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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dh seeng other woman

119 replies

Lemon30 · 26/01/2019 02:27

I'm a stay at home mum and my job is to look after
the kids. I'm currently jobless for this reason as we
agreed to have this sort of lifestyle.

My DH works four days a week and his only free time
is on the weekends but instead of being with his family
he goes on lunch dates with a female friend, the female
friend is someone he works with and it's not often me
and my DH spend any quality time together with our
kids as he's almost always on weekend lunch dates with
this friend. This has been going on for the past few
months.

Our kids are mostly active during the afternoon while
he's with this friend and I find it inappropriate that my DH
is spending so much time with this woman. I've asked
my DH about it and he says it's his get away time
from work and the kids, which I find ridiculous as
that woman is a reminder of work as he works with
her and my DH barely ever spends time with the kids.
I pointed that out to him and he accused me of being
silly and claimed him and the woman are just close friends and stormed off.

My DH has put sex on hold for the past few weeks and
now I'm getting suspicious. He has even changed
the passcode to his iphone which is something I've
always previously had access to and when I text him
when he's on these lunch dates I usually get a response
an hour later or no response at all. He's at these lunch
dates usually from 11am-2pm which is three hours and
an excessive amount of time to be spending having
''lunch'' with someone and especially every Saturday.

On Sundays the kids are busy settling down and getting
ready for school the following day so that takes up a
chunk of that day too and if we suggest going somewhere
he'll make an excuse to stay inside.

We've been trying to save for a family holiday
this year. We have a joint bank account for this and
I checked it recently and there's a bunch of expensive
transactions and every month our savings get lower
and lower. I don't really want to mention this to my
DH as he'll most likely bring up the woman and him
just being close friends which is something I really
can't believe right now. This woman clearly isn't
just a close friend.

I noticed my husband is getting more and more distant
with me by the week. He refuses to spend much time
with me and the DCs. I don't want to lose
my husband to a slag at his work. It feels to me
like I've already lost him but there must be some
sort of way for him to come back to me emotionally?

I don't really know what to do

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 26/01/2019 16:38

Well done for getting yourself and your children out of there. You and they deserve so much better. Thanks

O4FS · 26/01/2019 16:39

entitledto.com will help money wise. Ring child tax credits on Monday to get things moving.

Start to prepare with practicalities. Even if you don’t use them, start to make provision.

Good luck.

TotallyWipedout · 26/01/2019 16:44

Lemon, it's great that your mum is supportive, and that you have the strength to take action. But I just want to sound a note of caution. It's not a good idea to leave the family home long term, because if things do turn unpleasant, your husband and his lawyer can argue that you don't 'need' a decent share of whatever equity you have, on the grounds that you have somewhere else to go and someone else to support you. It's better, if at all possible, not to leave the marital home. I realise this isn't a conversation you can have with him now (and realise you don't want any conversation at all with him), but it's worth bearing in mind for the coming weeks.

maddieharrison · 26/01/2019 16:47

Hi hun. I'm so sorry to hear of your situation. But well done for putting yourself and your children first and getting out! You are very brave and incredibly strong for doing so.
I agree with above poster ... find out what you are entitled to on Monday and prepare the practicalities. You are not a maid or a child minder for anyone!
We are all here for you! Keep us updated. X

Fuktifano · 26/01/2019 16:49

The marital home may not be a safe place for op to return to given that her husband also has a legal right to be there. He is manipulative and unlikely to leave on her request. Legal advice asap

rytonsister · 26/01/2019 16:59

Well done op I'm rooting for you. Have a breather by all means but you do need legal advice pronto. Don't leave the home permanently if you can avoid it.

If he won't go I'd be suggesting you sell up and split the equity- but get legal advice, all assets are divided 50/50 so they'll take into account his pension etc. - means you could end up with more equity or stay in the house.

Hes a shit. You're doing great x

TotallyWipedout · 26/01/2019 17:00

@Fuktifano I don't think there's any suggestion that the OP is unsafe with her husband. He might be unpleasant once she tells him she's leaving him, but she hasn't suggested that he has ever been aggressive or abusive. They both have a legal right to be there, and unless he has any kind of 'form' for aggression/abuse, they may have to put up with both being in the house for the time being (unless he does the decent thing - if decency comes into his horrible behaviour at all - and moves in with his "friend"). I have done this, and it's no fun, but it was necessary. I do agree, though, that the OP needs to take legal advice asap (I'd be starting to do this first thing on Monday morning).

ginpink · 26/01/2019 17:04

I wonder if the OP is renting? Would that change the legal side of things when moving out?

redredvino · 26/01/2019 17:06

Huge well done for making the move.

redredvino · 26/01/2019 17:07

I would contact him saying he's got till the end of the week to find somewhere to go and stay

O4FS · 26/01/2019 17:07

I would quietly make preparations behind the scenes and play your cards close to your chest. It’s a lot to take in and once the ball is rolling it’s a lot to think about.

As you are a SAHM you may be entitled to a greater split of assets as your earning power has been compromised because you have supported your family. 70:30 is quite a normal split for a family home, and you may be able to stay in that home until your youngest is 18/21. Pensions will also be negotiated on - yours and his if you have one.

But I fear I am running ahead here and I don’t want to scare you. MN is a great resource for emotional and practical advice. I hope you are ok. Have been there myself, so many of us have, you aren’t alone.

HugoBearsMummy · 26/01/2019 17:14

After seeing so many threads like this I find it very saddening and awful that so many ladies take this shit off their cunt husbands!!
Sorry but If DH said oh btw I'm off out on Saturday for a cosy lunch with a woman you've never met Instead of spending time with you and DS I'd be saying over my dead fucking body!! And if he went thru with it regardless his bags would be packed and HE'D be out the door!!
So glad you've taken the step you have OP but I don't think you should have had to leave the family home and upheave your children. Sorry ur going thru this Thanks

Fuktifano · 26/01/2019 17:49

@TotallyWipedout,whilst op has not disclosed physical abuse, there is a clear power imbalance within the relationship and op appears rather intimidated by her emotionally abusive husband therefore her home may not be an emotionally safe place for her to be. In terms of risk it is well known that abuse can and often escalates on separation. Op should indeed (as suggested by previous poster)speak to women's aid for safety advice.

Thatwasfast · 26/01/2019 17:56

Well done OP!!

How old are your children?

Your mum sounds amazing. Your children are lucky to have an amazing mum and grandma.

On Monday go and see what benefits you are entitled to, and start a child maintenance e claim. In a couple of years you’ll be so so glad you left this duckless wonder

Confused1681 · 26/01/2019 18:54

Any update OP? Well done for taking this step. It didn’t sound like you could of carried on much longer like that and he clearly doesn’t have any respect

Aimarge · 26/01/2019 19:04

You and the kids deserve more Flowers

Original poster
Lemon30 · 26/01/2019 19:55

I've decided to stay at mums for a while with the kids. Maybe for a week or so to get my head straight.

As for the text I've replied and said I'm having get-away time Wink He's asked me when I plan on coming back home but I left him on read as I don't really want him to know.

I've seen stories where some cheaters have brought someone else home thinking their partner wont arrive anytime soon but they did and were caught in the act.

I want to make sure my husband doesn't bring the OW home as the thought of them sleeping in our bed makes me sick to my stomach, and the leaving-him-on-read tactic is the only tactic I can think of for this

OP posts:
O4FS · 26/01/2019 20:04

He does understand why you’ve gone doesn’t he? Or does he think you just fancy a change of scene?

No ‘are you ok?’ ‘We need to talk’?

Surfingtheweb · 26/01/2019 21:09

@Lemon30 you are in a situation now where you can say the situation with the other woman is bang out of order & you won't tolerate it. Tell him you've left because of that, that you need space & you don't know when you'll be back, could be tomorrow could be a week, that way he won't be bringing anyone home as he won't know if or when you will turn up, but he will have the slap in the face he needs to make him think about his behaviour & treatment of you. Use this opportunity to get your voice heard, make sure he knows you've gone because of this situation with this woman. I'd contact her if I were you too. He's had his chance to sort it out. If she is under the illusion you 2 are together only for the kids & are actually separated - it's time to set her straight!!

redredvino · 26/01/2019 21:12

Lemon get away time??? Ffs!! I'd have him by the balls at this point. Let him know why you've gone!!!!

UnicornSlaughters · 26/01/2019 21:43

You need to spell it out to him OP.

"I am sick of you conducting an affair right under my nose. I don't care if it's emotional or physical, I'm sick of it and have reached my limit. We'll be back when I can bear to look at you again to discuss what happens next."

redredvino · 26/01/2019 21:44

Excellent response @UnicornSlaughters

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 26/01/2019 21:46

Exactly what @unicorn suggested

ginpink · 26/01/2019 21:51

Agree with @UnicornSlaughters.

He really needs to know that you're not happy with him and see what his response is.

MsDogLady · 26/01/2019 21:56

Lemon, I agree with @Surfingtheweb. Your husband needs the shock of hearing the real reason for your leaving. He needs to know that your leaving is the consequence of his dispicable behavior.

I would say that I am no longer tolerating his massive disrespect and his affair with OW.

I would say that I refuse to be with a man who treats the children and me like mugs.

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