What can I do to replace my dream of marriage and kids

[Broadbandstar]

I’m at a place where I know I need to accept that it is highly likely that I won’t get married and have kids. After spending all of my twenties in relationships that ended and dates that didn’t work out, I have lost the spark and energy and excitement towards finding someone and settling down.

The problem is, I’m left with empty. A family has always been on my radar and I’ve done all possible to help get to that point. I go from feeling sad to angry to frustrated to hopeless. I’ve had enough of dating and have had many years of enjoying the single life. It’s obviously not for me. But what else is there?

I’ve read before on here that people say find a hobby, live for you. I’ve done all that. I’m just empty. All I’ve ever wanted is to be in love and bring up a family. I don’t know what my life will be now.

@Lushlemming I would argue that any coupld having a baby is really about them. The desire to have a baby is easily the same whether you are married or single. A lot of wives knowingly bring babies in to a rotten environment just becasue they are desperate to have a baby, similarly a lot of women "trap" men in to staying with them by getting pregnant. It's all about desires.

OP it sounds like you want the man and the baby. If that is what you really want then try not to lose that, at 35 you are still very young! There is a lot of hope. Perhaps try more niche fee paying dating apps?

Your only 35!

There's still time! X

I may sound shallow, but travel, large disposable income, freedom, flings with lots of men- these are great things too, OP.

That said, you are only 34- you have bags of time to meet someone most likely

Hi there,
My lovely uncle didn’t meet anyone until his 40s but he was a cool uncle to all his nieces and nephews. He then met and married a lovely lady with teenaged kids who ended up having children quite young and he was one of the first of his siblings to be a grandad! He loves it 😊. Also agree- go and have fun and you could spontaneously meet someone who may have young kids or with whom you could have kids! Some older mums still manage to get pregnant fairly easily. I reckon getting a dog is a cool way to meet people too- lots of people stop to chat to dog owners! And you get snuggles on the sofa too 😊

Have you tried an old fashioned dating agency where you they set you up with people?

Or tried meetup.com which is a place to meet new people platonically without the pressure of being dating. You could potentially meet new friends who could introduce you to some single people? God luck op.

If you google dating agency and your area loads come up. You never know. There could be many people who are disillusioned about online dating and want to try a different venue.

Hugs to you OP. I’m a year younger than you, but in the same situation, and I sympathize with how terrible of a feeling it is.

I moved to a new country and have been throwing myself into work, new activities, and meeting new people but it’s not always enough to distract me from the knowledge that I’ll never have a family. I’ve given up trying to date as all but 1 man I’ve dated in the past 5 years has told me they’re too embarrassed to be seen in public with me, and I don’t have the energy to deal with that anymore.

I’m hopeful that I’ll wake up one day and just not care anymore, but in the meantime I’m focusing on buying a flat and making as much money as possible. I wish I had advice for you. x

35!!!

Don't give up yet op!

I met my boyfriend at your age, together 5 years this year and proposed on Christmas Day.

I thought I would never meet anyone again and i had 3 small children at the time too and a crazy ex!

OP, I'll be 35 in july, have no DP, no kids and am an only child. I get it. I've also had adoption, looking for a sperm donnor and doing hobbies sugested to me.

The true is there's no undisturbed 8 hours of sleep and travelling that will fill the void as long as you measure your life according to this script you used to have in your head regarding what you expected your life to be. In my personal experience many things are out of our control, shit happens, life is not fair and many of us are just trying to live, somehow. Not an easy task.

I don't have a proper sugestion for you... and i think each person finds (creates) their own. To some it is hobbies, to some it is friendships, voluntering, travelling,etc. To me it it's been work and accepting a degree of sadness that i feel sometimes. I'd argue that most people are happy ans miserable in their own ways. We can be happy, of course, but i personhally don't believe in felling whole.

Please don’t give up just yet - you still have time to have children and your happy ever after .............

I'm sorry for the many mistakes; mobile is malfunctioning.

Thanks for all the messages. Some gear ideas and I like the one about fighting for a cause.

I think accepting you won’t have what you dreamed of is the hardest part and it’s jist so totally different to what I wanted. Sometimes I ask why am I the one left out. Pathetic I realise. It’s tough though

are you open to divorced men?

It's not pathetic

I have to confess I haven't read all the posts and you'll probably laugh at my suggestion but....

The answer is a dog!!!

You also still have plenty of time!

My life is so different to what I thought it would be at this point but I can honestly say I probably wouldn't be here without my dog.

He's very supportive, mends a broken heart, provides love and cuddles, we share happy and sad times, we play, we enjoy the outdoors together etc etc and I genuinely feel for him more than anything ever in my life.

Definitely not pathetic

Obviously you must only do what you feel is right for you but I would seriously consider either donor conception or adoption if you’d like children. There’s no age limit for meeting a partner, whereas obviously there is a biological limit for conception. It may take the pressure off for meeting someone and in a cruel twist of fate you’re most attractive when you aren’t desperately trying to meet someone as well.

Years ago I read a magazine article about someone who decided to treat finding a partner the same way she would a work project. She put time, effort and energy into it. She contacted all her friends, and asked them let her know if they had any single male friends who they could introduce her to, wherever they were. She contacted these men, had conversations etc with them to see if there was potential, and went and spent time with each of them. It was years ago and I can't remember all the details, but I think she had a list of 50 men from all around the world, and she found her 'match' somewhere in the 40s.

It was a fascinating read.

You aren't pathetic at all.
A lot of people want someone to share their lives with. I am desperate to get pregnant and I am having no luck at all. I've seen so many people fall pregnant around me and it makes me feel so sad. I've been trying for a year. So I know I've got a partner but my point is, that not everything necessarily goes the way you think your life is going to.

You keep going. Don't give up. I honestly think in a few years you will remember this thread and marvel at how much your life has changed. I hope you find a suggestion that's been put on here works for you.

If I was you as silly as it sounds, try them all out. Not all at once obviously but maybe... just maybe one of them will lead you to a new avenue in your life. Inject some fun back in. Maybe call it a bucket list as silly as that sounds and tick them all off x who knows where it will take you.

Serious suggestion - Run a marathon!
Take a year to train for it if your starting from scratch.
You will get fit, great for your mental outlook give you a focus and when you cross the line you will feel such a sense of achievement. It will feed back into the rest of your life.
Another side benefit is you might meet someone.
Running clubs are full of Men and on long training runs you talk about all sorts of shit just to keep your mind off the 10 miles left to go. I find people drop their guard to some extent and you find out more about them than you would during an awkward chat at costa.
Go for it!

#loncan you are better off without a man who would say something like that to you. How sad and shallow. 😢

OP, as many have said, don't give up. I have been in your shoes and can empathise totally. It really is such a lonely feeling when you long for your own family and secure home life. I also wondered what my purpose in life was and felt like I was just plodding through life feeling completely unfulfilled.

You still have time and there are so many great suggestions from PP's. Keep getting yourself out there! Try to get a couple of new things happening in your life so you get to know new people.

It's such a cliche but it really does happen when you least expect it.

I'm now happily married with two DC so am living proof! Good luck.

Hi I'm coming late to this post but felt
I couldn't just read and not read. I was totally where you are at 35, single again and many failed relationships and dates that went nowhere but I was desperate for a family. It got to the stage that I realised I'd either have to give up my dream of being a mum or try t on my own... I went for the second option. I'm now 43 and still very single but lying in bed beside me is my 3 year old daughter conceived through using IVf and donor sperm. And I'm planning on trying for a sibling for her in a few months usi the same donor. I'm so glad I went it alone and got my own family. Don't give up your dreams of being a mum and having a family. Nowadays you don't need a man. If I had waited around hoping for Mr Right to appear I no doubt would not have experienced the joy of motherhood.

Do t give up!

@Broadbandstar
Early 30’s and I feel the same. All my friends are in a different stage of their lives and “busy”
I’ve found myself, I’ve embraced the single life, I’ve dated and dated, and I’m fed up! I would love a family, but I’m the same I want the family unit, the husband, the support.

If you find any solution, please share!

Well, you're 34, so you've got plenty of time.

Some options:

• Freeze your eggs - gives you the option of DC in your 40s.
• Save like crazy - and climb the career ladder - for a few years, then go it alone with sperm donor.

@heidi3333 - that’s so cool and brave. Congrats to you!

There’s a lot of dodgy advice on here and all those stories about friends of friends who were just like you etc.
Fact is OP it feels pretty shit when the dream you had your whole life looks like it’s disappearing.
I have neither marriage nor children and for a long time I was devastated by it. I am in a relationship but for many reasons it’s challenging.
I am coming to terms with the situation I’m in though and starting to believe that life without children won’t be all bleak.
I’ve had a lot of counselling and that’s helped. I’ve also spent a lot of time trying to get to know myself better and work out what I really enjoy.
I’m in the process of changing my life for me:
I left my job and set up my own business where I work part time for less money but more enjoyment.
I spend one full day every week doing things for just for me (usually making things).
I got a dog and that’s been brilliant but it’s not for everyone and definitely not for anyone who wants to travel or works in a long hours job.
I’ve started to take pleasure in things again. The sadness will stay with me but it won’t define me like it did for so long.
My advice is to focus on you and what makes you happy. It’s taking me a while to figure it out but recently I’ve accepted that having kids isn’t everything. Life can be full and rich and exciting without them.
Someone earlier recommended Gateway and I would second that (although I haven’t used them).