Crazy Mother in Law HELP!!

[newmummyx18]

Hi, I apologise in advance for how long this thread is going to be but I am at my wits end and I need to rant because everyone else is sick listening to me..

So I had a beautiful son 5 months ago and when I was pregnant I grew really close with my Mother in Law. I had been having a few ongoing issues with my own mum and wasn't on the best of terms with her whilst pregnant (all issues are now resolved and we are rebuilding our relationship).

My Mother in Law has always been overbearing, she controls everything my partner and I do I.e. tries to dictate how we spend our weekends, demands we book all our weekends away/holidays with her and my father and brother in law - we will be together 6 years this year and have never been away just the two of us because we have always had to go with them!! She ruins every holiday by trying to control it and if nobody wants to do what she does she sulks. She torments her husband who is just her lapdog. Speaks to him like crap and if she falls out with him gets straight on the phone to my partner to tell him everything that has happened with them and this in turn causes huge problems with my partner and his father.

When I found out I was pregnant I was nervous of telling MIL because she had always stated that she didn't want grandchildren and I thought she was going to flip out. She surprisingly took the news better than anyone expected and so my partner and I were really able to get excited about our new bundle because we had her support. But now looking back, as horrible as it sounds. I really wish she had of reacted badly because she has been more overbearing now than she ever has in 5 years!

It started with her insisting upon buying the pram (even though my mum wanted to buy it) I gave in and allowed her to do it because this was her first grandchild and my mum already has 5 grandchildren. This caused a fallout between me and my mum. She wouldn't let us announce our news because she wanted us to wait until a family gathering and do it then. The day of the gathering she then took it upon herself to text everyone before it and tell them our news! I was livid but had to go along with it as my partner said she was just excited and not to hurt her feelings. She dictated what name and religion my child would be. Her and FIL joked how I didn't get to make any decisions and I was just the surrogate.

When my baby came along he was two weeks early due to me having pre eclampsia which I know in my heart I developed due to stress because of the anxiety the woman was giving me. Also because of the fallout caused with myself and my family due to me pushing them away to always do what my partners family wanted. When my partner phoned to say my son had been born she kept on ringing him and giving orders "don't be telling anyone or putting anything on Facebook yet" "send me pictures" "how's everything now" when we were trying to spend time together as a new family. She made my partner come home from hospital after my child was born to take her back to the hospital and I ended up being on my own most of that morning/early afternoon until visiting hours opened for my sister to come and see me. When they eventually did arrive they then stayed till late that night. When my mum came to visit they didn't even have the decency to leave the room for a while so mum and I could talk and so she could see meet my son properly. Also had to ask them to hand him over to her! She cleaned my house for me while I was in hospital which I was extremely grateful for. My house was clean as I had been nesting but messy as I had not expected to go into labour when I did and had not tidied the house that day. And she made sure to let me know everything she had to do to get it back in order. When holding my son she kept going on at everybody to look at her holding him. Took picture after picture when I was exhausted and hadn't even been showered yet after labour due to having an epidural and only being fit to walk when they arrived at the hospital. She then put these pictures on Facebook! Kept calling him "my wee man" was there in my house the night we came home from hospital and stayed until 1am I was absolutely exhausted and just wanted a quiet evening but there they all were! We asked for space the next day his first proper day home and she must have phoned us about 6 times that day all while texting my partner in between times! When she came to visit she would snatch my baby out of my arms from him no matter whether he was feeding, sleeping, crying she would just take him off me even though I had asked her to stop doing it she said "that's just what grandparents do" and continues to do it till this day. I find myself having to walk away when she does it because it makes me so angry and she will make comments to my partner like "what's wrong with her" when she knows fine rightly that it's because she has snatched him off me! She was bringing her friends who I had never met in to see him without asking and just being an utter nightmare! I couldn't even bring myself to pretend to be happy she was there anymore because she was making me feel so miserable and she had started to notice and was saying things to my partner about me behind my back. I was just 3 weeks after having a baby!!

Eventually when she was asking to call in I started asking my partner to say no because I needed space from her and we needed a few days to be a new family without anyone calling and disrupting everything. I also couldn't bear her coming in and taking over and judging me and telling me that everything I was doing was wrong anymore because I was already putting pressure on myself to be a perfect mum - after growing up in foster care and not wanting to turn out like my own mother. This did not go down well! She lost the plot, called me and my partner all the names under the sun. Said we were ungrateful and that we would have nothing without her. Made cruel remarks about the fact I grew up in foster care and just took things too far and made them so personal all because we asked for space! I then refused to see her or speak to her because I was so hurt by her reaction. At first my partner totally understood and supported me. She then started coming in between partner and I. Making herself to be the victim. Saying that I was stopping her bonding with my baby and because of my own issues with my mother I was pushing her away. I didn't speak to her for months because she refused to apologise and also because I had reached out to her and gave her the opportunity to apologise to me by apologising to her for my offstandish attitude towards her but she never bothered to get back to me!. I did not stop her seeing my son I allowed my partner to continue bringing him to see her as much as it made me feel sick. This caused row after row between my partner and I until he eventually said his Mother is not the sort of person who will apologise ever he said that he knows this is not right or justifiable for her actions but I would never achieve anything by continuing to stay fell out with her because she would never apologise and he was the only person getting hurt in the crossfire. Because I love my partner I then let it drop and continued on like nothing had happened. Then all hell broke loose again..

My son is named after his father, I didn't particularly want to call him after him, I stated this from beginning but got so much pressure from my partner and his family - particularly her, that I ended up giving in and going along with it.

My partner and I are from different religious backgrounds, I wanted my son to be christened the same as me because I was already giving him my partners name against my will, again this was an issue, both him and his family put pressure on me and made me feel like I had to do it. I was going along with it but my heart was breaking because I didn't want to. Eventually I told my family (foster family) what was going on and they refused to come to the christening because of how I was being treated and being forced into making decisions about my child that I wasn't happy with and because of the cruel remarks his mum had made about me being in foster care they didn't want to be anywhere near her. Off course this didn't go down well and she lost the plot again. Refused to accept any responsibility and accused me and my parents of using her as an excuse to get out of the christening because of the religion. I had it out with her and told her how I had stated it was nothing to do with religion it was due to her trying to control my life and my family weren't willing to stand back and support that. We then had another fallout for a couple of months and only because Christmas and new year has just passed I have had to see her and speak to and be civil towards her. This is pleasing my partner big time because the whole fallout with her had been causing argument after argument between us and now that I am being civil with her the arguments have stopped. But she's starting to try and be overbearing again by trying to get us to go on holiday next month when I really don't want to spend anymore time with her than I have to for the sake of my partner and son. and I feel like no matter what I do to put my foot down with her and say that this is MY family and she can't throw her dummy out of the pram everytime she doesn't get what she wants or we don't bow to her demands. She still doesn't get it she still tries to control everything meaning she doesn't have any respect for me or my role as head of MY family. I feel sick when she is in my presence, I'm always on edge because she always criticising and judging my blood boils when I see her touching or holding my son, I even feel rage when he smiles at her. I know I sound crazy but I just don't know what to do to get over this? I feel like I need an apology from her for everything that I've done and knowing I'm not going to get one makes me even angrier?? Can anyone give me some advice on what to do to handle this situation? Everyone else says stand up to her but once you do she plays the victim and turns everything round on you. There is no making this woman see sense and I'm losing my mind!! I've been to speak to my doctor and he has put me on medication for anxiety because I can't sleep at night dreading the next day in case she calls and asks can she come and see "her wee man" I just can't cope anymore!

She sounds horrendous! But I'm not sure that anything can improve until/unless your DP starts putting you and DS first and giving his DM firm boundaries. he's the one you need to tackle, not her.
Can you decide what boundaries you'd like, frequency of contact etc and then see what DP days when you tell him?

As the old adage goes- you’ve got a DP problem.

You need to say no and mean it. Put your foot down. Expect your partner to do the same. If he doesn’t, reconsider your relationship.

I’m amazed you’ve let this go so far. I’d have drawn the line at the name without a doubt.

Recently I have had to involve my family so that they could speak to DP because everytime I bring it up it ends in a screaming match and I get called everything. I needed to make him see that I'm not jealous, ungrateful, controlling or trying to come in between him and his mother (his and her idea of the situation) and to make him see that I'm just at the end of my tether and that the relationship with her is not healthy. He now does seem to realise and things have gotten better between me and him.

But she is still there in the background trying to control everything. She wants us to go to London for the weekend in February when she knows we can't afford it and that I want the first time we go away with DS to be just the three of us as we never even got a holiday just the two of us before DS came along. But again I'm being the selfish one!

Even before Christmas she phoned me and asked me whether I was buying the child his Boxing Day outfit or Christmas outfit I said both and she told me I had to pick one or the other!! I told her no I was getting both and she went crying to DP saying I was trying to ruin DS first Christmas for her! She even had a meltdown when I chose to have Christmas at home instead of spending it at either of our parents home.

DP has spoken to her numerous times now and told her she needs to back off but she manipulates the situation and gets inside his head saying that it's just me trying to ruin his relationship with her.

I love my DP so much but I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I would be happy if I never saw the woman again.

I completely agree with IMissGin, you've got a DP problem.
Long before now he should have been telling his mother NO! and putting you first but as he hasn't he needs to start doing that right now.
Also you need to put your foot down, stand your ground and when she pitches a fit and throws her toys out of the pram ignore it. Turn your phone off and your DP's, she can call, text, rant and rave to her hearts content and you'll be blissfully unaware (until you turn your phones on at which time you ignore the tirade of toxic MIL bullshit she has tried to throw at you).
There are so many things in your OP that would have been absolute deal breakers for me if it was my in-laws, they would have been told where to go if they tried half the shit she pulled.

I'm afraid you have a DP problem too - ' She made my partner come home from hospital after my child was born to take her back to the hospital and I ended up being on my own most of that morning/early afternoon until visiting hours opened for my sister to come and see me'

Unless she had a gun to his head then no, she didn't make him do anything and cannot make either of you do anything. This will only get worse if you let it continue.

The thing about contact is...

My DP would happily go without it just as much as me. But when she gets on the phone and demands it and guilt trips him and makes him feel like shit he bows to her demands and either we have to let her come here or take DS to her!

DP has said he feels suicidal since DS came along and I know it's because of what MIL is causing and has caused his whole life.

She knows he is soft and that guilt tripping him is the best way to get him to do anything!

I have told DP till I'm blue in the face that none of it is healthy and I think he knows it but he's just so terrified of how she will react to being told NO all the time that he ends up giving into her and it's me and DS who have had to suffer because of it!

Is mil Jewish? reminds me of my mum

Nope she is Protestant and I am catholic!

DPS father is Catholic so don't understand what the big issue is?

MIL states she forces it on us cause it was forced on her! She is RIDICULOUS!

Ok, so you've tried to tell him how you feel and he shoots you down in flames and takes his mothers side. Not good OP. Do you think if you wrote him a letter telling him how you are feeling and why it might get through to him? When you have a conversation with someone who doesn't want to see your side of things it's easy to get side tracked and not get across what you're trying to say. If it's written in front of him he can't shout and scream at the page, he has to read it, think and then respond.
If he can't or won't see things from your perspective and be on your side rather than his mothers side then you might have to make a hard decision and break it off with him. Your partner should be with you as a team, not siding with his mother and making your life hard.
Would you and him consider counselling about all of this?

As a side note, the fact that he is screaming at you and calling you names is 100% not on! That's disrespectful and abusive behaviour and he needs to stop that now. I really hope he's not doing that in front of your DS.

Yes, it's a DP problem. Until he steps up it won't get any better.

demands we book all our weekends away/holidays with her and my father and brother in law

Tell her to fuck off. Just don’t go. What is she going to do? Aside from in short order threaten suicide, get cancer and have a heart attack, of course.

Like I say I got my own family involved to mediate between us both and since then things have been fine between DP and I. No more screaming matches and he tries to understand everything from my point of view.

But there is still no change in MILs behaviour. She lost her mum when she was 27 and says things to DP like "what if that happens to you, you will regret it". Then her sister died suddenly last year and now she uses that as her excuse to get out of everything and my DP falls for it.

He grew up in a house watching his parents fight day in and day out because of how controlling she is. I feel like she wants to come in between our relationship to make DPs life just the same as hers!

She has threatened suicide on numerous occasions!!

Change any and all locks she may have a key to. Turn down or disconnect your doorbell for a while. Can you afford a weekend at a Travelodge somewhere not too far away? Pack the car and just hijack dp when he gets home from work. Tell your nice mother what your plans are so emergencies can be taken care of. Turn off all phones and just take time out to be yourselves. Does your beloved dp even know what life is like without drama?

As they say on mn you have a dp problem im afraid. My dh would have No qualms about telling our parents that they have had their kids with all the "firsts" and getting to make all the decisions and now it's our turn.

Maybe planning in advance would help? Speak to your partner about what your willing to do as a compromise? E.g.. he takes baby to visit his mum once a week for an hour or two and you get some time to yourself .Decide months in advance between yourselves what your plans are for Xmas and birthdays and stick to it have your response ready when something alternative is suggested. Wrt the holiday tell your partner if he honestly wants you having any sort of relationship with his mother in the future he cannot push this idea as it will most definitely end up leading to a massive fall out again as yous just no longer get on (and in turn he will also be miserable!). Keep visits short and sweet.

Do you want her to manipulate and control your child too. Do you want her to undermine your parenting to the extent that he does what she tells him too rather than what you would advise or what is best for him. Do you want this to be the way the rest of your life pans out? It is easy to say you have a partner problem but you don't really. You have a YOU problem. You absolutely can not change another person. You have no control over their actions. Your parter and his mother have demonstrated that they will NOT change this codependent relationship. It has been years and it is still the same. You have to decide whether you can live with it. If you can't you need to leave. But bear in mind they will now always be a part of your child's life.

There's a book called Toxic Parents (can't think of the author) that your DP might benefit from reading. It sounds to me like he's stuck in the FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) of his toxic relationship with his mother. Doing things like threatening suicide, claiming to have a major health scare (possible heart attack) etc. are all control tactics used by narcissistic and abusive people (like your darling MIL). Your DP needs to look into this so he can see it for what it is and break free from her clutches. There's only so much people can take and you may want to point out to him that if he keeps falling back into obeying her over being there for you, you might not be in this relationship anymore.

I know I need to leave but the threats I have been given if I do are what stops me...

I am currently on an anti-depressant medication that my doctor prescribed to me to help me control the anxiety that this has been causing.

DP and his mother have both threatened that if I leave they will go for full custody and state that they will get it as I grew up in foster care and have mental health issues.

I know this is not enough reason for my son to be taken from me but I fear what other nasty things they would say to make sure it does happen?

You have to tell your DP that you are prepared to walk away from him if he won't stop letting his mother control everything. And you have to mean it.

If not, nothing will change.

She has threatened suicide on numerous occasions!!

Laugh. Then the following day, ask her why she isn’t dead yet.

*Mytieisascarf
*
I don't think the issue does lie with me as I have bowed down to their controlling ways for 5 years. Now I have my DS I refuse to allow them to control me any longer as NO I don't want my son to grow up and be manipulated and controlled the way his father has been. Which is why I have been standing my ground. This has been the repercussions of it all and what I'm saying is that I don't know what more to do because I am trying and failing to show them that I am my DS mother and anything that happens in his life is up to me and my DP not him and my MIL!

I have a nightmare MIL. I just avoid her. I leave it to my husband to sort out when he/we/the children see her. When I see her I am friendly and polite but I don’t make any effort to contact her independently of my DH. I don’t listen to/take/care about her advice opinions. It’s tsken some getting used to but she seems to have realised that I am not as forgiving as her children and has backed off. In your place I would just tell your DH that she is his problem to deal with and refuse to see her any more than you have to to be polite.

I don't think the issue does lie with me as I have bowed down to their controlling ways for 5 years

You should never have had to bow down in the first place.

Your DP needs to realise his relationship with his mother is unhealthy for him, you and your child.

I think your DP needs to deal with this. Sit him down and talk to him. You have enough to deal with with s newborn and the anxiety she has created. Start by saying it’s lovely that she wants to be involved but..... then explain that some boundary’s are needed. Ask him outright to support you.

Ps try to remember she is his mum and coach it as positives rather than outright criticism