Would you like your husband to do these things?

[ApplesAndPearsStairs]

I'm having some serious relationship problems with DH and am rereading Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. It's a book that has divided opinion and I think it's old fashioned in places. But generally it seems good to me.

There's a section called 101 ways to score with a woman. They're basically things that a man can do to make the woman feel good/happy. There is a separate and quite different type of list for women.

Anyway, I looked at the list of 101 items and realised that my husband does 17 of these. Probably only 95/101 are relevant to me but that's still a lot missing.

So my questions to you are:

1. Would you like it if your husband did these things?
2. Do you have that kind of relationship already?

I'm just wondering if this is an unrealistic expectation.

Thanks

I found that much-lauded book so irritating, I had to stop reading it. It seems to reinforce gender stereotypes, if nothing else; as far as I remember, it spoke of "man caves". I also disliked the book "Why men don't listen, why women can't read maps".

Number 49

I can hand on heart say that I never want my dh to take a photograph of me to a shop, tell them my size and ask them to help buy me an outfit.

Struggling to think of anything I would like him to do less!

@user1andonly haha!! That's so true actually 😂😂
I'd rather he just bought me a donut 🤷🏼‍♀️

As requested the list for 'how women can score big with men'! The previous list gives the man one point for each thing he does. This is different in that there are a range of points.

I read these when they first came out in about 1900 (ok, early ‘90s) and thought they were really good; the assumptions about gender norms (‘she cooks’/‘noticing men are lost emasculates them’) are laughably dated but believe me 30 years ago they were pretty standard stuff especially for middle aged and older folk. As someone who grew up in an all female world (all girl family, distant dad, girls convent school) etc there were some astonishing insights that I still think are true. EG if I tell DH about a problem I have he feels the need to fix it for me: its really hard for him to accept I am just sharing the load and am not asking him for help so I have to flag that up front before offloading. The one about flu and sex is funny too.

DH does pretty much all the things on here that are relevant to our relationship. I also do the point scoring stuff for him although not in the truly nauseating way it comes across in the book.

I find that women’s list v weird. It’s like a game!

Bluntness, yes I get that not everyone likes being hugged a lot etc. Luckily me and DH feel the same about all that. We are not touchy feely people at all. In fact I only like being hugged by DH or my parents. If someone else hugs me I literally stiffen like an ironing board.

Personally I think it's little thoughtful touches that mean the most. Although DH does tell me he loves me, he shows it in the things he does for me such as buying flowers or a little gift he knows I will like such as a book, cd, bar of chocolate.

He works, quite often long hours, and I don't work at all. He never expects me to do all the cooking and cleaning though and will quite often come home from work and say "my turn to cook" which I think is lovely.

Ok well that's just hilarious 😂

I think it's just about finding someone who's the right balance of things for you and vice versa.

From what I remember of '92, younger men were less mach than they were in '72, but still had a long way to go, so even in '92 most men would have benefitted from reading that and having a long hard think. Sadly, most men didn't read it.

There's a lot of men who would improve their relationships by reading that list and acting on it these days too. Unfortunately.

Though actually, I think those who will benefit most from reading it are women. Then, they will set the bar higher.

In fact, I think I'll get it for my dd.

That book is old and relationships and standards have changed hugely in the last ten years.
So where most people are saying the basic things should happen end of it was looked at in a different way.
Also I think most of the list is about engaging in conversation, being aware of what needs to get do and how to respect your partner.
Most relationships over time gain resentment because of the silly things such as not knowing your partners size or taking the bins out.

To the person who asked, I actually think I do all the things on the Woman to Man list! I'm sure DH would disagree on a couple of them but I'd say I'm 90% there.

So I'm guessing that's why he feels everything is alright between us and I don't!!

Slightly too many asking and offering to do things 'for her' on the list, generally to do with housekeeping and household maintenance. It puts the onus of responsibilty for getting chores done on to the little woman, and then she is supposed to be grateful if he offers to help out.

NO!!! You live there too - just take the initiative and do the damn thing, preferably without even mentioning it, and definitely without the expection of praise for doing something perfectly ordinary.

I do nothing on that womans list. Hide away to refresh your head and never show annoyance? Appreciate him for driving me places and getting me there safely? FFS

wow, that women's list is like some kind of abuser's handbook! Just be passive, wife!

I've been married for 30 years. What works for me:
My feelings are self sustain I don't need him to do anything to make me happy. My happiness is my responsibility.
If I want something I ask him. I don't wait for him to guess.
I am really loving. He is like a cat requires very little care and he isn't supper excited about cuddles. I give 90% of all affection and he lets me hug him, kiss him etc. I don't mind I just grab him and he has to struggle to scape 🤣
We are very happy together because we just understand each other.
We are very chilled and I accept that he is never going to be different. I'll like him to be affectionate but he isn't. He is a good listener.

The men’s list is all ‘here are things to do’. The women’s list is ‘here are ways to make sure he doesn’t have to do things.’

I don't think the woman's list is bad. For example, I don't drive so I appreciate it when DH drives us 3 hours to a holiday cottage or something and I say, thanks for getting us here safely.

I think raging at him for making mistakes is unpleasant and I would hate it if he did that to me. So if he takes a wrong turn I don't huff and puff or nag about it.

I wouldn't tell him how to park if he's the one driving.

If he needed some time alone I wouldn't chastise him when he got back.

'She really enjoys having sex with him' 🤔🤔 surely he should get the points for that! 😂

Ha ha! Indeed wishywashy6.

I suppose letting him know she enjoyed it gets her some points so he feels good/appreciated!

Haha I'm fairly sure he knows I've enjoyed it without me having to tell him

The wife one is shocking!
I’m surprised she doesn’t get point for putting on her face and changing into a clean pinny before he walks through the door!

I’ve just shown these to DH. He laughed and asked what he did wrong to end up with me! But then he said they’re a bit creepy and stepford wife like. But he also interestingly remarked that he could never be sure what was real and what was false and that would be weird in a marriage. I think I love him just a teeny bit more than I did 15mins ago.

I think the general idea is right, even if the specifics may be old fashioned. It's all about paying attention to your partner, and TRULY listening to what they feel and want in life, and empathasing. So the feelings behind the specifics will always be relevant.