Sometimes I think those who haven't been exposed to casual cocaine use conjure up all sorts of images in their head when about 90% of the times it's just a group of friends using recreationaly and they all go back to work on Monday and lead normal lives.

Lumpy76 · 31/01/2019 14:42

Am I the only one who’s think “grow the f**k up...you’re a grown man with 2 kids! What the actual f are you doing messing with highly addictive illegal drugs and all the crime etc that you’re complicit in when you take them??!!!” Seriously, I did try a couple of recreational drugs in my teenage years and had siblings that more than dabbled but come on now...the DP has kids...and a partner! No! This is not ok!! And if the DO is prepared to loose his kids and partner over taking some “recreational” drugs then he’s got a SERIOUS problem! Or am I a 43 yr old mother who’s now old fashioned?

Nesssie · 31/01/2019 14:42

even then I don't think we would fully stop taking drugs occasionally
Jesus. Don't have kids.

Nesssie · 31/01/2019 14:43

Lumpy76 - nope I'm thinking that too. Its despicable.

SillySallySingsSongs · 31/01/2019 14:43

It would be a red line for me and actually it woukd be the other way around too.

SillySallySingsSongs · 31/01/2019 14:46

Sometimes I think those who haven't been exposed to casual cocaine use

Actually I have seen it

Original poster
EMB12 · 31/01/2019 14:46

A head teacher in a school who is charge and responsible for other people children? I’m pretty sure they would loose their job if they were caught?

OP posts:
PerfectionistProcrastinator · 31/01/2019 14:48

I simply couldn’t make myself be ok with this.

My partner dabbled 20+ years ago when he was at uni as many people do. I made it clear I couldn’t be in a relationship with a drug user when we started dating and he told me he did his drug taking as a youngster and although he enjoyed it back then, it wasn’t the life he lived or wanted now.

For me I’ve made my boundaries clear. I didn’t get into a relationship with someone who takes drugs so wouldn’t stay with a person that started. I’d rather be on my own than compromise on something that I feel so strongly about. That said, we don’t yet have any children.

An ex of mine years ago hid his cocaine use from me. I stupidly gave him a second chance after he talked me round. It was such a headfuck situation, not trusting him, him sneaking about, him acting like an arsehole whilst on it or when he was drinking and wanted to take it but couldn’t because I was “judgemental”, ugh...drama that I do not need or desire in my life.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/01/2019 14:49

I do think that in the OPs case the best way forward is to separate from her partner. If he is that determined to use and she is against drug taking there is no real compromise to be had here. And he has already indeed tried the old "you're controlling me" line as mentioned in her initial post.

SillySallySingsSongs · 31/01/2019 14:50

We do have plenty of friends who do take drugs and have children and again they all lead very normal lives and we are talking, Head teachers of private secondary schools, vet, particle physicist, surgeon, civil engineer....not everyone who takes drugs are low lives.

They certainy aren't responsible adults. I wonder how their employers would feel or the patients of a surgeon?

It isn't ok no matter what you try to tell yourself.

Interesting also that you talk of others that take it as 'low lives'.

squeekums · 31/01/2019 14:54

No issue with occasional drug use, much like Margomini, my experience has always been enjoyable. I know many who use and live normal lives 99% of the year.

The issue is he wont listen to your concern, not drugs its self, it could be gambling, over spending on a car or whatever. Thats his choice not to listen, though i feel its a fair compromise stag nights only.
Now your choice is, can you accept that. You obviously have reasons for being anti drug, thats ok too

Lampshadylady · 31/01/2019 14:57

So a head teacher could drink themselves into whisky oblivion every weekend and that’s ok but if they occasionally took a line at a party - which would impact their lives far less - then they’re a lowlife?

ParkheadParadise · 31/01/2019 14:58

not everyone who takes drugs are low lives
WTF

Margomini · 31/01/2019 15:02

I mean exactly what I said.

Some people have the opinion that recreational drug users are low lifes….cant hold down a job, deal with day to day life, have constructive relationships etc and that isn't true...I am saying plenty of people lead healthy, successful lives and still take drugs occasionally.

SillySallySingsSongs · 31/01/2019 15:08

Some people have the opinion that recreational drug users are low lifes….cant hold down a job, deal with day to day life, have constructive relationships etc and that isn't true...I am saying plenty of people lead healthy, successful lives and still take drugs occasionally.

Well I'm sure their dealers do very well out of them.

Nesssie · 31/01/2019 15:17

But the difference is, alcohol is legal and drugs aren't.
By saying plenty of people lead healthy, successful lives and still take drugs occasionally. - I could murder someone and still live a healthy, successful life. I could steal money and still be able to perform surgery. Doesn't make it OK.

HollowTalk · 31/01/2019 16:03

@NoArmaniNoPunani That must have been a terrible shock, to find your husband like that.

Original poster
EMB12 · 31/01/2019 16:07

I don’t understand why some people think they are fine? If they were fine they wouldn’t be illegal surely..

OP posts:
chaoscategorised · 31/01/2019 16:12

Another poster who knows occasional drug users who run businesses, live completely normal lives, and are generally excellent citizens. The illegality is a bit of a red herring, because drinking and smoking weed are legal in (parts of) America - but not in Saudi. So if someone does it in Saudi but not Colorado, are they a lowlife? If they do it in Colorado where it's legal, are they still a good upstanding citizen? Obviously there's the ethical consumption aspect to certain Class As too - legally grown weed, for example, has much fewer moral implications that illegally imported cocaine which generally has murky/horrible origins. I personally don't think there's anything wrong with using, or wanting to use, recreational drugs occasionally, but I don't because I'm uncomfortable with the origins of these drugs. If they were lab-made and didn't involve child labour and gang violence - then I would be much less reluctant. Drugs are, largely, a moral line for most people, not a legal one.

The point is OP, if you're not happy with it and you don't want a partner who takes drugs - that's fine. You don't have to be and that's completely and utterly understandable.

Original poster
EMB12 · 31/01/2019 16:18

Just to clarify personally I don’t think people are ‘low lives’ for using drugs I personally don’t think my OH is, he has his own company, he works hard, he provides for us and he is a great dad. He has occasionally smokes the odd joint in the past and as long as it was occasional I didn’t mind.. it’s all the heavier stuff.. I just don’t understand what people get out of it? Can you not go out for a night out and have a good time without drugs?

OP posts:
NoArmaniNoPunani · 31/01/2019 16:21

It was a huge shock and then I had 3 months of worry waiting to hear if the life insurance would pay out. Luckily they did, after interviewing me about what I knew about his drug use. I would be totally in the shit if they hadn't

Knittink · 31/01/2019 16:24

Some people have the opinion that recreational drug users are low lifes

Well, if they take drugs that are illegal in their country, they're a criminal. They are also putting money in the pockets of drug dealers, supporting highly questionable supply chains and generally helping to perpetuate crime. So yeah, I'd say they were low-lifes in one way or another, regardless of how 'respectable' they are outwardly. Call me weird, but I tend to think that obeying the law is usually a good thing.

chaoscategorised · 31/01/2019 16:26

I think a lot of people feel like that @EMB12 - but it's partly due to whether they're illegal/accepted or not. My personal experience with smoking weed, which I've done a handful of times, was that it made me sick, drowsy, unable to concentrate, and generally feel grim. Felt like I'd eaten 10 betablockers, slow and heavy and horrible. Coke, however, made me feel more up for dancing, chatting, and a bit more awake. Not out of control, or heavy, or horrible. So for me, I have no idea why people think they'd enjoy smoking weed and think, can't you have a good time without smoking and sounding like a moron laughing at shit TV... do you see what I mean? Some people get something out of it, some don't. Having said that - both coke and MDMA put a lot of stress on your body (another reason I'm a reformed character Halo ) and as you've got children, I completely get why you'd be unhappy with him potentially risking a heart attack etc.

rosablue · 31/01/2019 16:29

I would be worried about what prompted him to change to start taking them in the last 6 months...

If it was something that he had always done occasionally it’s very different to having a partner who is well beyond uni age, has a business, is a responsible family man etc suddenly start taking these sorts of drugs. Because it suggests other things might be going on in his life/business/friendship group/etc that prompted the change and that will have other knock on effects.