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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dh seeng other woman

119 replies

Lemon30 · 26/01/2019 02:27

I'm a stay at home mum and my job is to look after
the kids. I'm currently jobless for this reason as we
agreed to have this sort of lifestyle.

My DH works four days a week and his only free time
is on the weekends but instead of being with his family
he goes on lunch dates with a female friend, the female
friend is someone he works with and it's not often me
and my DH spend any quality time together with our
kids as he's almost always on weekend lunch dates with
this friend. This has been going on for the past few
months.

Our kids are mostly active during the afternoon while
he's with this friend and I find it inappropriate that my DH
is spending so much time with this woman. I've asked
my DH about it and he says it's his get away time
from work and the kids, which I find ridiculous as
that woman is a reminder of work as he works with
her and my DH barely ever spends time with the kids.
I pointed that out to him and he accused me of being
silly and claimed him and the woman are just close friends and stormed off.

My DH has put sex on hold for the past few weeks and
now I'm getting suspicious. He has even changed
the passcode to his iphone which is something I've
always previously had access to and when I text him
when he's on these lunch dates I usually get a response
an hour later or no response at all. He's at these lunch
dates usually from 11am-2pm which is three hours and
an excessive amount of time to be spending having
''lunch'' with someone and especially every Saturday.

On Sundays the kids are busy settling down and getting
ready for school the following day so that takes up a
chunk of that day too and if we suggest going somewhere
he'll make an excuse to stay inside.

We've been trying to save for a family holiday
this year. We have a joint bank account for this and
I checked it recently and there's a bunch of expensive
transactions and every month our savings get lower
and lower. I don't really want to mention this to my
DH as he'll most likely bring up the woman and him
just being close friends which is something I really
can't believe right now. This woman clearly isn't
just a close friend.

I noticed my husband is getting more and more distant
with me by the week. He refuses to spend much time
with me and the DCs. I don't want to lose
my husband to a slag at his work. It feels to me
like I've already lost him but there must be some
sort of way for him to come back to me emotionally?

I don't really know what to do

OP posts:
Justagirlwholovesaboy · 26/01/2019 02:32

It sounds like he is already gone, would you really want to keep him after this? I would end things on my own terms. Tell him it’s over, ask him to leave. Maybe the shock of it will bring him backing begging forgiveness eventually or maybe you’ll find a better life. This can’t get worse from now, so sorry

Sadiesnakes · 26/01/2019 02:36

He's clearly having an affair and walking all over you and you are being a complete doormat op. I'm sorry I sound harsh but I can't believe you have let it get this far? He has stripped your self esteem so low you are afraid to mention anything to him for fear he won't like being nagged. Apart from the obvious affair he's emotionally and financially abusing you, Please op, raise your bar and ltb.

Topseyt · 26/01/2019 02:43

Sounds like he is having an affair in plain sight. He isn't even bothering to try and hide it.

Time he got his marching orders.

kaitlinktm · 26/01/2019 02:50

It's his getaway time? Well where's yours then?

It's all very well calling this woman a slag - she hasn't made any vows or promises to you. Your problem is with your poor excuse of a husband - why on earth would you want him back. Even if he agrees, he has shown you the sort of person he is and he is likely to do the same again.

He is obviously having some sort of affair with her - it might be emotional at the moment, but if it is, this could soon progress to physical.

He has you where he wants you - financially dependent on him, frightened to call him out in case HE gets annoyed by you pointing out HIS poor behaviour.

Do you have any family or friends you could confide in or ask for advice. Women's Aid might advise you - there is financial abuse going on and some sort of gaslighting. Give them a ring and see.

ginpink · 26/01/2019 02:57

It's all very well calling this woman a slag - she hasn't made any vows or promises to you. Your problem is with your poor excuse of a husband

100% This!

I read threads like this and can't understand at all how the hell you got in this routine.

I'd be giving an ultimatum - lunches stop immediately or it's over. If he doesn't change then don't waste any more time on this man.

wellwishes · 26/01/2019 03:02

So strange that this is almost the norm for u and ur dh op. It's definitely not normal for a man on his day off to spend it away from his wife and dc ! I second the ultimatum of the lunches stopping or it's over ! He's not treating u well at all and it needs to stop. I'd also ask to look through his phone- whether u do or not - his reaction to the question will tell all u need to know.

SofiaAmes · 26/01/2019 03:03

And make sure you go through the files and collect copies of all the financial information BEFORE you tell him you are done.

Lozzerbmc · 26/01/2019 04:59

This is appalling behaviour on his part. I agree I think you need to ask him if he wants to continue with marriage then he needs to behave properly and give up this relationship otherwise he needs to leave. Get finances in order and can you look for a part time job? Good luck

jessstan2 · 26/01/2019 05:16

What Lozzerbmc said. Get rid! You're worth more.

MumsyJ · 26/01/2019 06:49

I think it's time to stood up to your OH. This is demeaning and does he not understand you need your own getaway time too?
I can't believe he's disrespected you to the point of making his dates obvious. Yes I second the ultimatum and be FIRM!

Dunin · 26/01/2019 06:56

Make sure you take those savings out of the joint account before confronting him. He’s dipping in to fund his dates! What he’s doing is not normal. I don’t know any other DH who has lunches with another woman while wife and kids stay at home!! He’s dating right in front of your eyes!!

Dunin · 26/01/2019 06:57

Why don’t you follow him to one of these dates and dump the kids on him and her. Then go off and go shopping by yourself for a few hours. Leave him to deal with the kids. Do it every Saturday. Be interesting to see how long the lunches last then.

katykins85 · 26/01/2019 08:00

Christ, he's totally done a number on you hasn't he! Don't say anything to him until you've moved half the savings somewhere safe and instructed a solicitor.

pinkdelight · 26/01/2019 08:13

So what would happen if, say, today you went out bright n early by yourself for the day, leaving him with the kids? That's the first thing I'd do - get your time away from the kids and fuck him and his lunches! And if he complains about the childcare or missing his lunch, I'd have it all out. What's there to fear? He's already treating you this badly.

What does he do on his other day off - you said he only does four days a week.

Bluntness100 · 26/01/2019 08:17

Your husband may be cheating on you, but she's the slag?

bigchris · 26/01/2019 08:24

Leave the kids with someone today and follow him

LadyRochfordsIcedGusset · 26/01/2019 08:31

Sorry OP for what you must be going through, he's thoroughly walked all over you the more you sacrificed for him. Hopefully you're realising this now.

If anyone's a slag it's him, the one that's married to you.

Whothere · 26/01/2019 08:49

No point followIng him, she knows who he’s with. He has made it sound normal when it’s not.

Dimsumlosesum · 26/01/2019 08:53

Sounds like he's checked out of the family. I'd go it on your own. Who needs a cheating stealing liar in their life?

pissedonatrain · 26/01/2019 09:27

First thing Monday see if you can talk to a lawyer for a free consult.
Take all the money out of that joint account before he spends it all on his affair.

After you get the legal advice and have the money in a safe place, tell him that you've had enough with him and the female friend and he needs to leave because the marriage is over. No arguments or discussion just tell him to get out.

What he is doing is horrible. This not the time to be nice or put up with it any longer.

He might pull his head out of his arse and realise he doesn't want to lose his family but then again, you may see what a disrespectful twat he is and not want him back

LemonTT · 26/01/2019 09:38

OP, i realise you have feelings for your husband and you have invested a lot in the marriage. This makes it difficult for you to face up to what is happening.

This is not about him taking out 3 hours at the weekend. It’s also not about this woman’s sexual morality. It is about his feelings for you and his commitment to your marriage. This is what you need to ask him to explain. This is the truth you need and which only he can provide.

It is time for you and him to have a 3 hour conversation without the children. This is what I would tell him and I would make it happen. But before that you should think about what is wrong with what he is doing and why it really matters to you.

For me this situation would be about his decision and his active choice to spend quality time with another woman. That he prefers her company to yours and the children. The fact that he doesn’t make that time for you.

When he married you, it was because he wanted you as that person in his life. Now he wants her. That is breaking his commitment to you, it is betraying your vows and it is being unfaithful. Are you going to allow him to do that ? If not tell him his actions mean the marriage is over for you. That he should leave and whilst you consider your future.

Original poster
Lemon30 · 26/01/2019 14:51

In response to everyone here, I won't bother following my husband because I think I already know what's going on and I don't want to see anything. He's clearly sleeping with her as my husband has stopped having sex with me for weeks and never asks for it anymore. not that I would want to have sex with him after all of this anyway.

I rang up my mum today as soon as my DH left the house to go to ''lunch'' with this woman. I told mum everything and she offered to let me stay at her house for a while. I was able to transfer half of the money left in the savings account, I took screenshots of the transactions, and packed most of the kids things into boxes. Mum came to pick us up and our things too and we left before my husband got back home.

I'm very aware that my husband might take that woman to our house while I'm gone but then again he doesn't know when/if I'm coming back

Husband has been texting me asking where I am but I don't really know what to say to that and don't want to give him my location as I don't want to see him right now.

I've started looking for a job so we have some money coming in luckily mum has offered to help out with some of the costs

OP posts:
Parthenope · 26/01/2019 14:57

Lemon, are you afraid of your husband? Because you seemed very reluctant to confront him over his relationship with his female colleague and how he seemed to have checked out of parenting entirely, and now you leave the marital home with the children literally without a word! Even if you have decided you want to end your marriage, did you not consider having him leave, to minimise disruption for you and the children? Why should they be camping out in your mother's because he's having a probable affair?

MumsyJ · 26/01/2019 14:59

Well done OP, one step forward. Do not disclose your location, if he really knows you, he should know the first place you'll be is at family's.
Good luck with the job hunt, do not give up no matter the amount of rejections from recruiters ( it's the norm), but your dream job awaits you FlowersWine

UnicornSlaughters · 26/01/2019 15:17

Wow OP, good for you. You're incredibly strong. I hope you're doing okay.

Dont tell your husband where you are. He deserves nothing from you right now. Speak to him when you're ready.

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