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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

H has left me

152 replies

confusedandunsure84 · 11/01/2019 19:31

I feel like such an idiot I just didn't see this coming.
We have been together 15 years and married for 10 with two DCs.

Everything was completely normal till this evening when I went to grab something from our room and he had left me a note saying that he is sorry and that he loves me but he isn't in love with me anymore and he thinks it best that we split up he is going to give me some space to get my head round it and then he will come back Sunday afternoon and we can talk to the DCs about it.

and thats it 15 years and he can't even be bothered to tell me face to face or even try to save the relationship. I thought if anything our marriage has been better than in recent years. We had a stressful few year TTC and then even more stress adopting the DCs and helping then settle into our home but this last 2 years things were getting back to normal. The DCs can be left with people now and they are both in school full time and we were getting more time to spend as a couple.

He hasn't even told me where he is and I don't know if I should text him or if that will make it worse. The DCs haven't noticed he is missing yet they probably think he is in work but they will notice tomorrow and I don't know what to tell them. Their worlds are going to be turned upside down and we promised them a stable happy home and now they have settled they are going to get messed around again. I have let them watch a DVD before bedtime as a treat but really its because every time I look at them I feel so upset and angry and guilty that this is happening and I didn't even see it coming.

I don't know how to feel I keep half expecting he to walk in and tell me that it has all been some sort of mistake or joke and of course he would never wreak our marriage.

I don't know what to do now. Do i beg him to at least talk to me or do I give him space and hope he sees sense . I am so confused and I just want to know what has happened because I just didn't realise he was unhappy or that anything was wrong and now it feels like its too late and its all gone to shit and I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
madmum5811 · 11/01/2019 20:09

I would also get the locks changed but that is just me.

oiiiiiii · 11/01/2019 20:10

@confusedandunsure84 I agree this is Runaway Husband stuff.

I would bag up his clothes & personal effects, and arrange to have a third party contact him and then hold the items for his collection.

Solicitor on Monday.

If possible, get a deadbolt or similar for the front door, high up, since this is best practice for childproofing - don't change the locks of course, but an unintended consequence might be that it is more difficult for him to swan in and out according to his own desires. A small price to pay for the children's safety, don't you think?

Do you have your own bank account? If not, open one. Once you have one - I would move whatever joint cash you have in that account, so that you can provide for the children. Keep all your receipts since no-one should be able to cast aspersions on you doing what you have to to keep the children safe and well.

Can you have someone come to the house. You are in shock. Be sure to keep your sugars up, and talk to someone, it will help.

I urge you to take control. If you don't take control, he'll have you on a string.

PlumpSyrianHamster · 11/01/2019 20:11

There will be another woman whom he'll wheel out in a month or so with this tale that he never expected to fall in love again. He'll rewrite history: your marriage was dead for years, there was no sex or intimacy, you were controlling, just interested in the kids no affection for him, he was taken for granted, you grew apart.

Your best strategy is to tell everyone what he's done. Don't cover for him.

gambaspilpil · 11/01/2019 20:11

agree with you madmum5811 , I would suggest OP get support from family and friends and work out a way forward. I certainly wouldnt be allowing him to stroll in on Sunday so he can explain to the DC why he has left and then walk out.... you deserve more than that....

allaboutHR · 11/01/2019 20:11

I think you might need to get someone round to support you OP. In the meantime, please join the 'Runaway Husband' Facebook support group for online support. You can reach out all night, benefiting from the different time zones the members are in because I can imagine you not sleeping tonight.

allaboutHR · 11/01/2019 20:13

Sorry, here's the link:

m.facebook.com/groups/1916940071856639?ref=share

Thingsdogetbetter · 11/01/2019 20:16

Bloody coward. SHL asap. Be out when he's coming back to discuss. Leave note saying you need his address for divorce papers, CM and to arrange dc contact where he left the note!

AfterSchoolWorry · 11/01/2019 20:17

he loves me but he isn't in love with me

That's script for he's met someone else. 😥

madmum5811 · 11/01/2019 20:22

I would not mention the divorce word until I had everything organised. If you bank online move your money now!! It is bloody hard to get it back later.

Original poster
confusedandunsure84 · 11/01/2019 20:22

He should have been in. I don't know if he came back on his lunch break and left the note or if he just pretended to go to work this morning and then came home once we were gone and left the note then.
I have looked around and he has taken an over night bag and some clothes and his passport .

I have my own bank account but I won't be able to carry one living in the house with the DCs without him. I became a SAHM when we first adopted the DCs and I only just started part time work and its not enough to live on.

I don't know if he has another women he hasn't shown any signs he has been home as much as he normally is and he isn't really on his phone that often.

I haven't told anyone in real life yet I kind of don't want to because then it will seem more real in a way. I don't have any friends that I am close enough to share this with. I might call my dad once the DCs are asleep but he lives an hour away and will be working in the morning so I wouldn't want him to come and stay the night with me .

I just feel so stupid how did I not see this coming I keep going over and over the last few months looking for some sign that he was unhappy but I just can't think of one.

OP posts:
OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 11/01/2019 20:28

I'm so sorry. Flowers

Your 'h' is a complete and utter bastard! Angry

madmum5811 · 11/01/2019 20:32

mm. he hasnt been missing, does he have a hobby gym for instance? Could it be someone at work.

Why on earth has he taken his passport I wonder? Unless he needs it for ID to open new bank accounts etc.

madmum5811 · 11/01/2019 20:35

Where is his driving licence? If you want to keep busy tomorrow photocopy all office type stuff, two friends found their OH had cleared out this paper trail. We warned a third friend who photocopied everything and left it safe with a friend. It was useful fodder for the solicitor. Her OH had inherited money and had two pensions, one which he tried to hide, the paper evidence condemned him.

NotafanofmySIL · 11/01/2019 20:37

So sorry that this has happened to you, OP. You must be in pieces right now but having to carry on for the sake of the children. He is an utter coward to do this to you. If he was unhappy, he should have talked to you about it and at least done things the correct way. Upping and leaving with only a pathetic note for explanation is the act of someone very emotionally immature.

You are going to be on tenterhooks until he comes back on Sunday, I expect. I hope you get some answers then. I hope your dad can give you some support in the meantime. Sending you Flowers

allaboutHR · 11/01/2019 20:41

I just feel so stupid how did I not see this coming I keep going over and over the last few months looking for some sign that he was unhappy but I just can't think of one.

This is your brain trying to find the answers in order to keep you safe, to protect you, so it doesn't happen again.

Please have a think about joining the Runaway Facebook group and get some support, these women know how you're feeling and can be there for you.

If you have any joint saving and have access to them online, it might be prudent to move them just in case, they'll just act as a security blanket for your piece of mind right now.

Don't panic about where you're going to live or how you're going to support yourself tonight, because you will sort it out. Just deal with an hour at a time.

madmum5811 · 11/01/2019 20:48

Dont beat yourself up my friend found out the day they were moving out having sold the house. He had control of all the money and had organised a rental, she was homeless. No-one saw that coming.

Parttimewasteoftime · 11/01/2019 20:54

Jesus OP that's unforgivable he is an utter shit. Your poor DC put them first throw his stuff out and call your Dad!
Just such a cowardly thing to do he could have least told you face to face! I am so angry for you don't get upset get angry 😡

GrandmaJane · 11/01/2019 21:03

Stop asking why, and never blame yourself. He took his dick elsewhere because that’s what really matters to him. That doesn’t take anything from you being a great woman. There’s fabulous advice on this thread. Don’t look back. This is the new reality. Don’t agree to anything until you’ve had legal advice and always view your lawyer with suspicion - mine was crap. Good luck, you can do this.

Original poster
confusedandunsure84 · 11/01/2019 21:17

Thank you all for your advice.
I have called my dad and he is travelling here to stay with me.
I don't have online banking so I won't be able to check the joint accounts till tomorrow though I am guessing if he has planned all this out he will have moved any money he wanted already.

MIL has text me to tell me that H is staying at her house at the moment. She doesn't seem to know why he is there and has assumed we are just having an argument. I haven't replied to her yet because I just don't know what to say. My thoughts keep going back to the DCs and what am I going to tell them when their dad isn't back tomorrow and how devastated they will be when they find out whats going on.

OP posts:
gt84 · 11/01/2019 21:17

I’m so sorry this is happening to you.

Such a nasty way to leave someone and your poor dc too. What a coward.

I would make sure to be out on Sunday and see a solicitor as soon as possible. How does he expect the kids to wait until Sunday without you having to explain his whereabouts to them?!
So unfair to leave it to you to tell them or make something up until he comes to talk to them!

SuperSuperSuper · 11/01/2019 21:24

I don't know whether there's an OW but I do know he's a bit of a coward, and very selfish. I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

Startoftheyear2019 · 11/01/2019 21:27

Thinking of you 💐

bigchris · 11/01/2019 21:29

Don't answer MIL , thays his issue not yours Flowers

allaboutHR · 11/01/2019 21:33

My thoughts keep going back to the DCs and what am I going to tell them when their dad isn't back tomorrow and how devastated they will be when they find out whats going on.

I'm not familiar with Adoption so forgive me, do you think it might be sensible to get advice about telling the children, from an Adoption Social Worker?

MotherOfDragonite · 11/01/2019 21:35

What a dick!

Seriously, what kind of human perceives a big problem like this in his relationship and doesn't TALK TO THE OTHER PERSON about it before buggering off?

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