H has left me

[confusedandunsure84]

I feel like such an idiot I just didn't see this coming.
We have been together 15 years and married for 10 with two DCs.

Everything was completely normal till this evening when I went to grab something from our room and he had left me a note saying that he is sorry and that he loves me but he isn't in love with me anymore and he thinks it best that we split up he is going to give me some space to get my head round it and then he will come back Sunday afternoon and we can talk to the DCs about it.

and thats it 15 years and he can't even be bothered to tell me face to face or even try to save the relationship. I thought if anything our marriage has been better than in recent years. We had a stressful few year TTC and then even more stress adopting the DCs and helping then settle into our home but this last 2 years things were getting back to normal. The DCs can be left with people now and they are both in school full time and we were getting more time to spend as a couple.

He hasn't even told me where he is and I don't know if I should text him or if that will make it worse. The DCs haven't noticed he is missing yet they probably think he is in work but they will notice tomorrow and I don't know what to tell them. Their worlds are going to be turned upside down and we promised them a stable happy home and now they have settled they are going to get messed around again. I have let them watch a DVD before bedtime as a treat but really its because every time I look at them I feel so upset and angry and guilty that this is happening and I didn't even see it coming.

I don't know how to feel I keep half expecting he to walk in and tell me that it has all been some sort of mistake or joke and of course he would never wreak our marriage.

I don't know what to do now. Do i beg him to at least talk to me or do I give him space and hope he sees sense . I am so confused and I just want to know what has happened because I just didn't realise he was unhappy or that anything was wrong and now it feels like its too late and its all gone to shit and I don't know what to do.

Hope u are ok op sadly i think there may be ow as well he still hasn’t really explained why he is so unhappy to walk away from you and dc

I’m going through my own marital difficulties but nothing in comparison to this. I wanted to send you a big hug. No one deserves to be treated like this and just left a note. I’d get legal advice immediately. Based on past experience with my ex when we broke up, I’d say possibly and most likely there is someone else involved in this with him. It’s rare a man just ups and leaves a relationship without a reason unless another person is involved sadly.

How are you doing these last few days op? Hope your meetings with the solicitor went as well as they could. Be kind to yourself

Oh OP, I've just been going through similar (mine did this in November). To be so blindsided whilst they are so cold and resolute feels absolutely devastating doesn't it. I'm more at peace with myself now, but it's all still really fucking hard. At the start of the post a couple of people recommended the Runaway Husband group on fb. Please do join if you haven't already, it's seriously been my life line and a real eye opener as to how similar a lot of stories are, helps me to feel stronger that I'm better off without him. I hope you and the kids are okay on this nasty rollercoaster. Just remember to take things an hour at a time right now if needs be, you'll feel a lot but you'll come through xxx

Could have been ‚only‘ an emotional affair at the point of leaving, which would explain his weird ‚I have done nothing wrong‘ mantra. Twat.

Thank you all I had an initial meeting with a solicitor on friday and they seem very good I am going back on Monday to start sorting out what I want to do properly.

On friday night MIL text me saying that H had told her and FIL what was really going on and how sorry they were that H has done this.
Then on Saturday morning MIL text asking to meet me while H took the DCs out because she wanted to talk.

So I met MIL and she told me that on the Friday after H told her what happened PILs asked him if he had another woman. He threw a tantrum and stormed out saying that PILs didn't trust him etc (but again didn't deny it).

Then Saturday morning he sat PILs down and told them that he didn't want to lie to his parents and that he has met another woman in work. That he has fallen in love with her and that it made him realise that he wasn't happy in our marriage. He begged PILs not to tell me and then he left to do his hobby before picking up the DCs. PiL talked about it and decided that I had a right to know and so MIL met up with me to tell because she said that if this was her marriage she would want to know they also expressed how sorry they were and that they felt like this was so out of character for H and they didn't understand why he was doing this.

He didn't tell PILs but I know that the other woman only joined his work at the end of November she was at his works Xmas party and she must only be in her early 20's so H is probably around 15 years older than her. So even if they started this other relationship from day one he hasn't even known her 2 months and he is throwing our whole marriage away for some pretty young woman he barely knows.

I haven't told H I know yet because I know I will lose it with him when I do and the DCs have always been around and they still don't know whats going on and they don't need to see us argue.

But I feel like such a complete idiot I just didn't see it coming at all I keep wondering why he loves her more than me. I know she is younger and prettier maybe I just wasn't making enough effort for him but we had a decent sex life and he never complained. Maybe I just got too complacent and just assumed he was happy because I was and now the DCs are the ones who are going to suffer because we couldn't keep our marriage together.

I wouldn’t say he loves her. Infatuated maybe. But doubt it’s love.

The fact he didn’t go straight round to her place and they aren’t all loved up playing house may indicate this is one sided.

Keep going op. Just because he is an idiot, doesn’t mean you are.

Oh OP, I am so sorry! He will regret throwing everything he had away, he will regret it. These affairs generally never last. When he comes down from the high, or when she leaves him for someone else, he will see what the mess he has made of his life, but then it will be too late. Have you suggested marriage counselling to him, and tell him you won't agree to a divorce until you both at least try counselling?

Aww bless you it's certainly a twist to the whole sorry story! So pleased your in laws were honest with you, he's most definitely had his heard turned but it probably hasn't registered his marriage has been thrown away for the sake of some bit of skirt new to the office. Keep your cool and get the financials in writing ASAP. Don't let on you know anything just yet. Take that fecker to the cleaners first. Hugs xx

He is a complete wanker!
At some point she will find someone else and he will realise what he's done and you can laugh in his face as you'll be much happier without him!

At some point it'll all come crashing down around him.

I'm sorry OP. I think he will deeply regret this in time but that is no consolation to you now. It's classic mid life crisis / limerence and when it wears off he will probably wonder what the fuck he was thinking.

Look after yourself. The temptation is for us all to say LTB but in truth some marriages do survive these things and go on to thrive. It depends on how willing your H is to look at the reasons for the madness - selfishness, entitlement, immaturity at the shock of coping with small children after such a long struggle to get them. That may not be what you want at all and if you want to make the call and close the door forever then I would start telling people what he has done. Seeing the solicitor is spot on - it will start making things real for him. At the minute he is still in fantasy land.

And you are the strong one here. He is the coward who ran away instead of trusting you with his feelings. You are still there doing what has to be done while he ran back to mummy and daddy. So YOU are going to be fine, whatever you decide to do.

Good PIL told you so you know where you are at. Do this man feels he can‘t lie to his parents but can lie to you? Pffff.
Also: the only reason he throws a tantrum at the suggestion of OW is, cause he‘d like to rewrite history ‚we were not happy....‘ and make it all sound existential and deep, and then people make it clear how transparent, run of the mill ‚midlife crisy’ (yeah I made that term up) and pathetic his behaviour is.

Or should the correct term be ‚midlife crazy‘?

Maybe the reason he is at his parents is because his other girl is still living at home and her parents know nothing and would not approve.

I admire your in-laws, they must be in shock and terrified that they will lose contact with their grand children. They will be appalled at their sons behaviour and he knows it hence his tantrum.

He has got himself into a right mess of his own making of course. Unlike most sensible people men and women he has not thought this through and is being a muppet.

Your PiLs sound like good 'uns.

Don't be so sure it's only been since November unless he's always been an extremely impulsive sort. Maybe he either got her the job or she applied on her own in order to work with him.

"Maybe I just got too complacent and just assumed he was happy because I was and now the DCs are the ones who are going to suffer because we couldn't keep our marriage together he is thinking with his dick". There, I FTFY.

This is not your fault, none of it. We are none of us that 'sparkling young bride', we all become 'just my wife' as the years pass. Just as our husbands are no longer that 'handsome young groom', they are 'just my husband'. That doesn't mean we don't appreciate them And it is certainly no cause for betrayal. It is the way life works. It doesn't mean we betray, it means that we are comfortable partners who live in love and trust facing both the humdrum and the excitement life brings. Sure, sometimes we may take each other for granted, but that's just being human. I sometimes take my DH for granted (as he does me), but just like I take for granted the air I breath, I know I'd sure miss it if it were gone.

Don't you dare blame yourself! He is the betrayer, not you! He is the lazy, selfish one throwing away his family instead of thinking things through and suggesting ways to work things out.

I'm glad you have your PIL on side. They sound lovely and are probably so ashamed of their son. He's behaving disgracefully. He isn't in love, he's in lust and like someone else said it's quite likely very one sided otherwise they'd have shacked up together by now.

He doesn't love her, he's fantasising about a different life. He's a fool and he'll be back with his tail between his legs in a few weeks.

So sorry he's done this to you

Knowledge is power. Keep that info to yrself for now otherwise he won't tell his pils anything else and they will be yr best source of info. Also they might not tell you anything else if they know you have told him that they shared this with you. His ego has been flattered and he' s acting like a lovestruck teenager. Even if it doesn't
work out with ow then you'll never trust him not to have his ego stroked again. So try not to have in yr head the possibility of you getting back together. Stay strong. Stay focused. He's a dick. You deserve better. At least you know now. Sending

I'm so sorry you and your DCs are having to going through this.
He's a twat.

It's very impulsive if he's only know her a short time. It sounds to me like he's not thinking straight at all.

So sorry OP please don't blame yourself this is just him and a young fluff distraction. He's a real shit for abandoning you.

If I were you I wouldn't let on to him your PIL told you about OW, say he's been seen by a friend, it will help yours and PIL relationship.... it must be really hard for them too.
Sending you big hugs OP 💐X

Horrendous behaviour on his part.

I came across something called they always affair down the other day you might find interesting if you give it a google.

Your doing amazingly well to keep your cool in light of what you have now found out

You have decent inlaws. I can't for the life of me understand why a young lady would want a cheater if his age, with his baggage.

You've gone through the stress of adoption and he's rocked the stability of these children. I've got a relative who adopted and it was a long, frustrating and stressful process.

Why would she think he won't up and leave.

I'd actually be worried that a married father left his marriage for me after a couple of months. That's if she knows. She may have expressed interest, but not while he's married.... so he ended it.

Anyway...well done for seeing a solicitor. You'll get through this.

I’m really sorry that must have been really hard on you. All you can do is put yourself and your children first. Once the children know I would be asking him to see the children at the PIL house if that’s where he’s living because you need a private safe space that’s yours and some distance. Form a new relationship with your PIL where you don’t really discuss him but where they can maybe help you with childcare and see their grandchildren. It would be good to get him to sign a separation agreement of who will pay what pending a divorce so you have it in writing before he decides he needs the money for other things. Hope you are getting lots of support. You are doing great.

It’s more likely to be an infatuation on his part than an actual affair.

It’s not impossible but, unless he’s God’s gift to women, it’s pretty unlikely that someone that much younger than him is going to have jumped in bed with him in that short a time frame.

Still shit for you OP, but I think this is escapism on his part and he’ll quickly come to regret it.

But I feel like such a complete idiot

You are not idiot here. I hope she messes him around, drains his pockets, then dumps him for a young free & single guy her own age.

That's if shes even with him properly really. The reality of impending divorce, DCs around for part of his week + child maintenance payments etc may lead to an "oh shit this is real" moment for her. She is young.

When it all goes wrong he'll try to crawl back to you.

He's disloyal and not someone to have in your corner, OP.

Rotten way to find out but,onwards and upwards and wishing you well.

So many have been through similar and lived to tell the tale.

Your PIL sound lovely, that's good