Hall pass to take drugs?

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So my partner of 8 years and 2 children has recently over the past 6 months has started taking drugs with his friends. Mainly cocaine and I believe MDMA but not as often as cocaine. I am VERY anti drugs and since he started we have been arguing a lot almost every day about it, I’ve threatened to leave if he doesn’t stop but he has made his oppinion quite clear which is ... He will stop taking drugs on general nights out in the UK but say for instance there is a stag do or something similar, he wants me to basically give him a hall pass to take them.. this really doesn’t sit well for me and I want to say no. He thinks I’m over reacting and trying to control him ... am I? Would you let you partner take drugs occasionally?

Oh this is easy.

"I'm not controlling you, I'm leaving you"

That's a good point, @rosablue. Has he got a new group of friends? I'd say it was relatively unusual for someone to start taking drugs recreationally if they never had before with the same group of friends without there being something else going on.

A close friends sister also used to call her family naive when it came to her recreational drug taking. She had a heart attack in her sleep at the age of 23 after a cocaine fuelled weekend. She died.
He's the naive one.
If he's going through some weird mid life crisis where he's putting drugs before his wife and kids in favour of some shitty teenage lad lifestyle I'd be packing his bags.

You can't control him no, but you can control who you share your life with.

I'm totally anti drugs. He's a grown man and should understand the term "responsible father". Seems like he got influenced easily since it's a recent habit.

OP, personally, I won't negotiate this topic and it's nothing to do with controlling him, for goodness sake there are kids involved and what if he OD'd one day? I'd dread to think that happening to anyone. Stick to your view NO DEAL!

You didn't meet him a druggie, so why should you adopt the idea along the way in your relationship of him being one?

He has started hanging out with some new friends that happen to be in a band .. they all do it.. I’m guessing that’s how it all started.. it was never there in in social circle before. He also says as we had children young he feels like he missed out on most of his 20’s being carefree and partying .. I can understand it more for younger people but I don’t get why you’d start in your 30s

You aret trying to control his actions. You are just making him aware of the consequences.

He can continue to take drugs if he likes but then you will leave (I would)
My
I don’t know why he thinks taking drugs in a foreign country is less Risky behaviour though?

As for the “drugs are safer than alcohol” crew. I wouldn’t stay married to a man that drank heavily either.

For those on the thread who have suffered drug related bereavements- I can’t begin to imagine your loss and anger.

I know plenty of young carefree 20 something year olds who aren't dumb enough to think that class a drugs are acceptable.
That's a pathetic excuse.

He is entitled to make his own choices. Question is whether he has crossed the line in the sand for you? You don't have to give him a hall pass. He's cool enough to hang out with his druggie band friends but he needs his wife's approval. Awwh bless! You don't have to give it. Tell him you think he's a twat and although he can do what he you'll consider your options accordingly.

The legal issue is a red herring.

It’s not actually illegal to take drugs in the U.K. for instance but it is to possess them.

Drugs are completely decriminalised in Portugal for example.

Alcohol is illegal in some countries.

Different countries make different - arbitrary - decisions.

Do you not remember the government’s drugs Czar Professor Nutt whose final report recommended drugs should be legalised as criminalising millions of people for doing something to themselves which is LESS DANGEROUS than drinking is pointless. Making drugs legal would also eradicate the awful consequences of drug growing and trafficking that many endure.

You may also have seen the research from leading scientists which showed that alcohol is by far the most dangerous drug - more deadly than heroin or crack. Cocaine is way down with Tobacco.

875,000 people in the U.K. took Cocaine in 2018.

www.webmd.com/mental-health/addiction/news/20101101/alcohol-more-harmful-than-crack-or-heroin

It's a personal choice... But when it comes to partners I'm 42 & any potential partner of mine now has got to be a non smoker, light drinker & not take drugs.

That's because I'm not interested in the likelihood of him not functioning properly in bed, or even worse in the likelihood of him getting ill & me becoming his carer in the future.

For example if you're over 50 you have a 50% chance of dying from smoking tobacco alone.

As for taking coke, well I've known of patients on the Stroke Unit who thought it was fun until they became seriously disabled after one too many lines.

I used to smoke weed & skunk at times & binge drink a lot, I had friends who took all kinds of drugs but this was in my 20s before I started working in a hospital & seeing the effects of it all on people's lives.

I'm not naive I know lots of colleagues drink heavily, smoke & maybe even take drugs but I secretly think they're stupid or in denial that it won't happen to them.

The legal issue is a red herring.

No, it isn't. Their illegality is a large part of why this would be a red line for me.

That other countries have different rules doesn't mean it is safe. Portugal has a rate of fatal injury at work that is five times higher than that of the UK, because our rules are different, they are more strict, they are more wide reaching. You'll forgive me if I don't believe Portugal is the best example of a Government who knows how to pass laws which protect its citizens.

criminalising millions of people for doing something to themselves which is LESS DANGEROUS than drinking is pointless.
Great argument for making alcohol illegal. (If it were anywhere near accurate)

Making drugs legal would also eradicate the awful consequences of drug growing and trafficking that many endure.

Sure. Because when products are legally bought and sold there isn't ever a black market.

I don’t much about Portugal’s incidence of fatality at work but their decriminalising drugs has seen a significant decrease in drugs related deaths and crime. It’s often cited as strong evidence as to why other countries should follow suit.

I’m not saying taking cocaine is ‘safe’ but it’s safer than drinking which is a proven fact not an assertion by me.

@Lampshadylady you sound like a recreational drug taker

Cocaine is really safer than drinking? How is that even possible?

@Morgan12 here you go. Alcohol is deadly - it would never be legal if it were invented now.

www.webmd.com/mental-health/addiction/news/20101101/alcohol-more-harmful-than-crack-or-heroin

@wishywashy6 why do I? I’m only citing research and evidence to give a balanced view. I’m not arguing for people to do drugs just trying to show that it’s not always as clear cut as certain forces would have us believe.

I find it hard to understand the outrage to be honest. Lots of good, responsible and otherwise upstanding people use recreational drugs occasionally. There's a big difference between doing the odd line or having a weekend session and using regularly, blowing loads of cash and turning into an arsehole and a drug bore.

Yes, for some it goes further and people end up with addictions but that's generally about far more that the drug itself and there's often mental illness and other difficulties in that mix too.

I guess the issue is that you are in a relationship with him and fundamentally disagree with what he does for fun.

I don't think it's something I'd want to end a relationship over if everything else is good but you have your own red lines. If this is one of them then that's a decision you need to make.

@morgan12 from the report written by a Professor Nutt the UK government’s former drugs expert

“According to this "multicriteria decision analysis approach," alcohol is almost three times as harmful as cocaine or tobacco.

Nutt and colleagues conclude that aggressively targeting alcohol harm is “a valid and necessary public health strategy."

In an editorial accompanying the Nutt team's report, Jan van Amsterdam of the Netherlands National Institute for Public Health and the Environment and Wim van den Brink of the Amsterdam Institute for Addiction research note that the legal penalties prescribed by various nations’ drug policies are out of synch with the actual harms caused by different drugs.

It’s an absolute hard line for me, like drink driving. He’d be out on his ear before he knew what had hit him

@JudgeRindersMinder there's a world of difference between occasional drug use and drink driving!

As I see it, you aren't trying to control him. You're telling him that you don't want to be with someone who uses drugs. He therefore has a choice: he can use drugs; or he can be with you. Simple.

I used to live with someone who used coke on a regular basis. It was not pleasant. He became angry and aggressive and confrontational, and was paranoid too, even when he hadn't been using much. I wouldn't even consider being with anyone who used coke even occasionally now. It's a nasty drug.

@Ethel80 you’re absolutely right.

The way I said it wasn’t clear, what I mean is I have a hard limit re drug use, like I have a hard limit re drink driving, I wasn’t saying the 2 were alike

I know plenty of people who hold down successful jobs and go on the occasional bender. I know doctors, lawyers, teachers, etc. It's really not much different to drinking yourself stupid at a wedding. Like PP has said, you can do yourself plenty of damage with alcohol and it's considered acceptable to swap a hangover for a really good night. So a couple of pills and some ketamine, for example, is unlikely to cause anything worse than a hangover, if taken in sensible doses.

But personally, I would prefer someone I was dating to use drugs very occasionally. It's tiresome when it's more frequent than that.

@Lampshadylady because you keep posting the one study which supports your argument. I could trawl through google and find several which don't support your theory.

I've sent the affects of drug abuse first hand, you can stick your study up your arse 🤷🏼‍♀️