I don’t want a wedding like this

[Nc2201]

Nc for this as worried it’s outing.
I am getting married in 8 months. Date set, venue booked, we have paid about a third of the costs. The rest is due in about 4 months. It’s not a crazy expensive wedding but will cost between 10 and 15k all told, which for me is pretty expensive but I’m told it’s not these days, but that’s possibly beside the point.
I don’t want this type of wedding anymore. Actually I never did— I hate being the centre of attention, I don’t have a massive circle of friends and while I was so happy at the thought of marrying dp, I never really wanted/needed a big ceremony. I also didn’t want to spend a lot on one day because I’ve only just managed to build a little savings pot and we are saving so hard for a house deposit which is going to take years as it is. Not to mention the fact that I need to change jobs this year as I made a mistake about a year ago and have ended up with awful depression and anxiety at my current job— I will not earn this much again if I change jobs which to be honest doesn’t matter to me if it wasn’t for this constant worry about saving so much extra for the wedding. I grew up really poor, am often preoccupied about money and I don’t know why I ever agreed to do the whole big wedding thing.
I feel like I am making this all about money but it really isn’t. If I’d dreamed about this day and was super excited about it I’m sure it would be worth the money but I just don’t enjoy weddings, and I don’t want to be a bride. I can’t bring myself to look at nice dresses, think about readings or menus or first dances. I know I should have said all this before we paid the first bit but dp said it was very important to him to have a traditional big wedding and I got caught up in his excitement. But that was months ago and I haven’t done a bit of planning, I just don’t want to do it. Today I felt so down about the planning and the money and I realised I just don’t want to have this big wedding. I want to marry dp but I don’t want to do it like that. If it was a very small (immediate family only) intimate ceremony with our stamp on it, and felt like a manageable cost— but what we have planned is nothing like that.
What do I do? I feel like such a bitch, that dp will be so upset and I’m being selfish and should go along with this. But I just don’t want it. I really don’t want that day.
Please someone talk sense to me. Everyone irl just laughs and says I’m nervous or ill get into it nearer the time.
Help

Nc2201

re your earlier comment:-
"I don’t think he is a very empathetic person. A lot of people aren’t. I worry a lot about hurting people’s feelknsg and tend to be a peacemaker"

There are a lot of red flags re this person you are currently intending to marry and you ignore those at your peril. Your gut is screaming at you really not to marry him.

Actually a lot of people are empathetic, you are right in thinking that he is not. Also worrying a lot about his feelings made you far more attractive to him for he to dig his claws into; he targeted you.

Marrying him will be the biggest mistake you will ever make. I would now cancel the wedding and end the relationship. Its over anyway because he abuses you emotionally and financially. All he cares about is him and his image. He is not going to be a nice and caring H to you, he is not a nice and caring fiancé to you now.

I just think what if I’d posted a reverse. “My fiancée agreed to a wedding, we both paid towards it and sent save the dates. We have been talking to family and friends about it. Then one day she turns around and says she actually doesn’t want that wedding and we lose a chunk of money and I feel confused and hurt.”
The reverse makes me seem like a totally weak minded selfish snowflake idiot. Which is how I feel.
I hear what you’re all saying but it’s both our day and I feel guilty and ashamed of my feelings and actions.
Equally though I KNOW I should be able to say anything to him. And I can’t.

Except it isn’t “one day she turned around”

It’s....

“I wanted a big wedding. My fiancé wanted a small wedding. I bullied her and threatened to leave until she gave in. Now she is saying she doesn’t want a big wedding. Some bollocks about not being comfortable in the spotlight. Who cares? She can put up with it for one day. Am I right to get really angry and bully her again until she gives in?”

NC, but the point I (and I think other posters) are making is that the way you sound it doesn't really sound like it is about just this one thing. there is a bigger picture, and that bigger picture is troubling. The more accurate reverse is:

"My fiance is struggling with her mental health. She told me last year she didn't want a big wedding but I managed to persuade her otherwise. She has just told me again that she doesn't feel able to handle being the centre of attention. I got angry and told her to make her mind up. I am also not prepared to compromise on this big day."

Followed by drip feed "I have, more than once, threatened to walk away from the relationship. She usually backs down." And then "no, I don't think she is able to talk about her worries to me because I get angry and visibly frustrated. I don't think she wants to come home at the end of each day."

But this is not a reverse, this is about you and your feelings which are valid here.

He has made you feel like a snowflake and other derogatory terms you label yourself unfairly with. Stop beating your own self up here!.

Do not ignore or otherwise bury those down under a sea of people pleasing. You have every right to reject this wedding; people cancel weddings and you would not be the first nor the last person to do so. Your whole relationship here with him is one built on sand and is one where he has the majority of power and control here; its not at all equal. You cannot say anything to him because you are frightened to do so and also because he bats away or otherwise dismisses any concerns you have. He is not a caring or empathetic person at all. If this is what he is like now being married to him will give him further reign to exert even more power and control over you. Do not put yourself through a wedding ceremony to this man, he can have a "big traditional wedding" with someone else. That is all he cares about really; his image and what he and his own family think and want. You do not figure in that.

But you did say it wasn't what you wanted - this isn't news to him!

I think (pompously, having been married all of 10 months...) that marriage is all about mutual compromise. It's not a great sign that he's not willing to compromise by talking this through with you to find something you can both live with. And you should be able to raise this without him making you feel like shit.

(One other thing I wanted to say is that it's possible to keep separate finances without both people contributing 50/50 - you just work things out proportionately to your incomes. DP earns less than half what I do so he pays less than half of our joint costs while still keeping his own bank account, savings etc.)

But you told him this LAST YEAR OP! He didn't listen then, and threw a strop now! If my partner did this to me I would be concerned that they were OK and how could we make us both feel comfortable the FIRST time this was raised.
He is doing the upset thing so that you feel bad for upsetting him, when really he should have listened to you LAST YEAR. It's all a ploy to keep you close 'oh look how I've upset him!, I Must Try Harder To Please Him.'
The worrying thing is it seems to be working, and you are ignoring the PPs advice......

How would you describe your relationship overall with your fiancé?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?

Abuse like you describe is indeed insidious in its onset. His behaviour re the wedding is the latest in a long line of what he has done here and this will continue if you did marry him. He has done more than enough emotional harm to you already.

Who says women should love big weddings? It’s become bonkers and is an industry that relies on people buying into the whole wedding dream. You sound sensible to me. Stick to your guns.

You left out of your reverse scenario "By the way the big wedding is my idea, we argued a year ago because it's not what she wanted but she eventually gave in because I occasionally threaten to leave her. I earn a lot more than she does but still expect an equal financial contribution from her."

This is why reverses don't work - you're leaving out the most important points - in your case because you feel misplaced guilt. He should be feeling guilty for bullying you into something you don't want. At the very least he should be putting his money where his mouth is and financing most of this.

Let me guess. You think that there are comprimises to make in relationships and are happy to do so for the sake of dp. When was the last time he comprimised on something you wanted?

How long have you been together OP?
Why are you rushing to get married?

Reading how you feel it's very clear to me that you are NOT READY to get married to anyone just yet.
You need to be emotionally and mentally ready to make this huge commitment - you're not ready and your relationship is not ready for this either.

This has triggered a lot of sad feelings and potentially realisations about what I’m getting into
You need to step back from planning the wedding and focus on you.
Why is your self esteem so low that you beat yourself up the way you do?
Why are you such a people pleaser that you almost unconsciously go along with whatever he says?
You need to take time out to figure out and be sure about what YOU want - from life, a partner, house, wedding etc.
You need to feel confident in yourself and your own decisions before making agreements with someone else.

Your dp may well be nice in so many ways....but his attitude towards finances and response to your distress shows a completely different side to him.
£10-15k is a flipping house deposit in most areas!
He knows you earn less yet didn't even blink at expecting you to pay exactly half - for a wedding style that actually he already knew you didn't even want!
Is he going to expect you to continue pay 50% if you have his dc and are on maternity?
What happens if dc/other stuff means that you have to go part time?
Or you can't work anymore for whatever reason?
If you chose to be a SAHM - will he resent topping up your pension credits?
Do/would you have full access to joint accounts - as in able to log in to them online as well as being able to take out money?
A woman should ALWAYS have a secret/emergency 'Rebuild My Life' fund.....in case things go south and he empties the joint account and savings or you need to leave.

Your gut is screaming at you to STOP and THINK.
You're not listening to your gut instinct and taking appropriate action - so it's manifesting as anxiety.
Paying for bills etc should be in proportion to your income so that you have at least a reasonable amount of personal spending money left.
DO NOT spend all your savings - otherwise you are entering marriage broke and vulnerable, with him being cash rich and having more power.

Id not worry about the wedding. My red flag is the fact u said hes lazy, but he like things done his way, just so. You girl are about to become a skivvy to a controlling thug. Hes already giving silent treatment = controlling. You feel worried about airing your feelings that is not right. I can tell my dh anything. Ive changed my mind on loads of shit sometimes ive fucked up and it has cost money thousands my dh doesnt hold it against me or sulk etc. Your relationship is not healthy. Ffs you are allowed to change your mind.

...and it gets worse?!

You should NEVER be treading on eggshells in your own home.

What is he lazy with? (I dread to think but I suspect I'm right in what I am thinking)

But your "reverse" isn't the whole truth and I for one would be suspicious that this was REALLY the first time the fiancée had objected to the style of wedding AND I'd be asking for more detail on the finances - which would reveal the inequality there.

When was the last time he comprimised on something you wanted? excellent question

"You're not listening to your gut instinct and taking appropriate action - so it's manifesting as anxiety." Totally agree

This is NOT a healthy or safe relationship.

Our wedding has escalated mostly because of my mother

My DP and I have got a bit frustrated and also had a laugh about it. I also hate being centre of attention.

But we have never disregarded each other’s feelings or threatened one another like your DP has. This is a bad sign. You are clearly a highly intelligent and well educated person and yet your posts are threaded with depression and loneliness

A life partner, married or not, should lift you up and make you feel stronger, not anxious, apologetic and desperate to please. He should be your best friend and biggest champion. He should be heartbroken by your misery and either seek a way to make you happy with the plan (taking on more of the cost, scaling back a bit) or seek a way to help you raise your confidence about the day, or postpone for more time to save, or completely reimagine the wedding. Instead he’s beaten you down and made you feel worse.

I’m sorry to reiterate what others have said, but I think your doubts are your intelligent self’s survival mode kicking in. He’s a bad choice of husband op and this is triggering these responses in you for a reason.

Don't marry him.

Thankyou so much to everyone for these posts. I can’t stop thinking about it all. Last night I came home just feeling numb. He finally asked me to talk about the wedding again and I felt like I didn’t want to as I knew it would be a row (and I only feel worse about the whole wedding than I did before). I shouldn’t feel that way. I feel like actually a lot of “our” goals eg the big wedding, the saving for a big house deposit in London, are not my goals I have gone along with them despite it really rinsing me financially (I can’t save in my personal savings but he can, we dont go on holidays, I am stuck in my current job in order to earn enough to save). I don’t really want to buy a house in London as I haven’t besn happy here for a long time and I can get work in pretty much any decent sized town in the uk, it doesn’t have to be here. I also don’t want to spend hundreds on a wedding dress I don’t really like for the sake of appearing in front of people I haven’t seen for 1-2 years (or ever). I actually want to move out of London in the near future, buy a house somewhere more reasonable and have a smaller mortgage in order to take a lower stress (and lower paid, probably) job, and go on the odd holiday as I love to travel, and have the headspace to do my hobby which my bad MH has kept me from doing. I want all of those things, and I just realised today, why are we saving like mad for a wedding that is probably a bad idea and is no reflection on our real life relationship, and also for an expensive house which may end up being fought over in an acrimonious divorce? God it feels liberating to say all this.
I know he can tell I’ve shifted significantly. Last night he was all conciliatory and saying that we can do “whatever wedding you want”, never mind the money spent, etc. But it was actually too little too late. Initially he tried to guilt me by saying he’d compromised the most last summer by decreasing the guest list from 150 to 100! I found the courage to say, I actually don’t think that was a very big compromise, considering I said I wanted a small intimate wedding. It felt liberating but scary to say that. But bottom line is, again, it’s a bit late and I am certain that it should not be this hard to be honest with your life partner.
Sorry for the essay but honestly this thread has given me so much.

Oh op. Like so many have already said the wedding is just the tip of the iceberg. I really really didn't want a big wedding, my DH did. He is religious. We had a bigger wedding than I would have chosen but at all times we talked and talked and no one was railroaded. We had a church wedding but I slipped in the side, no long aisle walk, had a meal but no first dance so I didn't feel too on show.
I think that your DF will only get worse once you are married as he will feel less afraid you will leave him, which sorry I think you need to think long and hard about doing. He is raising red flags and your dream future doesn't tie in with his.

It sounds like you're realising what it is YOU want in life Nc and that it isn't what you're P has been pushing you into for the last year. It's wonderful to see you say that you are starting to feel liberated and that you are starting to have the courage to speak up and tell him that you disagree with him I found the courage to say, I actually don’t think that was a very big compromise, considering I said I wanted a small intimate wedding I'm clapping for you, I know how hard it can be to stand up and say you disagree with what they're saying.
You should live where you want, have the kind of house you want, travel if you want, have the job you want and get back into your hobby.
I think you would find if you weren't with your P that your MH issues would diminish greatly or disappear completely.
I also think if you do all of these things that you want to do, that will make you happy, you will meet the right kind of man who will further enhance your happiness and not snuff out your inner light just to get their own way.

Beware of the Mr Nice Guy ploy that he has started to trot out now. This is a standard tactic to draw you back in when a controlling partner knows they are losing control over you. It's just an act, how he has been up until now is the real him, don't forget that.

Rivan it always does reel me in. He’s not completely un-self aware and so often does backtrack or get really apologetic or buys me things in an attempt to win me round. It has worked as I honestly have had so much invested in him and this working. It breaks my heart to think that maybe we shouldn’t even be together. But this time it’s like - when it matters, he’s not caring about me, listening to me, he isn’t good at joint decision making or even communicating. And it’s such a long life to be like that! Why am I doing it? I think I do have really awful self esteem and am not assertive which needs to change.

The nice/nasty cycle he shows you is a continuous one and that is true to all abusive relationships. He enjoys having this power and control over you and you've gone along to date with the sunken costs fallacy. Your comment, "It has worked as I honestly have had so much invested in him and this working" is a clear example of the sunken costs fallacy. That basically has enabled you to keep on making poor relationship decisions. The bad times here outweigh the good.

It’s really hard to break up a relationship, even when you know it’s the right thing to do. But life is long and if it’s you are unhappy, and you’ve tried to make it work and it still doesn’t that is the moment to end it. Don’t see it as a failure or weakness but as a having the courage to take a step forwards.

If you were to marry this man he will make your life going forward a complete misery and you will end up divorcing him because of his controlling abusive behaviours. Do not put yourself through this. If this is what it is like now being married to him will simply give him more power and control to exert over you.

I would also suggest you find someone to work with who can unpick all the rubbish you have learnt about relationships along the way too.
Talking to Womens Aid could also help you here.

He makes you save and give over all your money and follow him

He’s entitled to what he wants as well and I would hate to think I was “snuffing out his inner light”(good way of putting it) by being reluctant to go through with things important to him eg. Big white wedding, London lifestyle. But in my mind has always been, we as a couple are the most important thing- the wedding day is just a day, the London house is just a house, and there has to be middle ground as our top priority should both be finding a way to have a life we both equally want and love. But he just sees a different point of view, as frustrating and even “controlling” (he has accused me of this whenever we talk about the wedding). I don’t think he is ready for a committed relationship and not even sure why he wanted to get married.

You may have a lot invested in him but he's not giving you enough in return to make you happy. You are throwing good money after bad both literally and emotionally. Even if you stay for a few more years you won't get back what you've invested up till this point, so why continue all that scrimping and saving just to fund his dreams, not yours? He's not interested in moving out of London, travelling the world or anything else you want to do. He's entitled to those preferences but where are his compromises? Why does he get to be happy at your expense?