I don’t want a wedding like this

[Nc2201]

Nc for this as worried it’s outing.
I am getting married in 8 months. Date set, venue booked, we have paid about a third of the costs. The rest is due in about 4 months. It’s not a crazy expensive wedding but will cost between 10 and 15k all told, which for me is pretty expensive but I’m told it’s not these days, but that’s possibly beside the point.
I don’t want this type of wedding anymore. Actually I never did— I hate being the centre of attention, I don’t have a massive circle of friends and while I was so happy at the thought of marrying dp, I never really wanted/needed a big ceremony. I also didn’t want to spend a lot on one day because I’ve only just managed to build a little savings pot and we are saving so hard for a house deposit which is going to take years as it is. Not to mention the fact that I need to change jobs this year as I made a mistake about a year ago and have ended up with awful depression and anxiety at my current job— I will not earn this much again if I change jobs which to be honest doesn’t matter to me if it wasn’t for this constant worry about saving so much extra for the wedding. I grew up really poor, am often preoccupied about money and I don’t know why I ever agreed to do the whole big wedding thing.
I feel like I am making this all about money but it really isn’t. If I’d dreamed about this day and was super excited about it I’m sure it would be worth the money but I just don’t enjoy weddings, and I don’t want to be a bride. I can’t bring myself to look at nice dresses, think about readings or menus or first dances. I know I should have said all this before we paid the first bit but dp said it was very important to him to have a traditional big wedding and I got caught up in his excitement. But that was months ago and I haven’t done a bit of planning, I just don’t want to do it. Today I felt so down about the planning and the money and I realised I just don’t want to have this big wedding. I want to marry dp but I don’t want to do it like that. If it was a very small (immediate family only) intimate ceremony with our stamp on it, and felt like a manageable cost— but what we have planned is nothing like that.
What do I do? I feel like such a bitch, that dp will be so upset and I’m being selfish and should go along with this. But I just don’t want it. I really don’t want that day.
Please someone talk sense to me. Everyone irl just laughs and says I’m nervous or ill get into it nearer the time.
Help

Are you sure this is actually about the wedding day itself or is it actually about the marriage? Be utterly truthful and honest with yourself, do you really love this man and want to build your life with them forever? Or is your gut actually trying to tell you that this is a horrible mistake?

From what you've posted here, he sounds like an abusive partner.

I could have written exactly what you've written 10 years ago when I married my ex. It was the biggest mistake of my life and I am only now recovering from nearly losing everything in escaping. I wish, more than anything, I had listened to what my instincts were trying to tell me about committing my life to him, rather than writing it off as nerves or anxiousness about the details of the day.

When the planning began, were you able to tell him your wishes for the wedding? Did he hear you or did he push on with the type of wedding he wanted?

If telling him how you feel about anything at all makes you feel anxious because you cannot be sure of his reaction, or you know it will be over the top, then think very carefully about this.

Took me 18 years to get out.

Why the eff are you contributing equally when he earns way more than you and it's the style of wedding day he wants? Massive alarm bells there (aside from his previous threats to leave and stonewalling you now).

Are you planning kids with this man? Because I have a feeling he'll be expecting the same financial contribution towards your household out of your maternity pay...

Had you not come back with more info, OP, and only had your first posting and first update to go on, I'd have said if a woman really wanted a big wedding and the husband wasn't keen but went along with it, then told his fiance he wanted to scale it right back, I suspect pretty much every woman would have reacted like your man did at first and gone ballistic and questioned if he even wanted to marry her at all.

But the other stuff is sending up other red flags and I'd now say you should be rethinking your relationship with this man, let alone a marriage.

I'm really sorry OP, it's a scary place to be but you need to step back and listen to your uneasiness around this.

The more you update, the more it sounds like you have bigger worries than wedding types. And I think you probably know it.

Getting married should really not be a life goal. Marriage should be for the lucky people that find a person they are safe with and above all, are heard by.

Believe me, I know what a couple of decades of being reacted against and devalued does to you. You don't want that.

Please think very carefully

Here is how’s I feel, it is so conflicting:

Feel like this is all my fault for agreeing to a wedding I didn’t want. For wasting the money we paid and then stressing out about money. And for making a happy event, a wedding, marred by my personal issues. I feel like I’ve ruined the wedding for him and only think of myself. That I’m going to push him away for being hard work, indecisive and not womanly enough to be a bride in his wedding dream, he could do better.

I also feel:
Defeated at being met with frustration not empathy. Anxious at having ruined the atmosphere around the wedding but even just for the rest of the day, I’m dreadjng going home. This is what our relationship was like in a bad patch last year and in the end I snapped because I was so sick of walking on eggshells and his threats. I feel like I never really got an equal say in the wedding. I feel that he is inherently lazy and like he does with the other aspects of our life he doesn’t do anything but then is very set on wanting things a certain way. I feel demoralised about the wedding and resentful.

My heads in a mess.

God OP. Read the second half of your last post over and over. It shouldn't be like this. You should be bouncing home, dying to skip up the aisle (whether it's a tiny or big one). You should feel safe and supported by your OH. You should be listened to, not threatened. This is not a healthy relationship with a loving man, it's really not.

Ignore my last post as this is one of those threads where I have can't just read the first few posts.

He seems a bit out of order to be honest. You need to be firm because once you marry and if you have kids things become very different.

Tell him: you know we are both low key. This wedding doesn't feel low-key like us. There are many people who have less traditional weddings and love their day. Please can we consider that?

But also you need to say you can't afford it. Let him play if you want to marry him. Never make it 50/50 and always leave it as a percentage of your earnings as you will end up more skint after kids. There are too many things to pay for.

But to be honest his attitude kinda stinks. If you already have big arguments and be threatens to leave then that isn't a foundation on which to build a marriage.

This is what our relationship was like in a bad patch last year and in the end I snapped because I was so sick of walking on eggshells and his threats.

I was in a relationship like this and I walked away less than two months before the wedding. It was the biggest relief of my life, and a lot of my anxiety cleared up in a matter of weeks.

Oh, you poor love. A wedding isn't a 'thing' you have to do. It's you and DP expressing your love for each other and committment to your future relationship. Not a performance, not a display to the rest of society that you're somehow successful because you've managed to do a wedding. If he's trying to guilt/manipulate/control you into doing something you don't want just at the point where it should be in every way about BOTH of you being happy, and he's not willing to even hear your feelings about that without getting annoyed and doing more guilting/manipulating/controlling, then please take a step back.

Don't agree to anything until you feel listened to. Even if you do think in the end that you'll go along with it for his sake, the one thing you must not do is to go ahead in the knowledge that he hasn't properly listened to how you feel, and the knowledge that he doesn't consider your opinions and feelings are equally as important as his own.

That's no way to start a marriage.

Good luck

Christ. What started out as one thing has turned into something much, much, much bigger. In some situations that last post would be regarded as a drip feed but in this one I think something has just suddenly triggered.

I suspect you did tell him when you decided the get married that you didn’t want a big wedding, I suspect you’ve told him any times since, I’m your own way. But he doesn’t hear you OP because your voice doesn’t matter to him.

What an arsehole.

in your own way

Shatner I was about to say I’m really sorry for drip feeding. I’ve been feeling shitty about this since my OP then as of our conversation today I’m beginning to just feel a little doubtful.
I honestly do feel so guilty for being a people pleaser about this and he’s within his rights to be pissed of that I’ve realised all this stuff now but to be honest none of it was coming from a place of not wanting to marry / not caring how he feels / not wanting to compromise. Rather I wanted to begin to be honest as there’s still time left as responders to my OP said. The reasons I feel are genuine discomfort and anxiety which tbh why would you want your bride feeling. I felt like I would regret doing this wedding this way, but it didn’t have to be like that, I don’t want to regret my wedding, I want it to be a focus on us- we have had some ups and downs and yet we’ve chosen to be together. I would be excited about a scaled down version of ghe traditional wedding where I know I’ll feel above all comfortable and not potentially have an anxiety flare during or before. Not to mention I’ll feel like we/I have actually made some financial progress this year rather than being almost back at the starting point next September.
But yes. This has triggered a lot of sad feelings and potentially realisations about what I’m getting into.

OP . I think this is your gut screaming at you to not marry him. He sounds extremely selfish and unsupportive. This should be fun and exciting not gloomy and sparking a huge fallout. I split with my H for a few months last year and one of my issues related to resentment I had carried from my wedding 23 years ago. Different situation but the resentment stemmed from him not making me feel special at this most special of times. I think you could possibly end up the same.

The reasons I feel are genuine discomfort and anxiety which tbh why would you want your bride feeling.

You've hit the nail.on the head there - you wouldn't!' It's not like you are being bridezilla and demanding an over the top expensive showboating wedding which you can't afford - he could possibly have something to complain about then.

There is a massive difference between a wedding and getting married. If he calms down you should both write a list of 10 things you want from being married. Not wedding but married. If less than half don't match in some way then you shouldn't get married.

Could you scale back the wedding without losing what yu have already paid?

Your DH needs to realise a marriage is not a wedding.

What you're saying sounds like exactly how my OH felt about his wedding. He wanted to get married, but didn't want the huge thing that happened in the end and hated every moment of it - after all, it's all about the bride and what she wants, isn't it?

It went ahead. He left after 4 years.

I really do wonder how much better your mental health would be without him around...walking around on eggshells and dealing with threats is no way to live.

I've been where you are. Please feel free to PM me. I'm happy to chat.

Oh OP it just sounds worse and worse with every update. The fact that you've been walking on eggshells, he threatens you, he doesn't listen to you, he emotionally blackmails you, he doesn't care how you feel about what should be one of the most exciting and wonderful days of your life should be making you strongly question your relationship. It's all about him him him isn't it?
it reminds me of last summer when we argued about the size of it and he wouldn’t budge for ages because he “had” to have that big traditional wedding. So you told him you didn't want the big wedding almost a year ago and yet here you are. You've now told him again and instead of seeing your distress and wanting to work through it with you so you can both have the day you want he told you to "decide what you want". He is obviously an idiot because you HAVE decided what you want and it isn't this huge wedding. The thing is, it's not in line with what he wants and therefore he's not willing to hear it.
I agree with PP's that what you're feeling right now by writing all your posts and finally being able to be honest about how you are feeling without being shut down is your gut screaming at you that this is not right and to think long and hard about whether this is the best thing for you to be doing. Your future husband SHOULD NOT be forcing you into something that makes you uncomfortable and upset but yours seems to have no issue doing just that, just so he can get his own way. And this obviously isn't the first time this has happened and I can guarantee you this won't be the last. He won't change. This is who he is. Is this the person you really want to be married to and (potentially) have kids with?

OP initially I thought that it should be reasonably easy for you to find a compromise but the more you post the less sure I am.
The wedding day isn't that important by itself, it's one day. Do you really want to be married to him? Unless you are certain you do then don't go ahead with it.

Oh, my goodness! I'm sorry, OP, but the more you say about your fiance, the more horrible he sounds.

Are you sure you want to marry him at all? He's already being controlling and bullying. That's not going to get better - only worse. Sadly, I speak from experience on this.

I agree with @Rivan above.
Have you considered that you are so against this big wedding because deep down you don't really want this marriage?
Your gut is talking, please listen to it and the very wise been-there-done-that PPs.