Crazy Mother in Law HELP!!

[newmummyx18]

Hi, I apologise in advance for how long this thread is going to be but I am at my wits end and I need to rant because everyone else is sick listening to me..

So I had a beautiful son 5 months ago and when I was pregnant I grew really close with my Mother in Law. I had been having a few ongoing issues with my own mum and wasn't on the best of terms with her whilst pregnant (all issues are now resolved and we are rebuilding our relationship).

My Mother in Law has always been overbearing, she controls everything my partner and I do I.e. tries to dictate how we spend our weekends, demands we book all our weekends away/holidays with her and my father and brother in law - we will be together 6 years this year and have never been away just the two of us because we have always had to go with them!! She ruins every holiday by trying to control it and if nobody wants to do what she does she sulks. She torments her husband who is just her lapdog. Speaks to him like crap and if she falls out with him gets straight on the phone to my partner to tell him everything that has happened with them and this in turn causes huge problems with my partner and his father.

When I found out I was pregnant I was nervous of telling MIL because she had always stated that she didn't want grandchildren and I thought she was going to flip out. She surprisingly took the news better than anyone expected and so my partner and I were really able to get excited about our new bundle because we had her support. But now looking back, as horrible as it sounds. I really wish she had of reacted badly because she has been more overbearing now than she ever has in 5 years!

It started with her insisting upon buying the pram (even though my mum wanted to buy it) I gave in and allowed her to do it because this was her first grandchild and my mum already has 5 grandchildren. This caused a fallout between me and my mum. She wouldn't let us announce our news because she wanted us to wait until a family gathering and do it then. The day of the gathering she then took it upon herself to text everyone before it and tell them our news! I was livid but had to go along with it as my partner said she was just excited and not to hurt her feelings. She dictated what name and religion my child would be. Her and FIL joked how I didn't get to make any decisions and I was just the surrogate.

When my baby came along he was two weeks early due to me having pre eclampsia which I know in my heart I developed due to stress because of the anxiety the woman was giving me. Also because of the fallout caused with myself and my family due to me pushing them away to always do what my partners family wanted. When my partner phoned to say my son had been born she kept on ringing him and giving orders "don't be telling anyone or putting anything on Facebook yet" "send me pictures" "how's everything now" when we were trying to spend time together as a new family. She made my partner come home from hospital after my child was born to take her back to the hospital and I ended up being on my own most of that morning/early afternoon until visiting hours opened for my sister to come and see me. When they eventually did arrive they then stayed till late that night. When my mum came to visit they didn't even have the decency to leave the room for a while so mum and I could talk and so she could see meet my son properly. Also had to ask them to hand him over to her! She cleaned my house for me while I was in hospital which I was extremely grateful for. My house was clean as I had been nesting but messy as I had not expected to go into labour when I did and had not tidied the house that day. And she made sure to let me know everything she had to do to get it back in order. When holding my son she kept going on at everybody to look at her holding him. Took picture after picture when I was exhausted and hadn't even been showered yet after labour due to having an epidural and only being fit to walk when they arrived at the hospital. She then put these pictures on Facebook! Kept calling him "my wee man" was there in my house the night we came home from hospital and stayed until 1am I was absolutely exhausted and just wanted a quiet evening but there they all were! We asked for space the next day his first proper day home and she must have phoned us about 6 times that day all while texting my partner in between times! When she came to visit she would snatch my baby out of my arms from him no matter whether he was feeding, sleeping, crying she would just take him off me even though I had asked her to stop doing it she said "that's just what grandparents do" and continues to do it till this day. I find myself having to walk away when she does it because it makes me so angry and she will make comments to my partner like "what's wrong with her" when she knows fine rightly that it's because she has snatched him off me! She was bringing her friends who I had never met in to see him without asking and just being an utter nightmare! I couldn't even bring myself to pretend to be happy she was there anymore because she was making me feel so miserable and she had started to notice and was saying things to my partner about me behind my back. I was just 3 weeks after having a baby!!

Eventually when she was asking to call in I started asking my partner to say no because I needed space from her and we needed a few days to be a new family without anyone calling and disrupting everything. I also couldn't bear her coming in and taking over and judging me and telling me that everything I was doing was wrong anymore because I was already putting pressure on myself to be a perfect mum - after growing up in foster care and not wanting to turn out like my own mother. This did not go down well! She lost the plot, called me and my partner all the names under the sun. Said we were ungrateful and that we would have nothing without her. Made cruel remarks about the fact I grew up in foster care and just took things too far and made them so personal all because we asked for space! I then refused to see her or speak to her because I was so hurt by her reaction. At first my partner totally understood and supported me. She then started coming in between partner and I. Making herself to be the victim. Saying that I was stopping her bonding with my baby and because of my own issues with my mother I was pushing her away. I didn't speak to her for months because she refused to apologise and also because I had reached out to her and gave her the opportunity to apologise to me by apologising to her for my offstandish attitude towards her but she never bothered to get back to me!. I did not stop her seeing my son I allowed my partner to continue bringing him to see her as much as it made me feel sick. This caused row after row between my partner and I until he eventually said his Mother is not the sort of person who will apologise ever he said that he knows this is not right or justifiable for her actions but I would never achieve anything by continuing to stay fell out with her because she would never apologise and he was the only person getting hurt in the crossfire. Because I love my partner I then let it drop and continued on like nothing had happened. Then all hell broke loose again..

My son is named after his father, I didn't particularly want to call him after him, I stated this from beginning but got so much pressure from my partner and his family - particularly her, that I ended up giving in and going along with it.

My partner and I are from different religious backgrounds, I wanted my son to be christened the same as me because I was already giving him my partners name against my will, again this was an issue, both him and his family put pressure on me and made me feel like I had to do it. I was going along with it but my heart was breaking because I didn't want to. Eventually I told my family (foster family) what was going on and they refused to come to the christening because of how I was being treated and being forced into making decisions about my child that I wasn't happy with and because of the cruel remarks his mum had made about me being in foster care they didn't want to be anywhere near her. Off course this didn't go down well and she lost the plot again. Refused to accept any responsibility and accused me and my parents of using her as an excuse to get out of the christening because of the religion. I had it out with her and told her how I had stated it was nothing to do with religion it was due to her trying to control my life and my family weren't willing to stand back and support that. We then had another fallout for a couple of months and only because Christmas and new year has just passed I have had to see her and speak to and be civil towards her. This is pleasing my partner big time because the whole fallout with her had been causing argument after argument between us and now that I am being civil with her the arguments have stopped. But she's starting to try and be overbearing again by trying to get us to go on holiday next month when I really don't want to spend anymore time with her than I have to for the sake of my partner and son. and I feel like no matter what I do to put my foot down with her and say that this is MY family and she can't throw her dummy out of the pram everytime she doesn't get what she wants or we don't bow to her demands. She still doesn't get it she still tries to control everything meaning she doesn't have any respect for me or my role as head of MY family. I feel sick when she is in my presence, I'm always on edge because she always criticising and judging my blood boils when I see her touching or holding my son, I even feel rage when he smiles at her. I know I sound crazy but I just don't know what to do to get over this? I feel like I need an apology from her for everything that I've done and knowing I'm not going to get one makes me even angrier?? Can anyone give me some advice on what to do to handle this situation? Everyone else says stand up to her but once you do she plays the victim and turns everything round on you. There is no making this woman see sense and I'm losing my mind!! I've been to speak to my doctor and he has put me on medication for anxiety because I can't sleep at night dreading the next day in case she calls and asks can she come and see "her wee man" I just can't cope anymore!

Wow the fact that your DP (I now have to take the D out) is holding your childhood in foster care and anxiety against you is disgusting. What a nasty piece of work he is. The fact that you grew up in foster care will hold no weight with him trying to get custody of your son, neither will their claim about your "mental health issues". I have a friend who wants full custody of his son. Long story short his DS's mother has serious, documented MHI, is in intensive therapy and lives in squalor. He on the other hand is a very level headed, hard working man who works for himself, has a nice house and who loves his DS very much. The courts are only just now (2.5 years down the line) agreeing to let him see his son more than 1 night a week because they believe strongly that a child's place is with their mother so although on paper you would think they would place his son with him they keep ruling on her side. Their claims are all bullshit, don't fall for it, they are using your love for your son to control you. Wankers .

Block her number and on any social media , tell 'D'P that you won't be seeing her again and she isn't to be in the house at any time.
Then make him pick you or her.
Be prepared for him to pick her.
Don't give in, mean everything you say and move forward.
This isn't going to get better until the woman is out of your life.

*Karigan195
*
Have tried all of that! Have even suggested (as much as it makes me feel sick) that she can take him for a few hours every weekend so that we can spend sometime together on our own, that way I don't see her with him and can't be accused of stopping her bonding etc. But this isn't good enough either as she is always too busy for that and just either wants to come here or us to bring baby to her on HER terms. I know she is only being difficult because it was my suggestion to say that! Anything that comes out of my mouth is not valued as important.

Also if I tell DP to take DS to see her alone that is an issue aswell, she accuses me of avoiding her and wanting to start drama. I just can't win no matter what I try to do?

*RivanQueen
*
Thanks so much for that, that has made me feel so much better. 🙈

The things that have been said to me regarding my childhood/growing up in foster care are disgusting and I'm finding them very hard to let go of.

When I was 17 I struggled a lot with the abuse I endured when I was a child and all of my emotions came to the surface. Due to this I hit the self destruct button, turned to drink and my relationship with my foster family temporarily fell apart. As I was drinking and coming home in terrible states, social services asked me to leave the home as it wasn't fair on other foster children living there because they had been taken out of homes where drink/drugs had been heavily used.

DP and MIL hold this against me all the time saying the social services would see this information on my file and that alone would be enough for me to lose custody of my DS?

It's not a matter of fault or blame but a matter of recognising behaviour as communication. By bowing down to them for years you have been communicating that they can control you. You have pulled back a little but not completely. You talked in your OP about the possibility of going on holiday with them this year. Everyone should be absolutely clear now what your boundaries are. By even suggesting it your husband is communicating that he can't or won't respect your boundaries but he will and does place his mother's affection and wants over both yours and your child's. My point is that you actually have some power and you need to use it. You have choices - you can give an ultimatum to husband, you can move away, you can separate. But carrying on as you are will only lead to your self-esteem and status as a parent and a wife being shattered.

And any husband who threatens his wife with the removal of her children is abusive. He is abusing you. They are abusing you.

You need to protect yourself and your child.

You need to accept that it's never going to matter what you do. Unless you cow-tow to this woman's every petulant demand you are never going to "win" (and even then you probably won't because she will move the goal posts and kick off because she's changed her mind about whatever it is and now you aren't falling into line with that).
You need to decide whether you will:
a) put up with things as they are and try to let it all just wash over you without affecting you. Or
b) put your foot down. Stick to your decisions and know that she is going to rant and rave and that your P is going to take her side because he has proved time and again that his allegiance is to his mother and not to you.
There is option C. Leave. Take your son and get out of this relationship. Speak to a lawyer. Find out what your rights are and what you would be entitled to. You will still need to deal with the ranting and raving, name calling and toxic bullshit from them but it will be from a distance and you wouldn't have to see this vile woman ever again.

Totally agree with Rivan. In addition to a solicitor , contact Women's Aid. If housing is an issue they may be able to help, and they can definitely help with advice and support with regards to your rights.

And insist on all communication from MIL to you be as text or e-mail. Do not engage in conversation. You may need evidence of harassment.

Perhaps you need to go to relationship counselling so DP can hear it from someone else that his DM is being v unreasonable. See if you can talk to the health visitor about your issues - even if he/she cannot so much about it, they might be able to give u some confidence about your parenting and you would also be able to show that you were engaging with services and they had no concerns (if it did come to custody battle)

I have spoken with my Health Visitor/Doctor because I wanted some sort of professional to be aware of the whole situation just in case things do get dirty.

Since my family's intervention my relationship with DP has gotten better and he knows what the consequences will be should he keep putting MIL above me. But it's like MIL can sense things have got better with us and is now piling pressure on about a holiday (even though myself and DP have both said no) because she knows it will cause another argument?

The thing that I'm struggling with is that I'm still stuck in the past and hurt with everything that has been said/done by MIL and I feel like I will never get past it or be able to form any sort of relationship with her unless she apologises? Which she is refusing to do because she doesn't see what she has done wrong?!

My family (foster family but just family to me) have been hurt by her too because she makes comments about how they aren't really DS grandparents because they aren't blood and because of this she feels like she should be involved in DS life more than them?!

She even falls out with DP if she finds out we are spending time with my family and not her!

I know my DP has NOT helped the situation in anyway but I feel sorry for him because when he has tried to stand up and defend me she has just shot him back down and made him feel wrong for doing that!

Fucking hell im stressed reading this.
Your husband needs to stand up to her and have your back.
Don't go on holiday for fuck sake..keep contact to a minimum
Having it forced on you cause she Had it forced on her? Nope, I'd say time to break the chain.

I know I need to leave but the threats I have been given if I do are what stops me

Who is threatening you? What are they threatening to do? This is very serious.

You need to spell it out exceptionally clearly for your DP. Give him an ultimatum but be prepared to follow through. He has been letting you down spectacularly. He allowed his mother to stay until 1am the day you can home from hospital? That's appalling. And then to scream and shout at you, calling you names when you object? He is behaving really badly and he needs to pull his head out of his arse, sort himself out and be a good father and partner.

He needs to set clear boundaries with his mother. On days where you are not seeing her, he needs to stop answering the calls and reading the texts. She can't make him answer; that's his choice. He needs to tell her firmly NO regarding the holiday and then not get involved in any further discussion. If she brings it up, he needs to simply repeat "we are not coming to London. We cannot afford it/want to spend time as a family of three". When she brings over friends you don't know, he needs to say "this isn't a good time for visitors, especially ones we don't know" (yes it will feel rude, but you need to make her feel uncomfortable to drive the point home). When she throws a tantrum he needs to say "sorry you feel that way. We'll talk when you get over it".

She will be mad as hell. She will scream and shout. She will turn up unannounced (don't answer the door). She will tell everyone how unreasonable you both are. But, like a toddler throwing a tantrum, she will eventually come to realise that if she wants to have a relationship with you, your DP and your DC, it will be on your terms (you and DP's) and NOT hers. If she doesn't get her head around this then the only option really is to go very low contact.

Essentially, it's on your DP to do the right thing by his family. His obligations are to the two of you, not his mother.

I really feel for you op, this woman sounds utterly vile and will never change or acknowledge her behaviour.

Is there any way that you can go nc with her? I would imagine that your dp wouldn't be on board with this so, as a previous pp said, it may be ultimatum time.

Fwiw, my abusive exh threatened me with getting full custody of my ds because of my mh problems. My solicitor laughed at this because his family are toxic and wouldn't stand a chance in hell. If they say this again, ask them where they've got that information from? Watch them crumble because they're talking bollocks.
Good luck

Wow, your MIL certainly does behave in a challenging way.

Personally, I would look up some of the advice given to people who have parents with BPD. Not saying your MIL has this, but some of the techniques of dealing with people who have BPD may really really help you. I just find some of the techniques de-escalate situations and help avoid conflict with combative or explosive people.

My family (foster family but just family to me) have been hurt by her too because she makes comments about how they aren't really DS grandparents because they aren't blood and because of this she feels like she should be involved in DS life more than them?!

That is just disgusting.
It's so unfair ur partner and MIL bring up your childhood. It's nothing to be ashamed of, be proud u are a good mother to ur DS.

I have no advice sounds like MIL will be unhappy with whatever u say/do.

I can't gauge whether you just want completely out and away from DH, or whether you just want LC with MIL. I'm not 100% sure you've decided yet either.

So assuming you want to to strengthen the relationship within your own little family. I agree with a PP, you need to disappear and have at least a small mini break (without any phones or media handy) with just the 3 of you. Start investing in yourselves so DP will start to develop the strength to keep her at a comfortable distance.

If not, I agree with another PP, get advise from women's aid, start to get everything in order, copies of bank statements etc. and start to document everything, get a little notebook to jot down the evidence and stay strong, they can not hold your past against you, it was a long time ago and the courts will look at what is best now.

Good luck.

Why do you feel sorry for a man who has threatened to remove your child from you?

Thanks everyone for all the advice. Just ranting about all of this on here has relieved a lot of my anxiety.

DPs birthday is coming up in March and I have booked a weekend away for the three of us in April. Haven't even told my DP about it yet as I'm going to keep it as a surprise so that he can't tell his mum and she can't try and talk us out of it or book on and try and take over.

I feel sorry for him because apart from his mum, there have never been any issues in our relationship and he is a very loving, caring partner when we aren't fighting over her. I feel sorry for him because she has him so brainwashed into believing that it's his fault she is the way she is there is no talking to him. But like I have already said, since my family intervened things have gotten better with myself and DP.

In regards to what it is I want to do, I want my child to grow up in a loving, caring home with two parents who would do anything for him. My DP is a great father to DS and I want him in his life. I also know that MIL loves DS a lot hence the overbearing behaviour.

What I want is for my DS to have both sets of GPs in his life and have great relationships with both. (Can't really fault FIL, MIL treats him worse than she does anyone else, believe it or not!!) to be able to spend a weekend at home with no visitors without her ringing every single day trying to dictate that we go to her or she comes to see us, then the weekend being ruined because she is guilt tripping DP that she misses him and DS. (She only lives 10 minutes from us we aren't hours away) I want to be able to decide that we are going on a weekend away/summer holiday without having her guilt trip us and making us feel bad for going somewhere without her. I want to be able to call to see them without being criticised or told I'm doing something wrong. I want to buy my baby the things I want to buy him without being questioned as to why I done it or being told not to get it because MIL wants to! I want my DP to continue having a relationship with his mum as it obviously means so much to him but I don't want to have to have the same level of contact unless she changes her attitude towards me!

Most of all I want to feel happy. And not waking up every single day scared in case she rings to say she is calling in and if we say no an argument breaking out. Or scared that my son is going to be taken off me.

I don't want to be that woman who stops DP seeing his family I know how hard it is to grow up and not have a relationship with your mother.

I just don't want to have answer to her every single day. Or every time I'm in her company feel sick with anxiety in case she says something to criticise me. Before I go to see her I actually put fresh clothes right down to a vest on my DS because if there was a slight mark/stain on him she would ask why?!

I'm a 25 year old woman who is fully capable of making my own decisions. I have been living on my own since I was 17 after all but I just feel like she isn't giving me any breathing space whatsoever.

The saddest part about it all is I really bonded with her when pregnant, as much as she was overbearing about certain things she acted like she would be so understanding to everything I wanted to do with my new family and my parenting style and I was in for such a rude awakening! I clearly stated when pregnant that I would be annoyed if ANYBODY came into the house and took DC from arms and she agreed that would annoy her too, but that's all she does?!?! I told her how much I couldn't wait to get home from hospital and have our first night as a family of three (four including our little cat) and there they were, waiting outside our house when we got home?!

Your son won't be taken off you, put that out of your head! As a pp said, ss hasn't taken a child who's mother has got major addiction problems, so they're not going to take your child. She's getting in your head to make you tow the line, please don't fall for their bullshit 😡

*What I want is for my DS to have both sets of GPs in his life and have great relationships with both. (Can't really fault FIL, MIL treats him worse than she does anyone else, believe it or not!!) to be able to spend a weekend at home with no visitors without her ringing every single day trying to dictate that we go to her or she comes to see us, then the weekend being ruined because she is guilt tripping DP that she misses him and DS. (She only lives 10 minutes from us we aren't hours away) I want to be able to decide that we are going on a weekend away/summer holiday without having her guilt trip us and making us feel bad for going somewhere without her. I want to be able to call to see them without being criticised or told I'm doing something wrong. I want to buy my baby the things I want to buy him without being questioned as to why I done it or being told not to get it because MIL wants to! I want my DP to continue having a relationship with his mum as it obviously means so much to him but I don't want to have to have the same level of contact unless she changes her attitude towards me!

Most of all I want to feel happy. And not waking up every single day scared in case she rings to say she is calling in and if we say no an argument breaking out. Or scared that my son is going to be taken off me*

This is a good paragraph, I think you needed to write it and hope you feel better for having done so.

I also think you need to share this with DP.

I hope the weekend away goes well. Maybe start to try and build family time into your weekends that don't include MIL. Start doing things spontaneously, give DP times away from her that he really enjoys so he can develop the strength he needs.

Really good luck

why did my bolding not work?

DP and his mother have both threatened that if I leave they will go for full custody and state that they will get it as I grew up in foster care and have mental health issues.

They are both abusive - and given that they have both claimed to be suicidal to get their own way they obviously have serious MH issues

even though myself and DP have both said no) because she knows it will cause another argument?

You need to agree with DH that you won’t fall out over MIL - you both need to set up your own ‘rules’

Example - Sunday is family day - no calls visits etc
Holidays will be the three of you for the foreseeable future - unless both of you agree it would be a good idea - special occasion
If you are criticised by her - you and the baby will leave immediately - every time

Stick with it

And advise regarding DH - Choi’s rumour words ‘I’m upset because of X, I’m hurt because of Y, I don’t want to do Z because’

And to MIL ‘WE’ don’t want to do X WE are going out shortly etc etc

Stand united and she’ll give up