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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

H has left me

152 replies

confusedandunsure84 · 11/01/2019 19:31

I feel like such an idiot I just didn't see this coming.
We have been together 15 years and married for 10 with two DCs.

Everything was completely normal till this evening when I went to grab something from our room and he had left me a note saying that he is sorry and that he loves me but he isn't in love with me anymore and he thinks it best that we split up he is going to give me some space to get my head round it and then he will come back Sunday afternoon and we can talk to the DCs about it.

and thats it 15 years and he can't even be bothered to tell me face to face or even try to save the relationship. I thought if anything our marriage has been better than in recent years. We had a stressful few year TTC and then even more stress adopting the DCs and helping then settle into our home but this last 2 years things were getting back to normal. The DCs can be left with people now and they are both in school full time and we were getting more time to spend as a couple.

He hasn't even told me where he is and I don't know if I should text him or if that will make it worse. The DCs haven't noticed he is missing yet they probably think he is in work but they will notice tomorrow and I don't know what to tell them. Their worlds are going to be turned upside down and we promised them a stable happy home and now they have settled they are going to get messed around again. I have let them watch a DVD before bedtime as a treat but really its because every time I look at them I feel so upset and angry and guilty that this is happening and I didn't even see it coming.

I don't know how to feel I keep half expecting he to walk in and tell me that it has all been some sort of mistake or joke and of course he would never wreak our marriage.

I don't know what to do now. Do i beg him to at least talk to me or do I give him space and hope he sees sense . I am so confused and I just want to know what has happened because I just didn't realise he was unhappy or that anything was wrong and now it feels like its too late and its all gone to shit and I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 12/01/2019 22:14

💐

RomanyRoots · 12/01/2019 22:29

OP, please don't see him tomorrow, seek advice from ss.
This could really screw the kids up after finally settling, adopted people can take these situations as being their fault no matter how many times they hear that it isn't. The feeling of rejection can stay for years and ruin future relationships.
None of this is your fault, please protect yourself and your children your h hasn't got your back, he's moved on.
He is not allowed to call the shots, dictate or more than suggest anything for the dc until you have ss support.

Weenurse · 12/01/2019 22:36

Do not do the ‘pick me’ dance. It won’t help and you will feel humiliated later.
Good luck 💐

Surfingtheweb · 12/01/2019 22:44

@confusedandunsure84 there is advice on here for you from women that have been through the same, you have to listen to that. I personal have not so I will probably have a fantasy view. But 100% get legal advice, & do that really fast. It's a lot easier to get over emotional stuff when
You're not worried about money. I really think before you see or speak to him, you'd be better to try to carve out who the new you is. Because 100% you won't be the same woman when he starts messing with your kids & Money. Get informed & when you have that first chat, make him see what he's up against.xx

Donkdonkgoo · 12/01/2019 23:44

Taking no the passport suggests he's either a) planning on going somewhere b) needs it for ID? So Setting up a new bank acc c) thinks you might lose it accidentallyon purpose Any PP have any other ideas why he's taken the passport? whatever the reason it suggests he's planned put thought into leaving rather than spontaneously. You are doing amazingly well under the situation OP x

NotTheFordType · 13/01/2019 04:43

OP please speak to your adoption social worker before saying anything to your DC or making any decisions.

Your so-called H is an absolute twatbadger and I'm so sorry he's hurt you like this, but your DC have to come first especially given (I'm guessing) they have a history of abandonment.

JeezOhGeeWhizz · 13/01/2019 06:41

Look after yourself OP. Just as he has done for himself. He's a twat and a coward.

youaremyrain · 13/01/2019 16:52

Have you spoken with him?
Hope you're ok

Alfiemoon1 · 13/01/2019 17:21

Hope you got some answers from him and that you are ok op

whynot93 · 13/01/2019 17:46

Was also thinking about you, hope you are ok xx

Donkdonkgoo · 13/01/2019 19:50

When my husband had his affair and we were trying to work it out for the sake of our son, I kept a diary of all the times and dates he was away with work/ went out for the evening even nipping to the shops. Then weeks down the line you can cross ref with credit cards/bank statements/phone records. Every time he left the house even to walk the dog (he did this a lot) he called the same number "Paul" in his phone which turned out to be "Lisa" You become an obsessive detective. Other friends in the same position did the same thing. It totally consumes you x

Donkdonkgoo · 13/01/2019 19:51

Sorry wrong thread 🙈

Parttimewasteoftime · 13/01/2019 20:58

Are you OK OP? Did you talk or get any answers? Hope you and your lovely children are OK 💐

Original poster
confusedandunsure84 · 15/01/2019 18:47

Sorry for not replying earlier after speaking to H on Sunday it was like everything just hit me all at once but I am feeling slightly more together today and I am starting to get everything together.

So on Sunday my dad took he DCs out and H came round
I asked him why he was doing this and what was going on. He kept insisting that he just didn't love me anymore and he didn't see the point in talking about it and he hadn't done anything wrong.
I pointed out that he had done something wrong and he knows he has because he still hadn't told his parents what he has done.
He said it was no-one else's business I said that it was the DCS buisness and how does he think they are going to cope now.

He stopped being so defensive then and admitted that he hadn't gone about it very well and he does't want to hurt the DCs. I told him that I had messaged the SW and I thought that e needed to speak to her before we told the DCs. H agreed with this and we agreed to tell them that he is helping MIL at her house for a bit and he agreed to visit in the evenings so the DCs could see him.

He then started talking about finances and he said that he will continue paying for the house till the youngest is 18 that he knows the DCs are happy here and he doesn't want to disrupt so much of their lives all at once. I said that this was fine but that we could talk about it more once I have a solicitor and that I want all this in writing and agreed too. H said I was being deliberately difficult for no reason as this will be good deal for me. I pointed out that he could change his mind or anything could happen so I want everything agreed to properly.

H reluctantly agreed and then it was akwardly silent for a bit then suddenly he said he was sorry. I asked him why he was doing this to us. He said he was sorry again and he just wasn't happy anymore. I asked him why he didn't talk about it with me and he wouldn't give me a straight answer so I asked if there was another women. He kept saying how unreasonable I was for asking (but he didn't say no) then he said he was going for a walk to calm down.

He came back a few minutes later and asked if he could see the DCs before he left. So I asked my dad to bring them back he spent an hour with them and then he went back to MILs house.

After I put the DCs to bed I fell apart a bit it was like it suddenly hit me that my marriage is over and our cosy little family life has ended and there was nothing I could do about it. Luckily my dad was still there so he made sure everything was ok and he took the DCs to school on Monday to give me some breathing space.

The SW got back in touch with me and gave us some tips on how to support the DCs and she has arranged a meeting to see us and talk with us properly about it all before we tell the DCs.

H visited the DCs on Monday and he played with them and they had tea before he left but we didn't speak to each other much.

Today I felt more like myself and I have been in touch with some solicitors and I have arranged to meet a couple in the next few days to workout what to do next.

H is visiting them now so I have told them I have some work to do and have come upstairs out of the way mostly because seeing H and having to speak to him is driving me mad and I want to shout at him for leaving us but obviously I wouldn't do that in front of the DCs so its easier to hide up here for now.

OP posts:
justasking111 · 15/01/2019 19:10

So glad you came back. I suspect he went for a walk to make a phone call. Crack on with the solicitors and SW. You will get through and out the other side, but it will take time. Be kind to yourself. Your Dad sounds lovely.

missbee90 · 15/01/2019 20:05

Sometimes we need to take a few days out to balance the brain but glad to see you back. Sounds like you have lots of support around you which is exactly what you need.
I was in your shoes 6 months ago, STBX left me completely out of the blue and I can PROMISE you it gets better, you won’t believe it but it does, you can do this but take each day at a time and allow yourself to feel whatever you’re feeling xx

AWishForWingsThatWork · 15/01/2019 21:12

He didn't say 'no' about there being OW and tried to make out like you're the bad guy for asking; he doesn't want anyone to know what he's done; and you're the bad guy for wanting him to put his freely offered promises to pay the bills for the children's sakes.

Wanker.

Definitely see a solicitor. I'm so sorry, OP.

Mrsmummy90 · 15/01/2019 23:12

He's such a coward for not giving you a full explanation!

You're doing so well! Sending you a virtual hug xxx

northernglam · 16/01/2019 00:38

It’s good news about the finances at least if he sticks to it in the short term it will give you some breathing space. Unless he’s very wealthy then the penny is likely to drop that running two houses is ridiculously expensive and he won’t be able to get a second mortgage for his own place. so I wouldn’t rely on that. Also it won’t help you long term if the house is sold when children are 18 unless there is enough equity for you to get somewhere outright as it will be much harder to get a mortgage when you are older.
You don’t need to make instant decisions but getting yourself on a better financial footing would be sensible as well as agreeing contact which actually frees you up to work / split childcare costs. It’s tempting to keep things as they are with you being at home and him paying the mortgage but that’s not going to help you long term. You could find yourself with not enough money to buy your own place and unable to borrow. Don’t make any firm agreements until you have had time to consider all the options.

smallwoofer · 16/01/2019 10:58

God what a dick! He 'hasn't done anything wrong'!!! Umm you walked out on your family without discussing it with your wife?!

Christ op I'm so sorry. I know it's completely shit now but things will improve and you'll feel better. If there is an OW it will probably go up shit creek at some point and he'll be at your door looking for another chance. I'm glad you're sorting things out legally and not just taking his word on everything.

youaremyrain · 16/01/2019 12:09

Sadly, it seems that there is an OW - he basically told you that when he didn't deny it.

I'm so sorry, Thanks

Tweety1981 · 16/01/2019 12:14

I agree . There is a driver to this and it’s not you it’s whatever he’s done .

He’s planned this carefully, stay sweet but dig , you will need whatever you know about whatever this sly individual has been up to.

justasking111 · 16/01/2019 12:47

He will want a quality of life as time moves on. If there is another woman, unless your OH is a multi millionaire or she is, she will want a home etc of a certain standard. So even if in his heart he does not want his family to suffer, he will be realistic at some stage and want formal financial arrangements.

Another member said about staying in the same house, you will be so much older, poorer down the road. So you may be wiser to sell your home and buy something more affordable now.

Aimarge · 16/01/2019 20:08

I'm so sorry OPFlowers
His reluctance to deny and his behaviour afterwards makes me think OW.
I'm 2 years down the line from this, I swear it gets better. It's even better than it was with him for me.

Candace19 · 16/01/2019 20:17

What a complete and utter twat!

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