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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What can I do to replace my dream of marriage and kids

108 replies

Broadbandstar · 20/01/2019 17:30

I’m at a place where I know I need to accept that it is highly likely that I won’t get married and have kids. After spending all of my twenties in relationships that ended and dates that didn’t work out, I have lost the spark and energy and excitement towards finding someone and settling down.

The problem is, I’m left with empty. A family has always been on my radar and I’ve done all possible to help get to that point. I go from feeling sad to angry to frustrated to hopeless. I’ve had enough of dating and have had many years of enjoying the single life. It’s obviously not for me. But what else is there?

I’ve read before on here that people say find a hobby, live for you. I’ve done all that. I’m just empty. All I’ve ever wanted is to be in love and bring up a family. I don’t know what my life will be now.

OP posts:
SonataDentata · 20/01/2019 20:42

I have no advice to offer but I sympathise because I’m in a similar boat (although a little younger). I travelled the world and yes, it was fun, but it didn’t solve things one bit. I came back and all the loneliness was still there. I have seriously considered on many occasions spending all my money on extravagance and then killing myself (not trying to joke or make light of MH issues - it really has been that bad).

Original poster
Broadbandstar · 20/01/2019 20:46

Sonata are you glad you travelled though?

I was thinking of maybe booking a trip to try and focus on something different for a change. I fear it might make things worse though

OP posts:
Original poster
Broadbandstar · 20/01/2019 20:46

Also Flowers and xx

OP posts:
SonataDentata · 20/01/2019 20:49

I am very glad I travelled and very glad I have done all the lovely activities, clubs, time with friends, etc. I’d recommend it regardless of the man situation (or lack thereof). It’s not a substitute but it’s good in its own right.

PeripheralVision · 20/01/2019 20:56

This is me too Flowers

I have found Christmas/ holidays this year really hard. Usually they're difficult but this year it has taken all my strength to get out of bed every morning.

I feel like the sad dolly no-one wants sitting on the shelf, because I have done nothing differently to any of my friends and yet they're all engaged, married, partnered up, becoming parents. I'm tired of being the single one. I don't fit in with my friendship groups because they're going through such different things to me.

I don't want new friends or new hobbies. I like my hobbies. I don't like photography, running, cycling or going to the bloody gym. I don't want to travel on my own.

Hellomatey001 · 20/01/2019 21:08

Bloomin hell, you sound like me!

I was 37, single (after going on about 100 + online dates on every single dating site known to humanity) was planning to go travelling as I had pretty much given up hope.

Well at 37 met my DH, married at near 38, baby at 40. Now I wish I did have the time to travel, to write, to see the world!

Still got every chance it will happen. But if it doesn't you go travel, pursue hobbies, explore the world. Either way it is not all misery!

itiswell2019 · 20/01/2019 21:09

I have no advice but I am in the same boat albeit younger than you and it's been 7 years since I was last in a relationship. I want to say though I am a single mum and most of the time I am ashamed to say I don't enjoy it . I feel like it's a duty I have to fulfill since I am responsible for a life . If you choose to have a child without a partner just make sure it's what you really want it. I don't know how I would feel if I didn't have a dc though but sometimes I think I would be happier and being from a culture where being a single mum is frowned upon doesn't make it any easier for me . I sincerely hope you get your happily ever after soon . all the best to you Smile

Hellomatey001 · 20/01/2019 21:10

*meant married at near 39

Thehop · 20/01/2019 21:11

I decided to OLD after years on my own.

I met my husband at 36, we married less than 2 years later and now we have a 2 year old.

PinkSquidgyPig · 20/01/2019 21:21

I hope you find happiness.
My story is one of no long term relationships for most of my life. I met a lovely man at age 37/8 years old. We had a baby when I was 43 (amazing after years thinking I was medically unable to). Then got married age 49 and a half!
We found each other online (in the early years of t'internet)
So, to your question: Life is good, but would also have been good if we had not met. I was investing in other types of relationship (being an aunt and godmother, volunteer work, gardening etc etc). Not because I was trying to replace a life I didn't have, but to make a full and happy one of what I had. My husband says this is a large part of why he loved/loves me.
I hope you find a life that makes you happy. After that good things will happen. X

Toddlerteaplease · 20/01/2019 21:30

I could have written your post OP. I'm 37. I have hobbies and I love my job. But it's just drawing on me that as I get older I will have no one. My sister has never wanted children and I'm not particularly close to my cousins.

Toddlerteaplease · 20/01/2019 21:30

Most of my friends are older than me.

madcatladyforever · 20/01/2019 21:33

If I had my time again OP I'd never have got married. I had two husbands and they were both much to much like hard work. I know I will never get married again.
i have two friends who have gone solo with regard to having a baby, one by donor insemination and the other with a friend and neither of them - both around your age - want to get married or have a relationship as they haven't managed to find a quality partner.
neither are particularly well off.
So there are other options other than conventional ones.
I do think it is a bit early to give up though, you are only 35.

Ragwort · 20/01/2019 21:41

Please don’t assume that just because you have a partner and/or children they will be there for you in later life; there are many, many elderly folk with no one to help or care for them because their children aren’t bothered/live abroad/too busy etc etc. I volunteer with the elderly & it is very sad how many are in very low or no contact with their adult children/grandchildren. Those that cope the best have made the effort to keep friends & get involved with the community (I know it’s not popular on Mumsnet but Church communities are excellent for looking after the elderly).

There is no point in having children as a guarantee that you won’t be lonely as you get older.

MrsRobot71 · 20/01/2019 21:43

Start a business on the side and throw yourself into that?

SonataDentata · 20/01/2019 22:05

Personally, I started a business on the side (which is doing well), learnt a language and got another degree. They’re good suggestions but don’t solve the core problem. For those who’ve had children alone, by choice, are you happy with your decision?

ShatnersWig · 20/01/2019 22:28

You're not alone. I've been single almost 9 years, not dated in 7. I didn't and don't want children though. I'm almost 45.

I have a friend who did wants kids and has been single since shortly before her 30th birthday. She's 42 in April.

We hear you.

importantkath · 20/01/2019 22:35

Another one to vote for travel. Do something completely different. Take a weekend TEFL course. Go on a hiking group holiday or an adventure abroad. Volunteer for a project. You will meet people that will bring so much to your life, showing you that there is more to the world that you previously knew or reminding you that you are living your best life. Step away from internet dating, get out there and in amongst real people, it just there waiting for you.

Travel is such a wonderful thing to pursue and you never know where you will end up. Promise.

Lushlemming · 21/01/2019 10:51

"Is there any reason not to use donor sperm"

Yes. Because deliberately bringing a child into the world, knowing it wont have a father, is one of the most cruel things you could do.

It's all about YOU and YOUR wants, and not about the child and what they would want.

Me me me me me me me and me!

Musti · 21/01/2019 11:05

Firstly - married with kids isn't a happily ever after to many people. It's a hard slog, couples putting up with lack of libido, unequal pulling of weight, stress, affairs etc. So don't assume that having a child with a man is better than going alone.

Personally, I would carry on dating for a few years and if you don't meet anyone them I'd go the donor sperm route.

I'm late 40s and I am out of a toxic relationship. I am happy wi5h my work, my kids, my social life and I'm seeing another divorcee. He's also got kids and we just get together to have fun. So a different life to what I imagined but I'm happier than I was being married with kids. Being with the wrong person is a lot harder than being on your own.

SonataDentata · 21/01/2019 12:05

There are never any guarantees, Lushlemming - a woman could get pregnant and then her partner leaves her or dies! I can’t speak for others but personally, I feel I have a lot to offer a child. I have a good life and a lot of love to give. I’d consider donor sperm and I’d also consider co-parenting or adoption.

deepwatersolo · 21/01/2019 13:10

Is there nothing you feel is worth fighting for, I mean, a cause? I love my kid and partner, but if it were not for them I think I would be way more engaged in environmental and antiwar causes. If there is a cause you care deeply about, working for that cause can be fulfilling.

Mousetolioness · 21/01/2019 15:10

Will admit I have not read the full thread... bloody pathetic half hour lunch break mid afternoon (bastard employer), so apologies for that to OP and other poster's.

What worked for me was putting all thoughts of dating and marriage out of my mind. If thoughts popped iny head I reminded myself I was focussing on socialising not finding a partner and left it at that. I built up a social life and took the view that thinking about it meant I emitted off-putting vibes, as having the unfulfilled search probably meant I looked at every single male in a skewed and probably obvious 'looking/appraising way! It did work for me because I met the 'One' when I least expected it and it took the pressure off me in the meantime. I didn't assume it would never happen (in case negativity coloured the picture) but made sure I was circulating, if you see what I mean. The social aspect of my life was lovely - made me multi-accepted (would not presume to go as far as to say it made me interesting). But I was relaxed as I didnt have a specific outcome in mind. I didn't do internet dating as I don't remember that being a thing back in the old days.

So, never say 'never' because we just don't know, imo.

TatianaLarina · 21/01/2019 15:20

I think kill two birds with one stone - invest in your own life - join groups for different kinds of hobbies and interests. Join travel groups - there are some great companies that do v interesting guided tours of all kinds of cultural places.

And while you’re doing all that - you might meet someone with compatible interests.

elle1111112 · 21/01/2019 15:22

Sorry @Lushlemming

You could say that about any couple having a child??!?! They are doing for themselves and it's all mememememe?

I know people who had a shitty abusive Dads and would have been better off without them. My partner was raised by a single mother and had a very happy, loved childhood.

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