What can I do to replace my dream of marriage and kids

[Broadbandstar]

I’m at a place where I know I need to accept that it is highly likely that I won’t get married and have kids. After spending all of my twenties in relationships that ended and dates that didn’t work out, I have lost the spark and energy and excitement towards finding someone and settling down.

The problem is, I’m left with empty. A family has always been on my radar and I’ve done all possible to help get to that point. I go from feeling sad to angry to frustrated to hopeless. I’ve had enough of dating and have had many years of enjoying the single life. It’s obviously not for me. But what else is there?

I’ve read before on here that people say find a hobby, live for you. I’ve done all that. I’m just empty. All I’ve ever wanted is to be in love and bring up a family. I don’t know what my life will be now.

How old are you?

Almost 35

I wouldn’t give up yet!

I’ve not been in a relationship since I was 27 except for a couple of year long ones.

I’ve been on MANY dates. It isn’t going to happen. I need to take my life in another direction...what else is there if not marriage and a family? I just don’t see the point to my single life anymore. I’ve fukly exhausted all the benefits of singledom!

Is there any reason not to use donor sperm to have kids? Apart from the fact that you always assumed you would have them with a partner?

If you’re financially secure enough to bring a child up on your own, sperm donation for a baby?

Tell me about it!

But look, you have been in relationships and you will be again. Dating is exhausting but you are probably absolutely lovely

Would something like fostering be an option? Or mentoring younger people? I know our local council has a great initiative at the moment where adults get to mentor vulnerable teens. I really hope you find something.

It’s all well and good posters suggesting donor sperm. But:

• this is expensive
• she will need to fund maternity leave and childcare herself and she may not be able to
• she will have to go through pregnancy, childbirth and the early years alone.
• she wants a family as well as a baby.

Probably not the answer you want but some of the happiest women I know are single and child free .

I didn’t have a child until I was 43 so it’s really not too late but the one thing I would say is just don’t focus on a ‘family’ being the only source of happiness for you, you will come across as desperate.

Focus on your job, hobbies, volunteering, wider family, friends, new experiences etc . Find happiness in different areas of life.

I also agree though that surprises happen. My manager was single until 40 (gave up dating about 35) met a family friend. Married following year and baby year after that.

Are you able (financially, career, health wise) to have a child on your own?

Broadbandstar obviously you can have kids alone, either biological kids via sperm donor or as a single adopter. Not what you imagined and obviously a massive undertaking you'd need to think long and hard about, but it's possible.

Also as continually says it's 5 years too early to give up on the conventional meet, marry, own kids idea, and as for just meeting someone - that could happen at any age. Most people know someone who married for the first time in their 40s or 50s.

Thanks for the suggestions.

I think it’s great people feel able to do all that alone. I don’t think I could. I earn a decent amount but would struggle alone with a child.

Selfishly I also wanted to feel loved by someone I could call my husband. Some things just aren’t meant to be and I think I’m too exhausted by it all now to find it anyway. Just wondering what others do when their life isn’t filled with that sort of love.

If they chose it ragwort - if not, it can be devastating.

Of course it's not for everyone and there are huge downsides continuallycharging, I just wanted to put it on the OP's radar in case it wasn't already.

Oh - volunteering? My friend is currently looking into being a respite carer for children with disabilities which sounds challenging but so rewarding.

Broadbandstar you're right to focus on other things - what do you want out of life?

Do you want your life to have a point in terms of being useful? Changing the world?

Being single and childless is a massive advantage if that's what you want. You could do anything! Do you have skills you could use for VSO? You could retrain if you don't love your job...

Travel the world, one person never completes another....

OP I went on loads of dates before I found my partner, can't you try different dating sites? You're still young

Which sites? I’ve tried all of them I think..happen, bumble, tinder. Even match but that was terrible.

OP, I hear you. It's very tough feeling left out of life as most people know it. I can highly recommend an online support group called Gateway Women. It's for women who don't have children and are struggling with that for a range of reasons. Many members are what they call a Double Whammy- single and non parents. They are an incredibly supportive bunch and will really understand where you are coming from

blueskies I want to come to terms with facing a different future. I think I will always feel devastated by not having marriage and kids but I want to try and fill the hole. Nothing about being single is a benefit to me anymore...I’ve had enough quiet nights in and wild nights out and random trips abroad to last a lifetime. I’ve fullt embraced being single so I don’t see any of that free time and 8 hours sleep with no baby as a plus point anymore!

I suggest counselling to help you come to terms with your feelings of loss, you sound very down about it which is understandable, so it might help to have the opportunity to talk it through.

I don't think it's too late for you but ironically I think it would be easier for you to meet someone if you had come to terms with the possibility of not meeting someone.

I know it's not the same but you can feel more loved by practising "self care" (annoying term but you know what I mean) and spending time with family and friends who love you and whose company you enjoy.

Thanks another Emma.

My friends and family are in such different places to me. They’re great and I love them but it’s a lonely place to be to watch at the sidelines.

It’s funny how people talk about loneliness as if it’s just something for older people. I don’t think I’ve felt more lonely in my life and yet nobody would ever consider that I could feel that way...which makes it worse in a way