"I don't have to put up with you being verbally aggressive"

[Fortunatelymine]

Dh cheated, I found out last year, and have been through the rollercoaster of emotions ever since. We are trying to work through it, but every so often I will ask him about the ow and his actions, and get angry. Not physically, or throwing things around or anything like that. He says I have an 'aggressive' tone (I'm not shouting, although I have done when first finding out, but quite cold and cross) and ask him to confirm how he behaved etc. I will tell him he behaved like a shit, is selfish...

He has had no consequences apart from my anger, arguments, some boundaries regarding interaction with others, and my reduced opinion of him. We actually do get on well a lot of the time, but every so often something will trigger my anger about what he did, or I'll find out some new little thing, and I'll have a go.

There isn't a single day since finding out that I haven't been upset by some negative thought or another related to his cheating. Yet unless I'm discussing it with him (and it's by no means every day now) he's dismissed it. So in my mind, it is totally fair that he put up with my being verbally aggressive towards him every so often, if I'm suffering because of his behaviour. How else am I supposed to work through it? And tbh I don't see why I should go out of my way to hide the pain he caused, or only be pleasant to him, when he created this situation. Is that unreasonable of me to think he shouldn't get off Scot free and be able to ignore my pain and anger?

It makes me wonder if some ppl are actually reading posts... I don't go on at him every day, despite feeling hurt every day. I found out about 8 monthd ago, and according to counselor it can take two to five years to get over it. Also is a factor in healing and getting over it together that it is discussed and not swept under the rug. And that details are gone over and over as a way of processing them, so I'm not going to feel guilty about any of that, because I know it is common and necessary. Yes, he said he was selfish, so I call him selfish. Such harsh abuse

queenie you are right. I see him having to listen and deal with my anger and pain because of his actions as a fair trade for the hurt he caused which I am coming to terms with. Not punishment. Although I will admit to wanting him to know what it feels like to be treated with such disrespect by someone who supposedly loves you as you do them.

It's hard to see if things have changed, because it's all words really. He may be considerate for a while,, but then gets arsey when I ask something else. And we haven't had couples counseling because he works away for the majority of the year. So again, I have no idea if things will change, because him planning ons, getting with the ow, and looking at dating sites (though he said that was one profile, out of interest) have all occurred when away from home. I have recently wondered if this is a reoccurring pattern (ons, remorse and promises, ow, remorse although I didn't know at the time, dating sites, remorse again didn't know until later, copious amounts of porn while at home and away... ) and am thinking the pattern is likely to continue, although he says now I've found out he realised how bad it was, and will do things differently. Only time will tell I guess, as he still has to work away. He did apologize, and has done a few times. (He did start off by blaming it on us going through a bad patch - as he'd just started working away most of the time and we barely saw each other, let alone do anything nice together.) Only after I've visibly been having a bad day though.

Thanks for your thoughts coastal and wizard. As I said earlier I don't ask as often now, with increasingly less frequency, and if I was still bringing it up every month in a few years time I might concede defeat. But as a counselor said, 2 to 5 years is average.

A year down the line you really shouldn't be experiencing such raw emotion and pain

I think it is well within the spectrum of a normal human response to being deliberately hurt by a life partner

Of course it's normal to feel angry and hurt. But the OP doesn't seem to be moving forward at all from what she's written. And the fact that she feels her husband is dismissive of her feelings is not conducive to repairing their marriage. I still think that to feel as raw about it as she does at this point is more down to her husband's lack of effort and work on the relationship. Saying it's just a "normal human response" on her part kind of lets him off the hook.

OP you need to listen to pp because you are too caught up in your anger.
Yes he was a bastard to cheat but you chose to take him back and work on your marriage. And to bring up the cheating and call him names is not fair. This will turn into you being the problem unfortunately.
It’s not healthy and it won’t help your marriage.

Either let it go or let him go.

In my opinion, there are 2 types of people- those who can forgive cheating and mean it, and those who can't but try to and stay in a miserable, angry relationship. You can guess which one you seem to be.

If you can't forgive, and I wouldn't either, then you're the one being punished by refusing to admit the relationship you had is gone, because of his actions.

Forget it’s an affair for the moment.

If it was a poor financial decision, or he dinged the car parking it, or made another mistake that caused a consequence to the family - would you think it reasonable to keep bringing the subject up again and again and berate him for it? Would you accept it was fair of him to keep rubbing your nose in it if it was you that had made the mistake?

Would you want to stay in a workplace where an incorrect decision you’d made kept being brought up in meetings and pay reviews, long after you’d made it?

People can’t live with the past being dredged up repeatedly. You need to find a way (counselling possibly) to come to terms with it or, as PP have said, maybe it’s better for you both to split up.

greendaffy thank you for sharing your experience. Sorry you've had it too, and I can understand staying for the dc. How do you both get on nowadays?

Reagan leave or get over it. That is exactly what I am trying to do. I'll not forgive him for the premeditation, execution and length of his infidelity, at the meet I really don't get why someone would forgive that kind of behaviour. I may get over it in the sense that it doesn't affect me much anymore and we move past it, but forgive? Nope.

I don't need to go shag anyone else. I mentioned him having all the fun in that he only experienced positives, I only experience negatives. If he still wants to shag someone else he is quite entitled to, but I deserve honesty from him, and a clean break before he does so.

This sounds pretty toxic, op - I get you want to "punish" him, but picking over things a couple of times a month is a good way to stop things from healing. I think it might be an idea to consider whether this is a relationship worth saving, as your children will be picking up on this dynamic, even if you think they're too young.

So you do feel like his admission of guilt is actually not as apologetic as it sounds, is all hot air?
Maybe this is getting closer to the problem; that you think he's just apologising now but will do it again, as he has done before? (The other times you didn't know about before, right?)
My ex also got into this type of thing while working away. Out of sight, out of mind.

Do you see yourself regaining any trust in him? As it seems unlikely to make either of you happy otherwise.
Why do you think he is staying?

I deserve honesty from him, and a clean break before he does so
Are you in some way trying to get him to leave you, to make that clean break?

Just seen your last post. If you don't ever want to be able to forgive him, leave now.

Forgiving isn't making excuses for the other person. It's something you do, that benefits you, by being able to put the hurt behind you. I forgave my ex for cheating on me whilst I was pregnant with an injecting drug user - because the bitterness was eating me up. He got no benefit from it, but it freed me. (I had already ended our relationship)

Bollocks to that. He cheated. He betrayed you. Working through your feelings about it is normal, including anger. He should be grovelling and accepting that he broke your relationship and he needs to take responsibility for fixing it and regaining your trust.

But instead he’s turning it back on you: ‘how dare you behave disrespectfully towards me after I fucked someone else and betrayed you! I shouldn’t have to put up with this!”

Dickhead. I’d move on if I were you OP.

You can guess which one you seem to be. After 8 months post d-day? I'd seriously wonder about ppl who forgave and were completely over it so quickly, given the near 10 years we had together previously.

Premeditated regular sex with someone behind you back is completely different to a bad financial decision (not premeditated and done purposefully) or dinging the car (accidentally). There is a lot more to it in terms of deliberate betrayal, and therefore a lot more to work through.

I'm very disturbed by the fact that ppl seem to think that someone can do something like that and expect to never have it mentioned again. If I'd cheated, I would expect to be asked about it when my partner was triggered, and if I had been a bastard, I would accept being called that when my partner was upset. It's not much to put up with, having sneaked off to shag someone else for months, is it?

greendaffy thank you for sharing your experience. Sorry you've had it too, and I can understand staying for the dc. How do you both get on nowadays?

We plod on. I get the hump 'cos she still has a social life outside of the home while I don't. That is my choice because I don't trust anyone anymore to allow myself to get close to them. I've just lost faith in everyone.
It just doesn't seem right (or fair) that the guilty party gets to be able to move on and the innocent suffer. But again, that's my choice, albeit heavily influenced.

If it was a poor financial decision, or he dinged the car parking it, or made another mistake that caused a consequence to the family - would you think it reasonable to keep bringing the subject up again and again and berate him for it?

But none of that is comparable to being betrayed by a spouse with a third party. The impact on your emotions, your wellbeing, everything, is just not the same. So of course your response to it would be different.

Maybe this is getting closer to the problem; that you think he's just apologising now but will do it again, as he has done before? (The other times you didn't know about before, right?)

Exactly. I do think he is staying because he loves me, we have a house, kids and a good life together. Or at least we did until I found out. He did stop the affair of his own accord, and apparently decide to commit properly to me at that point, but since then he has had the copious amounts of porn and looked at dating profiles (he says one, out of interest) while away from home, which he kept hidden, so of course I'm wondering what else he may have been up to while away, which I have no chance of finding out about. Seems like a certain mindset, which would result in something else down the line, whether I find out or not.

I would dearly love to be able to trust him again, but after putting my trust in him before (after ons), thinking he was trustworthy then finding out he wasn't, I think I'd be a mug to do that at the moment.

No it isn't fair. But having decided to stay you have to look forward. If he has admitted, apologised, stopped cheating and is making an effort to rebuild things then no you can't actually keep throwing it back at him if you want the marriage to survive. You sound very angry still and whilst that is completely understandable it might be that you need individual counselling to help with that. It is his fault but using him as a punching bag isn't going to save your marriage. My mum has been doing this to my dad for 30 years. It's not pretty.

But instead he’s turning it back on you: ‘how dare you behave disrespectfully towards me after I fucked someone else and betrayed you! I shouldn’t have to put up with this!”

Yes! That is how it feels!

Trust will take years to build.

To be honest I don't think the counsellor giving you a time frame as helped. You holding on to '5 year's' doesn't seem to be helping you.

I totally get how hurt and angry you must be. But you can't keep verbally abusing him and making him go over and over it.

Not if you want you marriage to work. If you don't, that's ok too. But you need to pick what you want more. Do you want to move forward or do you want to punish him more.

ons, remorse and promises, ow, remorse although I didn't know at the time, dating sites, remorse again

OP, so he has cheated before (ons) and been on dating sites? If true I think this is a hopeless cause and you shoudl leave him.

What about your DC? Surely they must be picking up the sense that things are wrong between you?

If you can never forgive him op and raising this regularly then you probably need to both split up, you can't live like this.

But I'm wondering why you posted, it seems you only want validation, not to be told this isn't right.

It will be at the stage what can possibly be discussed, has been discussed. So everything else is just making him continue to pay. If you wish your marriage to work, then you Have to stop making him pay. If you can't do this, then your marriage will end anyway. No one can live like this for an extended period, it's too toxic and damaging.

He's an arse. Did the other woman dump him? Does he really want to be with you? He doesn't understand how hurt you are, he thinks you should just get over it. It wasn't a drunk night of passion, he was really threatening your family. I would let him go and have a think about what he wants or you will always have this elephant in the room. He needs to feel remorse and make it up to you every day, so you feel he is sorry and truly loves you, not like he's doing you a favour. You deserve better.

OP, I may be reading this all wrong, but I get the feeling that you are unable to put it behind you because it has NOT been resolved. You cannot trust him.
You don’t feel that your DH is completely remorseful and determined to never cheat again. You think he just wants you to shut up about it and stop giving him a hard time. He’s sorry he was caught, not sorry for the cheating.
You mention dating sites and porn - that sounds like you have a serial cheater on your hands.
I think you only have two choices. One is LTB - he will never change.
The second is - stay with a man, who you know in your heart of hearts is highly likely to do this again, and just keep sucking up the pain and betrayal every time.
Your call.

Honestly you sound bitter and like you want to punish him. I don’t blame you but I can’t see how you can continue a relationship with someone if you feel this way.

This isn't what you want to hear, but I think you should leave. I really do not see how this relationship can work. He will eventually cheat and/or leave you for someone else. Based on your updates it's very hard to come to any other conclusion. It's hard but I can't help but think in the long run you will be better off without him. And I don't say this lightly, I do understand that you have children and a good life with him in other respects. But he isn't in this for the long run anymore, his behaviour has made that very clear.