"I don't have to put up with you being verbally aggressive"

[Fortunatelymine]

Dh cheated, I found out last year, and have been through the rollercoaster of emotions ever since. We are trying to work through it, but every so often I will ask him about the ow and his actions, and get angry. Not physically, or throwing things around or anything like that. He says I have an 'aggressive' tone (I'm not shouting, although I have done when first finding out, but quite cold and cross) and ask him to confirm how he behaved etc. I will tell him he behaved like a shit, is selfish...

He has had no consequences apart from my anger, arguments, some boundaries regarding interaction with others, and my reduced opinion of him. We actually do get on well a lot of the time, but every so often something will trigger my anger about what he did, or I'll find out some new little thing, and I'll have a go.

There isn't a single day since finding out that I haven't been upset by some negative thought or another related to his cheating. Yet unless I'm discussing it with him (and it's by no means every day now) he's dismissed it. So in my mind, it is totally fair that he put up with my being verbally aggressive towards him every so often, if I'm suffering because of his behaviour. How else am I supposed to work through it? And tbh I don't see why I should go out of my way to hide the pain he caused, or only be pleasant to him, when he created this situation. Is that unreasonable of me to think he shouldn't get off Scot free and be able to ignore my pain and anger?

Fortunately it's an utterly shit situation for you. Do you think that there's an element of him being "over it" because (apart from it not being his trust and world ripped apart!) the affair was longer ago for him than you? After all, as far as he is concerned it finished when it finished. As far as you're concerned, the betrayal was only 8 months ago when you discovered it.

I think maybe you are looking for some kind of justice. That's totally understandable and a very normal human reaction. But this situation is innately unjust. He is not going to be as hurt or as angry or as damaged by any of this as you are. The only way you can ever move past this is if you can come to terms with that. It's really unfair, but it's just the way it is.

That said, he could certainly be doing more than he is to empathise with the way you are feeling, and to take time and care in reassuring you. Also understanding that what you're going through is not a linear process; you aren't just going to steadily get happier/trust him more/be less angry. You will have periods of being OK and then something will trigger you (like him working away) and it will suddenly feel like it happened yesterday. He needs to support you. To be honest, the fact that he is not falling over himself to do so is not a good sign at all.

My dad was on his best behaviour for about 4 or 5 months after he came home. After that he expected my mum to be over it and if it ever came up it was "well you've played your trump card now" and off he would stomp in a temper. If you try and think about it as objectively as possible, you probably know whether he is invested in rebuilding a new and improved relationship with you or whether he just wants it brushed under the carpet and is basically happy for you to be miserable as long as you don't hassle him about it.

I think its fine time call him selfish for cheating

Cheaters need to understand the betrayed party will have fits of anger and rage...they've been hurt very badly and calling it a mistake us minimising quite frankly.

A remorseful cheater will understand this is a consequence of their infidelity and that you're coming from a place of hurt.

I question whether he really 'gets it'.

Your counsellor was right about the timeframe. A pp said it didn't help...but I disagree.

It's so that you know you're feelings are normal.

Infidelity and reconciliation are a tough combination with a remorseful spouse... your H is not showing true remorse.

Looking at dating sites after the affair don't bode well either.

You can't trust him with your heart and he's not giving you any reason to regain his trust.

It's really not as simple as I cheated ...it's over...let's move on.

Any poor choice like this warrants a consequence.

What consequences has he faced?

But that's not what you are doing or achieving. Verbally abusing him, making him repeat the story while you repeat his negative traits and doing this everyone week, isn't helping heal you.

I'm not going to respond to any more of this type of comment. It is exceedingly ignorant. As I have stated, it is recommended and recognised practice to revisit the timeline, and ask new q etc to work through the issue. And if anyone thinks calling someone a selfish bastard after such a discussion, and this happening a couple of times a month after 8 months past discovery is abuse and unusual, you really don't understand a thing. Go and read the books, speak to counselors, engage on the surviving infidelity website. I have, and know it's not unusual. Nor is it abuse of the same magnitude that he abused our relationship. That's not what I asked about. You are all basically saying that all the ppl who have a problem with a cheating partner should what? Say their piece then never mention it again? That's not how it works, and very damaging to the prospects of recovery for both the betrayed and the relationship. You really don't get it, and it would be good to educate yourselves on that before making blinkered statements.

And as for your comment about concern for the children sethis, what a simply ridiculous statement. I don't call my children names, and I don't bring up their misdemeanors repeatedly. It is totally different to this very specific situation, and if you can't see that, that's very worrying.

If you feel that this is the price he must pay, then only he can decide if it's worth paying it. I think he will ultimately decide not to

And if he decides that, then I will be well rid of him. He caused the situation, and as we are both working on it, has a duty to stand by me when I am having a really shitty time because of that.

The thing about staying together is healing, forgiving, talking, love. There is none of that here, on either side

You're obviously a great expert on this bluntness? Been through it yourself? I have already mentioned we love each other and talk through it. This is part of the process, many many ppl have been where I am. And still reconciled.

You're obviously, and understandably, very angry. I think you won't feel better or be able to move on until you have regained the power and self respect he has stolen from you with his act of aggression against you (having an affair is an aggressive act against someone who trusted you). I think you should leave. You might get back together, you might not, but you need to get back in charge of your own life.

You're not ready to be married anymore. Does that make any sense? Nor is he by the sound of it.

In time your anger will lessen- in time it is possible to recapture the trust and relationship you once had. It is that way for my mum and dad (he cheated on her). It took a long time to recover, but they did and are very happy today.

Thanks. Yes, the angry and doubt etc has subsided a lot since finding out. From not being able to look at him without rage, to calling him a selfish bastard a few days out of 30. It's a big step in the right direction, and not unusual according to everything I have discovered.

I think he deserves your anger- if he doesn’t think he deserves it, then he doesn’t understand why what he did was so terrible. That, I should think, is the bigger problem.

Yes, I'm worried that he hasn't realised the magnitude of the problem he caused, because he thinks I should be fine after 8 months, or at least keeping my doubts/anger to myself? That's not much support.

Thanks for the link another20. We've actually both read that, and others, although they have come from me to him, he didn't take the initiative on any. I can understand wanting the whole recovery process to be over asap and not wanting to have to go through his shit behaviour repeatedly, but that's really not how you get through it. It's common for the betrayed to do this, but whenever it happens I wonder how much he really understands about how much work he needs to put in.

Leave and regain your self worth and self love. You and your daughter deserve better.

coastal, sandy, thanks, its very clear to me now that this wasn't an appropriate question to ask ppl who haven't been involved in a similar situation, no doubt if I post on the infidelities sites there will be many more informed views than on here. I might do that, after I get over being called an abuser whose children need to be pitied!

We are both working to improve the situation, and I can understand why he might get frustrated, as yes, for him it was over and done many years ago and he'd chosen to be with me once the excitement of a new person wore off. Whereas is only 8 months ago for me. I'm just so very tired of it all, because being told he doesn't need to pit up with verbal aggression feels like a step back. And notice that the 'victim' said verbal aggression here, ppl, not verbal abuse. And he's in a position to recognise the difference.

You need counselling. He needs to make the time for it.

It might bring you back together and it might be the point at which you decide you would rather separate - but it's better than feeling like this.

And if he doesn't make the time and commit to it (I assume he has actually said sincerely that he is sorry - if not, then it's less hopeful) whilst insulting you for being upset, hurt and angry - then you have a clear answer from him.

OP what exactly do you want from this thread? Genuine question.

And if he doesn't make the time and commit to it
Bit hard at the moment with him being away.

OP what exactly do you want from this thread? Genuine question.
Already stated.

Ok I'll rephrase the question: why are you so argumentative about any reply that isn't patting you on the arse and congratulating you for you behaviour?

Because it's clear that verbal abuse and verbal aggression as a result of difficult conversations in a highly emotive situation are different things, yet I am being told I am an abuser, who no doubt abuses my DC as well. Apparently I should stfu and leave because I am triggered two out of 30 days 8 months after finding out a lot of shitty things my partner of approx ten years (at the time) deliberately did and need to move on and forgive that. Right now.
It is also very clear that some ppl are not actually reading posts, and are over dramatizing. I very clearly do not verbally abuse him every day, as I have been accused of.
I understand that if you haven't been in the position you are unlikely to realise the extent of emotions involved. I didn't either until it happened to me. I have read a lot of information and discussed with many ppl who are familiar with the process of recovery, yet am told I am wrong and unreasonable by posters with no intimate knowledge of these issues, who dismiss the advice of infidelity counselors and sufferers. That is why I am argumentative. I have not been congratulated on my behaviour at all, but some ppl can understand it. What an ignorant and offensive comment to make.

Having been through similar, I can tell you the best decision I made was to quit. The relationship was utterly not worth the pain.

How was the relationship apart from the cheating issue category? Had you got on well apart from that, was it a one off, and how much did he put into the recovery process?
I think it will always hurt that he made that decision to cheat, I don't see how it couldn't hurt to realise that at some point your partner didn't give a damn about or respect you or the relationship. But I can see how that hurt may fade in time. I'm hoping the good things will outweigh that at some point, but I would need to be assured that he would never repeat it, and I'm just not sure yet. Was that how it was for you?

OP he is a serial cheat. He doesnt love you or respect you. One night stands, porn, looking for somebody different to shag? Wake up fgs, people DONT DO THAT to people they love. It’s over.

OP I think you took my comment upthread as a criticism, it wasn't! You don't have to forgive, or forget, no way. You can leave him! He's just one man out of billions on the planet, and he's lied and cheated and upset you over and over again. You only get a few years on this planet, don't waste any more in this situation if it's making you unhappy

We always got on well, we still do really. We tried counselling. Tried quite a lot of things. Twisted myself in knots trying. I recognise a lot of the surviving infidelity stuff.

We got through the first time, but it was just a cycle, he did it again. And it was never the same afterwards anyway.

Wake up fgs, people DONT DO THAT to people they love.
I know. He says the ons didn't happen, he was wrong about the ow and bitterly regrets it, the dating site profile was idle curiosity, the porn is something most men do and he didn't think it was bad. I can even see how someone would lie about cheating if they regretted it and didn't want the marriage to suffer if it came out.
But how to trust someone who lied for so long? I don't know. That's the thing. Trying to decide if the current pain and doubt is worth the possibly good relationship a few years down the line. If he can actually be trusted.

I also don't want to put the DC through any unnecessary hassle, nor jump into getting rid of a nice house for two cheaper places, etc, if we can work through it. I'm constantly aware of trying to do the best for the future of all involved, which is why it pisses me off when dh can't put up with having to face up to what he did a few times a month, and the consequent bad feeling from the person he betrayed. He is actually having quite an easy time of it. I really don't understand how he could think it would be any other way. He said he lied because he thought the marriage would be over if I found out. So surely verbal aggression is better than that?

Only consequences are restrictions on who he socialises with (ie no longer anything with a single female) and telling me where he is/what he is doing, and being available to check this. It's draining, but I don't see any other way of building the trust again.

That level of lying is habitual and he's still minimising.

people DONT DO THAT to people they love. Actually I'm completely sure my ex loved me. He never wanted to split up and he was still wanting to come back right up til when he remarried . He might even come back now if I were to ask him. It's simplistic to say people don't do bad things to people they love - they bloody do. The problem is placing too much value on love as if it makes it worth putting up with a ton of crap. It doesn't.

Forgiveness is a process.

It will take you longer than 8 months.

Thing is, your reactions are normal. You have been stabbed in the back. You are in pain.

It may be that there are good things in the relationship. It may be that it can be rebuilt.

I would say not. Because the root causes havent been addressed.

You can address your side of the fence but he is still on dating sites. He will do it again. And it will hurt the same as last time and probably more.

Have counselling to build up your self esteem and self worth. After that you will probably find he disgusts you too much to stay.

Being angry has a purpose. Use it to propel yourself out of a poor relationship.

Are you me OP!! Almost identical scenario including the secretive porn, except in my case it was an EA from quite a lot of years ago that I found out 2 years ago. I was very upset and verbal at that time, it has now for the last 6 months been the thing that is never mentioned. It is ‘the elephant in the room’. I do know he is upset that he upset me so much, however there is no way he would read stuff related to helping partners heal etc , because for him it is a very old infatuation and ‘not happening now’ I don’t ask questions at all anymore, he just gets agitated and says he can’t remember. The other thing is people said about having to forgive/forget as you have agreed to work through it. I never actually said I would work through it , I just didn’t leave or ask him to leave and it became kind of ‘presumed’. The only reason I didnt was because I was in a vulnerable position financially. I do care about him, I like ‘him’ a lot of the time but not sure longterm if I want to live with someone who isn’t always ‘open’ and I’m not sure I trust as much anymore. Feel for you OP, the anger that brews inside is pretty horrid I know, and to be honest as my gran used to say, if you can’t do the time, dont do the crime. I am quite sure you aren’t there calling him abastard non stop, I think people have misinterpreted this, getting get up is normal in this situation. Clearly some people are just saints on here or have never been in this actual position