I don’t want a wedding like this

[Nc2201]

Nc for this as worried it’s outing.
I am getting married in 8 months. Date set, venue booked, we have paid about a third of the costs. The rest is due in about 4 months. It’s not a crazy expensive wedding but will cost between 10 and 15k all told, which for me is pretty expensive but I’m told it’s not these days, but that’s possibly beside the point.
I don’t want this type of wedding anymore. Actually I never did— I hate being the centre of attention, I don’t have a massive circle of friends and while I was so happy at the thought of marrying dp, I never really wanted/needed a big ceremony. I also didn’t want to spend a lot on one day because I’ve only just managed to build a little savings pot and we are saving so hard for a house deposit which is going to take years as it is. Not to mention the fact that I need to change jobs this year as I made a mistake about a year ago and have ended up with awful depression and anxiety at my current job— I will not earn this much again if I change jobs which to be honest doesn’t matter to me if it wasn’t for this constant worry about saving so much extra for the wedding. I grew up really poor, am often preoccupied about money and I don’t know why I ever agreed to do the whole big wedding thing.
I feel like I am making this all about money but it really isn’t. If I’d dreamed about this day and was super excited about it I’m sure it would be worth the money but I just don’t enjoy weddings, and I don’t want to be a bride. I can’t bring myself to look at nice dresses, think about readings or menus or first dances. I know I should have said all this before we paid the first bit but dp said it was very important to him to have a traditional big wedding and I got caught up in his excitement. But that was months ago and I haven’t done a bit of planning, I just don’t want to do it. Today I felt so down about the planning and the money and I realised I just don’t want to have this big wedding. I want to marry dp but I don’t want to do it like that. If it was a very small (immediate family only) intimate ceremony with our stamp on it, and felt like a manageable cost— but what we have planned is nothing like that.
What do I do? I feel like such a bitch, that dp will be so upset and I’m being selfish and should go along with this. But I just don’t want it. I really don’t want that day.
Please someone talk sense to me. Everyone irl just laughs and says I’m nervous or ill get into it nearer the time.
Help

Romaine— we have discussed joint finances, the reason I didn’t want to do that up til now is because he has threatened to leave a few times in arguments and my gut feeling has been to just preserve my own independence and ensure I am in charge of my own money. My parents had a terrible divorce and my dad withheld a lot of money so as previously mentioned I have a total complex about being poor again. Doing stuff 50/50 financially has allowed me to retain some sense of control (but equally in the case of the wedding it has been financially harder for me)

He's not talking to you?

Why does he want a showy big wedding to this extent?

X post.

He sounds like a dreadful emotional blackmailer, OP

I think this is about more than just the type of wedding you have. Something in you is stirring and protesting.

he has threatened to leave a few times in arguments

Don't get married OP, it's not just about the scale of it.

You are having doubts for a reason.

Now he is giving you the silent treatment? Ugh.

I feel really shitty as clearly he sees this as some lack of interest in marriage - he said it “sounds like you can’t be arsed” but I said to him, I am excited to be married and about our future but just can’t reconcile it with the excitement I feel I should have about a big wedding. For one thing I lost a best friend early last year who would have been a right hand fo me in things like wedding planning; my mum has also moved abroad; I’ve been on ADs and been a bit of a hermit and so am only now kind of feeling a bit more in the real world. It’s bad timing for a wedding I guess but we wanted to get married this summer and I was caught up in the initial excitement but really I know even then I wanted something more intimate. The wedding is such an emotional flashpoint for him.

Hmm, you update about him threatening to leave suggests you have bigger issues if you are scared to tell him how you feel.

Until that, I was going to suggset you send him a letter/email where you calmed write out that you want to be married, it's the wedding day you are worried about and perhaps suggset you elope to somewhere sunny, just taking imediate family/most important friends (you could offer to pay for those who you 'need' to have there and still save on the big day option). Stressing it's the wedding day, not the marriage that you are worried about.

But your updates suggest he's a bit bullying. Do you want to be married to him?

OP, so sorry for your loss

Sounds like you have had a tough year. Such a shame your DP isn't trying to be more understanding, even though you have explained you are excited to be married to him. Seems to me he just isn't listening to you.

Please please think long and hard about whether you actually do want to marry this person and spend the rest of your life with him.

I don't think it is, OP. I think he is trying to get his way by making you feel like a bad fiancée/future wife. And I think this, to him, is a rehearsal for how things will be in your marriage.

There's a lot of 'I should' in your posts.

To be honest I am a bit confused - sometimes the woman wants a big wedding and the fiancé goes along with it because he wants her to be happy. It seems in your current state you don't feel like you are up to it - which is fair enough - that's how you feel - but you can also see why he feels you can't be arsed to give him something he really wants...for very good reasons you are just not up to it. What is the time pressure to get married this summer? I think this is putting too much pressure on you both. Sounds like you might still be grieving and need more time - is it not worth making it later in the year as winter wedding or making it next summer? I think the pressure of getting married this summer might be too much and damage things. I think you need to focus on your relationship - take some space from the wedding and decide another time what sort of wedding you both want.

Ordinarysnowflake- I wish that I felt a bit safer in expressing my true feelings with him but he’s quite emotional and reactive. He apologises after but I feel unheard. The conversation we had today has put me really on edge and depressed af work. But in some sense I feel like I deserve it for stupidly bringing up the wedding when we have already paid some of it and planned. It would be easiest to just carry on and get on with it.

By 'I don't think it is', I meant 'an emotional flashpoint for him'. That post was last when I started typing.

This will not be a happy marriage.

'It would be easiest to just carry on and get on with it'

And this response from you is exactly what he is banking on with his behaviour.

Thanks to pps for your kind words, yes it’s been a tough year and combined with an ill judged change of jobs I have lost a lot of confidence which I know is impacting my feelings about getting married in a big white dress in front of loads of people I don’t know well. That’s my own shit to deal with. But I did want to be honest with dp about it. I also think because he earns more he doesn’t feel he strain of saving for the wedding like I have. So he’s like, what’s the problem?

You seem very used to being hard on yourself, as a kind of default response. I'm guessing that predates your fiancé, but I think he has noticed it and (perhaps subconsciously) rather enjoys benefiting from it.

Separate finances aside, what on earth is his rationale for you both, with your gap in earnings, saving exactly equal shares for the wedding HE wants? He doesn't sound like he'll be brilliant at marital solidarity.

wish that I felt a bit safer in expressing my true feelings with him

Right. I never ever say this on MN, but please think about this very carefully. You are committing to a man FOREVER, and you need to be able to tell him everything without worrying always about his reaction. You sound as if you're living in a constant state of anxiety, and it sounds as if a lot of that is to do with him.
Think about it from his perspective. Yes, he'll be upset that you don't want the same kind of wedding as him- but why was his first reaction not a hug, and "It'll be okay, we'll sort something"? Why wasn't he bothered about your discomfort and distress at the thought of this wedding?

. It seems in your current state you don't feel like you are up to it - which is fair enough - that's how you feel - but you can also see why he feels you can't be arsed to give him something he really wants...for very good reasons you are just not up to it.

^I agree

The shite runner - he was frustrated with me and told me I need to decide what I want. He was really visibly frustrated and not very understanding in the conversation. I kept trying to reassure and apologise so it’s not like I was trying to make him feel bad. But I came away feeling bad.
I don’t know if I will ever be “up to it” I should’ve made that clear last year when we were planning. I hate crowds, being in the spotlight, I am not religious, I don’t like dressing up elaborately, I don’t enjoy going to traditional weddings I just tend to like small gatherings and feel comfortable with a close circle. And the thing is- he is more like that than you would think as well. We are very low key, he has 1 or 2 close friends, I actually was surprised by his desire for a big trad wedding but I think a lot of his friends have had those and also his family were a big consideration for him. He is not one to diverge from the crowd so I guess wedding=traditional to him and my desire to do it another way annoyed him like he would be missing out.
If we both were super social and had loads of friends and family it might be one thing but we actually don’t do it feels like a big day for no real reason.

Hmm.

He has railroaded you into a wedding you don't want, and is stonewalling you (not talking) and pulling guilt trips (by saying you don't want to marry him)

He is letting you take an unfair amount of financial strain for the wedding he wants. It seems like he has left the burden of planning to you.

You are reluctant to combine finances.

He threatens to leave if you argue.

Are you sure, really really sure, about marrying him? What about when you have your first child, are on stat maternity pay, and you tell him you can't afford to pay for something, will he go mad and threaten to walk out on your and your child? Will he expect you to keep covering half the mortgage when you have holes in your shoes and your bra doesn't come close to fitting?

He doesn’t sound very nice. Are you sure this is a good idea?

Omgithurts he is generous I don’t think he would demand financially of me if I couldn’t afford it. I just am really cautious about money and that’s why I haven’t joined finances — to be fair he hasn’t given me a massive sense of security about it by threatening to leave etc while we are engaged.
I don’t think he is a very empathetic person. A lot of people aren’t. I worry a lot about hurting people’s feelknsg and tend to be a peacemaker. I recently told him to stop with the threats or I didn’t think we could work and he did apologise a lot but now we have come to this over the wedding and it reminds me of last summer when we argued about the size of it and he wouldn’t budge for ages because he “had” to have that big traditional wedding. He’s Irish and apparently it’s more normal in their country, everyone does it like that. We have v different backgrounds I’m frlm a messy broken home and grew up poor, he had a very stable upper middle class upbringing and his parents are together. So I guess we had different views on marriage anyway.

Wow! My initial response to op was going to be "talk to him" and that compromise is a key factor in good relationships, that you could have a wedding half way between what you both want...

... Following your updates?! This man is emotionally and financially ABUSIVE so DO NOT marry him! A divorce will be far more trouble and expense than cancelling this wedding!

Hell I'd even say ltb. His reactions given the full facts of your recent bereavement, anxiety, depression, financial worries... And he has NO SYMPATHY for any of it!

You deserve so much better. I suspect this is partly due to a possibly similarly abusive upbringing too so you've been conditioned to put your needs last - but you're reaching the end of your tether (no bloody wonder) and I'm concerned pushed any further you may end up having a full breakdown.

Cancel the wedding and seriously consider leaving this utter uncaring twonk!

"We are very low key, he has 1 or 2 close friends" I don't think that's through his choice, probably few people would tolerate his shit!

"I don’t think he is a very empathetic person. A lot of people aren’t." Actually a lot of people ARE that's the norm, that you think otherwise is worrying.

Large weddings are traditional in Ireland but not everyone has them. My best friend is Irish and had a small wedding as that's what suited them (and he's also from a 'big wedding' culture)

It doesn't matter whether you join finances or not - some couples do and some don't for all sorts of reasons.

What does matter though is that there is a sense of equity in the relationship whether that's a similar amount of 'spending money', equity in work/chores, equity in the amount of time that you both have to yourselves or, in this case, equity in your joint decision making.

From the outside it appears that the balance in this relationship is weighted towards your Partner and his needs/wants.