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Original poster

Is he going to have an affair with a younger woman?

116 replies

forbackwards · 08/01/2019 22:46

Long-time reader, but had to start an account today to get help.

Is my boyfriend going to cheat on me? We met a year ago after my divorce and things have been amazing (he's great with my two kids) and then this younger couple moves into town. The wife is flirty and literally younger than his own son (by a year!) He calls her ‘kid’ and everything and I’m sure he sees her that way, but other signs point to something else. They text a lot and sign off ‘xx’ – he only started doing this after he met her. He also asks her to do favours for him that I could easily do, like creating an email account. She stares at him with stars in her eyes and twirls her hair when he’s talking and he loves the attention – but I’m worried he’s going to take it further. Then when they hug it’s this ridiculously long hug goodbye…wtf?? It also hurt when he told her husband the other night that he’s lucky because he’s married to the most beautiful woman in the world 🙁 🙁 never heard him say that about anyone but me. The two of them poke fun at each all night when we’re out with friends and it’s like nobody else is there! I don’t know if they just get along really well or I need to be worried about something? My instinct tells me it’s because he likes to feel young (he always hangs out with people much younger than him). Does he see her as a daughter type? PLEASE HELP I need 100% honesty – I am so lost!!

OP posts:
Therighthonourable · 08/01/2019 22:51

I really can't help. All I can say is how I would feel. I would think " I can't stop this from happening and even if I could why would I? Because she isn't the problem, if he is the type of man to cheat then he will ".

I wouldn't want to stop it. I would want rid of him.

Feckers2018 · 08/01/2019 22:53

No he doesn't see her as a daughter type thats wishful thinking. He is being v disrespectful of your feelings.

maximumcarnage · 08/01/2019 22:55

It doesn’t sound very appropriate based off what you have been saying. I don’t know a guy, myself included that doesn’t find the attention of a young woman flattering. But it’s easy for lines to become blurred and it develop into something far worse. Of course I’m not saying this will happen, that your man and this woman would do that. It’s quite possibly a father/daughter type dynamic.

Still it would raise an eyebrow with me. If he starts getting possessive of his phone, has absences that can’t be easily explained or his behaviour starts to change towards you I’d definitely be concerned.

However I don’t see why you can’t have a quiet word with him and get him to tone things down, if he loves and cares about you he should take your concerns and how it makes you feel seriously.

MoonSafarix · 08/01/2019 23:00

He does not see her as a daughter, no.

I think you need to show him that this lack of respect for you is a turn off. Don't fall in to the trap of competing for his attention because the reality is, there isn't a competition. She's with somebody else, right? and she needs the validation, or enjoys it.

As pp says, start off with an explanation that his behaviour is disrespectful to you and a warning that he stop before you get so turned off that you walk away and leave him. iF HE VALUES YOU and values your relationship then he won't want to jeopardise what he has now by disregarding your feelings to flirt with her. If he would rather flirt with her and ignore you request then you have an arsehole 'd'p

Original poster
forbackwards · 08/01/2019 23:06

For the record, I have tried to talk to him and he denies everything and says sorry for making me feel like that. Then after a couple of weeks and a few drinks into the night, he goes back to that behaviour with her. I was away with the kids over the holidays and I know they were together twice (with a group), so who knows how he was then.

OP posts:
maximumcarnage · 08/01/2019 23:19

Well if he’s still behaving this way despite you’re very understandable concerns then your fella is a bit of a jerk. If my partner felt uncomfortable and my behaviour was inappropriate I’d simply cut contact. I think your guy needs to do the same. If he won’t that doesn’t bode well for your relationship.

Look at it this way. If he’s refusing to listen to your valid concerns and is still behaving like this, even if nothing has or will happen between them, what will happen when he does meet a woman he does fancy?

jessstan2 · 08/01/2019 23:22

Do you have to be quite such close friends with this couple? A little distance would help and she'll start flirting with someone else.

dragonflyflew · 08/01/2019 23:22

Why are they sending text messages to each other? How did they move so fast from being strangers?

Original poster
forbackwards · 08/01/2019 23:30

They moved here a few months ago but I agree, they grew close fast. The first month she had to call him to put down an animal and I guess they bonded after that.

I wish we could cut contact with them but we live in a very small rural town and she literally lives 10 minutes away from him. I know he's trying his best to 'behave' but it's almost like he can't help himself, which is what hurts the most. Sometimes I throw him 'the look' when they're doing exactly what I pointed out to him, and he comes to me and puts his arm around me and stops for a while. But the fact that he's trying yet can't resist her frustrates me. I see this huge grin on his face when she's coming and I catch him looking at her sideways literally every few seconds.

OP posts:
maximumcarnage · 08/01/2019 23:40

Well that sounds even worse. The picture you paint suggests if she clicked her fingers he’d be right over.

Does she flirt with him? Say or do anything suggestive? I know you say she gazed at him but I was wondering if it’s just more than being super friendly? Does he try to hide messages from her? And I appreciate it’s a small place but surely you can cut down on visits, suggest doing more things with just you and the other half?

Original poster
forbackwards · 09/01/2019 00:05

What you described is exactly what it's like - the other day she had a tradesman at her house and called him to say she was uncomfortable being alone with a strange man, so he offered to go straight over to hers. She's a sweet and overly-affectionate girl so it's hard to tell. I think it's odd that she 'play punches' him in the stomach and once placed her hand on his thigh to tell him something (they were sitting next to each other). Would you interpret that as flirty? She also seems to respect boundaries with the other paired men in the town and talks more to their female partners. She asks him a lot about girls he's dated before and he seems to have an odd interest in her dating past too (he asked her if she'd dated two guys at once before - I got very upset by this). On New Year's Eve I was talking to my neighbour who accidentally said, "Are [boyfriend's name] and [girl's name] here tonight?" accidentally associated them as a couple.

He doesn't try to hide his phone but I don't know if he deletes messages from her. From looking at his call log, they have pretty long conversations when he's meant to be at work.

OP posts:
Orange6904 · 09/01/2019 01:39

Sounds really disrespectful sorry, has he been like this before?

halfwitpicker · 09/01/2019 01:46

She's a sweet and overly-affectionate girl so it's hard to tell.

^

GrinConfused

No she's not.

Original poster
forbackwards · 09/01/2019 01:50

He has never been like this. In fact, he was the most attentive man I've ever been with until now. Granted we've only been together a bit over a year.

What I mean by sweet and affectionate is everyone likes her and she's very charming, always offering to help do things. I've seen her cuddling almost everyone to say hello, but never that 'lingering' hug she does with my man!

OP posts:
Loveweekends10 · 09/01/2019 01:52

Rural community or not I would kick her into touch and give him an ultimatum. Surely her patrner is not comfortable either. Talk to him about it.

curlykaren · 09/01/2019 01:54

The place you live sounds weird?! How are you coming across her so often to be in situations where she is touching his leg? And people know them well enough to know their names but not well enough to know he's with you? Seriously, move somewhere else it sounds bizarre??

Bubs101 · 09/01/2019 01:55

Sounds like he's already cheating on you OP, maybe not physically but emotionally. I would be absolultely livid if DH thought this behaviour was appropriate, long calls whilst he's supposed to be at work? saying shes the most beautiful woman in the world? Sounds like emotionally he's already there with her, can imagine if she made the first move he's be all for it.

I think you need to think long and hard about this, do you want to spend the rest of your relationship feeling like second place to this woman, always getting anxious when they do something together? I think not, maybe sit him down and tell him why this behaviour is wrong and that you expect him to either cut off contact with her for the sake of your marriage, if he refuses, its clear where his heart is at, and it's not you im afraid. Best of luck OP!

Bubs101 · 09/01/2019 01:56

Sorry correction, for the sake of your relationship! not marrige.

Original poster
forbackwards · 09/01/2019 02:00

The comment on New Year's was a slip of the tongue (she was supposed to say if this woman and her husband were there) but accidentally said my boyfriend's name instead of the husband's. It goes to show other people see there's something there too.

Thanks for the clarity, it's good to get these feelings reaffirmed. I think I need to talk to him again when I get home.

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 09/01/2019 02:05

He’s humiliating you and has cheapened your relationship, for them to be so touchy feely with each other publicly is really inappropriate, and appallingly rude to her Husband and you OP.

I also believe she is not innocent in this situation, she knows exactly what she is doing, seeking affection and attention, the fact they are texting each other affectionately already would have me ending things today.

I live in a very rural comunity, I understand the constant contact everyone knowing everyone, its really quite possible everyone is already talking about his/her closeness.

you really shouldn’t have to tell your Partner he’s making you feel uncomfortable, but he knows and he doesn’t care.

Ditch him Flowers

Orillia93 · 09/01/2019 02:19

Yeah no doubt op, they fancy each other like mad and if something hasn't happened yet it soon will. He either cuts all contact from now on or you and him break up. It's as simple as that.

BumbleBeee69 · 09/01/2019 02:21

I agree Orilla93, it’s only a matter of time.

Justagirlwholovesaboy · 09/01/2019 02:25

He’s having a midlife crisis and yes he’s having an emotional affair, if not more. Confront him and tell him it’s over, this won’t stop unless he chooses, or you choose you can’t live like this

LilQueenie · 09/01/2019 02:30

does her husband know all this?

Smotheroffive · 09/01/2019 02:33

This girl is in a relationship and is younger by a year than his own DD!!!?

Kick him out the lecherous bastard. It's gross, completely, and he knows exactly what he's doing.

Tell him to get lost. Find yourself a decent grown up bloke. They are already involved and taking the piss completely