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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dh seeng other woman

119 replies

Lemon30 · 26/01/2019 02:27

I'm a stay at home mum and my job is to look after
the kids. I'm currently jobless for this reason as we
agreed to have this sort of lifestyle.

My DH works four days a week and his only free time
is on the weekends but instead of being with his family
he goes on lunch dates with a female friend, the female
friend is someone he works with and it's not often me
and my DH spend any quality time together with our
kids as he's almost always on weekend lunch dates with
this friend. This has been going on for the past few
months.

Our kids are mostly active during the afternoon while
he's with this friend and I find it inappropriate that my DH
is spending so much time with this woman. I've asked
my DH about it and he says it's his get away time
from work and the kids, which I find ridiculous as
that woman is a reminder of work as he works with
her and my DH barely ever spends time with the kids.
I pointed that out to him and he accused me of being
silly and claimed him and the woman are just close friends and stormed off.

My DH has put sex on hold for the past few weeks and
now I'm getting suspicious. He has even changed
the passcode to his iphone which is something I've
always previously had access to and when I text him
when he's on these lunch dates I usually get a response
an hour later or no response at all. He's at these lunch
dates usually from 11am-2pm which is three hours and
an excessive amount of time to be spending having
''lunch'' with someone and especially every Saturday.

On Sundays the kids are busy settling down and getting
ready for school the following day so that takes up a
chunk of that day too and if we suggest going somewhere
he'll make an excuse to stay inside.

We've been trying to save for a family holiday
this year. We have a joint bank account for this and
I checked it recently and there's a bunch of expensive
transactions and every month our savings get lower
and lower. I don't really want to mention this to my
DH as he'll most likely bring up the woman and him
just being close friends which is something I really
can't believe right now. This woman clearly isn't
just a close friend.

I noticed my husband is getting more and more distant
with me by the week. He refuses to spend much time
with me and the DCs. I don't want to lose
my husband to a slag at his work. It feels to me
like I've already lost him but there must be some
sort of way for him to come back to me emotionally?

I don't really know what to do

OP posts:
BBnamechangex · 26/01/2019 15:18

Im so sorry @Lemon30 but you are so much better of without him xxx

twirlbabytwirl · 26/01/2019 15:19

Well done OP. Make sure he pays child maintenance.

foodiefil · 26/01/2019 15:24

Transfer all the pissing savings if he's been the one dwindling him! Fucking prick

foodiefil · 26/01/2019 15:24

*dwindling them

Tinkerbell89 · 26/01/2019 15:26

Gather evidence of the money he's spending and anything you can to prove this going on that way if you decide to leave him you'll have evidence on your reasons for it.

I think this is strange him openly seeing another woman and not hiding it. Emotionally he sounds like he's elsewhere and slowly leaving the family. I would be upset he that he's not taking you out or being a good father. That is also something you need to keep In mind and log how much time he actually spends with the kids or all together as a family incase you or he leaves and this ends in a custody battle. Also id lock your phone

Tinkerbell89 · 26/01/2019 15:28

Just seen you've left. Good on you .

MsDogLady · 26/01/2019 15:30

Lemon, kudos for deciding to stop tolerating this cheating man’s abuse. Yes, his dispicable behavior is abusive.

He has abandoned you and his children and prioritized OW. He has used anger and accusations of you being “silly” to deflect blame onto you. He has spent family money on OW, and has refused to parent. He has breached his fidelity to you. That is quite a list.

I’m wondering why you didn’t send HIM away. Do you think he would refuse to leave?

Stay strong, Lemon. Your children will benefit from your courage.

sue51 · 26/01/2019 15:34

It really should be him leaving the family home not you and the children. I would get legal advice asap.

Original poster
Lemon30 · 26/01/2019 15:41

@parthenope

I'm worried about how my husband would behave if I brought up the female ''friend'' again. If I told him to get out, we'd have an argument. I'm too upset to deal with him today so I left myself.

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 26/01/2019 15:50

After rereading everything, it is clear that you needed to get yourself and the children out. I imagine that he would have become enraged at you if you’d insisted that he leave. As for the children, they probably love being at grandmother’s.

MsDogLady · 26/01/2019 15:52

Oops, cross posted with your update.

AdoreTheBeach · 26/01/2019 15:52

I’m very sorry you’re going through this. It must be so painful but you have done the right thing. Stay strong. You d jump the first and hardest hurdle.

Please do get advice. Particularly about maintenance for your children. Focus on getting as much info about joint assets, including his pension, for your eventual settlement.

Hugs to you.

Hotpinkangel19 · 26/01/2019 15:52

B

RagingWhoreBag · 26/01/2019 15:55

You had my sympathy until you called her a slag. Fgs it’s him that’s the problem, checking out of family life to have cosy lunches with another woman and you’re just waiting at home texting him.

Find your dignity. Tell him to piss off and let them have all the cosy lunches they want, with your DCs in tow as it’s his access weekend and you’re off having a bit of free time too.

Surfingtheweb · 26/01/2019 15:58

Sounds horrible, but I'm with you OP, that woman knows he's married with kids, she is disgusting. What woman in their right mind would be meeting up with a married man every week for lunch? No decent woman would ever do that. & your husband is disgusting too.

MortyVicar · 26/01/2019 15:59

If you need to reply to his 'where are you' question, just say that you needed to get away and have time to think.

You don't need to give a location.

Racecardriver · 26/01/2019 16:07

You need to withdraw the money from your joint savings account ASAP and use it on a good divorce lawyer.

ImNotKitten · 26/01/2019 16:11

She isn’t a slag anymore than he is. And more importantly he’s the one who made vows and promises to you. He’s the one betraying you. He’s probably spun her a web of lies about how awful you are, that you’ve split up but just living together for the kids sake etc.

Well done for taking decisive action and going to your DM’s. You deserve so much better than his vile behaviour and I’m glad your DM is there to support you.

Original poster
Lemon30 · 26/01/2019 16:15

I've already withdrawn half of what was in the savings account. I don't think it would be a good idea to withdraw all of it because the money in our joint savings is supposed to belong to both of us

OP posts:
Mia184 · 26/01/2019 16:15

Sounds horrible, but I'm with you OP, that woman knows he's married with kids, she is disgusting. What woman in their right mind would be meeting up with a married man every week for lunch? No decent woman would ever do that. & your husband is disgusting too.

^^This. My brother once told me that whenever he went out and wore a ring, women approached him and wanted to get to know him. When he didn‘t wear it, he had to approach them.

LEMtheoriginal · 26/01/2019 16:22

Well yes the OPs husband is to blame here and her anger should be with him.

But im with the OP. Its not like the OW thinks he is available and is niavely seeing a man who can only spare time onan afternoon. She is fucking blatant and has earned her title imo.

Hes a cunt. Shes also a cunt. I dont like the term slag though

Daisymay2 · 26/01/2019 16:24

If he has been spending money out of your joint savings, tot it up and remove the same amount. He has been spending joint money on something and you should take the same amount in addition to 50% of what is left.

Ozziewozzie · 26/01/2019 16:28

This is what you say
'Just to let you know, I am with our children, looking after them as they quite rightly deserve. Although you agreed to have the children with me, as of late, your priorities seem elsewhere. You leave your family on a regular basis for someone else yet you expect us to be there for you.
You have made your choices and I will be making mine for the benefit of our children. You don't need to worry yourself or distract yourself from your current interests. Your children and myself are worth so much more and today we are beginning a new path to achieve that.

Hold your head up high op. You have your dignity, your gorgeous children, your morals and a bright future. You deserve better than to be childminder and house keeper. You deserve to be valued as an individual and as a mother. Don't doubt yourself. Today you showed great courage. You won't regret it. You fabulous lady. Xxx

babba2014 · 26/01/2019 16:33

Yes it's not 50/50 yet so you could transfer more money.
Good for being strong. Odd behaviour for him to think it's normal.

ginpink · 26/01/2019 16:35

Well done @Lemon30 you have done the right thing for you and your kiddies. Thanks sorry you have to go through this xx

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