I don’t want a wedding like this

[Nc2201]

Nc for this as worried it’s outing.
I am getting married in 8 months. Date set, venue booked, we have paid about a third of the costs. The rest is due in about 4 months. It’s not a crazy expensive wedding but will cost between 10 and 15k all told, which for me is pretty expensive but I’m told it’s not these days, but that’s possibly beside the point.
I don’t want this type of wedding anymore. Actually I never did— I hate being the centre of attention, I don’t have a massive circle of friends and while I was so happy at the thought of marrying dp, I never really wanted/needed a big ceremony. I also didn’t want to spend a lot on one day because I’ve only just managed to build a little savings pot and we are saving so hard for a house deposit which is going to take years as it is. Not to mention the fact that I need to change jobs this year as I made a mistake about a year ago and have ended up with awful depression and anxiety at my current job— I will not earn this much again if I change jobs which to be honest doesn’t matter to me if it wasn’t for this constant worry about saving so much extra for the wedding. I grew up really poor, am often preoccupied about money and I don’t know why I ever agreed to do the whole big wedding thing.
I feel like I am making this all about money but it really isn’t. If I’d dreamed about this day and was super excited about it I’m sure it would be worth the money but I just don’t enjoy weddings, and I don’t want to be a bride. I can’t bring myself to look at nice dresses, think about readings or menus or first dances. I know I should have said all this before we paid the first bit but dp said it was very important to him to have a traditional big wedding and I got caught up in his excitement. But that was months ago and I haven’t done a bit of planning, I just don’t want to do it. Today I felt so down about the planning and the money and I realised I just don’t want to have this big wedding. I want to marry dp but I don’t want to do it like that. If it was a very small (immediate family only) intimate ceremony with our stamp on it, and felt like a manageable cost— but what we have planned is nothing like that.
What do I do? I feel like such a bitch, that dp will be so upset and I’m being selfish and should go along with this. But I just don’t want it. I really don’t want that day.
Please someone talk sense to me. Everyone irl just laughs and says I’m nervous or ill get into it nearer the time.
Help

Presumably as it's months away you haven't sent out invitations yet?

Talk to your fiancé. Explain to him just what you've put here and tone everything right down. Close family and friends only. You don't need to cancel your current plans if you'll lose huge deposits, just halve the guest list, have simple cake, dress simply. Make it about you two. All go home after the wedding breakfast instead of making a night of it.
Surround yourself with the few people you really love.
Good luck

You know what you like/want. I hated the thought of being at the centre of a big traditional wedding so I didn’t have one. You need to say how you are going welding now is so that you have time to comeback up with an alternative that suits you both.

Sorry typos

Have the day you both want, which may mean you both have to compromise a bit.

Scale it back to a level where you will be comfortable. You don't have to to anything you don't want to do. Or deliver something for other people's expectations.

Is it too late to scale it right back? If invitations haven't gone out, you can restrict the guest list to immediate friends and family, perhaps switch to a smaller/cheaper room at the venue? You have to explain your feelings to your partner so he understands.

I echo other posters. Is the venue flexible with the amount of people it can hold? I'm getting married in October at a place which can hold 50 people or up to 500 people depending on which part of the venue you hire.
A relative got married at the same venue in 2012 and had 250 guests. I specifically chose a room there that can hold no more that 65 people.
My family are constantly making remarks of ''oh but if you are inviting this person then you MUST invite that person'' erm, no I don't! If it were up to them my wedding would be getting bigger by the day but 65 people is big enough for me and my fiance so 65 max it will be.
Your wedding, your rules and it is still 8 months away so plenty of time to mix things up

If he's the one that wants this big wedding then tell him to do all the arranging, and you just buy a dress. Totally with you on this, I would,hate a bug fussy wedding.

I am with you on this - I had 9 guests at mine (immediate family) at a registry office, nice 3 course meal in a private room at a hotel and then 2 nights then with DH. Wore a long red dress as well as didnt want to do the whole white dress. Cost around 2k in all from memory and was exactly what I wanted.

Talk to him what does he want (and mean him and no one else)

Update: I told dp everything’s i said here and he was really angry/upset about it so now I feel worse. I feel like I’ve played this so badly with not asserting myself upfront and now I’ve turned it into something that is upsetting him as he says now he won’t be able to think about the wedding without thinking I don’t want to get married.
Feel shitty and no further along than I did before. To be honest a lot of this is about my current state of mind and just not wanting this big wedding. I want to get married and invest in our new life not just in one day. But I feel like somethings wrong with me as women should love wedding dresses etc etc. Feel like a prize bitch.

My suggestion may sound a bit crazy but bear with me. How about you elope and marry in a register office with just your parents/ siblings present a day or two before the big do. Make the big do a wedding celebration and make it a bit smaller. You get a small, romantic wedding, he gets his party, and all the pictures etc. You may feel less anxious about the day knowing the actual ceremony has already happened.

Re money: you only live once. You need to be able to compromise with your life partner. He finds it important to have a big party. You find it important to have a small wedding. Compromise. Neither of you is "wrong" in your wishes, but basing that decision purely on cash may feel a bit cold hearted to him.

Your husband is angry with you and thinks that because of what you said, you don’t want to get married?

Who wants the big wedding, him or other people? Please don’t be pushed into this, you’ll regret it for a long time x

OP when you say you don't want to use all of your savings, is your DP paying towards this wedding?

You both need to compromise.

He shouldn't be pushed into just what OP wants and vice versa.

We are contributing the same amount and my mum is contributing some as well. It has been more of a stretch for me to save this amount as I earn a fair bit less, and I junk that’s why it feels so hard to spend that hard saved amount on one day

I told dp everything’s i said here and he was really angry/upset about it

How sad that he wasn't more understanding and willing to compromise and/or sympathise with your worries. Angry? Seriously? He doesn't sound that nice TBH.

Think not junk!

Who was the driving force behind the big wedding/ booking what’s already booked?Did you get swept along in society’s “ideal” wedding? Was it DP?

Your partner is likely to be feeling quite insecure but you need to be very clear with him that you absulutely want to marry him, how you actually envision your ideal day/style/size etc but that the current plans are making you too stressed to carry on and need to change. If he desperately wants the big do you both need to compromise to a meet in the middle point.

Can anything from the current plans be preserved to adapt to your new ideal? I’d look into it ASAP and ideally present a new plan to your partner with some concrete “we can change x room to y room” or “ we can keep x but will have to lose the deposit on y” etc.

I had a small wedding 18 close family and friends by the time I’d been with DP 8 years and had a 6 y/o.
I could have quite easily been swept along with plans to marry when DD was a baby and DS was getting married. DM halfjokingly suggested a double wedding as DS was getting married in the “proper” church/hotel/100 nearest and dearest family and friends you haven’t seen since you were 5 way but I was very stubborn not to get sucked in. they are now divorced

I think I would be freaking out about spending that much money too, our wedding cost about £500!

I think you need to scale it down or you are not going to be happy and that's not a good start to married life

I agree with PP's, you both need to compromise on this. Your DP needs to understand how the idea of a big wedding is stressing you out. It's not that you don't want to marry him, you just don't want to marry him in a giant ceremony. There is middle ground here. Keep talking to him. Don't feel like a bitch because you told him how you feel. Your marrying the guy, you HAVE to be able to tell him how you're feeling about everything from the smallest thing to the really big stuff.

I was going to echo floating through space idea but I’m actually now thinking your partner is a spoiled selfish tool.

Assuming that angry/upset is an initial emotional reaction and that he will calm down could you then talk through some of the suggestions above?

If he won't calm down, won't discuss it or won't compromise it would raise some red flags for me. There will be other, bigger things that you will need to talk about once you're married and I'd be concerned about his reaction here.

In addition, have you agreed how you will manage your finances once married? You both paying equal amounts to the wedding sounds a bit unfair if you earn significantly less than him. How will that work going forward?

When we talked about it he was just knee jerk angry (possibly an emotional response as pp has said) and despite me apologising loads and trying to explain that a lot of this was about my own anxieties and I just needed him to help me thriugh it and hear me, he was just like “you don’t want the wedding we picked” and saying that yes we could scale it down (but in such a cross way that it made me feel terrible and wasn’t very supportive iyswim). He’s now not talking to me anymore. I’ve apologised a lot but actually what I said was quite careful and I don’t know what I am apologising for, I guess for being a people pleaser or not knowing what I want- I feel like a dick- but I still can’t get my head round this wedding and I know in my heart of hearts I want to change tack on it, to compromise yes but not to just go ahead with this particular type of wedding now.

Yes his reaction is a big red flag!

Why, when you earn considerably less and the big wedding is important to him, are you contributing equal amounts to the cost?

Why are your finances still separate to the extent that you are effectively 'going halves' on your own wedding? You're getting married! I know there are lots of MNers who think separate finances even when you've been married half a century are the best thing since sliced bread, and these may be some circumstances that make it sensible, but isn't the default 'all that I have I share with you'?