Would you like your husband to do these things?

[ApplesAndPearsStairs]

I'm having some serious relationship problems with DH and am rereading Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. It's a book that has divided opinion and I think it's old fashioned in places. But generally it seems good to me.

There's a section called 101 ways to score with a woman. They're basically things that a man can do to make the woman feel good/happy. There is a separate and quite different type of list for women.

Anyway, I looked at the list of 101 items and realised that my husband does 17 of these. Probably only 95/101 are relevant to me but that's still a lot missing.

So my questions to you are:

1. Would you like it if your husband did these things?
2. Do you have that kind of relationship already?

I'm just wondering if this is an unrealistic expectation.

Thanks

My ex did most of these things, turned out he was fucking other women whilst he was supposed to be at work 😐, he would buy me flowers every week, show interest in everything I did and even built me a fire in wintertime 🤣

Can you imagine the flak if I posted a list of 100 equivalent things that my wife is supposed to do for me? And then said I wasn't happy with her because she didn't do enough of them?

1. Give me a back rub when I've had a hard day
2. Give me oral as a surprise
3. Make an effort to watch the football with me
4. Listen closely and ask relevant questions when I talk about motorbikes

Good grief. It's 2019 FGS.

Maybe as a first step consider reading this together with your partner and talking about it in a "Ooh, I like this one" or "God no, never do this" kind of way? Then you can do the same for the woman's list. At least then your DP knows what the rules he's supposed to be following are, instead of being blissfully ignorant that the number of hugs he gives you are being counted and judged.

I would love to see the list for women to do as well.

Seth the woman list has been requested upthread.

My 'D'H does maybe two or three of these at a push

Do women really want to be told "I love you" twice a day? To me that makes it something you say by rote. Similarly with giving four hugs a day. It feels a bit too claustrophobic to me. But is that me just being a distant bloke?

Those things are important to me, yes. But, that's me and my personality. My husband always gives me a cuddle in bed every night and morning, gives me a kiss goodbye whenever he leaves (even if it's just to the shops) and tells me he loves me at least three times a day.

It's nice to be shown that you are loved. That doesn't have to be hugs and kisses, it could be making them a cup of coffee everyday, running a bath, making them a hot water bottle when it's cold - just little, simple things that say "I care".

Some of those are bloody weird

offer to build a fire in the winter time

when holding hands, don’t let your hand go limp (crammmmmp?)

DH does some of them but not all of them. I wouldn’t want him to do all of them.

The 4 hugs a day stuff, I think is based on something a therapist said about it being the minimum required for ‘survival’ (survival of what, I don’t know).

The best thing about this book was the bit explaining that when women talk about something that's bothering them it's not so that the man can fix it. They just need to get it out there!

Mine does most of these normally. He's the only man I've been with who does. But he's an absolute sociopath aswell. He doesn't offer to clean though hed just do those things naturally. He's more domesticated than me.

The fire one did make me laugh but he did that Last year when he lived in a big shared house with an open fire lol and it was lovely

Yes my husband does most of these things. He doesn't ask about emptying the bins, washing up etc he just does them.

He always gives me a hug and kiss first thing in the morning, when he goes out, when he gets back and when we go to bed. Quite a lot of hugs and kisses inbetween times as well and tells me at least twice a day that he loves me. Sometimes texts me to say it.

I am the fire guru in our house.

Has no-one heard of Girl Guides???

Absolutely, different personalities appreciate different things. I was more checking that I'm not being a crap husband if I don't necessarily say I love you twice a day. I don't think it's the sort of thing my wife would like but I was checking in case it's something I'm blind to, and the vast majority of women would like it.

I guess part of it is that I've seen quite a few guys who are very into their declarations of love, but the practical side of actually showing it is somewhat lacking.

Why not ask your wife?

I would not like DH commenting every day about me looking tired, happy or whatever. In fact most of the things on that list would irritate me. But this is me:

Missingstreetlife, I read the thread, was interested in some of it, so asked a question. I'm not expecting strangers to know what my wife wants.

He always gives me a hug and kiss first thing in the morning, when he goes out, when he gets back and when we go to bed. Quite a lot of hugs and kisses inbetween times as well and tells me at least twice a day that he loves me. Sometimes texts me to say it

Different strokes for different folks, my husband pulls this shit if I don't put him on a leash, I find it all too clingy and suffocating.

*1. Give me a back rub when I've had a hard day

1. Give me oral as a surprise
2. Make an effort to watch the football with me*

I genuinely enjoy doing all of the above for my BF 😬

@mydogisthebest sounds perfect. It sounds like you both don't long for too much and have a great relationship.

I don't find it clingy or suffocating at all. I would hate it if we didn't hug in the morning or he didn't give me a hug and kiss before going out to work.

For us, it is just part of being in a loving and caring relationship. He had a 3 hour drive to work this morning and rang me when he got there to let me know he had arrived safely. He always does this but this morning the roads were so icy and dangerous I was relieved when he rang.

We have been married for almost 40 years and I think it is important to still show we love and care for each other.

My DH would say that he's a good husband because he does his fair share of looking after the children and he works hard (and often late and weekends) to keep bringing home a wage. I work part time and my salary doesn't cover the cost of childcare, so money is a bit tight.

As I said, he only does 17 of the 101 things listed. For example, he

• doesn't greet me with a kiss or offer physical affection
• tends to talk at me
• gives flowers about once a year on an occasion like valentines day or mothers day (but not both)
• never plans dates
• doesn't ever 'surprise' me with anything
• does his fair share (bins, dog) but doesn't ever offer to help me (he'd say he's at capacity I think!)
• rarely compliments me

My husband does most already.

Never read the book but there's a few points on there actually about 10 that I whinge to my DH about him not doing and he doesn't think they're important points. interesting, I'll have yo show him.
He does a LOT for me and the family but there's a lot he doesn't do that I've communicated about and still nothing changes and so I have felt very very lonely these past 5 or 6 years but it's nothing worth leaving him over so I have to just accept it.

I don't find it clingy or suffocating at all

And I think that's lovely, I'm just very different. My husband is similar to you but really I don't need to be pawed at all the time, or for him to tell me he loves me multiple times a day, and we have been together nearly thirty years. I've always been the same. Hence my comment different strokes for different folks.

And the making little noises to indicate you're listening is very annoying. It usually ends up with
"Are you listening to me?
Yes
What did I say?"