Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel used and embarrassed

147 replies

hatty1993 · 28/01/2019 08:25

I don't really know what I'm looking for by posting this, maybe just somewhere to vent and some support! Basically I've been dating a guy for a couple of months, things have been going well apart from the fact he's a rubbish texter but in person we got on great, loads of sexual chemistry, we had fun and lots of conversation.

Anyway on Saturday night we went for a nice meal and a couple of drinks & then went back to his house. Everything was great, all the signals said he liked me and even at one point said we're not just friends and he'd say we're seeing each other.

Then yesterday I didn't hear from him till about 1pm which was fine it was a chatty text asking how I am and things, then when I've replied I've heard nothing back at all! I just don't understand it? If he's not actually interested then why text me in the first place. He's been active on other social media so I know he's been on his phone.

I just feel very embarrassed and let down, I knew I shouldn't of let me guard down and allowed myself to like him but he's a friend of a friend and I was told so many times 'he's one of the good guys' so if one of the 'good guys' isn't even interested then what hope is there! I'm just fed of this, why not just be honest and say nah I'm not feeling it!

I'm just really disappointed, I'm usually confident and won't put up with any shit but this has really knocked me and I don't know why it has so much.

OP posts:
pilates · 29/01/2019 07:31

I only use text for specific questions and not chit chat. I can’t bear it. But I am a different generation to you so it’s hard for me to judge. If he is on Snapchat might be an indication he is talking to other women? And saying he forgot to text back sounds like an excuse. Take your foot off the accelerator and see how it goes. Not a good sign that you’re not getting good vibes so early on in the relationship.

rosewater09 · 29/01/2019 07:52

OP, I know in your post you said you agreed you are "seeing each other" but did you define that it meant a committed, exclusive relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend (sorry if you've said and I missed the explanation)?

wishywashy6 · 29/01/2019 08:15

Why does snapchat instantly mean he's talking to other women? 🤔

ShatnersWig · 29/01/2019 08:28

I'd still love to know (I asked but didn't get an answer) how old the OP is and, come to think of it, this bloke. I think that might explain things.

user1490465531 · 29/01/2019 08:32

Well if men get so attached after sex why are they always the one that do the disappearing act after.
More men can detach after sex than women IMO but of course you will get a chorous of mumsnetters claiming it's the other way round.

user1490465531 · 29/01/2019 08:36

What has age got to do with it?
We can all get insecure at any age if someone acts out of character.

velourvoyageur · 29/01/2019 08:37

Why on earth should the OP tell MN her age when clearly you're going to use it against her Hmm you're in a bad mood Shatners clearly but no need to be rude to the OP

ShatnersWig · 29/01/2019 08:41

Well if men get so attached after sex why are they always the one that do the disappearing act after?

Please produce the statistics from the Office of National Statistics to back up your sweeping generalisation.

What has age got to do with it? We can all get insecure at any age if someone acts out of character

Yes. But the attitude to the constant texting is - in my experience on MN, not a statement of fact - more common among much younger women.

But he hadn't acted out of character. OP said right from the start he was a rubbish texter. Although later changed this after many of us suggested she was over-reacting and says that they chat an awful lot by text. It wasn't even the first time they had had sex (which sort of argues against your first point). And he was the first to text her the next day after they had slept together.

ShatnersWig · 29/01/2019 08:44

@velourvoyageur Not in a bad mood at all, actually. Many of us on this thread - in fact I'd now say the majority based on the comments last night - think the OP has over-reacted and is overthinking. If the OP was younger then he is likely to be younger and both their behaviours may just simply be down to relative youth and inexperience. If they are older, then it may be that the reason the OP hasn't had much luck with guys could be this repeated pattern she may have got into for being too intense and could be worked on.

wishywashy6 · 29/01/2019 08:45

Well if men get so attached after sex why are they always the one that do the disappearing act after.
More men can detach after sex than women IMO but of course you will get a chorous of mumsnetters claiming it's the other way round.

My personal experience is different. I don't really agree with grouping it into 'men do x and women do y'

bluejelly · 29/01/2019 08:46

I wouldn't write him off just yet. Just chill and see how it goes in the next couple of weeks. Also don't spend all day long waiting for his messages - keep busy and focused on other things.

user1490465531 · 29/01/2019 08:48

Shanters why come on a thread to constantly bitch.
I thought I read that it was the first time OP had sex with him perhaps OP could clarify on that one.

ShatnersWig · 29/01/2019 08:52

It was the second time we'd slept together and it was good sex, he seemed in no rush whatsoever for me to leave

She doesn't need to clarify it, you can just scroll up to yesterday at 14.01 user

HugoBearsMummy · 29/01/2019 08:54

@hatty1993 I would be feeling the same as you. This is one of the reasons I used to hate dating. In the end I had dates with so many of these wishy washy types I just cut my losses & stopped dating, and vowed I wouldn't date someone till they actually did a bit of 'chasing' & showed a bit of enthusiasm. I met DH and kept things very cool with him and he made a lot of effort to text, call, make plans etc etc & we've been together 6 years now. Perhaps just have a break from dating for a while & try not to put all eggs in one basket until you know for sure the person is 100% in to you.

user1490465531 · 29/01/2019 08:55

Ok well then at least OP doesn't need to worry he was after one thing.

wishywashy6 · 29/01/2019 09:05

@user1490465531 nobody on here can say what he was after, only he knows. But I wouldn't personally assume he's going to run after sex based purely on the fact he owns a penis.
If OP can't deal with his laid back response times and is constantly checking up on him then perhaps he's not the right guy for her 🤷🏼‍♀️

Original poster
hatty1993 · 29/01/2019 09:40

We're both 25, not that I feel it makes much difference @ShatnersWig but whatever. My issue is that I had gone from receiving 20+ messages every day, some where pretty dry but I was still getting messages which included morning and night messages. So then the day after we've had a date and had sex to receive 1 and for him to then say he had forgotten to text me back just doesn't sit right with me. I fell asleep last night so didn't reply to his last message and to be honest there was nothing to reply to anyway. I think as others have said he wouldn't be right for me cause I clearly need more attention than he would give.

OP posts:
wishywashy6 · 29/01/2019 09:48

@hatty1993 I wouldn't judge on age alone, but I would say that 25 year old me cared about things that 35 year old me doesn't give a shit about and I think that's perhaps where @ShatnersWig is coming from.
There's no right or wrong in this situation, he's doing things his way (which he's perfectly entitled to do) and you want things differently (which you are also entitled to want!)
Go out there and find yourself someone who ticks all the boxes you need them to tick Smile

disconnecteddrifter · 29/01/2019 09:57

It feels horrible I had about three 'relationships' like this. Went on for longer but pretty much the same thing. I took it so personally and wondered what I could have done, how to get back, why would they have done this.
What I know now is that it was a complete waste of energy. I challenged some of these guys and it made no difference.
In hindsight I know they did genuinely like me, but that something wasn't right. Whether that was from them not being ready as they thought, sex is a game changer not from when you do it but obviously sex triggers emotions and these can be scary on some level, it can put you right back to your most vulnerable moment and in my experience men are affected more by this as they are socialised to suppress any feelings unmasculine about it. But it does trigger anxieties. But you could search for a reason.
Sometimes I managed to 'keep' the man but it's all the same in the end. We weren't a good match and he couldn't meet my needs so we went through months and months and then broke up and I wished we'd just done it sooner.
I resented them but now think it just wasn't a good fit. And I realise that that was ok. The feelings I had were to do with much deeper emotional issues which I was projecting on them so in some ways it was good to go through what felt at the time total heartbreak and let myself experience it instead of finding distractions and I know myself much better now. I'm very resilient for now.
Keep trucking! I personally would not contact him again and if he persists in contacting you tell him you really like him, felt a good connection but you've realised your not a good fit. No blame. Be honest. And move on feel your feelings and try to appreciate what they are telling you about yourself.

Bluntness100 · 29/01/2019 09:59

Gosh, op, you are rather needy and well, a little desperate. However if you need constant communication and validation to feel secure, and crumble if you don't get it, then I think you should end it

Mrsmummy90 · 29/01/2019 10:18

Don't understand why other people are being so rude.

I get where you're coming from completely. In the past, I've had a couple of guys do that when I've like them and it hurts. You want to hear from them and it feels like they just don't give a shit!
It didn't end well with either guy and honestly, I'm sorry but it doesn't sound like it will with this guy.

When my DH and I started dating, we couldn't get enough of each other and always texted. No games. A couple of times he left his phone at my flat by accident so would nip home on his lunch break so he could message me from his iPad. lol.
Find a guy like that. You won't regret it xxx

ISpeakJive · 29/01/2019 10:26

*I know it's fun to be mean like this, but it's pretty cruel.

I do wonder about the lives of this subset of MNers who reply to every post wanting reassurance or advice with 'he's cheating*

donquix, I assure you there is nothing ‘fun’ about telling the OP that there is another woman but from where I’m sitting it’s bloody obvious. They’ve only known each other a short while and the OP is already questioning his lack of communicative texts.

ISpeakJive · 29/01/2019 10:26

Bold fucking fail

TaintforTheLikesOfWe · 29/01/2019 10:46

If someone had said they had forgotten to text me it would be clear they were not interested.

wishywashy6 · 29/01/2019 10:56

I get where you're coming from completely. In the past, I've had a couple of guys do that when I've like them and it hurts. You want to hear from them and it feels like they just don't give a shit!

But if they don't give a shit then why would you want to hear from them? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread