Am I being unreasonable/bridezilla?

[on123]

Hi all just would appreciate a second opinion.

My wonderful partner proposed perfectly with the most perfect ring and we set the date for next July 2020 as we never wanted a long enegament period.

We initially, when we had no idea about the real costs of a wedding said we would only spend £5k as neither of us wanted any debt etc from the wedding.

I have spent hours and hours scrutinising every part of our budget and getting the lowest quotes and prices for every single element. Our list is JUST the essentials there is nothing extravagant on there - the only thing being a videographer which I really want as I would love for our children to be able to watch it back.

After hours and weeks and months of work and doing everything I can I cannot get the budget down below £7k.

I always wanted a tee pee wedding, with my favourite local band and a honey moon to Canada. I’ve put all of those beside me to save the budget and feel like I have sacrificed everything I ever wanted wedding / honey moon wise to try and make this achievable.

The main thing is, we CAN afford to spend up to £8k and we would still have no debt, plenty of other savings etc everything covered and I’ve even put this in spreadsheets and showed it to my partner but he just keeps saying no we said £5k - he is now asking if we can cut anything else out and can I scrap the photographer and videographer and can we have a honeymoon in Sweden because flights are only £60.

I feel totally upset and like I don’t even want to look forward to it anymore or plan. I’ve never wanted to spend a load or be extravagant but I’ve litrally got rid of every dream and still he wants to keep cutting, itl end up being a cheap and horrible wedding that will have just been so much about scrutinising prices instead of enjoying the planning and having a few nice elements.

Am I being a bridezilla??

I know all my sisters and friends spent at least £30k on their weddings alone. I cannot get it any lower than I already have!!

Speakers £60
Lights £48
Mic £30 - for what, just let them speak louder
Food £1k
Bridesmades £300 - not necessary, just let them wear their own best dress
Flower girls £200 - not necessary
Page boys £80 - not necessary
Flowers £200 - just do your own bouquet, nobody cares about the rest
Suits £400 ( joes price)
Rings £300
Toilets £600 inc vat
Licence £21
Bar and staff hire £500
Alcohol up front cost £1k
Decor £100
Make up £50
Hair £10
Registry office £250
Photographer £350
Videographer £700 - nobody is interested in your wedding video, especially not your future children
Marque inc floor chairs and tables £1,400 inc vat ( cheapest anywhere I can find round here!)
Drinks on arrival and wine on table £300

1510 saved just there

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. If it was a case of going into debt for it then fair enough, but you've got the money there and plenty to spare. If it means so much to you I think you're fiance should grant it, or at least compromise and reach a middle ground.

Speak to a bar near you, if they provide the drink and the bar and the staff, most charge £100 all in.
Village Hall and you can lose the £600 on toilets and the lighting....
Disco, ask the local person, who does them, bet will be same, but you get them doing it all for you.

He's NBU, but YANBU either. And who cares whether other people think that is too much or not enough money to spend on a wedding - these are things that YOU want and care about.

You both have a right to what you want. But HE'S not budging, at all, even though you have already compromised a lot. Are you really, truly okay with that? Because I'd say this is a very strong indication on what he is going to be like for the rest of your marriage - and it sounds miserable.

A third of your budget is alcohol..... why can't you have a pay bar? Band will bring their own sound gear surely?

Bar and staff hire? Really? Get some local students in.

Show him the list and discuss it. Ask him to point to the items he wants to cut.

The problem is not the budget, it is that your husband is expecting you to magically organise a wedding that costs more than the figure he has fixed in his head. Its not possible. If it was, then everyones wedding would cost 5k.

So: you either lie and say it all costs 5k, or show your list to him so that he can accept reality.

(You could leave the honeymoon out of the discussion and go on 'holiday' during the summer to Canada together instead)

7K isn't that bad given the ever changing economy. By the way, tell your fiancè Sweden isn't cheap for whatever purpose.
I hope you get this budget thing sorted and well done for all your effort OP.

£50 on make-up? Just do your own make-up and use products you already have, or buy them bit by bit over months and don't include them in the budget.

Agree with others about the bar - usually they charge a small sum, provide all the staff and glasses etc and take their profit from the sale of the drinks.

You aren't saving any money by having it in a marquee in a field. Much cheaper to hire a hall or community centre, and all the facilities will be there already. The marquee and the toilets is costing you £2 grand, that's 40% of your entire budget gone. A big hall would cost you a couple of hundred at the most.

And £1,000 for a hog roast. That seems rather a lot.

Honestly a paid bar at a pub would be a better wedding for guests, than buy your own in a posh tent.

Given you are actually getting married in the registry office days before, it's not a wedding but just a party. I'd dispense with most of the list given it's all for show and not needed as you'll already be married. Why video a "fake" wedding. I can see why your DP thinks it should be much cheaper.

Ditch the videographer, who sits and watches themselves get married? A photographer is enough, and you have fab deal. Nice one on the haggling.

This sounds mean but remember ye will get wedding gifts of money so probably will only end up being 5000 down.
Also, as said pay for hair and makeup out of your usual budget not wedding budget.
Could do thatt with other bits and pieces too eg table decor.

Hi OP,

I got married recently and experienced similar issues- v low budget and trying so hard to lose any non-essentials and keep it simple but it nevertheless kept coming in over budget!! So I feel your pain. Fir what it's worth I think the field sounds lovely!

Here is my advice from my recent experience:

I think explodingkittens has made some good suggestions on where to save.
Additionally, I would suggest doing your own makeup. I went to Bobbi Brown to have a couple of free bridal tutorials and then did it myself. It was so much nicer and I felt more chilled doing it the way I felt comfortable. Not a huge expense but worth the saving.

Also, this is controversial, but for me it was the best decision. We decided to get "starter" rings. So we bought nice silver rings from a small jeweller (artisan type place) which cost £15 each, and we intend to "upgrade" on a future wedding anniversary- we are aiming for the 5th! It didn't feel unromantic at all, quite the contrary, and one of our friends suggested we give the starter rings to our kids, which would be lovely.

I would say, in all honesty, the videographer is a bad idea. It is so costly and unnecessary in this day and age. Cameras on iPhones are such good quality and no-one really watches the video again. It's a waste of a substantial part of your budget. You could ask a friend to film a few key bits, or if you really can't live without it you could find a local film / art student and offer them a small fee (£150?) plus food in return for videoing and editing. But that is only if you're convinced you need it and I really don't think you do.

Drinks- make sure to get it all from Lidl.

Timings, stick to an evening wedding so that you save on the amount of alcohol consumed.

In addition to exploding kittens suggestions you would be saving about £2.5k here, at least.

Also, your engagement is pretty long, and you have 18 months in which to save / earn some extra to afford your Canada honeymoon. Believe me, that is the thing you'll wish you'd spent the money on.

Finally, I do think your DP sounds a bit unreasonable. The average wedding spend is something like £27k so you are doing really well!

Do your parents have a barn? Guests could sit on hay bales.

How many people are you feeding and giving drink to for 2k? Seems an awful lot of money for food and drink.

would you watch your parents wedding video?
DD loves watching ours.

I would've loved to have seen my parents wedding when I was little, but what swung the videographer for me was posters on here saying it was nice watching it back years later and seeing loved ones who'd passed on enjoying themselves at a happy occasion. They're definitely a luxury but I wouldn't say they're a waste of money.

I went to a lovely wedding last year in a village hall. Cost the couple about £150 to hire for the day.

I enjoyed watching my parents wedding video and our wedding video is hilarious, really funny stuff happened that I didn’t see at the time and I love getting to watch it on the video :) quite a few people wanted to see it too so watched it ourselves then had 3 different video watching events. I’d say it’s worth it.

Not rtft but do you need to include honeymoon in your budget? Why not do the wedding and then save for the honeymoon after? We had ours 6 months later when we were able to save a bit more. Preferable to compromising.

OP, we’re getting married in a marquee in a parent’s field, and our spreadsheet currently stands at £22,000 including honeymoon - and we’re not having a videographer. If you can afford to go up without getting into debt why not.

I think where this is going wrong for you is your thinking that by using your parent's field you're saving money. A venue would have toilets, lights, staff, booze, dance floors etc. You're not even getting married at your wedding, you'll already be married! A field can be a lovely wedding if you throw 50k at it, it could piss down on the day. Get married at your registry office, hire a venue for the party after and put cash behind the bar for a part free bar. See if you can get a venue your band can play in. Lodge it all off and go for dinner with your close friends and family after the registry and go to Canada. A wedding is one day- you/ DH could come down with a bad cold 2 days before, you could have a few guests cancel on the day, there could be the worst weather for 100 years. Your marriage will be the same one.

Do you really need all those bridesmaids, flower girls and page boys? That's a huge chunk of your budget.

Using a field definitely doesn’t save money. We’d be spending way less doing the same thing in a village hall.

Second the village hall suggestion, this is what we did as a marquee was expensive. Our wedding ran for 8 hours at the venue with beer, wine and soft drinks and the total cost came to £8 a head for drink (we bought some on the 25% deal at supermarkets and some on sale and return from a wine merchant).

We did a bbq - we paid for proper crockery but the caterers would have done it for less without (and provided disposable) and hired glasses for free from waitrose.

We did pay for some extras but they weren't essential (ie chair covers/live band).

Bought the flowers from a wholesaler and did our own.

We had an amazing day with loads of food and free bar but did need help from friends and family.

I wish people would stop saying village hall. Ewww

YANBU at all and I don't like your DPs attitude.