dh seeng other woman

[Lemon30]

I'm a stay at home mum and my job is to look after
the kids. I'm currently jobless for this reason as we
agreed to have this sort of lifestyle.

My DH works four days a week and his only free time
is on the weekends but instead of being with his family
he goes on lunch dates with a female friend, the female
friend is someone he works with and it's not often me
and my DH spend any quality time together with our
kids as he's almost always on weekend lunch dates with
this friend. This has been going on for the past few
months.

Our kids are mostly active during the afternoon while
he's with this friend and I find it inappropriate that my DH
is spending so much time with this woman. I've asked
my DH about it and he says it's his get away time
from work and the kids, which I find ridiculous as
that woman is a reminder of work as he works with
her and my DH barely ever spends time with the kids.
I pointed that out to him and he accused me of being
silly and claimed him and the woman are just close friends and stormed off.

My DH has put sex on hold for the past few weeks and
now I'm getting suspicious. He has even changed
the passcode to his iphone which is something I've
always previously had access to and when I text him
when he's on these lunch dates I usually get a response
an hour later or no response at all. He's at these lunch
dates usually from 11am-2pm which is three hours and
an excessive amount of time to be spending having
''lunch'' with someone and especially every Saturday.

On Sundays the kids are busy settling down and getting
ready for school the following day so that takes up a
chunk of that day too and if we suggest going somewhere
he'll make an excuse to stay inside.

We've been trying to save for a family holiday
this year. We have a joint bank account for this and
I checked it recently and there's a bunch of expensive
transactions and every month our savings get lower
and lower. I don't really want to mention this to my
DH as he'll most likely bring up the woman and him
just being close friends which is something I really
can't believe right now. This woman clearly isn't
just a close friend.

I noticed my husband is getting more and more distant
with me by the week. He refuses to spend much time
with me and the DCs. I don't want to lose
my husband to a slag at his work. It feels to me
like I've already lost him but there must be some
sort of way for him to come back to me emotionally?

I don't really know what to do

Just saw @unicorn’s post. Yes, tell him that.

Glad to see you left OP but agree you need to tell this Prick why.

Glad to see your strong enough to take this first step, his behaviour is out of order. His weekends should be spent with his family, he certainly doesn't appreciate you or your children. They probably don't even have a good bond with him as he sounds so distant in their lives.

Also like pp said, I would count up how much he's been taking out of the joint savings and then draw half that out for yourself too. After all, he's spent that joint money on an affair presumably then you can have the same amount too!

If you want to know if he is taking her to hotels etc and he has an iPhone and you have his Apple ID you can log in and see where he is on find my iPhone app if you need proof they may be at hotels etc...

Lemon, he needs to experience your absence as a loss that is a direct result of his cheating.

Don’t miss this opportunity to make a stand and assert your self-respect.

His thinking this is get-away time will not teach him anything.

What @UnicornSlaughters said x 100

You have been brilliantly decisive in going to stay at your mums, don't pussy foot around now. Let him know EXACTLY what you know and that you will not stand it for another moment.

Head. Held. High.

Yes what UnicornSlaughters said is on the money. I’m not sure he understands why you have gone OP

I'll tell him why I've left tomorrow but I think we'll both need time to process it all before I make a return. I think I should extend the amount of time I'll be spending at my mums to two weeks for this reason, however I think staying away from home for longer than a week would give away the idea that I won't be returning anytime soon

As for the iPhone thing, I think he would get an alert if someone logged into his Apple ID from another device? And then he'd get my location?

I don't think the find my iPhone app does tell them that you've logged in to find their phone

It certainly doesn't tell them your location

Op, unless he is violent, aggressive or abusive, don’t play games. He currently doesn’t know where you are or why you’ve left and all he knows is that you have pnd and his children with you. You are not teaching him anything, but could be doing yourself a disservice.

I’d be Messaging:

“I’ve left today because you feel that it is acceptable to spend your weekends on dates with your female colleague, rather than with the children and I. You expect me to believe your relationship is platonic, yet make yourself completely unavailable to me for 3 hours whilst you are with her. There are significant amounts of money missing from our account and quite frankly I am fed up with you treating me like I am an idiot.
I’ve moved in with my mother and am undecided as to if and when I will be home, however you can be certain that I will be pursuing legal advice come next week.
Don’t call me or attempt to turn up here. I will make arrangements with you regarding the children soon.”

Good luck!

What a Ahole did he not even ask why you have gone? You've taken 50% of savings, that is very generous of you considering the circumstances, but if he has been spending your joint money on conducting this affair, then add that up and take that too!
Agree with pp that you need to get back in the house if you own it.
I'm so mad of your behalf, and so sorry your going through this.

I know his Apple ID and password, but I don't really know how to use the find my iPhone app. I tried searching for how-to videos on how to use the find my iPhone app but the videos just show how to see where the iPhone is at that moment and not how to see where it's previously been?

Sometimes I log into my email from another device and I get an email telling me another device has logged into my email account. I thought it would be the same for an Apple ID account? Wouldn't he be notified through email?

@Lemon30 don't log in to his I cloud, I think it sends an e mail alert, I think it only shows current location not the past, but to be honest at this stage I think you'd morally be well within your rights to look. But I don't know how the law stands, from my find my I phone id say it's not worth it.
Do you know where this woman lives? If I were you I'd be paying her a visit. He may have spun her a line, or she may have made a bee line for him, some women like married men because they are safe, but either way most women will speak face to face, no phone or text, knock her door. (Only if you can do that without knocking her head off, which anyone would forgive you for doing - except a judge 🙈)

giving you strength OP

I don’t know of any app that can tell you where a phone has been, only where it currently is.

I like Unicorns message too. Direct and to the point.

@DBML 's post is the best thus far. Agree that game-playing is a bad idea. He needs to know why you have left (and I think you can't accuse him directly of having an affair, as he'll probably just say he isn't, whatever the truth might be. It could be anything from emotional to sexual).

I have been on both sides of this, and you need to make it clear to him that your actions are a direct consequence of his behaviour, and are not because you 'need a break'. In time, you might be able to unravel why he got involved with someone else and work your way through this - if, that is, is what you want to do. I do know people who have come back from similar and even worse (though XH and I didn't).

Op
Please stop being so passive.

If you don't tell him straight it tells him you need a break and he can carry in doing whatever he's doing because he won't think that's why you've left. ( he sounds like an idiot who will lie to himself u til you spell it out!)

You must tell him. Be brave. Say the words, even if it's by text. Judge the response.
If he goes quiet you know what's going on and you know he's just too cowardly to make the first moves to separate.

I told him why I left over text as suggested by commenters, but he left me on read

I can understand this as he's probably thinking about it all but I'll let everyone know what he's said if he ever responds

I went on find my iPhone myself to find out if I can see where he's previously been but I can't seem to find a way to - I hope he doesn't get alerted that I've been on his Apple ID

@Lemon30 you've just sent a text saying you're potentially LEAVING him.... and you're worry is that he may see you've tried to acces his Apple ID?

I honestly feel so bad for you and I mean this l in a supportive way (maybe a bit of being cruel to be kind...) but... Your thread is becoming incredibly frustrating to read. You both don't seem to be taking the enormity of this situation seriously, it's more how I would act aged 16 if my boyfriend and I had a lovers tiff.

Your and your husbands attitudes just seems so so strange to me.

The moment my husband asked if he was going for lunch with another woman I would need to feel 100% happy this was a platonic friend and comfortable with him going. If I said I wasn't my husband would respect this and wouldn't go.

If said lunch date went ahead, the moment he arranged another one the following Saturday (and regular ones there after) I would go crazy. Batshit crazy. No fucking way mr piss taker, I am not your babysitter I am your WIFE. You chose to have these children, you need to get to know them and pull your weight helping to look after them to give ME a helping hand.

If I accused my DH of an affair of any kind and left with the children, he would be round banging on the door trying to sort things out. Not playing childish phone games 'leaving me on read' and left wondering if he will ever respond.

@ginpink

I allowed my husband to go to lunch with this friend as he had/has allot on his plate as he has to work four days a week to support the family but I didn't think he'd be going every Saturday.

He'd ask to go to lunch with this woman and I'd let him for the first three weeks or so but after that he just stopped asking and continued with it probably assuming I was fine with the weekend meetups.

I did come to the realisation that it was a bit inappropriate because they regularly meet but I let it happen as I realised he must really like her (I didn't think anything but a close friend of this) to be spending so much time with her.

I didn't bring it up for a while even though I knew he was taking away from family time because they'd formed a bond and I just wanted him to be happy and stress free. Their bond seems to have gotten stronger as when I did eventually confront him he said she's just a close friend and got angry.

I don't think my husband knows where I am right now so he can't exactly come banging on the door, and even if he did he can probably tell my head is in a mess right now so it would be unthoughtful to.

I don't think it's childish to not know what to say in response to me leaving with the kids? If my husband did that I wouldn't know what to say either? These things take allot of time to think about.

It sounds like you are thinking of returning to your home, why?

Having to work four days a week to support a family is no massive ask.

Thing is OP I read that he works 4 days a week and I think 'lucky bastard'. My DH works many 6 day weeks. On his day off he spends time with his family - occasionally a night out with the boys but he fires on his children. He appreciates how hard it is for me to be a SAHM.

If I left he would at least try and see if I'm at my mums house!!

Things like 'don't leave' 'I love you and I love my kids please don't take them away' don't take much thinking about. It would destroy my DH if I removed our kids from the family home.

I think I must just be a very different person to you, I feel for you but will probably leave the thread as I don't think you will like or benefit from my opinion. I hope it gets sorted for you though.

• dotes on his children

Did it not cross your mind that in allowing all this ‘bonding’ time that you were enabling an emotional &/or physical affair to develop?

Don’t you think he has figured out that you are at your mother’s home?

@weenurse

people have commented saying that if I stay away from the family home for too long husband could use it against me in court?