Would you like your husband to do these things?

[ApplesAndPearsStairs]

I'm having some serious relationship problems with DH and am rereading Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. It's a book that has divided opinion and I think it's old fashioned in places. But generally it seems good to me.

There's a section called 101 ways to score with a woman. They're basically things that a man can do to make the woman feel good/happy. There is a separate and quite different type of list for women.

Anyway, I looked at the list of 101 items and realised that my husband does 17 of these. Probably only 95/101 are relevant to me but that's still a lot missing.

So my questions to you are:

1. Would you like it if your husband did these things?
2. Do you have that kind of relationship already?

I'm just wondering if this is an unrealistic expectation.

Thanks

I especially like 3, 4, and 9!

If I said No. 4 to DH he would think I was taking the piss (which I would be). I mean where's the sense of humour and familiarity. It's like something you'd say to an acquaintance.

The men’s list is all ‘here are things to do’. The women’s list is ‘here are ways to make sure he doesn’t have to do things.’

spot on.

That list has me feeling suffocated just reading it.

My DH does most if not all of this, except for the fireplace thing, but we live in the desert, so.... I don't think he's read the book, I'll have to ask him. It's possible, because we did meet at a bookstore when we met. However, I think the reason DH is like this is because of his mother who was a single parent. His older brother dotes on his wife too and his sister had a very loving relationship with her late DH.
It may seem a little old fashioned, but we're old fashioned and I love getting numerous hugs and cuddles all day! We also say I love you every day, because you never know what life may bring. And saying it often doesn't take away from it's meaning like my toxic ex used to think!

So, OP, I'd show it to him, wouldn't hurt! Good luck!

The woman's list suggests that the author is a useless idiot who can't take any criticism.

He keeps making mistakes, he is crap at sex, he gets lost when driving etc etc.

Oh that women's list if awful.

It is really emotionally manipulative.

Been with DH 20years and he does most of these,... Most important for me is, where ever we are he will always find me first to give me a cuddle, no matter where we are, when we have been apart.. I love that.

If say my partner does most of those things which now makes me feel guilty that I moan about him so much.
It is super old fashioned though - I don’t wash his socks! And an offer to wash the dishes “occasionally” - gee thanks, excuse me while I drop my knickers.
I guess the stuff on this list is emotional awareness and “being there” for you, and believe that’s a bare minimum. I had forgotten about the martian rubber band thing though, I genuinely think it’s true. Need to remind myself of that sometimes and that if he’s being distant he’s not plotting to leave me!

I'm very envious of all you posters whose husbands are attentive and affectionate. I feel like I'm missing out.

I would actually find that level of attentiveness and affection a bit icky. I don't tend to be keen on overly attentive and chivalrous men - they either come across as unattractively old-fashioned or as if they are masking their real personality (and possibly misogyny). There have been plenty of women whose partners 'treated them like a princess' but turned out to be wrong 'uns. Dh and I have a more jokey, bantery kind of manner with each other tbh.

I have an issue with the saying 'Sorry you're feeling hurt'/'I'm sorry you feel like that'.

That's utter fucking bullshit, because that means 'I don't give a fuck about what I've done, the problem is you - you've decided to feel that way, which isn't my responsibility'.

What it should say is if somebody has upset their partner, they should say 'I am sorry I hurt you.' 'I am sorry that I didn't keep my promise', 'I'm sorry I didn't realise not buying you a birthday card was so hurtful'.

Male or female, it doesn't matter - fucking accept that your actions have consequences, rather than put it on them that it's their fault for being unhappy.

Just found others that would drive me crazy.

Staying silent. For fuck's sake, if I'm pissed about something, I'd want to know he's mentally there and I'm not doing the equivalent of the grown ups in a Peanuts cartoon.

Sharpen my knives? No fucking way. You leave my knives and my tools alone.

Superglue? Rather than fixing things properly? Fuck off.

Pack the car? How much stuff do you think you need? We'd hardly be going off to circumnavigate the world in a Renault Clio. And if we were, I'd want to have some input into what's packed where, rather than hope my Mooncup isn't still sitting on the bathroom shelf or squashed underneath five IKEA bags of shoes and a sweaty packed lunch.

Ask for permission to empty the bin? What? Take the fucking thing out instead of behaving like a ten year old.

Bring home pie? Piss off. Do the fucking shopping rather than chucking something at her in the hope she won't notice you need to be told it's OK to change the fucking lightbub when it blows.

Write a note on a birthday? Buy a fucking card and present and write the nice note inside the card. Much better than something scribbled on a Post-It because you CBA to plan in advance.

I have a suspicion that the OH was forced to read/expected to follow this shit when he was married, as some of the most irritating things he has ever done are in that 'advice'.

Some seem relevant and I'm glad my DP does them. Others a quite out of date and come from a position of housework being woman's work and I'm glad that my DP has a more enlightened view of the world.

Apples can you not say you need a hug or whatever?

For example, I don't drive so I appreciate it when DH drives us 3 hours to a holiday cottage or something and I say, thanks for getting us here safely See I did this for the last ten years or so. After we split up, the first thing I did was book a package holiday abroad for just me and the kids, with taxi transfers to the airport. It was absolutely fantastic

I'm lucky that we are very equal in our relationship! He rubs my feet - I scratch his back (he's like a bear and always wants a back scratch 😂) we cuddle all the time, say 'I love you' loads AND mean it, fall asleep cuddled up every night. Say sorry if we're wrong, share the cooking, dishes etc (only thing I insist on doing is the washing/ironing and cleaning - as he "does it wrong 😂)
That book seems very anti men! And puts a shit load of pressure on a relationship!

Anti men?? Are you on glue?

If anything it's preposterously pro poor wickle men who just can't help being shit at communicating and unable to recognise daily tasks which need doing without a wife to direct them.

Agree with @fairenuff

Nobody should need to be instructed via a book be considerate and responsible human being.

Mandering to me also extends to "it's just what men do" Like they're incapable of knowing how to act??

@ApplesAndPearsStairs my DH isn't affectionate or particularly demonstrative of care but he is a very good man.
I'll love him to be more affectionate but the affection goes mostly one way.
He is a great guy but I can't make him into something he is not.

Never read the booking nor have i ever had a list og things i require my dp to do, but going through it - most of it he actually does on the daily and the majority are recurring things he does.
He has never been told to do these things, I have never had to complain about him not doing these kinds of things, it's not forced, it's just naturally the way we interact with each other.
He is very Loving and attentive. He takes great pride in taking good care of me and showing he cares in anyway he can - as do I of him.
Now I will admit I have never had a relationship like the one we have - noone had ever come close. We have been together 5 years and it Only gets better with time. Looking at the people around me, I understand that the kind of relationship we have is very special and it kind og makes med sad for the people I love, because I would wish everyone could have a relationship like that.

So to answer your questions - yes I would like my dp to do most of those things (some are not really relevant) and yes I have that kind of relationship.
Now that doesn't mean he is perfect and neither am I, but together we come pretty close :)

Some of it seems weird. Some of it seems common sense. But fucking hell, if I could get anyone in this house to turn their socks the right way out before putting them in the wash, my marriage would definitely reach a god damn higher state of bliss.

Erm I don't want empathy when I tell my husband I have a problem!

I want him to solve it, dammit wave a magic wand or whatever

Fortunately most of the time he does (solve the problem I mean, not wave a wand )

My partner does majority of these things (he doesn't ask to take rubbish out, he just does it). This evening as he was working from home, I came home, dinner was ready and the log burner was warming the house.
He's amazing and I'm very lucky. Last weekend he wanted some time for himself so he paid for me to get my hair done. By the time I came home he'd done the washing, cleaned the house and taken the rubbish out.