Crazy Mother in Law HELP!!

[newmummyx18]

Hi, I apologise in advance for how long this thread is going to be but I am at my wits end and I need to rant because everyone else is sick listening to me..

So I had a beautiful son 5 months ago and when I was pregnant I grew really close with my Mother in Law. I had been having a few ongoing issues with my own mum and wasn't on the best of terms with her whilst pregnant (all issues are now resolved and we are rebuilding our relationship).

My Mother in Law has always been overbearing, she controls everything my partner and I do I.e. tries to dictate how we spend our weekends, demands we book all our weekends away/holidays with her and my father and brother in law - we will be together 6 years this year and have never been away just the two of us because we have always had to go with them!! She ruins every holiday by trying to control it and if nobody wants to do what she does she sulks. She torments her husband who is just her lapdog. Speaks to him like crap and if she falls out with him gets straight on the phone to my partner to tell him everything that has happened with them and this in turn causes huge problems with my partner and his father.

When I found out I was pregnant I was nervous of telling MIL because she had always stated that she didn't want grandchildren and I thought she was going to flip out. She surprisingly took the news better than anyone expected and so my partner and I were really able to get excited about our new bundle because we had her support. But now looking back, as horrible as it sounds. I really wish she had of reacted badly because she has been more overbearing now than she ever has in 5 years!

It started with her insisting upon buying the pram (even though my mum wanted to buy it) I gave in and allowed her to do it because this was her first grandchild and my mum already has 5 grandchildren. This caused a fallout between me and my mum. She wouldn't let us announce our news because she wanted us to wait until a family gathering and do it then. The day of the gathering she then took it upon herself to text everyone before it and tell them our news! I was livid but had to go along with it as my partner said she was just excited and not to hurt her feelings. She dictated what name and religion my child would be. Her and FIL joked how I didn't get to make any decisions and I was just the surrogate.

When my baby came along he was two weeks early due to me having pre eclampsia which I know in my heart I developed due to stress because of the anxiety the woman was giving me. Also because of the fallout caused with myself and my family due to me pushing them away to always do what my partners family wanted. When my partner phoned to say my son had been born she kept on ringing him and giving orders "don't be telling anyone or putting anything on Facebook yet" "send me pictures" "how's everything now" when we were trying to spend time together as a new family. She made my partner come home from hospital after my child was born to take her back to the hospital and I ended up being on my own most of that morning/early afternoon until visiting hours opened for my sister to come and see me. When they eventually did arrive they then stayed till late that night. When my mum came to visit they didn't even have the decency to leave the room for a while so mum and I could talk and so she could see meet my son properly. Also had to ask them to hand him over to her! She cleaned my house for me while I was in hospital which I was extremely grateful for. My house was clean as I had been nesting but messy as I had not expected to go into labour when I did and had not tidied the house that day. And she made sure to let me know everything she had to do to get it back in order. When holding my son she kept going on at everybody to look at her holding him. Took picture after picture when I was exhausted and hadn't even been showered yet after labour due to having an epidural and only being fit to walk when they arrived at the hospital. She then put these pictures on Facebook! Kept calling him "my wee man" was there in my house the night we came home from hospital and stayed until 1am I was absolutely exhausted and just wanted a quiet evening but there they all were! We asked for space the next day his first proper day home and she must have phoned us about 6 times that day all while texting my partner in between times! When she came to visit she would snatch my baby out of my arms from him no matter whether he was feeding, sleeping, crying she would just take him off me even though I had asked her to stop doing it she said "that's just what grandparents do" and continues to do it till this day. I find myself having to walk away when she does it because it makes me so angry and she will make comments to my partner like "what's wrong with her" when she knows fine rightly that it's because she has snatched him off me! She was bringing her friends who I had never met in to see him without asking and just being an utter nightmare! I couldn't even bring myself to pretend to be happy she was there anymore because she was making me feel so miserable and she had started to notice and was saying things to my partner about me behind my back. I was just 3 weeks after having a baby!!

Eventually when she was asking to call in I started asking my partner to say no because I needed space from her and we needed a few days to be a new family without anyone calling and disrupting everything. I also couldn't bear her coming in and taking over and judging me and telling me that everything I was doing was wrong anymore because I was already putting pressure on myself to be a perfect mum - after growing up in foster care and not wanting to turn out like my own mother. This did not go down well! She lost the plot, called me and my partner all the names under the sun. Said we were ungrateful and that we would have nothing without her. Made cruel remarks about the fact I grew up in foster care and just took things too far and made them so personal all because we asked for space! I then refused to see her or speak to her because I was so hurt by her reaction. At first my partner totally understood and supported me. She then started coming in between partner and I. Making herself to be the victim. Saying that I was stopping her bonding with my baby and because of my own issues with my mother I was pushing her away. I didn't speak to her for months because she refused to apologise and also because I had reached out to her and gave her the opportunity to apologise to me by apologising to her for my offstandish attitude towards her but she never bothered to get back to me!. I did not stop her seeing my son I allowed my partner to continue bringing him to see her as much as it made me feel sick. This caused row after row between my partner and I until he eventually said his Mother is not the sort of person who will apologise ever he said that he knows this is not right or justifiable for her actions but I would never achieve anything by continuing to stay fell out with her because she would never apologise and he was the only person getting hurt in the crossfire. Because I love my partner I then let it drop and continued on like nothing had happened. Then all hell broke loose again..

My son is named after his father, I didn't particularly want to call him after him, I stated this from beginning but got so much pressure from my partner and his family - particularly her, that I ended up giving in and going along with it.

My partner and I are from different religious backgrounds, I wanted my son to be christened the same as me because I was already giving him my partners name against my will, again this was an issue, both him and his family put pressure on me and made me feel like I had to do it. I was going along with it but my heart was breaking because I didn't want to. Eventually I told my family (foster family) what was going on and they refused to come to the christening because of how I was being treated and being forced into making decisions about my child that I wasn't happy with and because of the cruel remarks his mum had made about me being in foster care they didn't want to be anywhere near her. Off course this didn't go down well and she lost the plot again. Refused to accept any responsibility and accused me and my parents of using her as an excuse to get out of the christening because of the religion. I had it out with her and told her how I had stated it was nothing to do with religion it was due to her trying to control my life and my family weren't willing to stand back and support that. We then had another fallout for a couple of months and only because Christmas and new year has just passed I have had to see her and speak to and be civil towards her. This is pleasing my partner big time because the whole fallout with her had been causing argument after argument between us and now that I am being civil with her the arguments have stopped. But she's starting to try and be overbearing again by trying to get us to go on holiday next month when I really don't want to spend anymore time with her than I have to for the sake of my partner and son. and I feel like no matter what I do to put my foot down with her and say that this is MY family and she can't throw her dummy out of the pram everytime she doesn't get what she wants or we don't bow to her demands. She still doesn't get it she still tries to control everything meaning she doesn't have any respect for me or my role as head of MY family. I feel sick when she is in my presence, I'm always on edge because she always criticising and judging my blood boils when I see her touching or holding my son, I even feel rage when he smiles at her. I know I sound crazy but I just don't know what to do to get over this? I feel like I need an apology from her for everything that I've done and knowing I'm not going to get one makes me even angrier?? Can anyone give me some advice on what to do to handle this situation? Everyone else says stand up to her but once you do she plays the victim and turns everything round on you. There is no making this woman see sense and I'm losing my mind!! I've been to speak to my doctor and he has put me on medication for anxiety because I can't sleep at night dreading the next day in case she calls and asks can she come and see "her wee man" I just can't cope anymore!

Just seen you are 25. They think they can walk all over you. You also don't realize your own power.

You are trying to be too nice and win approval from others. Unfortunately this is coming at your expense and that of your child.

I had the same problem. In laws and DH who thought I was willing to appease, to be walked all over.

All this hassle stopped for me when I changed. I don't care if I argue with my husband in these matters, I don't see my MIL and I don't do anything I do not want to do. Ever. I don't care if they despise me.

Things rapidly changed when they realized I am the gatekeeper.

Just refuse. Let them do what they want. If they threaten you then you have it all noted with GP/health visitor. You make yourself busy - broaden your network, lean on friends and family. Make yourself busy. Make it your DHs problem every single time his mother kicks off.

I would call Woman's Aid and ask for advice. I would be looking at my own financial position and I would be making myself secure (money they know nothing about/always having the children's documents in a safe place). I would also warn my husband that if he ever threatened me again with trying to take the children then he would be dealing with a solicitor. Never ever engage with your MIL unless you have to, and keep records of all abuse. Keep a diary if even to look back on yourself.

I would also suggest you ask the GP for a counseling referral or go to marriage counseling by yourself. This will show your DH that you take the problems in your marriage seriously. I did this and my independent psychologist invited my husband in to the session and told him that his family were damaging to the mother/child relationship and my mental health.

You have to fight back against these people. You are not wrong and you are being abused.

You have a far greater problem than your mil. You absolutely refuse to see how pathetic your partner is. You are making a huge amount of excuses for him and feeling sorry for him when he is perfectly ok with letting all this happen to you. You are on anxiety medication because of her and he doesnt see the problem? Nothing is going to change for you op sorry to say.

It really doesn't matter how you feel about all this.

There's a child involved here. He needs protecting from a situation that has included suicide threats, please.

I'm sorry to hear that you feel sorry for your dp but again that's the least important thing in this situation.

Put your feelings aside and REMOVE the vulnerable child from this situation. Go back to your family. Report the threats to GP, Hv and police.

*Apple103
*
Thanks for your opinion. As I've already stated I'm not excusing DPs behaviour as I know it's not justifiable.

I just said that I feel sorry for him because it makes me sad that he is such a good person in every other sense, except when it comes to his mum as she emotionally manipulates him into getting her own way. I personally don't think he puts her above me out of guilt. I think he does it out of fear of losing his mother. Which I can't blame him for because I wouldn't like to be given an ultimatum about my mother either.

MIL is highly manipulative. SHE got close to you in pregnancy to get to your child. She got your trust and has used every piece of info against you. She is abusing you. Look up coercive control - this is what she is doing.

Sounds like she has BPD or NPD. You cannot change these people. They never apologise. You are left with NC or LC.

Your boundaries listed are perfectly normal - but she will not agree. But you need to ignore her and live your life. Get your family to help you again with your DP - get some joint counselling so he can see she is bats.

You need to deal with this tho because your little boy is missing out as his mother is exhausted, preoccupied and anxious. These are very important days and weeks for your baby. He needs you to be attuned to him 100% and your MIL is draining you and preventing this. Don’t let this happen.

*another20
*
Thank you so much for understanding. I too feel like she got close to me so that she could get to my son. My mum is a busy foster carer who is 65 years old and doesn't even have a mobile phone! She doesn't have time to interfere in my life or drop in to visit as much as I would love her to, she lets us live our lives and just says that she is always there if we need her. I confided in MIL about how I wish mum could spend more time with me and MIL made me feel like this wasn't normal, and that because I was pregnant my mother should be making more of an effort with me with no excuses. I then started to resent my own mother because she was putting ideas in my head at a time I was most vulnerable and really would have liked to be bonding with my mum. I ended up swaying towards my MIL because she was offering to take me shopping and to all my maternity appointments and doing all the things I would have liked to have done with my mum. MIL made me feel as though she really wanted to and enjoyed doing all these things with me so at that time I was happy to do it all with her and let her experience becoming a grandma for the first time! But as soon as my son was born and the demanding and bossing about started I realised it was all an agenda to get her own way. The minute I put my foot down her automatic reaction was to throw it in my face everything she done for me when I was pregnant. I knew from that minute she was just using me!

My DP doesn't understand what has gone so badly wrong because he doesn't notice the sarcastic remarks or the constant criticism. He thinks that's her "just trying to help" or "she doesn't think before she speaks" and he thinks it's me just turning on his mum because I have my own issues from growing up in foster care.

I feel like my DP genuinely believed his mum only had good intentions and that she was just a bit overbearing but didn't mean anything by it and because she had him convinced of this she was using my childhood circumstances to try and convince him that I'm insane and that all of this is in my head. Since speaking with my family and them explaining to him that none of it is healthy or normal he now realises that none of it has been normal and he is trying to make a lot more effort in regards to letting me make decisions for my family. I.E. telling his mum no to going to London. Even though she is still insistent upon it!

@billybagpuss bolding doesn't work if there's a line break in the sentences. You would need to put an asterisk at the end of the first para and then bold the second para separately.

newmummy please keep prioritising your DS. You will not get this time back. He really needs you to be calm, peaceful, happy and connected to him.

Anything or anyone who hinders this, distracts you or upsets you is polluting your efforts and this will emotionally harm your DS and damage your bond with him.
Guard this jealously.
This is why your protective Mama Bear emotions are coming to the fore - because your body and mind knows that this is being threatened.

Every minute MIL causes you distress is another minute you have not got for your DS and this will cause him distress too. She is also trying to undermine and gaslight you by referencing your time in care and goading you about your MH. Her end game (in her disordered mind) is to get you classed or believing yourself to be unstable and to take control of your child.

She is toxic. You need v firm boundaries and external support to manage her. Your OH needs to see what is going on and support you.

He is NOT a good person, a loving husband or a decent father - he has threatened to take your child away if you don’t comply with him and his batshit mother.

He’s abusive.

Keep texts. Document evidence. Secretly record him saying that. Make a plan to leave.

Phew am angry and am damn pEd off am f angry damn how do u put up with it? But then again I understand I gave birth to ma DD and all my in laws are saying she looks like my husband aunty like wtf she came out of me I carried her 9 months why f is she going to look like his fken aunty and I still get shit that I makes me feel like I only gave birth to her I have no rights on her and she's all her dad's.
Anyway enough abt me woman put your foot down tell that old hag to piss off and leave u alone he came out of u his ur if she wants a kid tell to get shagged.
Am sorry am rude an just angry at her

OP ask 1Rose19 to move in with you - she’ll sort them out!

Just seen how young you were - only 19 - when you came in contact with MIL - you were also v vulnerable then and she is still dictating and treating you like a wayward teenager that she has control over. She is not just overbearing - she is engulfing and toxic. I don’t think that you realised how bad she was until you have had your own child. You need to operate as poglets advises.

You need to protect your ds from these toxic people before they fuck him up too!

These people sound so much like my in-laws. My mother in law also came round when I was in hospital giving birth to tidy up and decided to move things out of my bed side table and put baby socks in there, she moved my lube FFS.
We cut them both off when DH was alive but then my husband died and they have rewritten history. I feel like I'll never be free of them

Re your NIGHTMARE MIL and sadly useless and ineffective dP's pressure to have your son baptised could you, or would you, consider discussing the situation with your priest to sound out whether you could have your son baptised into your faith? I admit I don't know the 'rules' or protocol on this matter. Obviously not mention it to anyone, not even your dP. Just see if you could arrange to go along to your church on a weekday. Not sure you'd need to have godparents even, unless witnesses essential when it comes down to it, in which case I'm sure the priest could rustle a couple of discrete supporters.
Imagine also, if do-able, the priest would be happy to hold on to your copy of the baptismal certificate.

I appreciate it sounds underhand BUT in the face of the onslaught you are currently subject to it might give your mental armour a little lift, on the quiet. That might be one victory you could hold on to in your heart and mind. And it isn't point scoring in this case but doing what you clearly feel is important. Your wishes have been and are being totally disregarded. Your child is not an object but is being used against you.

Your MIL sounds calculating and the nastiest piece of work going. The threats about ensuring you wouldn't have custody are vile.

Honestly OP if you search here and on other sites you will see that there are many people who have experienced MIL like this. This is sadly a v familiar story.
They are toxic and uncontrollable and will not apologise or change. It all goes the same way - DIL gets continually abused and hurt. Once there is a child in the frame the MIL thinks it is hers and goes into overdrive.

We have read all the stories about them demanding that all “firsts” are theirs, that they buy x outfit, x baby equipment, critising DIL, walking into their homes etc.

And the OH not “seeing” it - ie his own personal comfort to avoid conflict with his volatile DM trumps what his happening to his DW.

The end game is either v v firm boundaries and LC or NC - with your OH fronting this up for both of you. Cut to the chase right now - there is no point wasting another minute of these precious, vanishing early days with your DS embroiled in this toxicity.

If OH is not capable of protecting you and his DS then you need to consider your relationship.

You are not being unreasonable here - but these people set out to drive you crazy, push you to the edge so that you doubt yourself, flip out and then all the negative focus is on you. Keep reading up on this so that you learn the patterns of manipulation and are ready to protect yourself. You need to take yourself out of emotional punching distance - and this falls to you to put up v v strong boundaries. There is nothing to discuss with MIL - you just detach and tell her what the rules and boundaries are or go NC. Do this with the focus on your DS - to give him a happy, Mum not one negatively distracted and reactive to someone else. Keep in contact with HV, GP and make see if you can seek counselling.

As others have said fill up your days and head with emotionally healthy people - who will support you, bring you joy and contentment that you will then pass on to your DS.

She is absolutely dreadful. Just reading about your experience bus stressful.
You've been given lots of good advice. I hope you can find a satiy way out of this. 💐

Bus? is

*another20
*
Thank you so much for all your advice.. Feeling a lot more confident and headstrong now for the next time I have to face this idiot!

The weekend is coming round and DP has no car atm (I don't drive) so no doubt she will use this as her opportunity to try and come to visit as she knows we won't be off out anywhere..

All I can say is bring her on! She can come in all she likes but every smart/criticial comment she makes to make me feel uncomfortable will be met with the same sort of comments until she realises that she can't come into my home and be downright rude anymore!

newmummy - I am so glad you have found your power........but decide how YOU want to spend this weekend.

You don’t have to let her into your home, you don’t have to deal with conflict and negativity in your head, heart, home. Your DS doesn’t need his mother like this.

You should be looking forward to a weekend of love, snuggles and cuddles - not how to be combative with a loon. Don’t let her blight anymore of your new motherhood - she has done enough.

You can decide right now that you are not having any visitors this weekend and tell her that now and then relax. That is a perfectly reasonable way to live as an adult with your own family. YOU need to decide how often or not you want to see this woman. Expect her to “kick off” but be ready for it and let it wash over you. Then sit back and relax.

I had this with ex’s family with ds was worse as I was first time mum and they just didn’t understand boundaries. Best thing was when we split up and they were out of my life for good. You have a dp problem and he will always side with his mum he sounds as equally controlling.

I totally agree with snapped. Your OH needs to have YOU and his DS as priority. No one has to tap dance to anyone’s needs - especially an overbearing fruit bat. If he is unable to see the issue, put your needs first, front up to his DM then you really need to consider moving on.

If your OH is unable to protect you and your DS from this then YOU need to take responsibility for protecting your DS alone to give him a calm and peaceful upbringing.

No no no.
This is just not on.

How on earth have u neber been away together as a couple? I cant beleive how controlling not just your mum but your DP is!

He is just forcing his mums behaviour on you. He is making excuses for her. He is not stopping her from trying to sabotage your family life.

You need to put a stop to this. If it were me, id have banned her from coming over, let her have all the rants in the world, not answered calls and maybe sent 1 text a day letting her know everyone is fine a child is doing well and not engaging in any other behaviour. At some point she'd have cooled down (might have taken weeks).

You NEED to stand up for yourself. Your partner is anything but supportive. You cant even tell him your taking him away because u fear he will tell his mum? Can you not see how big a part of this problem he is? Im struggling to believe you named yoir baby a name you both didnt agree on.

OP you have your OWN family. Stop being a mug. You're a mother now. You need to stop giving a flying fuck about upsetting other people now. Because you will taint all your memories of your sons furst few months and years with memories of all this bullshit going on.

Tell your MIL you are busy on the weekend and will see them another time. She phones your Dh to rant, he needs to nip it in the bud and say 'WE ARE BUSY, SEE YOU NEXT WEEK'.

She pops over, look her dead in the eye and tell her 'we told you we are busy, we are going out as a family so we will see you NEXT WEEK'.
Let her have her rant. Grab your DS and go for a walk and shove past her if need be.
Stop putting yourselves in positions ro engage with her.

Fml excuse the horrible typos!