"I don't have to put up with you being verbally aggressive"

[Fortunatelymine]

Dh cheated, I found out last year, and have been through the rollercoaster of emotions ever since. We are trying to work through it, but every so often I will ask him about the ow and his actions, and get angry. Not physically, or throwing things around or anything like that. He says I have an 'aggressive' tone (I'm not shouting, although I have done when first finding out, but quite cold and cross) and ask him to confirm how he behaved etc. I will tell him he behaved like a shit, is selfish...

He has had no consequences apart from my anger, arguments, some boundaries regarding interaction with others, and my reduced opinion of him. We actually do get on well a lot of the time, but every so often something will trigger my anger about what he did, or I'll find out some new little thing, and I'll have a go.

There isn't a single day since finding out that I haven't been upset by some negative thought or another related to his cheating. Yet unless I'm discussing it with him (and it's by no means every day now) he's dismissed it. So in my mind, it is totally fair that he put up with my being verbally aggressive towards him every so often, if I'm suffering because of his behaviour. How else am I supposed to work through it? And tbh I don't see why I should go out of my way to hide the pain he caused, or only be pleasant to him, when he created this situation. Is that unreasonable of me to think he shouldn't get off Scot free and be able to ignore my pain and anger?

But I'm wondering why you posted, it seems you only want validation, not to be told this isn't right.

I was asking about his comment re me being verbally aggressive and him not having to put up with it. I think he should if he wants us to work through it, just as I have to put up with the mind movies, feeling of betrayal, uncertainty, etc. Why should he get to walk away when it gets difficult? I can't walk away from what he did. Seems a small price to pay, being called a selfish bastard a couple of times a month (and increasingly less), after your spouse has recently found out you cheated on them and is trying to come terms with and process it.

It will be at the stage what can possibly be discussed, has been discussed
And we're not there yet, as previously mentioned.

You holding on to '5 year's' doesn't seem to be helping you
Im not holding onto 5 years. If on average it takes two to five years to get over it, I don't think ppl should be telling me I should be over it, or get over it or leave, eight months down the line. I don't think I'm doing that badly on that time scale.

You want to punish him. You say you don't want him to get away with this without repercussions. It's fine to feel that way, but that's no basis for a marriage or a relationship. It's over. You need to accept that and move on.

It was his actions that caused this, it was his actions that's killed the relationship, but your actions mean it can't be fixed.

I don't think I could forgive that level of is deceit, once trust had given for me I don't think it's possible to get it back easily. Yet I know many other couples who have overcome affairs. But, it doesn't sound like you can. Perhaps look at counselling or having a trail separation.

Well you can walk away from what he did. Wanting to talk about how you feel and why he acted how he did is completely reasonable. Being upset is to be expected. Feeling angry is normal.
You can’t expect him to accept being verbally attacked until you decide he’s suffered enough.

Crossed posts.

Here is the thing though, from you last post I can feel how hurt you are. You want to hurt him, but all your doing is causing yourself more harm. Holding onto hate is like taking poison yourself and expecting the other person to drop down dead.

He was wrong, he hurt you, her disrespected the relationship and degraded your trust. He is in the wrong, but here is the thing. The relationship cannot survive if you can't let it go. It's nit right or fair, he did wrong but you need to be the bigger person and let it go if it is going to work. But I don't think it can, you are so hurt, rightfully, no one is saying you shouldn't be hurt, of course you are but it's not going to heal the relationship.

Name calling is wrong though. If you think he is a selfish bastard then leave now, all you are doing is hurting each other. No healing will come from that. If you were to reevaluate how to say things then it can mean a very different things. So if you say, I'm still hurting because you betrayed my trust and I'm finding that difficult to deal with then I would be in your side, he does need to try and be sorry ... but we haven't heard that side, your obviously still together, how did it end, did he apologise how did you take him back?

But either way, name calling a few times a month isn't right, no matter what they did, I assume you don't believe the thing your calling him because you still want to be with him. No one is one thing, he isn't a selfish bastard, he is someone who did something selfish and that means a whole different thing.

No he shouldn't have to just put up with being verbally abused. No one should.

You can’t expect him to accept being verbally attacked until you decide he’s suffered enough.

^ this. How will you decide he has suffered enough exacyly?

OP you are understandably angry with this man, he betrayed you and hurt you, you chose to try and work through it, but sadly some relationships can not come back from cheating, and although it is heartbreaking when what was once a good relationship ends it is the best way to move on and find happiness. Clinging on in the hope you can have what you used to have is going to make you miserable - you can’t go back, only forwards, and for a marriage to work it needs to be a partnership, do you think you and DH are a partnership ?

OP, how the hell can you regain trust when he works away for the majority of the year? If this is your life for the foreseeable future then I can't imagine how painful this must be, you know he looks at dating sites, you know he has plenty of opportunity to cheat without you finding out.

I couldn't do it, you must be a saint to attempt it.

Fortunately, I'm a little sleep deprived and I'm not sure I've followed your story correctly. Is the episode of cheating that you mention in your OP the same as the ONS that you talk about in your updates? Or are they two separate events? And is the obsessive porn use and dating profile something that has happened since you found out your husband cheated 8 months ago?

I'm just trying to grasp whether the problem is that he hasn't really put any effort into rebuilding trust and repairing things, or whether he's actually continued to lie and behave badly after the point where you found out about the cheating.

Either way, it's obvious that him working away will be a trigger for you given his form for using that opportunity to indulge in extra marital sex, excessive porn use and dating apps. He should be understanding of this and actively trying to reassure you.

Sorry, hope that makes sense. I'm running on fumes today.

OP, I understand exactly how you feel. There has been no real consequences for him but you are still suffering. He will never feel the pain that he put you through and there's no point trying to even the scales.

He's right that he doesn't have to put up with anything. He can leave, you're not holding him prisoner he can take his crap and go. The vows that he broke means that you don't owe him anything. He needs to understand that.

If it was that easy to LTB as so many on here say, you wouldn't have taken him back. Take care of yourself, build your life out with the marriage, focus on you. You be selfish for a change.

Well he does if he wants to stay with you apparently. What exactly is he expecting? For you to just drop it like a nice little wifey? If you are angry and want to punish him then you are perfectly justified but if you are trying to rebuild your relationship then you can’t keep punishing him forever.

You need counselling together. So you can get the answers you need, in a controlled environment.

The marriage will not survive 2-5 years of this. The counsellor who told you that, doesn't know it as a fact. And so many factors will impact how long it takes. The 2 major ones are your behaviour and his behaviour.

You can't keep going like this. It's not good for you.

You are still angry, because he is not sorry ENOUGH. After such a devastating betrayal he should be very sorry indeed and willing to do anything and everything to rebuild your trust... he’s not. In my experience the only marriages that survive long term after a. Afffair are those where both parties are willing to examine everything, openly without judgement. This takes time, but above all, a deep willingness to change and to value and respect the marriage. I don’t think he’s prepared to put the work in, you are left feeling resentful angry and bitter. Arguments. End .

This is no way to live. But if you want to carry on everything’s needs to change, he needs not to work away at all I would say, and you need to try very hard to express your needs clearly and non abusively...

I think perhaps subconsciously you’re trying to test him, to see how much he will put up with and therefore how much he loves you.

It sounds like he has ‘failed’ your test, which is just another disappointment heaped on top of the betrayal.

I really feel for you, this must be causing so much anguish. What do you want to happen from here?

Everyone I'm sure is in agreement that he was the one in the wrong etc and you can get as angry as you want but the irony here is that by you continuing to get angry about it to him still now is actually going to push him into walking away. You've every right to get aggressive if you still feel he should be being punished. You want him to feel the pain that you did and still do . It doesn't work this way though. Your counsellor saying it takes between 2-5 years was not in my opinion a helpful comment. If he or she had said it would take 6 months and you still feel this way would your feelings be any different? I doubt it

You can’t expect him to accept being verbally attacked until you decide he’s suffered enough.
Did I say that? As far as I'm concerned, if I'm hurting, he has an obligation to be a part of healing that, and if going over the narrative again and being told he's a selfish bastard is what it takes, he should be able to deal with that. He behaved like a very selfish bastard. It won't be forever, as so many of you are saying. Out of interest, it would be useful if ppl posting about how I should be over it, etc can state how long they took to get over a similar situation. If it hasn't happened to you, with all due respect, I don't think you realise how much it affects you. That is also an opinion held by a vast number of 'betrayed' ppl on forums for infidelity. As is the general 2-5 years to recover.

coastal ons was the first incident I noticed - condom missing from home which he eventually admitted to taking away with him. Didn't bring it back but said he hadn't used it. Remorseful. We stayed together as I thought he wouldn't be horrible enough to do anything again after promising never to cheat after that. Found out 8 months ago that a year or so after that he started shagging his old friend. He broke it off himself by all accounts, which I think is true as he was really weird one day, saying he wanted to break up (without giving a good reason) then changing his mind. I think he started with the porn a bit after that, and had looked at dating site/s a few years before I found out about all this, 8 months ago. At that point it was a regular few times most days porn habit. It's as if I didn't know what kind of a person I'd married at all. Especially as he'd said something which made me question that time period he was away, and he lied to my face about having cheated until I finally got proof from ow. So he has massive form for lying (although I can see how he may have lied because it coming out was pretty devastating to the marriage) and inappropriate behaviour while away. It's not as if I was ever looking for anything before, there could have been plenty going on, I'll never know. I only have his word, which is understandably not worth much. As far as I know he hasn't looked at porn or anything. We have done the recommended timeline and details, but it's taking a long time to come to terms with the betrayal, as I had the same issues (long term relationship, not seeing much of each other etc) and chose to work on us when we were together, not fuck someone else when apart!

Him going away again is very triggering. He says he realised how badly he behaved now. But I'm very cynical that he couldn't realise this himself before, and only says it now he's been found out. Although apparently he thought porn wasn't as bad as cheating and was OK (a habit of most days and lying about it is pretty gross in my eyes though).

9thcircle exactly. If he really doesn't think he should put up with it, he can choose to leave. But I would expect someone committed to working it out to take it on the chin and help me get through the shit emotions he caused. Thank you.

racecar yes, I do think that's what he wants. He's said sorry and promised to do better in the future. What more can he do?

Some of you previous posters really need to start washing the fruits and vegetables before you eat them!

Do you want real advice OP, or to be told what you want to hear ?

Sorry to sound like a knob OP but read what people are trying to tell you - yes what has happened is shit, and your partner cheating is entirely his fault, but sometimes you can’t come back from it, you sound very unhappy (and I’m not surprised under the circumstances) ask yourself is he worth all this misery?

If he or she had said it would take 6 months and you still feel this way would your feelings be any different? I doubt it
No, because I have done a lot of reading around as well, so I'm not going to beat myself up about still being intermittently angry and triggered at only 8 months down the line, if the general consensus is 2-5 years. That's from a vast number of ppl who have been through it.

But if you want to carry on everything’s needs to change, he needs not to work away at all I would say, and you need to try very hard to express your needs clearly and non abusively...
I have. And he is looking at the possibility of a transfer to a position where he doesn't have to work away. He still has a commitment to being away this year though.

I think perhaps subconsciously you’re trying to test him, to see how much he will put up with and therefore how much he loves you.
Maybe, but I don't think so. I want him to understand how much his desire to fuck someone else behind my back has hurt. I'm sure he'd be pretty cut up if I'd done what he had. How much damage the lies have done. How shit his overall behaviour has been. So maybe he won't want to be such a shit in the future, because he'll actually want to be a decent person instead. If he'd have said years ago, sorry, I want to go out with someone else, it would have hurt at the time. But it's nothing compared to the betrayal of years together and all those lies.

I want to be married to the nice guy I thought he was - the person he was for the first years of our relationship.

Did I say that? As far as I'm concerned, if I'm hurting, he has an obligation to be a part of healing that, and if going over the narrative again and being told he's a selfish bastard is what it takes, he should be able to deal with that

Yes he does have an obligation to be a part of your healing if you both want it to work. He does not have an obligation to put up with your abuse though. You obviously think it's okay to verbally abuse the person you apparently love and won't listen to anyone saying otherwise so I'm out. Don't expect your marriage to last long if you're going to abuse your spouse though.

If you are "mentioning" it several times a month then you are probably having close to weekly fights. This is not healthy. You can never make him feel the hurt that you are going through. No matter how angry you get or how much you cry. He will never feel what you are feeling right now, you will never end up with him really understanding. You need to find a way to deal with that.

As far as I'm concerned, if I'm hurting, he has an obligation to be a part of healing that, and if going over the narrative again and being told he's a selfish bastard is what it takes, he should be able to deal with that

To an extent. No one has to deal with being verbally abused under any circumstances. Carry on down this road and your marriage will be over anyway.

He should be part of the helping to heal you.

But that's not what you are doing or achieving. Verbally abusing him, making him repeat the story while you repeat his negative traits and doing this everyone week, isn't helping heal you.

Healing you doesn't happen by punishing him.

If it becomes about punishment and simply hurting him, the marriage is over and it would be healthier to walk away before anymore of this.

I really don't see why the two of you are still together. He doesn't have an obligation to sit and be abused by you as and when you get the urge. He is right on this.

If you feel that this is the price he must pay, then only he can decide if it's worth paying it. I think he will ultimately decide not to. The thing about staying together is healing, forgiving, talking, love. There is none of that here, on either side. It's simply you expect him to be abused as and when you feel like being abusive. That's never going to fix it

" just as I have to put up with the mind movies, feeling of betrayal, uncertainty, etc."

Neither of you need to put up with anything. You are quite free to leave your marriage.

As a pp said, he will NEVER feel the way you did no matter how much you might call him a selfish bastard. You're wasting precious time and energy and will end up killing your marriage anyway.

Op this is destroying you. Step away from the books , you have to find a better way to control your anger. Nothing you can do will make him feel the way you feel/felt but it sounds like you both have no respect for each other and are going to start hating each other if not already