Am I being unreasonable/bridezilla?

[on123]

Hi all just would appreciate a second opinion.

My wonderful partner proposed perfectly with the most perfect ring and we set the date for next July 2020 as we never wanted a long enegament period.

We initially, when we had no idea about the real costs of a wedding said we would only spend £5k as neither of us wanted any debt etc from the wedding.

I have spent hours and hours scrutinising every part of our budget and getting the lowest quotes and prices for every single element. Our list is JUST the essentials there is nothing extravagant on there - the only thing being a videographer which I really want as I would love for our children to be able to watch it back.

After hours and weeks and months of work and doing everything I can I cannot get the budget down below £7k.

I always wanted a tee pee wedding, with my favourite local band and a honey moon to Canada. I’ve put all of those beside me to save the budget and feel like I have sacrificed everything I ever wanted wedding / honey moon wise to try and make this achievable.

The main thing is, we CAN afford to spend up to £8k and we would still have no debt, plenty of other savings etc everything covered and I’ve even put this in spreadsheets and showed it to my partner but he just keeps saying no we said £5k - he is now asking if we can cut anything else out and can I scrap the photographer and videographer and can we have a honeymoon in Sweden because flights are only £60.

I feel totally upset and like I don’t even want to look forward to it anymore or plan. I’ve never wanted to spend a load or be extravagant but I’ve litrally got rid of every dream and still he wants to keep cutting, itl end up being a cheap and horrible wedding that will have just been so much about scrutinising prices instead of enjoying the planning and having a few nice elements.

Am I being a bridezilla??

I know all my sisters and friends spent at least £30k on their weddings alone. I cannot get it any lower than I already have!!

Videographer is a waste of money though

It's normal to change budgets in things when you look into it more e.g. buying a new car, holiday etc. £2k is not that much in the world of weddings when you can afford it. However your issue is convincing your OH. He is also entitled to his view of spending less

A few thoughts:
Byob for the evening. Might not be the vibe you want though. Hiring a bar would be good. Not sure on the legalities of selling your own alcohol.
Cut the suits! Get him to make some compromises too
This is mercenary and probably won't go down well, but consider the gifts you will receive. If you are having 100 guests and they each gave £20, you have your £2k. Possibly you could ask for honeymoon contributions or even ask close family to contribute towards the wedding instead of a gift e.g. my parents were happy to pay for a photographer as they felt it was important.

I personally don't think honeymoon and rings should be included in the same way (as long as you can afford it). One is just a nice holiday and the other is permanent thing.

You sound very switched on and organised so good luck!

I dont think a video is a waste of money, they film things that the bride might miss, like the groom arriving etc.
It is something nice to watch on the anniversary, even to laugh at it, and it is lovely to have as a souvenir.

To be honest I think the wedding itself is not the main issue. You have planned everything, none of it is what you would really like, and still it sounds like you are not "allowed". Why? It is joint income and you can afford it. Tell your fiancé fine, he can plan his version for under 5k and then you can compare budgets and see where you have gone so wrong.

My only regret is not having a videographer at our wedding. So what if no one else in the world wants to watch it? You will want to! The day goes by so fast that its hard to remember all the detail, speaches, first dance... and obviously with time your memories fade. I have a dvd with snips from other people's recordings of the day on along with photos and 6 years later I still love watching it xx

I'm not married, but if you are organising an event that is a disappointment to you, why do it? If you've cut out everything you want and budget is still not working, I'd try to start again.

What do you want, why do you want that? What's the alternatives? In previous posts hall hire has been mentioned - if that's less than the 2k for marquee and toilet hire, then there's a saving. But if the thought of a hall sends shudders down your spine, it's not worth it.

What are your must haves?

OP. Pay your money and take your choice.
Get married in a registry office and a great party in a garden somewhere.
You are a bridezilla IMHO.
Are you trying to show wealth or love?

I actually agree with you that if you are having to compromise to the extent you are basically having nothing that you want you would be better not to go ahead than to try to compromise further. It would be awful to spend £7k and be disappointed on the day.
Your DH attitude would worry me a little. It’s all very well him saying no to going over the budget but what are his suggestions to bring costs down? I couldn’t spend my life with someone who was all problems and no solutions.

feel totally upset and like I don’t even want to look forward to it anymore or plan.

Read this back.

Of course you’re being a bridezilla. I’d be pretty concerned in his shoes at you acting like this. You BOTH decided on a budget of £5k. You were BOTH in agreement, so if either of you want to go beyond that it has to be something you both agree to. You’ve suggested it, he’s said he wants to stick with the original budget (which he’s absolutely entitled to!) and now you’re throwing a strop claiming you don’t even feel like looking forward to it anymore

You really do need to think carefully here about what’s important OP. You are so focused on winning the battle you’ll end up losing the war.

I would echo other PP who have suggested that actually, having the wedding in a hotel may end up cheaper...and a much more pleasant experience to plan.

You wouldn't have to pay / think about toilets and marquees and tables and chairs and cutlery and staff etc etc etc...nor the cleaning up of everything the next day! Having a hotel wedding takes all the stress out of things, let them organise it for you. I have seen packages for under 5k for 60 guests.

Perhaps you should look further afield for hotels?

To be fair I think he's being unreasonable
7k is not a lot of money to spend in a wedding these days. My son got married in July and ours cost 9k without being extravagant.
Why don't you wait a bit longer OP and save some more mo eh towards the wedding that you really want.
Or... ask your fiancée to sit down and see if he can ski any cheaper
Good luck

Food catering vans are very expensive for those saying to use them.
Do you know anyone who could do a nice buffet for you.
We also saved money by ordering plain white wedding cakes from M&S then a friend decorated them. They were gorgeous.

Oh gosh i feel for you, its such a ball ache organising the logistics, we had a tight budget also 3k and it does suck the joy out of you when every thing wedding related is mega bucks. Personally id ditch the videographer. Id cut bridesmaids but if important to you just pick 1 and go high street shopping for dress. Bought my wedding dress from monsoon wedding collection cost 150 and it was quality made, had a dressmaker alter it to fit me. Bridesmaids dresses are also lovely. It depends on ur style and theme of wedding. Dont need pageboys. If you cant forgo any of these things, dont go to anywhere wedding related cos they stick ££ on. Look on high street, internet, e bay was my friend, amazon etc Flowers are super pricey, bought special flowers ie buttonhole and bouquet all other flowers were dressed up supermarket flowers and no one noticed. Bought rings on line, from specialist didnt cost 300. No way is oh suit 400 he needs to shop round my dh is super tall and we went to specialist shop suit waistcoat etc not400. Got married in a castle in one of the rooms, had the beautiful photos, went to the tea rooms on site and they let me rent a room upstairs,they did the food, had a vintage tea very low key and relaxed which was us, then we went home and party in local for evening. It lashed with rain all day and we had a blast, best day ever people were late, cars broke down. What im trying to say what you think is important now is immaterial on the day and some bits i thought what a waste of money. You will enjoy it regardless.

How is 18 months not a long engagement any more??

You can cut back and I think you also need to take on board that 5k maybe a big budget for him.

• Not have real flowers

• Make a lot at home (invites, place settings)

• Doing your own makeup

• Hiring a student or new business for photos
• Couple of unisex, single portaloos instead of fixed male and ladies ones

• Honeymoon for a short time (we did a city break as DH only had 3 days of work, self employed)

You'll get mixed responses here.
7k seems very reasonable for a wedding and not bridezilla-ish at all. Everyone will have different opinions/values/beliefs on this. But what is important to you IS important and I don't think you're being extravagant.
For the record, I've never married despite having children, but if I did, I'd like a nice a little wedding too.
What struck ne about your post however is that you're doing all the legwork whilst DP days "no, yes, no" as if he's your boss. He needs to be proactively organising this wedding with you. Maybe that way he might appreciate how much these bloody things cost!

YY

What exactly has your DP contributed to the planning of this wedding?

How is that possibly costing £7k?? A breakdown on what exactly costs what to equate to £7k would be useful so people can offer advice.

The other thing to keep in mind with doing it in a field with a marquee and toilets etc is the stress of it all in the days leading upto the wedding. We started off down the same route but our first venue fell through so we had to look for another. The venue we chose came with a wedding planner which at the time we thought was mad and that we didn't need her at all! But we couldn't have been more wrong!

There are loads of things to think of that we didn't realise, such as a generator for electricity to the field, then hiding the cables so people wouldn't trip, how much space do the band need, how many plugs, what time will the food arrive, who will greet the caterer and tell them where to go, you certainly don't want them coming to find YOU to ask where to put the bbq! Who's gonna clear up after the food?

These are just examples and might not apply to you, but it was definitely a bit of a shock to us all the things we hadn't thought of. Plus, it really took the pressure off on the day. I'm not suggesting you add a wedding planner to your budget (!) but maybe consider a venue as it will be a lot less stressful. xx

It's the venue that's costing all the money. Find a venue with its own booze, bar, staff and bloody toilets!! It will be so much cheaper and less stressful too.

Don't scrimp on the other things if that's important to you. £5k is not a lot for a wedding and an extra 2k is nothing in the grand scheme of things. It's your wedding too and it'd be so sad to look back with regrets.

What struck me about your post however is that you're doing all the legwork whilst DP says "no, yes, no" as if he's your boss.

This ^^^ . And the whole aibu bit, because it's really not about that. It sounds like you've taken on organising the wedding and his role is decision sign off and budget approval. No one can tell you if you are being unreasonable re the finances because it's up to you both to agree on what you want ( for yourself and for each other) at your wedding and what you are happy to cut. If either person is just thinking about themselves, then thats not a good start no matter how much or how little you spend.

My best friend got married 22 years ago, and hers cost £4k, like you hired loos & marquee in a field.
Where she made savings was the food, they had the wedding at 4pm, so served afternoon tea - sandwiches and small cakes, all home made followed by strawberries & cream or apple pie & cream, and a finger buffet was brought out in the evening nothing fancy just sausage rolls, vol au vents, cocktail sausages that kind of thing - I and a group of 6-8 friends helped in the run up, we made stuff and froze it or it went in the fridges - all freezers and fridges were secondhand max budget £50, these days with Facebook I'd think you could get them for free. She hired 6 students to serve the food, man the bar etc. they cost £50 each and they stayed and cleared everything away afterwards (they had over 200 guests + kids).
Luckily her OH is a qualified electrician so ran a separate correctly fused power supply down to the stables where the bar was to provide lighting for the bar outside area and marquee. The florist was one of her husbands friends: that was her wedding present. The tables and marquee were hired but for a smaller affair the local scouts do a cheap marquee hire with tables and chairs about 1/10th the cost. China/cutlery was collected from the closing hour of car boot sales - you go along and anyone with any china left you offered 50p for the lot and we got heaps for a total of about £25, far more than was needed, afterwards we sold it on to another wedding couple for about £50! Tablecloths were cheap fabric from a cheap fabric shop at about £1 a metre. Bunting was made by another friend from masses of free remnants from a soft furnishing lady she knew. Table decorations were done by the florist friend but essentially were a large church candle (bought from the church who clearly bought in bulk!) in a terracota flower pot (rummaged from her Dad's potting shed) surrounded by oasis in which was put a selection of flowers matching the bride's flowers. Transport was another friend & brother who had a couple of posh old cars. Glasses were borrowed for free from Waitrose.
She made her dress so that saved a fortune (total £75)
I'd say the key thing is to have a group of supporting friends who can come up trumps with things to offer in terms of what you need, plus help in the run up to the day, and to prepare the venue. Students are easily hired in to help on the day.

Just had a close look at your budget and I'd definitely contact your local scout groups, see if they've a marquee for hire. Our local one does a 20 x 20 for £175 - you can hire two if needed, they do table and chair hire for £50. It all raises funds for the scout group.

Marque inc floor chairs and tables £1,400 inc vat ( cheapest anywhere I can find round here!)
Toilets £600 inc vat

That's a total of £2,000.

Honestly, find a local village hall/room, where toilets, tables chairs etc, will be included and it will cost you about £300!

I do think also that your fiance should compromise a bit, it shouldn't be all on his terms. Do Not give up the videographer or photographer. Dh and I had a small wedding and my only regret is not having professional photos/video of our day.

Sorry I forgot to put the toilets at £600, on the above post.