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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

H has left me

152 replies

confusedandunsure84 · 11/01/2019 19:31

I feel like such an idiot I just didn't see this coming.
We have been together 15 years and married for 10 with two DCs.

Everything was completely normal till this evening when I went to grab something from our room and he had left me a note saying that he is sorry and that he loves me but he isn't in love with me anymore and he thinks it best that we split up he is going to give me some space to get my head round it and then he will come back Sunday afternoon and we can talk to the DCs about it.

and thats it 15 years and he can't even be bothered to tell me face to face or even try to save the relationship. I thought if anything our marriage has been better than in recent years. We had a stressful few year TTC and then even more stress adopting the DCs and helping then settle into our home but this last 2 years things were getting back to normal. The DCs can be left with people now and they are both in school full time and we were getting more time to spend as a couple.

He hasn't even told me where he is and I don't know if I should text him or if that will make it worse. The DCs haven't noticed he is missing yet they probably think he is in work but they will notice tomorrow and I don't know what to tell them. Their worlds are going to be turned upside down and we promised them a stable happy home and now they have settled they are going to get messed around again. I have let them watch a DVD before bedtime as a treat but really its because every time I look at them I feel so upset and angry and guilty that this is happening and I didn't even see it coming.

I don't know how to feel I keep half expecting he to walk in and tell me that it has all been some sort of mistake or joke and of course he would never wreak our marriage.

I don't know what to do now. Do i beg him to at least talk to me or do I give him space and hope he sees sense . I am so confused and I just want to know what has happened because I just didn't realise he was unhappy or that anything was wrong and now it feels like its too late and its all gone to shit and I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
bionicnemonic · 11/01/2019 21:39

I’m so sorry. No one deserves that Flowers

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/01/2019 21:44

That’s awful OP, I’m so sorry Flowers

Good your dad’s coming to be with you. That’ll help distract the DC tomorrow. Can you tell them he’s just gone to visit MIL in the short term?

gambaspilpil · 11/01/2019 21:49

My response would be thanks for letting me know MIL. Screen shot the letter he left and say this is what your DS left me this evening without warning and leave it at that.

Alfiemoon1 · 11/01/2019 21:54

So sorry op thinking of u

Pixikitten0123 · 11/01/2019 22:04

Mine did exactly the same but over the phone when I called him excitedly on his way home from ‘working away’ in less than 2 weeks he was spotted by someone I know out with the OW - left me with a sick child to care for. So sorry you’re going through this - it’s shit xxx

whynot93 · 11/01/2019 22:13

Wow what a heartless git, a note and no real explanation. Thank goodness your dad is coming over 💐

MyKingdomForBrie · 11/01/2019 22:25

I'm so so sorry for you and for your poor poor dc. He's an utter utter shit. Flowers

golddustwomen · 11/01/2019 22:57

So so sorry this is happening. You sound like a fantastic mom, your dc are lucky to have you Thanks

Daisymay2 · 11/01/2019 22:58

I like gamba suggestion of screenshoting his note and sending to MIL.
Actually I would send it to friends as well - with a comment that you wonder how long it will be till the new GF emerges. Let them see what a bastard he is.

Parttimewasteoftime · 11/01/2019 23:46

Yes send note to MIL at least you know he's there.

Klobluchar · 11/01/2019 23:54

As someone who split up with her husband out of the blue too, albeit in slightly different circumstances, can i just say that there are very hard times to come but that you WILL get through this and come out the other side stronger. Much love, OP Flowers

BluebellsareBlue · 12/01/2019 00:01

I am so so sorry to read this. For what it's worth, my heart is broken for you and your children. Xxx

Mrsmummy90 · 12/01/2019 00:14

If you need someone to talk to, please call Samaritans (UK and ROI).
They are a 24 hour, anonymous helpline and are there to listen. They've helped my a number of times when I've been at my lowest and just needed an impartial shoulder to cry on.

Their phone number is: 116 123

It's free to call xxx

PersonaNonGarter · 12/01/2019 00:16

There’s someone else. Sorry Flowers

Weenurse · 12/01/2019 00:27

I hope he is fair with money and property and has a plan on how this will work going forward. He has given you no time to process things.

Donkdonkgoo · 12/01/2019 00:32

Sorry OP this is a really shit thing to do to you.
I would be tempted to do the opposite of what he is expecting you to do. He is probably checking his phone half expecting a call or text from you.

When he does turn up on Sunday stay very calm and try not to show emotion. Let him talk and you do the listening..... when he's finished tell him you need time to think so you are going away for a few days (reach in a cupboard and pickup your already packed weekend bag) and go to a friends or check into a hotel to give yourself some space.
Leave him with 100% of the responsibilities of looking after the DCs.
Don't reply or pick up any calls from him.... then when you go back in a few days suggest sitting down and taking to him about what's happened that's led him to this and agree some short term contact arrangements for him to have the kids and agree where each of you are going to live short term.
He needs a taste of reality I think.
Try to stay calm and in control then you can have a good cry when your on your own. Thinking of you OP x

Mrsmummy90 · 12/01/2019 00:36

I'm so sorry that he's treated you so appallingly.
I honestly don't know what to say.
Thanks

missbee90 · 12/01/2019 01:02

Sending you love, my husband got in bed with me 6 months ago and told me he didn’t love me anymore and moved out 2 days later .. that same morning he had text me calling me his “perfect wifey” and how much he loved me ... 11 years together and a year of marriage & he literally changed over night.

I know how you’re feeling, it’s shit but I can promise you, you will heal and you will feel better but it will take time. You have to stay strong and remember your worth.. nobody should ever be made to feel optional. We’re all here if you need us, just type away.

Xxxx

Feckers2018 · 12/01/2019 01:48

No way can he swan back on Sunday to tell the kids. Tell him you will let him know when. Definitely get bolts for your doors. Otherwise he will keep coning back for stuff. He will be in control not you. Do not text him or MIL
I hope you can play hard ball because its the only way to keep your dignity. I didnt and so regret it.

Weenurse · 12/01/2019 02:02

I like the suggestion of leaving Sunday for a few days, get your head together without the DC to distract you.

whynot93 · 12/01/2019 06:53

Hope you are feeling ok this morning and got some sleep, I'm also in favour of the PP suggestion of having a bag ready and getting out of there on Sunday. See how he feel being left high and dry like that! Do you have a friend you can stay with? Honestly his actions are bloody awful, a bit after 15 years he should so ashamed.

GrandmaJane · 12/01/2019 08:09

Do not leave your home. Don’t message his mother or him. Be hard and cold. He has done this, now he can live with it.

GreenEggsHamandChips · 12/01/2019 08:14

Chances are MIL knows exactly where he is and is covering for him just in case he changes his mind or so an OW can stay hidden for the time being

essexmum2019 · 12/01/2019 08:44

You're not alone, my H has recently left saying he has no feelings for me and that he wants a divorce. We have 2 kids- youngest 18 months.

My H is speaking to people online and has been for some time- I suspect this has blown into an EA and he wants to make it physical which is easier to progress if he lives at his mum's house.

It really is shit but we can do this. Join us on the NC thread- I'm now 28 hours NC and each hour gets a little easier. He wants kids every other weekend starting from 25th so I don't have to speak to him for at least two weeks I'll probably get my mum to do the handover

rabbitfoodadvocate · 12/01/2019 08:52

With the way he has left, I would also be getting the locks changed. I would then have an honest but not bitchy conversation with the kids, on my own.

When he turns up, you can inform him, in a note pushed through the letterbox, that you are starting divorce proceedings and everything needs to go through lawyers now, to be on the record. All of his stuff would be in bags on the doorstep too.