"I don't have to put up with you being verbally aggressive"

[Fortunatelymine]

Dh cheated, I found out last year, and have been through the rollercoaster of emotions ever since. We are trying to work through it, but every so often I will ask him about the ow and his actions, and get angry. Not physically, or throwing things around or anything like that. He says I have an 'aggressive' tone (I'm not shouting, although I have done when first finding out, but quite cold and cross) and ask him to confirm how he behaved etc. I will tell him he behaved like a shit, is selfish...

He has had no consequences apart from my anger, arguments, some boundaries regarding interaction with others, and my reduced opinion of him. We actually do get on well a lot of the time, but every so often something will trigger my anger about what he did, or I'll find out some new little thing, and I'll have a go.

There isn't a single day since finding out that I haven't been upset by some negative thought or another related to his cheating. Yet unless I'm discussing it with him (and it's by no means every day now) he's dismissed it. So in my mind, it is totally fair that he put up with my being verbally aggressive towards him every so often, if I'm suffering because of his behaviour. How else am I supposed to work through it? And tbh I don't see why I should go out of my way to hide the pain he caused, or only be pleasant to him, when he created this situation. Is that unreasonable of me to think he shouldn't get off Scot free and be able to ignore my pain and anger?

That's no way for either of you to live. Why don't you split up?

Have you been to counselling together?

I was definitely "verbally aggressive" to my ex a year after his affair, so I sympathise to some extent. But we weren't trying to get back together again. Are you?

Of course he's right. He doesn't have to put up with it, every day or few days for a year. He could leave if he wanted. So could you.

I don't think it's fair that he puts up with your being verbally aggressive.

He was a shit and he cheated. He fucked up. But you decided to work through it.

No one should put up with someone being verbally aggressive to them. If it's upsetting you everyday, then you need some outside help. This is no way for you to live.

He fucked up and made mistake. But you can't keep doing this forever.

Think of it this way. What would you say to a woman posting who had cheated, but was trying to work through it but her husband was being repeatedly verbally aggressive and told her that it was a suitable punishment and she should put up with it?

He has done something horrible, and the anger and hurt are understandable. But it's no way to live doe you both.

Do you want to stay with him? If so, why?

Boysandbuses has pretty much said what I wanted to say but am too tired to properly articulate.

and ask him to confirm how he behaved etc. I will tell him he behaved like a shit, is selfish...

This is concerning. Sitting and making someone repeat their failings, then going through them yourself is quite awful.

Can you imagine doing that to your child? Or another adult? Of him doing that to you?

I mean him doing that to you, if you fucked up?

Do you actually want your marriage to work or do you want to punish him?

This really doesn't sound like a good marriage for either of you. It is never okay to be verbally aggressive towards someone. Have you sought any external help such as counselling?

Me accusing him of being selfish is in response to him telling me what he did and why, it's not like I randomly accuse him of stuff at a random times during the day. Any verbal aggression is during these discussions.

We are trying to make it work because we do (I think) love each other. He obviously didn't love me at the time he cheated, and I don't love him when I am overcome by thoughts of his infidelity. We have DC together, and would have said we had a very good marriage. I would have agreed with that apart from the fact that he had cheated and was therefore willing to continue in the marriage while keeping that secret from me.

So it's fine for him to walk away from the pain I am trying to process? And not have to engage with it at all??

Yes, and I have made large strides in dealing with it, but I do still have difficult times when I feel angry, no amount of counselling is going to change that.

You either leave him or try to put this behind you. This cannot continue.
It isn’t fair on either of you

If you’re stupid enough to take back a cheat then you can’t keep bringing it up and creating arguments. That’s cruel.

Any verbal aggression is during these discussions.

I repeat what I say before, verbal aggression is never okay.

You either leave him or try to put this behind you. This cannot continue.
It isn’t fair on either of you

I agree with this ^^

If no amount of counselling is going to change your anger, you really need to leave.

When it happened to me I just couldn’t stop going over it. Ex didn’t see any positive reason to go over the same old shit, at the end of the day he cheated. So I asked him to leave. I actually don’t think you can heal while in this situation. He is thinking it’s all in the past and doesn’t need re hashing. You are still grieving and wanting the details. It’s unhealthy and it would be hard to stay in this situation indefinitely. Maybe counselling for you might be useful. Somewhere you can, in a safe place, process your anger.
I lasted six months. Anymore would have killed me. He left and that was the end of a 20 year relationship.
Some people believe you can carry on after so,done has cheated and I’ve had friend who’ve tried as I did. It’s never worked

Me accusing him of being selfish is in response to him telling me what he did and why,
Who brings the subject up at all? How often is it brought up? And why did he do these things; what reason can he give?

So it's fine for him to walk away from the pain I am trying to process? And not have to engage with it at all??
You calling him names is not him engaging with anything.
Of course he needs to engage with it, to help you get over it. But how is this particular method of yours going to improve your relationship, if that is the ultimate aim?

What do you love about him?

What counselling have you had?

So sorry you are going through this, @Fortunatelymine

This is why, for me, an affair is a deal breaker, i just don't think i could get over it. Trying would destroy me and then suddenly its me having to make all the adjustments, while he just had to stop doing something generally accepted as wrong

try to put this behind you
I am trying very hard to do so!

And after less than a year I still feel angry about him cheating and call him selfish during a discussion about it - so I should leave? Jeez.

He was a bastard yet I shouldn't ever mention it? Really? I'm astounded.

Well, yes.

He was a bastard yet I shouldn't ever mention it? Really? I'm astounded.
Did anyone say that?

You need counselling.

He was a bastard yet I shouldn't ever mention it?

Name calling is emotional abuse. There are healthier ways of dealing with things rather than name calling. How is it helpful for the discussion and moving forwards?

Would you say it's okay to hit him because he cheated? If not why is emotional abuse okay?

raven if I have a question triggered by something I heard/read etc, I'll ask. It's maybe down to a couple of times a month now, but I don't think everything comes out initially all at once. His reason comes back to wanting someone new (was actually someone he'd known a few years who had just become single) and being too selfish to break it off with me before trying her out.

Thanks finallyhere. That's what it feels like. He got all the fun and no hassle. I'm the one trying to pick up the pieces and work through how shit he made me feel.

So if someone fucks someone else behind your back, you can't call them selfish? Haha.
Calling him selfish in a discussion of his behaviour (after he himself said he did it because he was selfish) is nothing like hitting him. Don't be ridiculous.