Would you like your husband to do these things?

[ApplesAndPearsStairs]

I'm having some serious relationship problems with DH and am rereading Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. It's a book that has divided opinion and I think it's old fashioned in places. But generally it seems good to me.

There's a section called 101 ways to score with a woman. They're basically things that a man can do to make the woman feel good/happy. There is a separate and quite different type of list for women.

Anyway, I looked at the list of 101 items and realised that my husband does 17 of these. Probably only 95/101 are relevant to me but that's still a lot missing.

So my questions to you are:

1. Would you like it if your husband did these things?
2. Do you have that kind of relationship already?

I'm just wondering if this is an unrealistic expectation.

Thanks

I appreciate 33 of these and DH does about two thirds of those. Most of the rest give me the rage and I already hate the book, without reading it.

I'm guessing this is aimed at a traditional housewife/working husband set up - in which case offering to empty the bin rather than just doing it makes more sense, because the housework is her role/job. I'm not sure of the relevance of this book to a modern couple, I must say.

I would say DH does a lot of these. He does as many that matter to me, anyway.

When holding hands don't let your hand go limp

Yeah, cardinal sin there.

God, some of those are dated.

'Offer to fix things in the house that need fixing. Say 'What needs to be fixed? I have a little time.'

Er, no. Wifework! Look around you and see for yourself what needs to be fixed!

And as for offering to 'help scrub pots or other difficult tasks' and 'offer to sharpen her knives in the kitchen'. WTF??

Men and women are not different species. People will treat you how you let them. Don't baby a man and don't be grateful when he does normal things that need doing or pays attention to his wife and kids. That's what we are supposed to do. All of us. Anything less is just *mandering bollocks.

*mandering is my made up word for needless pandering to a man

I'd like to see the women's list.

Offer to empty the bin. Offer to wash up.

He does none of the stupid offering, I'd hate that, just bloody well does it.

Jeez. Am I the only one who finds those pages incredibly irritating to read??

It comes naturally. I don't think one needs a book to dictate how they should act in a relationship or to their significant other. Nobody is perfect.

I read the book a million years ago. It seemed good at the time, so I suspect it’s actually a large dose of bollocks 🤣😂. The DP causing me to read it, is LONG gone.

I wouldn’t want anyone, doing anything, that didn’t come naturally (emotionally). Yes, I want us both to want to see each other when one of us comes home, but I wouldn’t want him to do it because he’d read it on a list of things he should do.

I think how you are (or seem to be) using the book might help to clarify what’s missing in your relationship and why you’re unhappy, you may be able to work out why you’re not meeting each other’s needs, but I would NEVER use it to say ‘this is what you SHOULD be doing, because I want it to come from the heart, not a book.

I hope you can sort things out or move on. Life’s too short to be unhappy.

OP, can you post the woman's list?

And as a point of interest, how many of the woman's list do you think you do?

I love this book but it is horribly dated and sexist. My favourite bit is women want to be understood but men want to be appreciated. Of course we all want all these things but it's a good basis for a discussion. Is John gray still married?

Ugh. The problem with this list is that it feels like it is written from a standpoint that these are things a man should only do to make his poor sensitive little wifey feel appreciated .

The whole principle of this book is a total cop out. Men aren't shit at this stuff because they are genetically male. They are shit at it because they can get away with it. Lots of the things on the list are pretty silly anyway. It's very old-fashioned.

Actually, having read a few more posts that were written while I was typing, more of it’s coming back to me.... I remember how much of it I thought was outdated then and this was 20 years ago! 🤣😂

Can I point out to those who think it was written a long time ago, hence dealing with an entirely different society and a strongly gendered division of labour that it was published in 1992, not 1952?

I'm guessing it's aimed at people not living together yet - hence it's her bin.

Unfortunately I think it is aimed at cohabiting couples as it talks about their children too.

There are some good things in there, it's just mixed in with a role of stereotypes.

Do women really want to be told "I love you" twice a day? To me that makes it something you say by rote. Similarly with giving four hugs a day. It feels a bit too claustrophobic to me. But is that me just being a distant bloke?

Things like paying attention when she's talking, acknowledging feelings rather than offering solutions, are always worth reminding.

Hmm, I don't think any of them are especially unrealistic, no.

But all relationships are different and every couple works differently. My husband doesn't offer to do the housework, he just does it because he's an adult and understands that he needs to do it because there's no such thing as a cleaning fairy!

I suspect some men display many of these behaviours but are also deploying them to further an agenda which isn't necessarily about making a woman feel "happy" or "special" in the slightest.

It is aimed at married couples

Bloody hell, I want my money back!

Do women really want to be told "I love you" twice a day? To me that makes it something you say by rote. Similarly with giving four hugs a day. It feels a bit too claustrophobic to me. But is that me just being a distant bloke?
No, but it's always nice to hear it.
I've never counted how many hugs I get but I do love it when he just comes up and puts his arms round me while I'm doing something or just randomly rings me to tell me he misses me. I'm not saying I need these things daily, but I do appreciate them when they happen.

I don't think there are any set rules, as long as both parties in the relationship are happy with how things are then there's no right or wrong. If however, for example, one person is craving some affection and the other never shows it or one person feels like they're doing everything with little input from the other, then there's an issue which needs to be addressed

It's quite an old book, we were reading it in the 90's.
very good for it's time, but we haved moved on a bit in some ways.
Some would say for the worst.

There are a few on this list (like dancing lessons) that DH and I wouldn’t do as it’s not our thing.

But I guess if you’re such a twat that you need to be told ‘if she’s been ill, ask her how she’s feeling’, ‘say thank you when she does something for you’ or ‘say nice things about a meal someone has cooked for you’, you need all the help you can get.

I agree this sets the bar incredibly low.

Have a shower or use aftershave.

No. Have a fucking shower.

And am I the only one that noticed that cooking and what needs doing was repeated. Albeit reworded.

"1. Would you like it if your husband did these things?

1. Do you have that kind of relationship already?"

1. Yes (except the fire building, we don't have a real fire so that could be tricky!)
2. Mostly, yes, he check how I am, he sorts the car, he helps with dinner and the kids and does loads of stuff around the house, he is a good man.

Areas where he is not so hot, no hugs generally, intimacy mostly during sex, but occasional kiss when he comes home (I could find him and kiss him, of course).

I would not expect 4 hugs per day and that would feel rather prescriptive.

I'm surprised how little has changed, we had the new man and the metrosexual, but women are still abused and not getting their needs met. I don't think it does any harm to understand, educate and change behaviour, but there's a limit to how long I want to go down a well for or leave someone in a cave.
My oh has been trained to say poor you if there's crying (best it gets, has other qualities) and trained himself to appreciate all his own good deeds as I am a bit lax with the medals!