I feel used and embarrassed

[hatty1993]

I don't really know what I'm looking for by posting this, maybe just somewhere to vent and some support! Basically I've been dating a guy for a couple of months, things have been going well apart from the fact he's a rubbish texter but in person we got on great, loads of sexual chemistry, we had fun and lots of conversation.

Anyway on Saturday night we went for a nice meal and a couple of drinks & then went back to his house. Everything was great, all the signals said he liked me and even at one point said we're not just friends and he'd say we're seeing each other.

Then yesterday I didn't hear from him till about 1pm which was fine it was a chatty text asking how I am and things, then when I've replied I've heard nothing back at all! I just don't understand it? If he's not actually interested then why text me in the first place. He's been active on other social media so I know he's been on his phone.

I just feel very embarrassed and let down, I knew I shouldn't of let me guard down and allowed myself to like him but he's a friend of a friend and I was told so many times 'he's one of the good guys' so if one of the 'good guys' isn't even interested then what hope is there! I'm just fed of this, why not just be honest and say nah I'm not feeling it!

I'm just really disappointed, I'm usually confident and won't put up with any shit but this has really knocked me and I don't know why it has so much.

Sex is a big issue. One of the most important aspects of any developing relationship. When deciding on a new relationship the decision posts are:- Do I find them attractive? Are we emotionally compatible? Are we sexually compatible? (Plus a few others)
If the answer to any of these is no the relationship stops. Obviously the sexual compatibility question can only ever come after the other two. That's why some people can seem to lose interest after sex.

@wishywashy6 because logic doesn't always help when you have feelings for someone.

@Mrsmummy90 I guess. I think as I've got older and I've realised I'm quite happy by myself if necessary, my tolerance for bullshit has decreased massively and I do now find it really easy to cut people out of my life that I feel aren't worth my time and effort.
OP life's too short to spend it trying to change someone's behaviour towards you, find someone who suits you better

They’ve only known each other a short while and the OP is already questioning his lack of communicative texts.

So the only likely explanation for this drop in texts over Sunday and Monday is that he's cheating and the kindest thing to do is to tell OP to immediately dump him?

I withdraw my objection- that seems entirely reasonable.

Obviously the sexual compatibility question can only ever come after the other two

I'm not sure that's always true. For my mate the answer to questions 1 and 3 is only ever yes if the answer to question 2 is no.

My issue is that I had gone from receiving 20+ messages every day

It's clear from this that there was a big drop in messages over a day and a half or so. You say in a PP it's back to normal now?

The most likely explanation is surely that he was just busy over that period, however as limerence ends and you become more comfortable with each other you may find he doesn't keep up the 20 a day texts. That doesn't mean he doesn't care, just that things are moving to a more steady footing. It a good time to have an honest chat about how much communication you both want.

As many PPs have said- there are some men who bombard with attention for the first few weeks/months but then lose interest after a short time. I certainly wouldn't jump to that conclusion because I think worrying about it might cause you to push him away.

THats shit OP you poor thing. I think you should pull away from himemotionally its obviously not right. Disconnecteddrifter had a great answer i think she's right.

@wishywashy6 I'm the same now. I was 23 when I had these two disappointing experiences. I'm nearly 30 now and happily drop people without a second thought if they negatively impact on my life.
I guess I just needed to fill an emotional void and it was more about me than them.

Anyway, I'm very happily married now 😊

I've certainly been where you are op until I met my husband. He stuck to plans, text when he said he would and replied within a reasonable time. It was simple!
Don't play games back just be you! You'll soon know. Have you arranged to meet? If he makes excuses then I think you know the answer.
Sorry you're going through this, it really is rubbish to go through

@Mrsmummy90 yes that's exactly what I mean. I was married for 14 years (my decision to end things) but coming out of that and being on my own gave me a strength I definitely didn't have when I was younger
I am with someone else now and it's great but if I felt like he'd stopped giving a shit or I was putting all the effort in then I'd have no issues walking away.

OP I meant to say earlier, you shouldn't feel embarrassed or used. If he has lost interest then that's no reflection on you. Everyone that comes into our lives can teach us something. Sometimes it's a good lesson, sometimes it's not so great at the time. If he is a prick (although I'm tempted to say he was probably just busy if he's now texting as normal again!) then use him as a learning experience. Things like this can help to teach us what we will or won't accept. It's important to remember we will be treated the way we allow ourselves to be treated. If you're not happy with how things are don't try to make him behave differently, find someone who behaves that way naturally and don't settle for any less than that.

although he's a rubbish texter (meaning sometimes he doesn't ask questions all the time or doesn't always understand certain things) he always replies and always texts

But this doesn’t make sense?! If he always answers and replies to you how can he be a rubbish texter?! Perhaps the reason why he doesn’t always ask questions is because he doesn’t want to be texting on his phone all the time?

You’re obsessed with messaging and having constant communication and that is probably putting him off! You’re constantly messaging him and worrying when he doesn’t reply, you consider him a rubbish texter because he doesn’t always ask questions, you message him and then check his activity on all his social media when he doesn’t respond quick enough. That’s not healthy! chill out!!!

I can understand feeling slightly off by no communication after having sex for the second time but that’s it.

I often get a message whilst I’m doing things, read it and reply hours later. If that person text me again wanting to know why I hadn’t replied quick enough I’d be long gone.

You’re only 3 years younger than me and I don’t understand it. There’s a difference between forgetting about you, and forgetting to reply to you. I often forget to reply to people. DP included.
I could understand if it was an important message that needed acknowledging but not random chit chat all day. Why don’t you just save that for the evening so you actually have things to talk about? How do you even find stuff to chat about all day every day?

Sorry, you sound needy and I couldn’t deal with this. Whether he’s interested or not you will most likely put him off anyway by your constant need for communication over your phone.

Thank you @wishywashy6 that's a nice way to think about it. Yeah do you know what maybe I am needy and what's the problem with me wanting to know someone I've invested a lot of time in is interested me. Let me add he has no idea how much this has bothered me because I haven't been texting him constantly, if anything I've not text so can people stop making out like I'm putting him off cause of that when he doesn't know.

It must be nice to be perfect 👍🏼

They’ve only known each other a short while and the OP is already questioning his lack of communicative texts.

So the only likely explanation for this drop in texts over Sunday and Monday is that he's cheating and the kindest thing to do is to tell OP to immediately dump him?

I withdraw my objection- that seems entirely reasonable.

They’re not an exclusive couple so no dumping required. She just needs to block and move. Also, when you are receiving 20+ messages a day and then they suddenly drop to 1 or 2 AND you’re on Snapchat and Social Media then there is usually someone else who has reared his head.

This is insane.

If 1 day without a stream of texts is enough for you to start playing mind games and analysing his every possible move then please just move on.

Stop tracking his use of social media. You aren't necessarily the main priority in his life at every minute of every day.

It must be nice to be perfect

Well makes a change from being just ignorant

It must be nice to be perfect

There really is a huge distance op between being "perfect" and falling apart when you don't hear from a new partner for a day and constantly stalking him on social media.

As in a seriously huge distance.

I'd be gutted too. Trust your instinct. Men can suck sometimes. Why are people so mean on the internet?

It sounds as if things are early on relationship wise, and I think it's totally normal for someone to get distracted from someone they've only seen a handful of times. Work happens, family happens, friends happen. You aren't together/in love so it's not like you're going to be on his mind 24/7 and it is unreasonable of you to expect to be. On the other hand, I've been like you in the past when I've really liked someone - they generally did not like me in the same way, weren't ready for a relationship, were looking for something casual etc. I'm not trying to be mean, just frank.

Yeah do you know what maybe I am needy and what's the problem with me wanting to know someone I've invested a lot of time in is interested me. Let me add he has no idea how much this has bothered me because I haven't been texting him constantly, if anything I've not text so can people stop making out like I'm putting him off cause of that when he doesn't know. It must be nice to be perfect

Oh my god so you clearly have an attitude aswell !
Texting somebody all the time means nothing!!!

what's the problem with me wanting to know someone I've invested a lot of time in is interested me

Him texting you all day every day doesn’t mean he’s interested in you? Just like him not texting you all day every day doesn’t mean he isn’t interested.
You have this weird idea that if someone was interested in you then they should text you all the time. No, that’s wrong and you’re setting yourself up for misery because you have unrealistic ideas of what healthy communication is!

can people stop making out like I'm putting him off cause of that when he doesn't know

OP listen - if someone was constantly texting me, expecting phone calls aswell as texting each other all day every day, checking my social media activity if I didn’t reply quick enough etc then that would make me run a mile - they wouldn’t have to tell me outright to text them more, the constant need for communication with be enough to put me off. In fact, it would put most people off.

Do you not have a job? Does he work? If so, why are you even wanting to text all day? You shouldn’t be doing it at work anyway. Concentrate on your jobs and look forward to messaging in the evening or having a night time phone call.
You’ve previously said your ex’s have messaged you all day in the past yet despite that, them relationships never worked out!

I really think you need to work on your self esteem and communication issues because your idea of what’s normal isn’t healthy. It isn’t about being ‘perfect’ - I am far from perfect myself! I just don’t need DP to message me all day to feel wanted. I will text him something if it’s important if not, we will message in the evening and chat about our day.

How’re you going to cope if things do work out and the honeymoon period ends?

You will put him off if you don’t relax.

Yeah do you know what maybe I am needy and what's the problem with me wanting to know someone I've invested a lot of time in is interested me

Actually that's an interacting statement. You are needy yes, him texting you does not mean he is interested in you, a text is easy. If you have spent a lot of time with him, you should be able to decipher if he is interested by means other than the speed and quantity of his texts. The fact you rely on texts as an indication of his infests at this stage would signal you are deeply insecure.

The issue here is you need constant validation he is interested and you seek that validation by how much he texts you, and how quickly. If he doesn't text for a day, you catastophise and panic,

This is a new relationship and you're incredibly over invested, you're not taking it easy, gettin to know each other, focusing on all the other things in your life. Being a happy successful independent woman.

Ultimately you can only hide insecure and needy for so long, then it becomes apparent, I suspect he already has a clue.

I'd try to back off, take it easy, focus on yourself more and less on hthat doesn't mean be rude or whatever, just simply try to have a happy full life where you're not sitting panicking about how many texts he sent or how quickly he sent them.