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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he going to have an affair with a younger woman?

116 replies

forbackwards · 08/01/2019 22:46

Long-time reader, but had to start an account today to get help.

Is my boyfriend going to cheat on me? We met a year ago after my divorce and things have been amazing (he's great with my two kids) and then this younger couple moves into town. The wife is flirty and literally younger than his own son (by a year!) He calls her ‘kid’ and everything and I’m sure he sees her that way, but other signs point to something else. They text a lot and sign off ‘xx’ – he only started doing this after he met her. He also asks her to do favours for him that I could easily do, like creating an email account. She stares at him with stars in her eyes and twirls her hair when he’s talking and he loves the attention – but I’m worried he’s going to take it further. Then when they hug it’s this ridiculously long hug goodbye…wtf?? It also hurt when he told her husband the other night that he’s lucky because he’s married to the most beautiful woman in the world 🙁 🙁 never heard him say that about anyone but me. The two of them poke fun at each all night when we’re out with friends and it’s like nobody else is there! I don’t know if they just get along really well or I need to be worried about something? My instinct tells me it’s because he likes to feel young (he always hangs out with people much younger than him). Does he see her as a daughter type? PLEASE HELP I need 100% honesty – I am so lost!!

OP posts:
Racecardriver · 09/01/2019 02:37

Some people just like the attention and won’t necessarily take it further. Does it matter though? What are you getting out of the relationship. Not love or respect clearly.

Tweety1981 · 09/01/2019 02:50

They r probably flirting . Flirting normally fizzles out

Graphista · 09/01/2019 02:58

It's already ab emotional affair. If he thinks anything of you he'll drop her at your request - but I suspect he won't and that will be your answer.

I'm AMAZED her husband hasn't decked him!

Aside from that - are you already living together?!

Productrecall · 09/01/2019 02:58

Flirting is still completely inappropriate in the situation. And just as often as it fizzles out, it develops into setting more.

Productrecall · 09/01/2019 02:58

*something

Tweety1981 · 09/01/2019 02:59

I don’t think you need to dump him . Any human will find someone else attractive. If I were you I would start flirting with this younger woman’s husband or equivalent so ur hubby gets the message ....

heartyrebel · 09/01/2019 02:59

Definitely an affair building there, they have chemistry and you dont touch people's legs when talking unless you are very close.

Scott72 · 09/01/2019 03:08

"the other day she had a tradesman at her house and called him to say she was uncomfortable being alone with a strange man, so he offered to go straight over to hers"

Geez that's pretty blatant. I wouldn't go confronting him just yet, wait til you get some kind of evidence.

Tweety1981 · 09/01/2019 03:16

Just tell him what u think ... right in front of your children.

Tweety1981 · 09/01/2019 03:17

But remember everyone is human .

Adversecamber22 · 09/01/2019 03:20

Her putting her hand on his thigh is extreme flirting.

I would be busting his balls, its straying in to an emotional affair already.

MumsyJ · 09/01/2019 03:41

I reckon her boyfriend doesn't give her the attention your partner does to her that's why she's locked in on your man, loving and making the most of the attention ( some young uns can be overly attention seekers). It could be an innocent flirting but I think it's time to put a stop to this nonsense. From your post, the familiarity blossomed rather quickly Hmm.

MsDogLady · 09/01/2019 03:53

Yes, he is having an emotional affair. He is ‘channeling emotional energy, time and attention into someone other than his partner.’ Plus, it has already turned physical.

You give him a look and excuse him by saying ‘it’s almost like he can’t help himself.’ He’s not 5. (And she is not sweet.)

He is cheating on you in plain sight and making a fool of you. Please find your self-respect.

Frequent texting
Long calls during working hours
Her taking your place doing favors
Him rescuing her

AND IN PUBLIC, IN FRONT OF YOU
Her eye gazing
His sideways glances every few seconds
Acting like the only two in the room
People thinking that THEY are the couple
Asking inappropriate questions about dating practices
Her touching his thigh and stomach
Ridiculously long, lingering hugs

Since he wants to act like a single man, I would make him one. Send him away and decide what YOU want. You deserve more respect..

AkebuGoddess · 09/01/2019 04:11

“When people show you who they are, believe them the first time." - Maya Angelou

I'm so sorry for your pain, you're too good for this man. It's obvious that he's having an emotional affair (if not more) and she knows exactly what she's doing, her sweet innocent act is how she gets validation from males. He sounds like he doesn't care about your feelings or the relationship. I would nip this in the bud and DUMP HIM asap. Love yourself and know that you (and your children) deserve much better treatment from your partner. Break it off on your terms to keep your power and dignity... why stay with a man you will always have to worry about? That's no life. And think, you're only a year into the relationship, not ten, so by ending it now you will have saved yourself an immense amount of heartbreak.

MsDogLady · 09/01/2019 05:13

Forbackwards, he sees her as a woman and is having an affair. He is demeaning you and your children. If he loved and respected you, he would not be immersing himself in her at every turn. He would not humiliate you like this. Calling, texting, looking, helping, touching. They have intimacy.

I would not stay with such a man. However, if you feel that you must try, I would impose consequences for his utter disregard of your dignity. Kick him out for a while so that he experiences the loss of you and the children. Allow him to return only if he cuts contact with her—in public and in private. And mean it. Personally, I would not defile my life with him.

user14869556378 · 09/01/2019 07:03

You are trying to make excuses for them. Trust your gut instinct here. They may not have an affair but their behaviour is not acceptable!!!

Pinkmonkeybird · 09/01/2019 10:18

@MsDogLady is spot on with her reply.

Either way this whole scenario is making you feel uncomfortable. It might not be a given that they will have an affair, but given the right occasion and by the sounds of their interactions...it could happen. The damsel in distress with having a strange man in the house and calling your OH = manipulation IMO. Why didn't she call her own OH instead?

I'd tell your OH that you are extremely uncomfortable with this friendship and lay it on the line. His reaction to you will speak volumes. If he is defensive, tells you that you are over reacting etc and seems more loyal to her, then you will know the answer.

Please don't make excuses for their behaviour. I'd definitely cut your losses now if you aren't satisfied by his reaction.

OoohAyyye · 09/01/2019 10:28

No OP, it's not on. You know it isn't. What's the point in talking to him? His actions clearly show who he really is and his lack of respect for you. Don't spend another year with this man.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 09/01/2019 10:31

But the thing is the OP has just been dating this guy for a year. She has no very strong claim on him and he is allowed to fall for other women. We don’t own our partners.

Am so sorry for you, and it’s tough, but he is showing you he really likes her. He may dump you for her or he may not - that is his choice. But your choice is to do what’s best for you - and maybe that’s to walk away with dignity now, or maybe it’s to try to ride it out.

ClockWatchingLady · 09/01/2019 12:26

Oh OP, this sounds tough.
I agree with others - there is something there, and it seems he's too infatuated to be able to walk away. At only a year into your relationship, if he's not still infatuated enough with you to prevent this happening, i suspect your relationship needs to end. To save your sanity and self respect it would probably be a good idea to get out now. He is not at all likely to be a good long term prospect. Flowers

BumbleBeee69 · 10/01/2019 00:11

But the thing is the OP has just been dating this guy for a year. She has no very strong claim on him and he is allowed to fall for other women. We don’t own our partners.

She is, at the very least, entitled to be respected and not humiliated by the man she has shared her bed home and family life with, for this past year.

Orange6904 · 10/01/2019 00:19

Weird comment about it being a year above. What does that matter? If they are together and not in some kind of open relationship then it's disrespectful.

Smotheroffive · 10/01/2019 00:28

workingitout I am confused at your comment about one year. Do you not consider that this makes this a serious relationship, which they are already a long way into?

No, absolutely, noone owns anyone but if you are in a relationship that's a commitment to someone to not sleep around.

Katgurl · 10/01/2019 09:12

Op this sounds absolutely horrible. I could not bear it and would have to walk away. I am not saying this is what you should to but I would find it torturous watching my dp constantly flirting with, staring at and generally fancying someone else.

hallodarknessmyoldfriend · 10/01/2019 09:47

Doesn't sounds good, OP.

Does her husband seem concerned with her behaviour? Surely he must have noticed.

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