What can I do to replace my dream of marriage and kids

[Broadbandstar]

I’m at a place where I know I need to accept that it is highly likely that I won’t get married and have kids. After spending all of my twenties in relationships that ended and dates that didn’t work out, I have lost the spark and energy and excitement towards finding someone and settling down.

The problem is, I’m left with empty. A family has always been on my radar and I’ve done all possible to help get to that point. I go from feeling sad to angry to frustrated to hopeless. I’ve had enough of dating and have had many years of enjoying the single life. It’s obviously not for me. But what else is there?

I’ve read before on here that people say find a hobby, live for you. I’ve done all that. I’m just empty. All I’ve ever wanted is to be in love and bring up a family. I don’t know what my life will be now.

Which sites? I’ve tried all of them I think..happen, bumble, tinder. Even match but that was terrible

Therein lies the problem! Dating apps are THE WORST. Full of men who just want hookups.

Try more serious ones like match.com, eharmony, okcupid, also ones with a fee tend to have more serious people.

PP's have the right of it. You're not too old.

A good start could be to throw yourself into your enthusiasms or start exploring some new ones. Whatever you love doing, let that fill your life. If nothing else, you'll be having a grand time. In the process, you will meet loads of new friends. One of them may be the right person or might introduce you to a friend who's perfect. That will be a person with whom you have something(s) in common so that no matter where life takes you together you will have something more to enjoy. With any luck, in the not too distant future, you'll be dragging your kids along to sit on the sidelines.

Friends of mine have met partners in all kinds of places: hashing, Rotary fund raising, sailing, church bell ringing, triathlon training, photography club, international cycling spectating (e.g. Tour de France). These people met at all ages. Some of them met (just) in time to start families but all of them have more sides to their relationship than family/kids. Remember - when kids grow up you'll still have your partner. How will you fill those empty hours without nappies to change if that was all you had in common?

Personally, I wouldn't spend time on the dating sites. Most people are on there for one reason and long term relationships need a better foundation than that. Also, people pursuing their interests are more interesting. They will not be trying to impress you at first so you will see their true colours - get their true measure - and they will see yours.

Don't give up. Get out there and fill your life. (Sorry to be so cheerful - I do realise it can be absolutely crushing too and I have seen some friends go to the wall before turning it all around)

A close friend of mine was in a similar position. Mid thirties. One very long relationship that failed in her late twenties. She reconsidered what she was looking for in a man and started dating again. She had a few short lived romances before meeting her fiancé. I wouldn’t give up hope just yet.

Op sorry you are lonely.....but why are you so sure you will never find love..at 35????? there is no age limit you know..

I think it’s really healthy to envisage a new path - one that doesn’t depend on other people to be realised. You might well meet someone but it’s much more likely to happen while you’re doing something else anyway. Where’s your ideal place to live? Travel? Do you like to write?

If it helps, I was 37 before I finally felt content and happy in a relationship. I'd met him years ago but lost contact. We are 6 years in and I now consider myself 'one of the lucky ones ' in Life rather than the opposite whichbis how I had felt. I too wanted the kids and family dream but never managed it- I did manage some ridiculously lousy decisions in my quest mind lol. I had completely given up looking and resigning myself to life by myself when circumstances led me to DP, so much so that when he first asked me out, I was mad tempted to say no, purely as I was finally happy with how I was. So glad i agreed though, and I think being older has meant for a really good quality relationship- we both know who we are, and what we want. I suppose I'm just trying to say don't give up, life has an amazing way of surprising you x

The way you talk reminds me of myself. I got so desperate l forced my partner to adopt 2 children. He already had kids from a previous and we couldn't seem to make one together and l could not drop it. Fast forward 5 years and we are totally knackered and very envious of others who have less complicated lives. Family life is not all it's cracked up to as you will see from the hundreds who post on here about marital difficulties- affairs/money worries/ childcare/in-laws etc. I am not trying to minimise your unhappiness but l totally lost perspective about any other life choice and l don't think that's healthy. I now often feel trapped, overwhelmed and exhausted and although on paper l have got what l wanted we have both paid a high price for it. Be careful what you wish for and all that. Try to focus on your life now and have confidence that things can change especially when you least expect them to. If you chase something too hard (like l did) then you can miss so many other things that can bring you joy. X

I agree with pp about the dating sites that have a fee, do tend to have people who are maybe a little more serious about finding love! Although I'm not saying you couldn't meet somebody serious and genuine on the other dating apps too. There's is no time limit on the marriage side of things, i know its hard to remain positive when a marriage and a family is what you want so much! Keep trying op, dating sites, singles nights, don't give up, but do take time for you and enjoy hobbies and spending time with those that make you happy. It will happen.

My father was my stepmother's first really meaningful relationship (similar history to you). They married when she was 37, and started fostering as they presumed she was too old to conceive. She gave birth to my brother when she was 42. If you had spoken to her at your age she would have said exactly what you have here.

Still, assuming you don't get so lucky, there are other life models that you can follow. You might find yourself marrying at 45 and becoming a stepmother or fostering. Or you might launch yourself into something else fulfilling - charity work abroad, travelling the world helping the starving - or becoming a much-loved figure in your local community; not to be sniffed at.

At 45 I had to rethink what my future would be like. I'd assumed I'd stay married, live at home with the kids for ages, then the kids visiting in their old home, travelling with my husband and retiring with the house paid off. That's all not going to happen. Sometimes you do have to find yourself a new future.

What has helped me in that position is to make friends with a load of other people who are not happily marrieds, at my age, 50. Some are divorced, some never married, like you, some have no children. Most still dating and hoping to find someone, some admitting they just don't believe in love. It helps it seem more normal and less scary, and helps you imagine what your future might be like.

Where I live, these people tend to be involved in the theatre / the arts / meditation type things. But I've also found them through advertising and looking for adverts for jogging partners or people who want to meet up and make new friends, for instance.

I think the 'try something new every week' works well, whether that is go shopping in a different shop, try and evening class, visit a pub on your own, etc

You’re not too old. I had ds at 45.

Why not spend 2019 just having fun. Forget about finding “the one” and concentrate on doing at least one new thing a month. Book some lessons at a shooting school. Try a martial art class or join an art group. Spend a weekend at a cooking school. Wander round museums or the local horticultural gardens. Lots of variety so you’ll meet a mix of people and have lots to talk about. Build your confidence. Even if it doesn’t work, you’ll have a great year.

Oh, and local activism is also a) fulfilling and b) full of other singletons in my experience. Saving a load of bats, helping raise money for refugees, that sort of thing.

Nobody has mentioned learning a language. In my experience there are a huge proportion of single people of all ages on language courses. These courses are just not something that couples seem to do. In addition, courses are often abroad so you get a holiday chucked in too.

Do you have good female friends that you can touch and hug? Not talking in a sexual way at all, I just think we all need physical contact and you need to be very close to somebody for that. My other suggestion would be to get a dog. A dog will shower you with love and give you someone to care for a look after, also just fill your time. There are upside to being single and child free (I'm sure you know) . You say you would struggle being a single parent, do you have any young child relatives? You could be a really hands on aunty, I really wish my children had somebody like that in their lives.

Wow OP.... I’m 38 and a half , Ive not dated anyone for more than 3 months for nearly 10 years and I will get married and have children some day!
Oh and I refuse to do any online dating!
Honestly, you have stacks of time. Focus on loving yourself and love will find you

You have freedom to follow your own interests- to campaign about political or local issues, volunteer for a charity, devote yourself to an obscure hobby.

You could do support care as a foster carer, so a weekend a month. All the fun, none of the commitment.

I wouldn't get a dog in that situation. Can't go out to all these fulfilling hobbies and just leave the dog at home for hours. Dogs are great for people who'd be staying in anyway, or for households with several people, but not great for a single person who gets out and about / who works outside the home.

Maybe a cat. But people who like cats usually have a cat already. I'd probably feel lonelier, tbh, if I was advised to buy a cat as the best/only means of having physical contact with another living creature / as a replacement for a baby.

Right, it's definitely not too late. You'll probably find that by taking up new interests etc you meet new people and who knows where that will lead.

How about:

A new sport? Something a bit social, eg cycling. If you join a local cycling club then in my experience people tend to have a drink/lunch after wkend rides, do events together etc.

OU course - new language?

New challenges often open new doors.

I think your idea of making peace with your life as it is, and finding something else fulfilling apart from a partner, is excellent, though, OP. If it takes a belief that you'll never find anyone to make you do that, well stick to that belief. It won't stop someone else from finding you. So many people focus only on finding a partner, or have that as the not-so-secret motive behind every hobby - then if they do marry (usually giving up those hobbies) at some point they realise they want more out of life. Or they just feel unhappy and don't know why. Really we should all try to do something that makes us feel satisfied.

I met my DH at 35 and a half, and had a crappy relationship history before it with many long periods of being single. I felt at 35 like it 100% wasnt happening for me. Now I am married with 2 kids a d i meet my DH in real life, not on dating apps. Not dating its definitely going to happen, but it still very much could.

HiBroadbandstar I am in a similar situation to you, except I am 39.

To answer your specific question, I am also looking right now at what I want my life to be like now that it won’t have a husband and children like I thought. (I am aware and open to the fact they may come along at this late stage, but I am no longer willing to put my head in the sand and I need to plan or have thought about a future without them, so I don’t feel short changed).

Whilst I am still figuring it out, some thing hat have work (or are working for me):

• move back closer to my parents and siblings (who have children). I am a fun aunt and enjoying spending time with the kids, and they love me as I am an adult but I still play with them (not an adult that disciplines)
• spending time with my parents and siblings helps me feel part of a family unit. There are time when I feel the lost of a partner as they all have one, but I have a great family and these moments are infrequent
• live in a beautiful area (by the beach)
• spend more time and money on my health - I have regular massages for touch, and exercise by gym or outdoors. I meditate and do yoga. I am in excellent shape
• spend money on really nice clothes, she’s and jewellery. This makes me look better, and feel better and I say it is my treat for having ore disposable cash
• set up my financial future - as I may have no one (husband, kids) to take care of me in old age, I have been sensible about my financial situation and saved and invested to cover this
• like my job and advance more at it. I am able to put more into my job and have been promoted
• made friends with younger people or single people. They are able to go out for drink or dinner at a moments notice like you are, or more likely to be able to go away for a weekends easily.
• I have applied at work to take more holidays (leave without pay etc) and all’s to do secondments to other offices and other countries. Things I wouldn’t have done with a family, and it has been fun to live in a lot of different countries whilst working

I wish you good luck. I don’t think there is one thing to fill the space in our lives where family/children would go, but many little things, that may change over time. For now, this is where I am.

Having to let go of heartfelt dreams is a painful process. I’d second counselling as the starting point for your new life. Research and find the right counsellor for you and use the time first to process the pain and then to help shape your new future.

Keep your eyes open for what brings real meaning to your life and makes your heart beat faster; could be an academic direction, maybe volunteering helping others abroad, politics, an ambitious creative project or exploring your spirituality.

Read a lot and stretch your mind.

When you are ready you have the freedom to expand your life in any direction but you will need to mourn the old hopes fully first.

I wouldn't get a dog in that situation. Can't go out to all these fulfilling hobbies and just leave the dog at home for hours. Dogs are great for people who'd be staying in anyway, or for households with several people, but not great for a single person who gets out and about / who works outside the home

You can put dogs in doggy day care a few days a week.

I’m sorry OP, I don’t have any advice but I just want to say I know how you feel and hope you find happiness. I’m almost 35 and the thought of a single childless future makes me feel like I actually don’t want to live. I’ve got loads of hobbies and tried to fill my life with more meaningful things but nothing’s working so far...and I’ve had counselling. I don’t know why it doesn’t happen for some people who really want it. It seems very unfair.

I’d echo what other posters are saying about it not being too late though. It could still happen for you. I suppose though, if you just don’t want to imagine a future without marriage and kids then you have to throw absolutely all of your energy into making that happen. That’s the conclusion I’ve come to anyway. I’ve been single for 32 of my 34 years, totally single since 2014.

I think you should keep dating but try and make it as fun as possible. So look at activities you really want to go to or experiences you want to try...that way if the company isn’t great, it’s still not wasted time.

If it’s the marriage certificate you want find a non European who wants ILR in the U.K. (lighthearted)

I kind of wish I’d gone down the donor route than having a dp. There are lots of pluses in being a single mum.