Crazy Mother in Law HELP!!

[newmummyx18]

Hi, I apologise in advance for how long this thread is going to be but I am at my wits end and I need to rant because everyone else is sick listening to me..

So I had a beautiful son 5 months ago and when I was pregnant I grew really close with my Mother in Law. I had been having a few ongoing issues with my own mum and wasn't on the best of terms with her whilst pregnant (all issues are now resolved and we are rebuilding our relationship).

My Mother in Law has always been overbearing, she controls everything my partner and I do I.e. tries to dictate how we spend our weekends, demands we book all our weekends away/holidays with her and my father and brother in law - we will be together 6 years this year and have never been away just the two of us because we have always had to go with them!! She ruins every holiday by trying to control it and if nobody wants to do what she does she sulks. She torments her husband who is just her lapdog. Speaks to him like crap and if she falls out with him gets straight on the phone to my partner to tell him everything that has happened with them and this in turn causes huge problems with my partner and his father.

When I found out I was pregnant I was nervous of telling MIL because she had always stated that she didn't want grandchildren and I thought she was going to flip out. She surprisingly took the news better than anyone expected and so my partner and I were really able to get excited about our new bundle because we had her support. But now looking back, as horrible as it sounds. I really wish she had of reacted badly because she has been more overbearing now than she ever has in 5 years!

It started with her insisting upon buying the pram (even though my mum wanted to buy it) I gave in and allowed her to do it because this was her first grandchild and my mum already has 5 grandchildren. This caused a fallout between me and my mum. She wouldn't let us announce our news because she wanted us to wait until a family gathering and do it then. The day of the gathering she then took it upon herself to text everyone before it and tell them our news! I was livid but had to go along with it as my partner said she was just excited and not to hurt her feelings. She dictated what name and religion my child would be. Her and FIL joked how I didn't get to make any decisions and I was just the surrogate.

When my baby came along he was two weeks early due to me having pre eclampsia which I know in my heart I developed due to stress because of the anxiety the woman was giving me. Also because of the fallout caused with myself and my family due to me pushing them away to always do what my partners family wanted. When my partner phoned to say my son had been born she kept on ringing him and giving orders "don't be telling anyone or putting anything on Facebook yet" "send me pictures" "how's everything now" when we were trying to spend time together as a new family. She made my partner come home from hospital after my child was born to take her back to the hospital and I ended up being on my own most of that morning/early afternoon until visiting hours opened for my sister to come and see me. When they eventually did arrive they then stayed till late that night. When my mum came to visit they didn't even have the decency to leave the room for a while so mum and I could talk and so she could see meet my son properly. Also had to ask them to hand him over to her! She cleaned my house for me while I was in hospital which I was extremely grateful for. My house was clean as I had been nesting but messy as I had not expected to go into labour when I did and had not tidied the house that day. And she made sure to let me know everything she had to do to get it back in order. When holding my son she kept going on at everybody to look at her holding him. Took picture after picture when I was exhausted and hadn't even been showered yet after labour due to having an epidural and only being fit to walk when they arrived at the hospital. She then put these pictures on Facebook! Kept calling him "my wee man" was there in my house the night we came home from hospital and stayed until 1am I was absolutely exhausted and just wanted a quiet evening but there they all were! We asked for space the next day his first proper day home and she must have phoned us about 6 times that day all while texting my partner in between times! When she came to visit she would snatch my baby out of my arms from him no matter whether he was feeding, sleeping, crying she would just take him off me even though I had asked her to stop doing it she said "that's just what grandparents do" and continues to do it till this day. I find myself having to walk away when she does it because it makes me so angry and she will make comments to my partner like "what's wrong with her" when she knows fine rightly that it's because she has snatched him off me! She was bringing her friends who I had never met in to see him without asking and just being an utter nightmare! I couldn't even bring myself to pretend to be happy she was there anymore because she was making me feel so miserable and she had started to notice and was saying things to my partner about me behind my back. I was just 3 weeks after having a baby!!

Eventually when she was asking to call in I started asking my partner to say no because I needed space from her and we needed a few days to be a new family without anyone calling and disrupting everything. I also couldn't bear her coming in and taking over and judging me and telling me that everything I was doing was wrong anymore because I was already putting pressure on myself to be a perfect mum - after growing up in foster care and not wanting to turn out like my own mother. This did not go down well! She lost the plot, called me and my partner all the names under the sun. Said we were ungrateful and that we would have nothing without her. Made cruel remarks about the fact I grew up in foster care and just took things too far and made them so personal all because we asked for space! I then refused to see her or speak to her because I was so hurt by her reaction. At first my partner totally understood and supported me. She then started coming in between partner and I. Making herself to be the victim. Saying that I was stopping her bonding with my baby and because of my own issues with my mother I was pushing her away. I didn't speak to her for months because she refused to apologise and also because I had reached out to her and gave her the opportunity to apologise to me by apologising to her for my offstandish attitude towards her but she never bothered to get back to me!. I did not stop her seeing my son I allowed my partner to continue bringing him to see her as much as it made me feel sick. This caused row after row between my partner and I until he eventually said his Mother is not the sort of person who will apologise ever he said that he knows this is not right or justifiable for her actions but I would never achieve anything by continuing to stay fell out with her because she would never apologise and he was the only person getting hurt in the crossfire. Because I love my partner I then let it drop and continued on like nothing had happened. Then all hell broke loose again..

My son is named after his father, I didn't particularly want to call him after him, I stated this from beginning but got so much pressure from my partner and his family - particularly her, that I ended up giving in and going along with it.

My partner and I are from different religious backgrounds, I wanted my son to be christened the same as me because I was already giving him my partners name against my will, again this was an issue, both him and his family put pressure on me and made me feel like I had to do it. I was going along with it but my heart was breaking because I didn't want to. Eventually I told my family (foster family) what was going on and they refused to come to the christening because of how I was being treated and being forced into making decisions about my child that I wasn't happy with and because of the cruel remarks his mum had made about me being in foster care they didn't want to be anywhere near her. Off course this didn't go down well and she lost the plot again. Refused to accept any responsibility and accused me and my parents of using her as an excuse to get out of the christening because of the religion. I had it out with her and told her how I had stated it was nothing to do with religion it was due to her trying to control my life and my family weren't willing to stand back and support that. We then had another fallout for a couple of months and only because Christmas and new year has just passed I have had to see her and speak to and be civil towards her. This is pleasing my partner big time because the whole fallout with her had been causing argument after argument between us and now that I am being civil with her the arguments have stopped. But she's starting to try and be overbearing again by trying to get us to go on holiday next month when I really don't want to spend anymore time with her than I have to for the sake of my partner and son. and I feel like no matter what I do to put my foot down with her and say that this is MY family and she can't throw her dummy out of the pram everytime she doesn't get what she wants or we don't bow to her demands. She still doesn't get it she still tries to control everything meaning she doesn't have any respect for me or my role as head of MY family. I feel sick when she is in my presence, I'm always on edge because she always criticising and judging my blood boils when I see her touching or holding my son, I even feel rage when he smiles at her. I know I sound crazy but I just don't know what to do to get over this? I feel like I need an apology from her for everything that I've done and knowing I'm not going to get one makes me even angrier?? Can anyone give me some advice on what to do to handle this situation? Everyone else says stand up to her but once you do she plays the victim and turns everything round on you. There is no making this woman see sense and I'm losing my mind!! I've been to speak to my doctor and he has put me on medication for anxiety because I can't sleep at night dreading the next day in case she calls and asks can she come and see "her wee man" I just can't cope anymore!

Fuck that, they are taking your motherhood away from you. I honestly think that you would be happier if you divorced and did your own thing.

If she threatens suicide again, call the police and tell them what she is threatening and ask the to do a welfare check. That should embarrass her enough to stop with that attention seeking nonsense!

I think your hubby needs to talk to a professional to see that he has been abused by his mum since childhood and now she is trying to control him as an adult and his family unit. Hopefully if he sees her for what she is, you could work together to go LC or NC.
Stand up to her! Keep us posted

Why do you feel sorry for a man who has threatened to remove your child from you?

I agree. I’m sorry OP but your husband is not a nice man. Nice people simply don’t make threats like that.

I think you and your baby would be much happier without them.

She can come in all she likes but every smart/criticial comment she makes to make me feel uncomfortable will be met with the same sort of comments

Don’t play her game!

Repeat what she said back to her

‘Your holding the baby wrong’
‘I’m holding the baby wrong?

Wait for an answer —— it really puts the ball in her court

Oh dear, this is so wrong. Your husband has threatened to take your baby from you? When does a "nice man" say something like that? That is such a betrayal I really have no words.
If you can find it in yourself to forgive that, your house is YOUR house, people should come when invited only. There are serious boundary issues with your inlaws and it's up to your husband to sort them out, or up to you if you want to put up with it when he doesn't.
It would drive me insane.

I agree with the others - your husband is weak, and sides with his mum because that's what hes been taught - to always let her win for a quiet life because her wishes are always the most important.

He agrees with you when shes not there, and you can bet he agrees with her when YOU'RE not there. The key is who does he side with when you're BOTH there, and the answer is her.

I feel so sorry for you OP she is stealing away what should be the happiest time of your life and making you miserable. LOVE.the suggestion of phoning the police when she threatens suicide.

Now I have my DS I refuse to allow them to control me any longer

Except that you don't actually refuse because apparently there is nothing you can do.

Leave. That's your only solution. And if they threaten you and you stay because of that you are allowing them to control you.

How did your weekend go newmummy

*another20
*
Thanks for asking..

Well we had Saturday to ourselves to chill out and have a family day.

MIL asked could she come to see DS for an hour yesterday so we agreed aslong as she arrived for 4pm as we wanted the evening to ourselves and so DS would still be awake and not getting grouchy which he does in the late evenings when it's nearing bedtime. Off course she didn't arrive until 5.30pm. When she got here DS was playing on his play mat (he is at that age now where he doesn't want to sit on your knee and be cuddled all the tome, likes down to play and stretch his legs). She automatically went to lift him I told her not to as he doesn't like to be held in one place anymore. She responded with "Awwhh I haven't seen him in nearly two weeks I wanted a cuddle" didn't have to react to this as DP stepped in and explained AGAIN that it would be better to leave him on the mat so as not to unsettle him..

About half an hour after they arrived DS started to get grouchy, I picked him up to change him into pyjamas and get him settled to go for a sleep. MIL then made a smart comment about how I shouldn't have lifted him to unsettle him (as this is what we had reiterated to her when she arrived) I said very firmly "I lifted him because he's my son and I can lift him when I like, also because he's getting tired and wants to go to sleep" she asked me how I knew he was tired? I simply said "because I'm his mummy". Again DP backed me up and stated how I am very good at spotting when he is tired early.

She then passed comment about how I was putting DS to sleep and they had only been there for an hour. I simply replied and said "I thought yous were only staying for an hour, also yous were supposed to be here for 4pm as he would have still been in good form at that time, he was getting tired by the time he arrived". To which she had no smart comments. After this there were no more smart comments and she left as soon as DS went to sleep.

Still overbearing and disrespectful towards me but feeling so much better that I'm standing up to her and not allowing her to make me feel this way.

So she turned up 90 minutes late and you still let her in. Given her previous behaviours towards you I am wondering why you are at all bothering with her still. It will do your do no favours at all in the long run to see you as his mother being so disrespected by his nan.

You still have a heck of a way to go.

Also I would be seriously considering your whole future in this relationship given your partners behaviours towards you as well. The old adage “like mother like son” comes to mind here and his mother is certainly toxic. He l would say too, at the very least he is mired in his own fear, obligation and guilt.

*Attilathemeerkat
*
Yes we still let her in. She is an extremely confrontational person and we did not want an argument breaking out with neighbours around and a child in the house.

As stated previously DP clearly loves his mother and isn't willing to give up his relationship with her. Having grown up with no relationship with my biological mother and knowing how hard this is on me I would never put him in the same situation. He knows my feelings on how toxic I think she is and how unhealthy I feel their relationship is but until he realises it all for himself there is nothing I can do other than support him. Maybe that makes me foolish but I don't blame him for the way that his mother is.

Yes things that are totally unacceptable and unjustifiable have been said in arguments and in the heat of the moment but DP has made it clear that any threats he made were just in temper an she would never follow through on such things.

Standing up for me and going against his mothers word is something that he has always struggled with, I was pleased when he supported me last night to me it was a step in the right direction.

I can handle MILs criticism and negativity as long as I have DPs support when I tell her no or go against her word.

Yes we still have a long way to go but this was my first altercation with her in two weeks after not allowing her to come due to her overbearing behaviour and DP always taking her side.

Also DP knows that if he doesn't support me and the behaviour continues I will cut all contact completely.

With DPs support MIL will soon realise she can't come between us and that as much as he loves and respects her, when it comes to our son I have the final say on all things as I am his mother.

Once she knows DP is standing with me I have every faith that she will soon back down.

My DS deserves to have two sets of grandparents in his life. My FIL deserves to see his GC as he hasn't done anything wrong. And no matter what I may think of the woman I know that she will only ever spoil my son.

I also have no intentions of ever leaving my son with her. There is no reason to. She still works Monday-Friday so when I return to work my son will go to my parents house and when I'm off work that is our time together as a family. I do feel when I return to work she will be able to try and control and dictate less as every day that I have off I will have already made plans and therefore it will be easier to say no to her.

DP and I are saving for a summer holiday and plan to book it without telling anyone so that she can't involve herself in any of that.

There are small steps and changes being made and if we want to go about them in a way that isn't going to cause her to go off on one every single time then that is our right as it isn't worth the aggro that she causes to my DP and to our relationship.

So if she turns up again 90 minutes late next time you're still going to let her in. She uses you being nice and not confronting her to get away with her behaviours. She is walking all over you and in turn her son who has also said very nasty things about you in the past too. He for his part has sided with his mother out of self preservation and want of a quiet life; he is truly a weak individual.

Where are your boundaries here, they seem so very weak still.

Having now reread the entire thread I am wondering why you are with this man at all given what he said. What do you get out of this relationship with him?. He has said something that cannot be easily if at all forgiven given your own childhood. They have tried to use that against you (their claims would have no foundation at all).

I can't believe you are still with your DP. He has no respect for you. Just wants an easy life. The things he has said are unforgivable and abusive.

why are you answering the phone to her?

why are you oopening the door to her?

when she says we're gping to london/whatever holiday - you say no I/dc are not...

whtever picture you have in your head of your DC needing grandparents in their lives is wrong..... THey need people who respect them and their family.....

This maybe related to what happened to you as a child, I woudl recommend you have some support whther through councelling - your gp should be able to help you access that- to think about the impact that may have made on you - its sounds like even though you know its wrong you are not getting teh freedom to be an adult parent yourself...its your turn now...

You really should not be getting your family to intervene with dp family ....that is not a good idea you're a grown woman with your own child you dont need any of that crap..... Just cos she turns up doesnt mean you have to let her in...

@averythinline OP didn't get her family to intervene with DP family. You've misread that. OP's family spoke to her DP about the situation not his family.

OP I think you are missing something here when you say that your FIL has done nothing wrong.

He has, you know.

He has enabled your MIL's behaviour for your DP's whole life. He is still doing it, and now he is sitting back and watching her efforts to abuse and intimidate you as well.

*Shewholikeslipstick
*
Thanks for clearing that up for me. As you said I did not get my family to intervene with DPs family I asked them to speak to DP because I needed support and as my parents are foster carers in my eyes there were no two better people to get to listen and understand from everyone's point of view...

In regards to being weak because I'm still allowing her to have contact...
I actually think it takes someone quite strong to be the bigger person and allow someone who has caused so much hurt and drama a second chance.

No she didn't stick to what we asked her to do, but DP made it very clear when she rang to say she was going to be late that it was ok this time but from now on to try and come at the times we ask because we set those times for reasons..

The things that were said by DP were said weeks ago. As I have said a couple of times now.. DP and I are trying to put all the nasty things that were said behind us in order to provide a stable home for my son.

What is the other option.. Leave and then she has won? Because it would be separate lives from here on out if I chose to leave DP would move back home and then she sees my son more than what she does now, meaning she has more influence in his life?

To be perfectly honest I don't want to leave my DP as I've said before apart from the issues with his mum everything else in our 5 year relationship has been fine and things have never been this bad. I came to this group for advice on how to handle the situation and what to do for the best in my relationship.

I feel like last night was a step in the right direction. Yes she was late. DP talked to her about that. And all the smart comments that she made when I answered DP defended me which he has never done up until now! Small changes will make the biggest difference in my eyes. We are in for a long road ahead of us to make it clear to this woman she can't control us and will be told no to all holidays/weekends away unless we actually want to do them. She has been told no to London and has not asked about it again. I am trying to make all the changes in suggested in a way that is not going to constantly cause world war 3 and I really don't think that makes me weak!

I think you sound strong in what you did as you are re-training her! You let her in but then dictated everything in your terms. You explained the situation calmly and clearly so she didn’t have a leg to stand on. Carry on like this and you may have a compliant mil and supportive partner which actually must be the ideal goal in the long run. If not LC with her. Good luck and well done.

....sorry did misread the bit about your family...... hope your DP manages to maintain his priorities and it workds out for you...

"In regards to being weak because I'm still allowing her to have contact...
I actually think it takes someone quite strong to be the bigger person and allow someone who has caused so much hurt and drama a second chance".

Such people like his mother however, do not deserve second chances. She sees you as weak and ripe for manipulation. Your mistake here is applying the "normal" rules of familial relations to people who are dysfunctional and do not respect boundaries. Your partner's father is well and truly his wife's enabler too.

Your man may well want to maintain a relationship with his parents but that does not mean that you or for that matter your child meekly have to do so as well.

Any boundary you care to set these people will be overstepped with your DP perhaps continuing also to do his bit to maintain an easy life for himself. You are still in for a rough ride here at their hands.

Would you have tolerated this from a friend, I dare say you would not have done. Why would it not be ok for a friend to do this but when it comes to his mother it is seemingly ok?. His mother is no different.