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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

H has left me

152 replies

confusedandunsure84 · 11/01/2019 19:31

I feel like such an idiot I just didn't see this coming.
We have been together 15 years and married for 10 with two DCs.

Everything was completely normal till this evening when I went to grab something from our room and he had left me a note saying that he is sorry and that he loves me but he isn't in love with me anymore and he thinks it best that we split up he is going to give me some space to get my head round it and then he will come back Sunday afternoon and we can talk to the DCs about it.

and thats it 15 years and he can't even be bothered to tell me face to face or even try to save the relationship. I thought if anything our marriage has been better than in recent years. We had a stressful few year TTC and then even more stress adopting the DCs and helping then settle into our home but this last 2 years things were getting back to normal. The DCs can be left with people now and they are both in school full time and we were getting more time to spend as a couple.

He hasn't even told me where he is and I don't know if I should text him or if that will make it worse. The DCs haven't noticed he is missing yet they probably think he is in work but they will notice tomorrow and I don't know what to tell them. Their worlds are going to be turned upside down and we promised them a stable happy home and now they have settled they are going to get messed around again. I have let them watch a DVD before bedtime as a treat but really its because every time I look at them I feel so upset and angry and guilty that this is happening and I didn't even see it coming.

I don't know how to feel I keep half expecting he to walk in and tell me that it has all been some sort of mistake or joke and of course he would never wreak our marriage.

I don't know what to do now. Do i beg him to at least talk to me or do I give him space and hope he sees sense . I am so confused and I just want to know what has happened because I just didn't realise he was unhappy or that anything was wrong and now it feels like its too late and its all gone to shit and I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Donkdonkgoo · 12/01/2019 09:10

I don't think you should tell the kids anything yet, you dont know for sure what's going on, keep things as normal as possible with routine for the kids, tell them dads working away for a fe me days and you need to go and help grandma for a few days etc. Give it a few weeks or longer to be sure you are definitely 100% separated before telling the kids x

Donkdonkgoo · 12/01/2019 09:15

OP you have every right to be angry but it isn't going to help the situation, calm and in control and firm is what you need to be, you can send him a letter venting all your anger and hurt when you are ready, for now you just need sort out short term arrangements, and you need some time on your own away from the kids x

Lozzerbmc · 12/01/2019 09:30

This is a terrible thing to do to you- i’m sorry to say there will be an OW waiting in the wings. Good you are getting finances sorted there may be additional support available as your children are adopted perhaps ? You should stay in family home and he needs to pay support for that to happen. You do need to manage what is said to the dcs so it is handled in the best way for them. He’s an idiot and will regret it in future. Also hes broken commitment made to those dcs. Keep strong, you can do it - if you’ve managed to go through stress of adoption process you can do anything! Wishing you well. Think of yourself and dcs only

Eatmycheese · 12/01/2019 09:31

Jesus, how cowardly and dreadful.
Why do people do these things. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I hope that is there is another woman that you can absolutely crush them both.

Eatmycheese · 12/01/2019 09:31

I hope that IF there is another woman

SandyY2K · 12/01/2019 09:44

Don't change the locks. It's illegal on a shared house.

Don't bag his things...he can do that.

Don't beg or plead.

Do have a conversation with him before telling the DC. They need to know its not their fault.

They need to know he will always love them and will see them regularly. That's why you need to discuss before telling them.

I'd also suggest neither of you introduce a new person to them for at least a year.... or more till you know that person is going to be long term.

They've already had plenty instability.

It is a cowardly way to end a marriage.

I know much of what I've said is about the kids... I do feel for you too and realise how devastated you must be.

Take care of yourself and have hope for the future.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 12/01/2019 09:54

Hope you're ok this morning, OP.

I would text your MIL and tell her you're bagging up his shit. Tell her as far as you knew, everything was fine, but you came home to her son's cowardly note telling you he was leaving. No explanation. No reason. No problems as far as you're aware. So he can just stay there, the coward.

Surfingtheweb · 12/01/2019 11:10

I totally agree with @Donkdonkgoo
Just tell the kids he is working away, before he or you tell them anything you need to speak to each other. Also you are in shock, I think you should focus on trying to come to terms with this as much as you can yourself so you are feeling a bit stronger when it comes to dealing with their emotional upset too.
I wouldn't text him (I know that will be so hard). I wouldn't tell his friends or send the note round. Try & get your head straight, that's the priority, then you can be there to support the kids. Try not to worry about the house etc, you have kids & he has a financial responsibility. Perhaps you should go & see a solicitor before having any conversations with him.

Donkdonkgoo · 12/01/2019 13:17

I agree with surfing the web, see a solicitor asap, tell him you've seen one for advice when you do finaly talk.... it will shock him that you have taken advice..... again a taste of reality for him.

Alfiemoon1 · 12/01/2019 14:59

Hope you are ok op

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 12/01/2019 16:10

When you speak to MIL and friends I would say that as he has never previously hinted at any unhappiness and is too ashamed to discuss his decision with you face to face, you assume there is another woman. Put him on the back foot. Do not let him control the narrative.

madmum5811 · 12/01/2019 16:49

i wouldnt alienate the MIL she may be on your side tarring her with the same brush is something you may regret. Keep your counsel and be polite.

Original poster
confusedandunsure84 · 12/01/2019 17:17

Thank you for your advice

My dad arrived last night and has very kindly taken a few days of work to stay with us.

I have told the DCs that H is staying with MIL for a bit and they seem ok with it. We went into town today and I checked the bank accounts and H hasn't moved any money from the joint account so thats something.

H then messaged me this afternoon to confirm that he was coming over to speak with the DCs on Sunday about what was going on. I replied saying that I felt that we should talk first so that we could be on the same page, which he reluctantly agreed to so I will have to face him tomorrow.

I don't think MIL knows, she would have mentioned it in her text last night if she did. H is probably worried about telling PILs because they will tell him straight that he is being a dick.

OP posts:
madmum5811 · 12/01/2019 17:28

my son would get short shrift here. When you choose to have a family you have to work at it not run away

Lovethetimeyouhave · 12/01/2019 17:40

Wow! What a coward, hope you get this sorted if it's possible

allaboutHR · 12/01/2019 17:55

I replied saying that I felt that we should talk first so that we could be on the same page, which he reluctantly agreed to so I will have to face him tomorrow.

Reluctantly agreed to do? The cheek of the man! He has unilaterally decided to terminate your marriage but he's reluctant to discuss something so important like deciding jointly what you both tell your kids?!
Nah, I'd cancel tomorrow until you've had a chance to have a word with an Adoption Social Worker for guidance about how to tell the kids and until you've had a free hour with a divorce solicitor so you know where you stand.

You sound very calm

inlectorecumbit · 12/01/2019 18:13

No
The minute he walked out the door is the minute he no longer had the right to call the shots.
I would cancel tomorrow's talk and seek SW advice re the DC's before any discussions.
Find a solicitor for advice and get your own ducks in a row. He has been planning this and is away ahead of you emotionally and practically. You need time to prepare yourself for the shit that is going to come out his mouth and time to prepare for the fall out when dealing with the DC's.
I would be telling MIL what is going on, get your own version in first (the truth) before he starting spinning a tale of woe.

northernglam · 12/01/2019 18:14

Don’t underestimate that you are in shock. I’ve had a few situations in my life where I have gone into shock and been physically shaking and rapidly lost weight after bad news. Don’t under estimate the time you will need to just adjust. You need privacy to shout, cry etc. He has had time to plan and prepare so he won’t be feeling the same and doesn’t get to choose when to tell the children. You need to decide when you are ready. My kids tell me they will never forget being told we were separating and remember it exactly. So it needs to be done in a calm and reassuring way with you both having agreed what will be said and what will happen next. You deserve a proper explanation. He will have to wait until you are ready for the next step. Just tell them he’s at granny’s house helping out or something. Get your Dad to tell MIL. You can tell kids on your own or with him. You get to decide. Tell him to make sure he doesn’t make kids promises he can’t keep. My DH said he would live nearby and see them often. That didn’t happen. Better just plan the first contact visits etc. Money wise you can change the council tax to single person usually online and make an application for tax credits / universal credit. You can decide whether to agree maintenance or use child support agency to collect it. Look at websites like Entitledto to calculate benefits and the CSA calculator. You might be able stay in house. If it’s a mortgage you can ask the bank for a mortgage holiday. He needs to meet you and discuss finances as he’s the one who has time to figure it all out. Don’t be surprised if he hasn’t thought it through and is just thinking of himself and thinks he can go off and live a new life. I never thought DH would walk away from his kids but he took a job 60 miles away and convinced himself this was the only option and he couldn’t help it. In his eyes he sees them when he can and is a good dad but he does a fraction of what he did before and I do a whole heap more. His family may want to keep their relationship with their grandchildren so don’t burn any bridges. Any help from whatever source isn’t to be refused lightly when you are a single parent. You may need to go back to work. He may live there for a while. It may be best for kids to see him there not in your space. Just take it a day at a time and don’t be bullied to feel you have to do things at his speed. You are stronger than you think but must give yourself time and space to grieve and process it all or even find a field stand in the middle of it and scream your head off.

SingleDadReally · 12/01/2019 19:17

Hi there,
You have my sympathy. At the moment you’re in the middle of an emotional roller coaster. My advice is to do nothing precipatative. In November 2017 I came home to a dark house, my wife’s bicycle gone, an empty bookshelf where her poetry books had been and a scrubby note saying she’d left, didn’t love me anymore and didn’t want to keep pretending.

All situations are different but the one thing I determined to do was take up a new hobby that I’d never done before and didn’t remind me of our now past life. I’m now a reasonably competent bell ringer. You don’t have to be religious, it doesn’t take much time and you don’t have to spend money or buy equipment, but you’re interacting with other people very closely.
I’m still a bit up and down-nothings been resolved-our son who has Asperger syndrome stays with me in university vacations. About the same time I was obliged to start a new job.
My wife is in her bosses flat. It would have been our silver wedding anniversary this year.

Surfingtheweb · 12/01/2019 19:47

@confusedandunsure84 I really think you should speak to a solicitor before you speak to anyone else, including your husband. Get yourself straight, when you are in command of the facts & figures it's easier to stop worrying about the financial details & focus on what is important. Once you know where you stand legally you can sort out talking to him, & when you've done that then the social worker if you have one & if it's needed. I really hope that when you went to the bank today you took out half the money & set up online banking. What your husband has done is so far from normal, he's not at another woman's house he's at his mums. I think there is clearly much talking that needs to be done. Don't involve a ton of people until you know 100% that you need to, but 1st things 1st get legal advice. Keep your kids out of it, they can quite happily think he's helping his mum or been called away for work. Don't let him call the shots on when this 1st discussion should be, & perhaps rather than doing it alone ask someone like relate or a mediator to sit in?

Original poster
confusedandunsure84 · 12/01/2019 21:12

I don't know, I just want to know why. It feels like none of this real like I will wake up tomorrow and none of this will have happened. I am trying to remain calm and focus on whats best for the DCs rather than on how my life feels like its falling apart and I can't seem to stop it.

My dad is taking the DCs out tomorrow and wont bring them back till i call him so if I think its best not to tell them yet then we will wait.
I have messaged the social worker and let her know whats happening so I might tell H that we should wait for her advice before we tell the kids.

I did take half the money out of the joint account today and kept a copy of the balance before and after so it shows that I have taken half of what was in there.

OP posts:
Donkdonkgoo · 12/01/2019 21:31

Thinking of you OP, it will take time to process you are still in shock. Take one day at a time x

Ladybug123 · 12/01/2019 21:49

I know someone else has posted this but you’re in shock. Please take care of yourself, eat, drink water, exercise and sleep.

My advice would be don’t do anything rash with locks and belongings but do seek legal advice.

I also will chime in with the be prepared for a flipping affair partner to be lurking. My husband managed his affair entirely within the working day (how thoughtful of him). ‘The I love you but not in love with you’ speech is straight out of the cheaters handbook. The leaving you gives him a chance to test the waters with her before making his decision and he’ll look ok because you were seperated.

Google 180 and infidelity and please don’t rise to him at all. Try your very best (and I know this is hard) but try your very best to give him nothing if you emotionally. Even if there is no OW you’ll be sending him a clear message that you’re worth more than his litany treatment of you.

Ladybug123 · 12/01/2019 21:51

‘Incredibly poor treatment of you’... stupid autocorrect!

Please take care!

madmum5811 · 12/01/2019 21:52

I am still bothered about him taking the passport. he is planning something