Am I being unreasonable/bridezilla?

[on123]

Hi all just would appreciate a second opinion.

My wonderful partner proposed perfectly with the most perfect ring and we set the date for next July 2020 as we never wanted a long enegament period.

We initially, when we had no idea about the real costs of a wedding said we would only spend £5k as neither of us wanted any debt etc from the wedding.

I have spent hours and hours scrutinising every part of our budget and getting the lowest quotes and prices for every single element. Our list is JUST the essentials there is nothing extravagant on there - the only thing being a videographer which I really want as I would love for our children to be able to watch it back.

After hours and weeks and months of work and doing everything I can I cannot get the budget down below £7k.

I always wanted a tee pee wedding, with my favourite local band and a honey moon to Canada. I’ve put all of those beside me to save the budget and feel like I have sacrificed everything I ever wanted wedding / honey moon wise to try and make this achievable.

The main thing is, we CAN afford to spend up to £8k and we would still have no debt, plenty of other savings etc everything covered and I’ve even put this in spreadsheets and showed it to my partner but he just keeps saying no we said £5k - he is now asking if we can cut anything else out and can I scrap the photographer and videographer and can we have a honeymoon in Sweden because flights are only £60.

I feel totally upset and like I don’t even want to look forward to it anymore or plan. I’ve never wanted to spend a load or be extravagant but I’ve litrally got rid of every dream and still he wants to keep cutting, itl end up being a cheap and horrible wedding that will have just been so much about scrutinising prices instead of enjoying the planning and having a few nice elements.

Am I being a bridezilla??

I know all my sisters and friends spent at least £30k on their weddings alone. I cannot get it any lower than I already have!!

Re: weekdays - if the date is July then shift it towards the end of the month and teachers will be off. (I am one...)

OP - have you looked at hiring less obvious venues? We found a pub with lots of land that had it's own marquee and bar. Cost £150 for the hire so we didn't need to worry about tables, chairs, staff, plates, cutlery etc. We paid £10 a head for a hog roast plus we could provide our own puddings! If you could find something similar it would save you a fair bit of your budget!

I really don't see the need to save money here. The budget was agreed before research and the reality of the costs were different. They can afford it. Maybe a £6k can be a compromise if the future husband agrees. How many times in our lives we decide to use a certain amount on something but realise that it's not enough to get us what we want? Yes, there are million cheaper routes but getting a day neither envisions is not really a good way to spend money. Has the guy actually said that he wants a wedding? Is he happy to have a party? Maybe that is the issue here. If he does want a wedding then he should start doing the leg work since he seems to not understand the costs and he can contact other venues and ask for quotes.

Recouping your money back by selling drinks feels cheeky. Just let them bring their own if you aren't going to like any normal party. Given you will already be married and this is just for show, I'd keep it as cheap as possible for your guests.

Your photo and video costs could be heavily reduced given the actual wedding and vows are days before. Not sure why you would want to pay that much to film a party.

From your other posts I can see that you and your partner were having trouble as late as October 2018 related to his new stressful job, stresses over being a breadwinner (that he perhaps puts on himself more than is necessary) and him taking that stress out on you.

I also note that you’re just 22/23, have two small kids and moved house very recently.

I would say that it seems you both have a lot going on and planning/ paying for a wedding is one of the most stressful things a couple can do at any time.

I can’t tell from what’s written if he is being unreasonable but maybe you do need to consider if his concern over the budget comes from his stress about providing for the family. I would talk to him about this without putting any pressure on him.

Where does the money come from by the way? Is it his savings/ yours/ still to be saved? As I note that you work part time, were a student as late as 2017 and have two kids in childcare, so the actual cost may be an issue.

If no deposits etc have been paid I wonder if you would be best perhaps getting married just you two and having the big party when you have saved the money/ are more stable financially and emotionally. Don’t sink the ship for a ha’p’orth of tar! Focus on what’s important which is you two and your daughters, not a big fancy wedding.

I think it’s not that he doesn’t want the wedding or that he doesn’t love you, just that neither of you need the stress of a £6-7-8k wedding right now and not considering that does perhaps make you a bit of bridezilla!

Your DP is being controlling. You can afford a 7K wedding without borrowing. 7K is not all that much for a wedding, especially when you can afford it.

Not having bridesmaids because it will put the budget beyond 5K is ridiculous, it will be a joyless event.

Is your DP frugal with everything? Is he the type of person not to eat lunch out on occasion/go away for the weekend/buy a piece of furniture because he decides for you that the money would be better spent on being added to an already healthy amount of savings.

What will the bridesmaids and pageboys actually be doing at the party? The wedding was the day before. I don't understand what will be happening at the party. Is it a re-staging of the previous days events with a celebrant acting the part? WHat will the videographer actually be videoing thats is a wedding? It seems to me you're going to have a video of a party which is more important to you than the actual marriage ceremony.Is the videographer hired over 2 days, and that's why it's so expensive?

planning/ paying for a wedding is one of the most stressful things a couple can do at any time

Really? Has anything that actually matters ever happened to you? Losing your job, a child, a parent, an eye maybe. But planning a glorified party. Get perspective.

I also note that you’re just 22/23, have two small kids and moved house very recently.*

This does change things. I thought you must be early 30's.
With a fair bit of savings behind you.

Planning a wedding is very stressful so there is no getting away from it.

My lay back sister was more or less given s blank cheque by my dad but it even got to her accusing poor dad of not being interested - we can laugh now.

But my son is 23 and a good lad but I can assure you that the money will be a big deal.
And if he's got work pressures his bucket will be quite full.

This is no one way controlling.
He's already agreed to 5 grand.

Money is a big deal for a 23 yr old male and being able to provide for your family.

You could have a lovely wedding at a local pub / small hotel and still get that lovely honeymoon in Canada.

I have a daughter so I've been researching a bit. I'd been aiming for classy but understated and then a fabulous honeymoon.

And I'd still go for a live band.
I'd find some student talents waiting for a break.
They'd probably do it just to break even.

Your 2 little girls as brides maids is the icing on the cake.

Why don't you pay the extra? How about something like he pays 3k, you pay 4k. That seems fair if you really want things like a videographer and he doesn't. For my wedding we paid seperately for things like outfits, bm/gm outfits. So I paid more as my dress cost than his suit hire, and I had 2 bridesmaids to his 1 groomsman.

Also factor in gifts. If 50 people are coming you could factor in 1k of cash gifts easily.

Gifts - we had 25 people come. The people we know are not poor.

There were not £500's worth of gifts, cash or otherwise.

Maybe we know the wrong people

Tangent here. If you want live music pay for it. Obviously a well known band will charge more than one starting out. But musicians/ singers deserve payment like everybody else. And often are screwed over.

As you were.

The best wedding I ever went to was a couple of years ago, great friends booked a venue that was an old town hall, one big room for the ceremony and the mayors parlour for the actual wedding. The actual wedding was in the afternoon for around 50 people followed by a sandwich, cream tea mid afternoon high tea, speeches and a cake (home made) I was a bridesmaid, friend just asked 6 of us to wear a flowery dress of our choice she made dried flower bouquets with a small wooden heart dangling from them and a larger one for herself, she wore a very bohemian type dress and a huge wreath of flowers in her hair to match the bouquets, all bought off e bay, we had a great day the week before the wedding sipping wine and putting them all together. the venue she decorated with home made bunting, cut out with crimping scissors and sewn together in garlands, we put flowers in jam jars and the place looked lovely, again it was fun the day before getting together to dress it all up with ribbons and dried flowers and wooden hearts. the evening she hired a food 'caravan' that sat outside the venue and a bar with a budget for drinks, once the 'kitty' was spent people bought there own, she had wine on the table they bought at aldi and a ceilidh band then a disco, all in all it was a fab day / night, very unique to them and so different to the usual 'white wedding' people talked about it for ages after. It did cost them but not thousands of pounds, so why not look at what you could do to make it more unique to you, do away with the tradition, keep your video guy but round up friends and family to make it special and personalised.

But musicians/ singers deserve payment like everybody else. And often are screwed over.
Yes. Totally agreed. Sorry meant to put a band starting out would do it cheap but I would ensure they were adequate paid - it's only fair.

Has op disappeared ?

NRTWT but my first thought was, he pays £2.5k and you pay the rest to get what you want.

However, his complete refusal to discuss or compromise would have me seriously reconsidering the marriage. Its not about money or weddings or anything else, but about his attitude.

I wouldnt be marrying a man who refused to even consider compromising on this, and I think that if you are honest with yourself, this is a common theme. How often do you back down in the face of his intractability?

ANother thought....if you both agree to spend £50k on a house and then realised that actually houses in your area cost £250k, would he say "No, we agreed £50k"? Or would he accept that you had both underestimated and adjust his expectations accordingly?

@PyongyangKipperbang they would obviously move to rural Wales. You got to stick to the budget!

Gifts - we had 25 people come. The people we know are not poor. There were not £500's worth of gifts, cash or otherwise.

Fair enough, but I was thinking parents may give £100 per couple. Then if the remaining 46 give on average £15 each, that will be £1000. Of course no one has to give a gift, but most people do give at least £10-20.

Tell people you don’t want presents just bring their own booze.
You know - while you can make it cheap if you want a certain day it’s sad your hubby to be won’t grant you this. I’m sorry but that would be an issue for me - are agreeing finances always going to be a battle?

Do you live in the SE? You can get very cheap booze from Calais. If you drive your own vehicle over you can stock up at Calais Wine Warehouse or Majestic Wine. They will pay for the Eurotunnel if you spend a certain amount.

We saved loads doing this. We bought an excellent Chilean Red for £3 a bottle and NZ Sav Blanc for £4 a bottle. Also bought bottles of Budvar Pilsner and Chelsea Blonde craft beer for cheap.

They weren't great for sparkling wine, but we bought Aldi prosseco which I think was £5 a bottle and it was great.