dh seeng other woman

[Lemon30]

I'm a stay at home mum and my job is to look after
the kids. I'm currently jobless for this reason as we
agreed to have this sort of lifestyle.

My DH works four days a week and his only free time
is on the weekends but instead of being with his family
he goes on lunch dates with a female friend, the female
friend is someone he works with and it's not often me
and my DH spend any quality time together with our
kids as he's almost always on weekend lunch dates with
this friend. This has been going on for the past few
months.

Our kids are mostly active during the afternoon while
he's with this friend and I find it inappropriate that my DH
is spending so much time with this woman. I've asked
my DH about it and he says it's his get away time
from work and the kids, which I find ridiculous as
that woman is a reminder of work as he works with
her and my DH barely ever spends time with the kids.
I pointed that out to him and he accused me of being
silly and claimed him and the woman are just close friends and stormed off.

My DH has put sex on hold for the past few weeks and
now I'm getting suspicious. He has even changed
the passcode to his iphone which is something I've
always previously had access to and when I text him
when he's on these lunch dates I usually get a response
an hour later or no response at all. He's at these lunch
dates usually from 11am-2pm which is three hours and
an excessive amount of time to be spending having
''lunch'' with someone and especially every Saturday.

On Sundays the kids are busy settling down and getting
ready for school the following day so that takes up a
chunk of that day too and if we suggest going somewhere
he'll make an excuse to stay inside.

We've been trying to save for a family holiday
this year. We have a joint bank account for this and
I checked it recently and there's a bunch of expensive
transactions and every month our savings get lower
and lower. I don't really want to mention this to my
DH as he'll most likely bring up the woman and him
just being close friends which is something I really
can't believe right now. This woman clearly isn't
just a close friend.

I noticed my husband is getting more and more distant
with me by the week. He refuses to spend much time
with me and the DCs. I don't want to lose
my husband to a slag at his work. It feels to me
like I've already lost him but there must be some
sort of way for him to come back to me emotionally?

I don't really know what to do

Lemon. I echo some concern that you may be avoiding a direct conversation with your husband. Leaving him is a dramatic statement that will have grabbed his attention and may bring him to heel. If that is what you are aiming for. However it could equally drive his behaviour into the shadows and your marriage will continue to be at risk.

In reality you need to have a proper conversation with him. One where he can explain why he thinks this is appropriate behaviour. One where he is straight about his commitment to the marriage, to you and to his children. I can see that it might take some time for you to feel strong enough for this. That’s fine and you should take your time. But if you don’t have this conversation you will be repeating the mistake you have listed above. You just won’t see it this time.

@MsDogLady

I think if such a thing crossed my mind at the time I wouldn't have allowed my husband to go to lunch with her. Back then he didn't seem to me as the sort of person he's behaving now.

I don't know if he thinks I'm at my mums right now. I could've chosen any other family member?

If he has a Google/gmail account that you know the login details for, you can see where he's been (and he can do the same for you). On a computer (don't think it works on a phone/tablet), open Google maps, log in with his Google account, open the menu ( = symbol) and choose timeline. It'll show everywhere his phone's been.
(Disclaimer: I'm not a stalker! But I do some lone working involving home visits in sometimes quite rough areas. If I'm feeling apprehensive about a particular visit I'll ask DH to keep an eye out for my whereabouts.)

Do you ever get time alone OP? Howabout suggesting you go out with a male friend every Sunday and see how that goes down? If you don't have any...you could easily meet a male friend online. At the click of a finger I could do that.

You see l don't like being taken for a fool and if my DH tried that crap, he'd soon regret it.

If it's good for him I'd do the same. You don't lunch every week with a friend. Not even a same sex friend.

Being with kids every day is tiring.

You did the right thing by going to your mums.

Don't listen to scare mongers on here about staying away too long. You've only been gone a couple of days!

Call around and get a free appointment with a solicitor. They will give you good legal advice.

Are you from the UK or from a different culture?

op, in the kindest way, you seem so passive and are just letting him absolutely walk all over you, no wonder he is doing what he is doing - what are the consequences?
he hasnt even tried to find you ffs. he doesnt care where you are - he will be thinking great no one nagging and i can shag miss x whenever i like.

please get some legal advice and take some action - because you have buried your head on the sand for a long time and then suddenly got your dander up to leave and now you are in limbo again and i feel you are just thinking it would be easier to go back and forget about it.

he is having an affair right under your nose. he doesnt even care enough to hide it! he thinks you are a complete mug. this would annoy me.

Have a look at these

www.entitledto.co.uk

www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/domestic-violence/leaving-abusive-relationship

The second website has a section on what to include on your safety packing list - it’s all the documents that you’ll need going forward.

He is walking all over you. He doesn’t respect you. He doesn’t care - about you OR the kids.

You need to put on your big girl pants. You KNOW what you need to do, now you just need to get on and do it

Lemon30 - a couple of posters have said you are ‘passive’. Sometimes we need to take our time.

I’m not sure if you have either conclusive evidence that he’s cheating (yes, everything points to it of course) but when confronted he may well deny it, gaslight you, put it into you. Plenty of threads on here outlining ‘the script’ - the process by which men will respond when confronted. Take a look - it’s well worth a read.

It sounds like he’s giving you space? I think he probably knows he’s been sussed but he is the passive one, waiting for you to make the move to accusation.

Take your time, think, keep eyes and ears open. Take all the time you need. Think some more. A lot is at stake here.

Going straight to confrontation isn’t the only way forward.

O4FS
i dont think anyone is suggesting confrontation, but i would be laying down the law and saying choose. simple as that.

I’m afraid I don’t see how that isnt being confrontationaL, or what law there is to lay down.

If I knew (for a fact) that my H was cheating, there would be no ‘choose’ option. (I did, and there wasn’t). If my instinct was strong but I didn’t know for absolute certain I’d be biding my time and putting things in place.

I suspect the H here will deny, tell OP she is ‘mad’ ‘paranoid’, then ‘you drove me to it’ as per the script.

When your life is turned upside like this, it’s overwhelming. You doubt yourself, you question your own instincts and don’t trust your judgement. There’s disbelief in how this person - so important in your life - could cause that much pain to you.

I can only speak from my own experience and share that and what I have learnt. We all handle things differently.

Hi! Sorry to jump on, I just need advice. about a year ago I found out my boyfriend was talking to a girl from work, I never see any messages it was only that my gut feeling was so strong I messaged her and she comfirmed they speak, but as friends. But he denied this for a long time then finally admitted they spoke, on text and Facebook... I still to this day haven’t seen any messages, turns out she was texting other boys hat worked there too but my boyfriend says they was “a group of friends” at the workplace. That subject is not discussed anymore between us, as it was over a year ago. Now he’s in a new job, in a warehouse but there are offices in a different room but all run by the same company, when he started I asked if any girls worked there and he said “no, it’s a warehouse why would there be” then 10 months down the line I finds out there is a girl in the offices, he admits it and says he didn’t tell me cause he thought I would have gone mad like the last time, thinking he’s doing something. He said he’s spoke to her at work only and only when they’re making a drink or cross paths and say hello. I’m so paranoid he’s doing the same thing as before and I can’t get it out my mind, she has a boyfriend and I haven’t spoke to her before or see her but the fact he lied there was a girl there causes concern. His passenger car seat is always in a different position and he hates he subject of her being brought up, I dont know if it’s me being paranoid cause of last time or I’m right. Help :(

I've already withdrawn half of what was in the savings account. I don't think it would be a good idea to withdraw all of it because the money in our joint savings is supposed to belong to both of us

So its ok for him to spend it on his side chick but not OK for you to withdraw from it? I would take it all out personally. Or at least tot up how much he has been spending and take that out too.

Hopefully things work out for you, but make sure you put your children and yourself well before him. People don't change over night!

@bushka123 you might want to start your own thread as people will be leaving their advise on this thread for the OP :)

@bushka123 leave him. You dont trust him and can’t continue to live like this. Maybe get some counselling too.

@Lemon30 he probably would assume you've gone to your mums as you've not been back yet, has he text you back yet or tried calling? If not he may be otherwise engaging himself to keep busy and distract himself from what's going on to get through it. But this should be the wake up call he needs, and if not you may have already lost him emotionally.
Allowing him on these lunch dates was good of you, showing you wasn't controlling, jealous etc. But he has taken advantage by doing it every weekend. He probably has feelings for her so you've done right to leave. Keep checking the find my iPhone app every so often and you'll see where he is throughout the days/evenings. Evenings would be where your more likely to find him out in places he wouldn't normally be.
Did you speak to a solicitor or anyone about everything that's going on to get their advice?

@dontknowwhatnametochoose

I think your idea on using the find my iPhone app is useful, I could take screenshots of his whereabouts, but wouldn't that be considered stalking?

I'm feeling a bit hesitant to use it because I don't want to know if he's at the OW house, I think I'd feel sick to my stomach even more if I saw, but I think it would be good to get such evidence.

@sisterlove

I think that's a brilliant idea! I'll have a think about it

@Immeantobeworking (and @ everyone else that has said similar)

That's a brilliant idea too, I'll be doing that later today

@LemonTT

now that I think about it I don't think my husband would care that much or at all if I left? He's having an affair so has emotionally distanced himself from me, and he doesn't have much of a bond with the kids anymore. I'm surprised he hasn't told me he wants to leave me yet

And to keep everyone updated, he sent me a few texts asking why I left and where I am. I told him that I'm not in any danger, that I left because I need to think about things, and that's all I've said to him today (through text, I haven't gone back, I'm still at mums)

Well done you for sticking it out this long. As you say he's emotionally distanced himself from you and barely has a bond with the kids all from his own doing so he's probably liking his freedom at the moment. I was meaning to get evidence of his whereabouts for any solicitors and proof you may need of this affair as he could deny all.

I don't know what the next steps are or how to advise next. When this situation happened to me I got all the proof I needed but it took 3 months after me making my ex leave before I actually found out for definite he cheated. It was a gut feeling which I knew was right. Do you know what position your in financially in this situation and where your going to live long term? I would try get back in the house and make him leave if i was you I rthink.

It's all very well calling this woman a slag - she hasn't made any vows or promises to you. Your problem is with your poor excuse of a husband

^Any woman who has an affair with a man who is married or has a partner is a slag

OP you may be wondering how to confront or speak to your H about the situation? Have you considered doing this through a mediator or with a third party there to witness what you say and bring some balance? You could ask a friend or someone you trust or you could speak to Relate and see if the have any advice. Also have you thought about counselling or coaching for yourself? Don’t be afraid to to find help - and spend some of that joint account on that.