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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I don’t want a wedding like this

117 replies

Nc2201 · 22/01/2019 14:52

Nc for this as worried it’s outing.
I am getting married in 8 months. Date set, venue booked, we have paid about a third of the costs. The rest is due in about 4 months. It’s not a crazy expensive wedding but will cost between 10 and 15k all told, which for me is pretty expensive but I’m told it’s not these days, but that’s possibly beside the point.
I don’t want this type of wedding anymore. Actually I never did— I hate being the centre of attention, I don’t have a massive circle of friends and while I was so happy at the thought of marrying dp, I never really wanted/needed a big ceremony. I also didn’t want to spend a lot on one day because I’ve only just managed to build a little savings pot and we are saving so hard for a house deposit which is going to take years as it is. Not to mention the fact that I need to change jobs this year as I made a mistake about a year ago and have ended up with awful depression and anxiety at my current job— I will not earn this much again if I change jobs which to be honest doesn’t matter to me if it wasn’t for this constant worry about saving so much extra for the wedding. I grew up really poor, am often preoccupied about money and I don’t know why I ever agreed to do the whole big wedding thing.
I feel like I am making this all about money but it really isn’t. If I’d dreamed about this day and was super excited about it I’m sure it would be worth the money but I just don’t enjoy weddings, and I don’t want to be a bride. I can’t bring myself to look at nice dresses, think about readings or menus or first dances. I know I should have said all this before we paid the first bit but dp said it was very important to him to have a traditional big wedding and I got caught up in his excitement. But that was months ago and I haven’t done a bit of planning, I just don’t want to do it. Today I felt so down about the planning and the money and I realised I just don’t want to have this big wedding. I want to marry dp but I don’t want to do it like that. If it was a very small (immediate family only) intimate ceremony with our stamp on it, and felt like a manageable cost— but what we have planned is nothing like that.
What do I do? I feel like such a bitch, that dp will be so upset and I’m being selfish and should go along with this. But I just don’t want it. I really don’t want that day.
Please someone talk sense to me. Everyone irl just laughs and says I’m nervous or ill get into it nearer the time.
Help

OP posts:
OopsInamechangedagain · 25/01/2019 11:51

Oh and accusing you of being controlling is a classic response from those who are controlling themselves. They are so used to getting their own way that any attempt to stand up to them is seen as you stopping them from fulfilling their own needs hence they feel controlled. Whereas anyone else would realise that relationships whether romantic or not are give and take, and that others are equally entitled to express their own thoughts and feelings even if they are contrary to what the other person wants.

bluebell2017 · 25/01/2019 11:54

About 20 years ago, I was in a similar position to you. I was pushed into a big wedding that I didn't really want, when I would much rather have had a small, intimate wedding on a beach somewhere. Dh insisted on inviting cousins he hadn't seen in years (And who he hadn't seen since, except at a recent funeral). He had maybe 40 guests from his extended family. I had my mum. It was embarrassing.
I didn't hate the day. It was okay, as it turned out. I even got my first choice of cake (lucky me!)
But here I am now, staring 50 in the face. I have evolved from a slim, attractive, popular and intelligent woman into a brain- dead, overweight, fairly reclusive frump. My marriage has done that to me. The wedding is just one thing I look back at as a red flag that this relationship was doomed. If you are walking on eggshells now, trying to please a man who you see as devoid of empathy, then, sadly, it is extremely unlikely that things are going to get better. I'm sorry to say, they will almost certainly get worse.
I post this not to elicit sympathy from anyone, but to urge you to think very very carefully before committing to spend the rest of your days with this man.

I am trying to get all my ducks in a row to leave dh. I was prompted to see a counsellor after posting about some of my problems here a few months ago. It turned out to be money well spent. She helped ,me to see, first, that I wasn't at all unsure about wanting to leave dh, I was just afraid to do so. She helped me to see some patterns in my life which perhaps helped explain how I got here. I wonder if this is something which might be helpful for you?

bluebell2017 · 25/01/2019 11:56

For what it's worth, we had other guests as well as dh's extended family. About 100 in all. I would have seen maybe 10 guests or so as being ideal. Just in case my post above was a bit confusing.

jay55 · 25/01/2019 13:10

Keep a good hold of your ambitions. It sounds like you know what is important. Don't waste time with someone who wants a different life, you'll never be happy with his keeping up with the Jones style.

RivanQueen · 25/01/2019 13:10

Oh and accusing you of being controlling is a classic response from those who are controlling themselves. They are so used to getting their own way that any attempt to stand up to them is seen as you stopping them from fulfilling their own needs hence they feel controlled. Whereas anyone else would realise that relationships whether romantic or not are give and take, and that others are equally entitled to express their own thoughts and feelings even if they are contrary to what the other person wants.
^^This

Nc2201 · 25/01/2019 13:26

Bluebells thanks for sharing your story. Can you share any more of the red flags you felt led to how your marriage turned out this way? Your post really struck a chord. I feel I have become quite diminished since we got together (2.5 yrs ago)
I’ve been reading back over my and other posts. I don’t know if this makes sense but I feel somewhat ashamed of voicing those wants and needs in my post earlier today. Like why should I think I’m entitled to live somewhere else , and prioritise travel and hobby and general work life balance? (And still be in a relationship) I don’t feel I am entitled to those things because they are purely selfish wants. I rarely voice exactly what I want, it makes me feel somehow ashamed. I know I should be able to be honest with my fiancé and say those are the things I see as important in life but I feel like he would be within his rights to be angry because he loves London and wants to buy here and wants certain financial things and lifestyle. I feel like I’ve led him on. Even though to be fair I have always been very financially sensible and he knows that I’m unhappy in London. It’s all so confusing
Also to pp who said he is a keeping up with the Joneses type, I think he is because he is very conscious of his family approval. Hes very tied to their apron strings in a lot of ways. I accepted it as who he is but tbh his initial refusal to e.g. elope was that his parents would “disown him” (in all seriousness) and he refused not to invite his extended family he didn’t even like because his family would be difficult. I feel second fiddle to his family and almost like a prop he used to show off to them.
Wow this is depressing!

OP posts:
bluebell2017 · 25/01/2019 14:02

I have to go out in a few minutes, but I will have a bit of a think about some of the early red flags and post a proper reply this evening.

What I would say is that you are not in any way selfish to have your own hopes and dreams about the kind of life you want to lead. For that matter, there is nothing wrong with your fiance having his own hopes and dreams about what he wants from his life. But if you are going to lead a happy life together, you need to be able to find some sort of compromises or common ground. Give and take. From what you describe, it sounds as if you are always the one giving way whilst your fiance usually (or possibly always) gets his own way. That is a recipe for unhappiness and resentment.
You are just as important as he is and your wants and needs are just as important as his.

HeebieJeebies456 · 25/01/2019 14:05

I think I do have really awful self esteem and am not assertive which needs to change
I used to be like that OP, i didn't even realise it was a 'self esteem' issue - i just assumed it was me that was wrong/defective/abnormal.
Good thing is you have had this realisation before too much damage has been done, and you will find it easier to work through with appropriate support (i.e counselling).

I don’t feel I am entitled to those things because they are purely selfish wants. I rarely voice exactly what I want, it makes me feel somehow ashamed
This is your low self esteem talking. Ask yourself - why is it ok for others to be like this and expect/receive your support if it's not ok for you?
What was your childhood like?
Mine was extremely abusive, lots of domestic violence growing up and abandonment even though i lived in the same house.
I used to feel selfish for asking/wanting what are actually pretty normal and simple things that most people take for granted - a peaceful home of my own where nobody could control or dominate me, a job outside the house that would give me financial independence, good friendships and a life that made me feel fulfilled.
Yet every time i acknowledged what i wanted i would feel so incredibly guilty and ashamed - because deep down i felt like i didn't deserve the good things in life or even a 'normal' life.
I wasn't a terrible person, i didn't go around being nasty and hurting people, yet due to my abusive childhood it was subconsciously ingrained in me that i was 'bad' and deserved punishment instead of being allowed to be happy.

I feel like actually a lot of “our” goals eg the big wedding, the saving for a big house deposit in London, are not my goals I have gone along with them despite it really rinsing me financially
Again, low self esteem making you feel that others are more important and worthy and that your feelings/desires are worthless.
YOUR goals, the things YOU want in life - you have every right to think, want and go after them.
This is YOUR life afterall, no matter who you end up with ultimately it is yourself you have to face at the end of each day.
I had reached a suicidal point, life wasn't worth living because i was miserable, my life had no 'meaning' because it was -co-opted out' to other peoples wishes and demands. I was so worn down with the weight of it all i just wanted to die so i didn't have to keep going this every single day.

I've learnt the hard way to never ever feel guilty about my dreams and goals anymore.
This is what makes up me, the person that my friends love and why they enjoy my company/friendship.
It's what makes up my life which for the first time in my 38 years i actually feel comfortable with - and fairly happy.
It gives me hope that life can only get better.
I feel like my life has meaning and purpose and that i don't exist merely to fulfill other people's ambitions and dreams.
I have better sense of my own identity and self worth.
It's no wonder you feel 'hollow' if your real self is being repressed and dumbed down.

Standing up for yourself and learning to love yourself is one of the hardest - but most rewarding - things you will ever do....and it doesn't require being dependent on anybody else for it either.

The right man for you will be the one who makes you number one in his life and places your feelings before family/relatives and random flippin strangers.
In the right relationship, both of you are that 'stars' of the show - not just one of you.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 25/01/2019 14:26

Darling OP, I feel I have become quite diminished since we got together THIS IS the red flag, by itself. I think you are just waking up to reality here and as I said earlier, please hear those of us who've been in your shoes and get out now. Don't waste your life being unhappy with this man. Believe me - finding yourself and doing the things that actually make you happy, even if single, are a million times better than a restricted life with someone else.

I feel like I’ve led him on. First of all, you haven't. And secondly, you are allowed at any time, to change your mind. For no apparent reason. Except you've already given us dozens of highly legitimate reasons here. It's not what you want. You're deeply unhappy. He is not loving or support. He is downright emotionally abusive.

It is so obvious to us all that you are happy. If someone I loved was that unhappy, I would be moving heaven and earth to help make life easier and better for them. He's not doing that, is he? Instead he's putting all the blame on you and making your life harder and harder.

I know it's incredibly hard when you slowly start to realise just how unhappy someone has made you. It hurts like hell. BUT I promise you, keep working through it - keep posting and talking to us and you will realise that as the clouds start to clear, it will be the best thing you ever did.

Life is short. Really short. Don't write it off with this man.

OopsInamechangedagain · 25/01/2019 15:26

How could you have been leading him on when he knows you're not happy? It's not like you've plastered a beaming smile on your face throughout your relationship then dropped a bombshell on him that actually, you've hated xyz all along.

My exH was like yours in that he dismissed anything I had to say unless my opinion happened to match his. The fundamental issue is that he didn't respect me as his equal therefore anything I was unhappy about was met with "you're being ungrateful," "one day you'll realise how lucky you are", "you'll snap out of it."

I had counselling shortly after I left him and my counsellor noticed that when I was relaying my experiences to her I often quoted my exH saying to me "don't be silly." Yet when she pointed this out I honestly hadn't realised how much I mentioned this phrase! Being belittled and not taken seriously had become my norm and I really recognise this in you too. Surprise surprise it turned out exH was abusive in lots of other ways but it's only after left that I could step back and see just how bad it actually was. It's not too late to get away from all this Flowers

ThisWayDown · 25/01/2019 17:33

OP, regardless of whether he is controlling and emotionally abusive or not:

  • you want different things about major things, like where to live and what sort of lifestyle to have. That’s ok. It doesn’t make either of you wrong. It means that in this alone you’re incompatible.
  • you don’t mention a single nice quality he had or something you love about him in any of your posts. I seriously question whether you properly love him or whether you’ve been swept up in this and going along whether a serious relationship because you feel you ‘should’ be in one.
  • your low self-esteem and people pleasing is the crux of the issue here, not him. Until you learn to assert what you want and not give in then feel anxious and resentful at someone else, you’ll make similar mistakes. (That’s not to diminish the fact that he has dismissed your wishes, but you only have control over what you do).
Nc2201 · 25/01/2019 17:40

I really did love him, the first half of our relationship was just amazing. I’d never been happier. It was when things took a turn downhill (before the wedding/proposal stuff, incidentally) and we had a bad patch that I think I just stopped loving him a bit. Maybe I’ve tried to carry on regardless of those feelings for too long, yes I felt I should say yes to the proposal and wedding plans because things had been so great and everyone said I’d found the one. It’s so hard to let go of that. But of course those core issues have not gone away in fact they’ve just resurfaced and you’re right it’s my fault for not properly dealing with them/owning them at the time. I think maybe we should not even have got engaged.

OP posts:
ThisWayDown · 25/01/2019 17:59

Oh OP, that makes sense - really hard if things had been great. But it’s so good you’re able to see this now. It’s not ‘your fault’, but now you’ve realised how you feel and what you want, I think you know what you have to do. Flowers

Out of interest - can you say why the bad patch happened/what is what about? Because that may highlight him being controlling/you not being able to assert yourself.

Graphista · 25/01/2019 19:02

But here's the thing - those other people who think he's "the one" they're not the ones living with him, they're not the ones that would be married to him and they DON'T know him like you do they can't.

bluebell2017 · 25/01/2019 22:19

You asked earlier about some early "red flags" so I have thought of some things from before the time we were married. They may or may not resonate with you.

When I bought my first brand new car, paid for entirely by myself, I ended up with a car I hated. When people asked why I didn't just buy the car I wanted, I remember saying: "but I won't sulk if I don't get my first choice". Remember this was my own car, paid for by me. And I hated it because dh pushed me into buying his preferred model.

On the car topic, driving around in my previous car, he managed to break the sunroof. Didn't offer to pay for repair, even though he had a higher income and considerably higher wealth than I did. No sooner had I paid to fix it (and I was hard up at the time), and he managed to break it. Again. No offer to pay. Again.

We went on a long haul holiday, travelling around a country. I planned it. I remember him telling me one hotel was too posh, and we should change it. There was no conversation about my preference. He assumed I would change it, and he was right. I really liked the look of the hotel we could have stayed in and thought it would be a nice treat. We were each paying for ourselves.

I could go on, (and on and on), but the general idea is that from early on I was playing the role of people pleaser to someone who was extremely selfish and lacked empathy.

My situation resembled yours in the sense that he had an ostensibly happy and stable family background whilst I came from a home with domestic violence, parents splitting up, mum having a string of boyfriends, me feeling somewhat neglected. I was pretty poor although there was a light at the end of the tunnel in that I had a decent career underway. He was very wealthy, mostly inherited wealth, but a higher income than me, at least to start with. Nevertheless, I was expected to match his spending and I even paid for all of our food for quite some time.

Counselling has helped me to see a lot of my behaviour as people-pleasing, putting other people's wants and needs ahead of mine. In my case, perhaps as a result of a desire to avoid conflict and maybe just make people like me, perhaps because I fear people won't like the real me. The disparity in wealth has also led to a disparity in "power". I didn't want to seem like a gold digger in the early days, so I spent money I couldn't afford on things I didn't necessarily want. He and his family paid for most of the wedding costs, so I found it hard to assert my preferences. And, to be honest, dh has a strong tendency only to hear what suits.

My children have got to the point these days when they want me to leave him. Yes, things are that bad. I am working on that, I really am. My very astute 12-year-old said to me the other week: "If you leave Dad, you'll finally be in charge of your own life." And in a nutshell, that sums up the main problem. Through a life spent pleasing someone else, I have given control to someone I can, by now, barely tolerate at times.

bluebell2017 · 25/01/2019 22:28

It might be helpful to Google "people pleaser and narcissist". I have no idea whether your dh is a narcissist, but he seems like he may posses certain narcissistic traits.

From one such article:
"Red flags are important, but if we don't work on ourselves, we'll just continue doubting and guilting ourselves when we encounter red flags, which means we're not protected at all.

People Pleasers often have no idea what they want, what their needs are, and what their boundaries look like. Everything is just about making sure others are happy. They can view any issue from another person's perspective, making excuses for others while offering themselves none of the same flexibility."

www.psychopathfree.com/articles/the-narcissist-the-people-pleaser.387/

anickelstory · 26/01/2019 19:07

You asked if it was selfish to think about what you want in life, to want to move out of London and buy a house elsewhere.

No. No it's not selfish to want to live your life the way you want to. And it's not selfish to actually live your life the way you want to.
Your wants and needs are more important than someone else's, especially as that someone doesn't give a fig what your wants and needs are

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