Hi, I apologise in advance for how long this thread is going to be but I am at my wits end and I need to rant because everyone else is sick listening to me..
So I had a beautiful son 5 months ago and when I was pregnant I grew really close with my Mother in Law. I had been having a few ongoing issues with my own mum and wasn't on the best of terms with her whilst pregnant (all issues are now resolved and we are rebuilding our relationship).
My Mother in Law has always been overbearing, she controls everything my partner and I do I.e. tries to dictate how we spend our weekends, demands we book all our weekends away/holidays with her and my father and brother in law - we will be together 6 years this year and have never been away just the two of us because we have always had to go with them!! She ruins every holiday by trying to control it and if nobody wants to do what she does she sulks. She torments her husband who is just her lapdog. Speaks to him like crap and if she falls out with him gets straight on the phone to my partner to tell him everything that has happened with them and this in turn causes huge problems with my partner and his father.
When I found out I was pregnant I was nervous of telling MIL because she had always stated that she didn't want grandchildren and I thought she was going to flip out. She surprisingly took the news better than anyone expected and so my partner and I were really able to get excited about our new bundle because we had her support. But now looking back, as horrible as it sounds. I really wish she had of reacted badly because she has been more overbearing now than she ever has in 5 years!
It started with her insisting upon buying the pram (even though my mum wanted to buy it) I gave in and allowed her to do it because this was her first grandchild and my mum already has 5 grandchildren. This caused a fallout between me and my mum. She wouldn't let us announce our news because she wanted us to wait until a family gathering and do it then. The day of the gathering she then took it upon herself to text everyone before it and tell them our news! I was livid but had to go along with it as my partner said she was just excited and not to hurt her feelings. She dictated what name and religion my child would be. Her and FIL joked how I didn't get to make any decisions and I was just the surrogate.
When my baby came along he was two weeks early due to me having pre eclampsia which I know in my heart I developed due to stress because of the anxiety the woman was giving me. Also because of the fallout caused with myself and my family due to me pushing them away to always do what my partners family wanted. When my partner phoned to say my son had been born she kept on ringing him and giving orders "don't be telling anyone or putting anything on Facebook yet" "send me pictures" "how's everything now" when we were trying to spend time together as a new family. She made my partner come home from hospital after my child was born to take her back to the hospital and I ended up being on my own most of that morning/early afternoon until visiting hours opened for my sister to come and see me. When they eventually did arrive they then stayed till late that night. When my mum came to visit they didn't even have the decency to leave the room for a while so mum and I could talk and so she could see meet my son properly. Also had to ask them to hand him over to her! She cleaned my house for me while I was in hospital which I was extremely grateful for. My house was clean as I had been nesting but messy as I had not expected to go into labour when I did and had not tidied the house that day. And she made sure to let me know everything she had to do to get it back in order. When holding my son she kept going on at everybody to look at her holding him. Took picture after picture when I was exhausted and hadn't even been showered yet after labour due to having an epidural and only being fit to walk when they arrived at the hospital. She then put these pictures on Facebook! Kept calling him "my wee man" was there in my house the night we came home from hospital and stayed until 1am I was absolutely exhausted and just wanted a quiet evening but there they all were! We asked for space the next day his first proper day home and she must have phoned us about 6 times that day all while texting my partner in between times! When she came to visit she would snatch my baby out of my arms from him no matter whether he was feeding, sleeping, crying she would just take him off me even though I had asked her to stop doing it she said "that's just what grandparents do" and continues to do it till this day. I find myself having to walk away when she does it because it makes me so angry and she will make comments to my partner like "what's wrong with her" when she knows fine rightly that it's because she has snatched him off me! She was bringing her friends who I had never met in to see him without asking and just being an utter nightmare! I couldn't even bring myself to pretend to be happy she was there anymore because she was making me feel so miserable and she had started to notice and was saying things to my partner about me behind my back. I was just 3 weeks after having a baby!!
Eventually when she was asking to call in I started asking my partner to say no because I needed space from her and we needed a few days to be a new family without anyone calling and disrupting everything. I also couldn't bear her coming in and taking over and judging me and telling me that everything I was doing was wrong anymore because I was already putting pressure on myself to be a perfect mum - after growing up in foster care and not wanting to turn out like my own mother. This did not go down well! She lost the plot, called me and my partner all the names under the sun. Said we were ungrateful and that we would have nothing without her. Made cruel remarks about the fact I grew up in foster care and just took things too far and made them so personal all because we asked for space! I then refused to see her or speak to her because I was so hurt by her reaction. At first my partner totally understood and supported me. She then started coming in between partner and I. Making herself to be the victim. Saying that I was stopping her bonding with my baby and because of my own issues with my mother I was pushing her away. I didn't speak to her for months because she refused to apologise and also because I had reached out to her and gave her the opportunity to apologise to me by apologising to her for my offstandish attitude towards her but she never bothered to get back to me!. I did not stop her seeing my son I allowed my partner to continue bringing him to see her as much as it made me feel sick. This caused row after row between my partner and I until he eventually said his Mother is not the sort of person who will apologise ever he said that he knows this is not right or justifiable for her actions but I would never achieve anything by continuing to stay fell out with her because she would never apologise and he was the only person getting hurt in the crossfire. Because I love my partner I then let it drop and continued on like nothing had happened. Then all hell broke loose again..
My son is named after his father, I didn't particularly want to call him after him, I stated this from beginning but got so much pressure from my partner and his family - particularly her, that I ended up giving in and going along with it.
My partner and I are from different religious backgrounds, I wanted my son to be christened the same as me because I was already giving him my partners name against my will, again this was an issue, both him and his family put pressure on me and made me feel like I had to do it. I was going along with it but my heart was breaking because I didn't want to. Eventually I told my family (foster family) what was going on and they refused to come to the christening because of how I was being treated and being forced into making decisions about my child that I wasn't happy with and because of the cruel remarks his mum had made about me being in foster care they didn't want to be anywhere near her. Off course this didn't go down well and she lost the plot again. Refused to accept any responsibility and accused me and my parents of using her as an excuse to get out of the christening because of the religion. I had it out with her and told her how I had stated it was nothing to do with religion it was due to her trying to control my life and my family weren't willing to stand back and support that. We then had another fallout for a couple of months and only because Christmas and new year has just passed I have had to see her and speak to and be civil towards her. This is pleasing my partner big time because the whole fallout with her had been causing argument after argument between us and now that I am being civil with her the arguments have stopped. But she's starting to try and be overbearing again by trying to get us to go on holiday next month when I really don't want to spend anymore time with her than I have to for the sake of my partner and son. and I feel like no matter what I do to put my foot down with her and say that this is MY family and she can't throw her dummy out of the pram everytime she doesn't get what she wants or we don't bow to her demands. She still doesn't get it she still tries to control everything meaning she doesn't have any respect for me or my role as head of MY family. I feel sick when she is in my presence, I'm always on edge because she always criticising and judging my blood boils when I see her touching or holding my son, I even feel rage when he smiles at her. I know I sound crazy but I just don't know what to do to get over this? I feel like I need an apology from her for everything that I've done and knowing I'm not going to get one makes me even angrier?? Can anyone give me some advice on what to do to handle this situation? Everyone else says stand up to her but once you do she plays the victim and turns everything round on you. There is no making this woman see sense and I'm losing my mind!! I've been to speak to my doctor and he has put me on medication for anxiety because I can't sleep at night dreading the next day in case she calls and asks can she come and see "her wee man" I just can't cope anymore!