When one earns much more than the other in a relationship

[keepyk]

I earn around four times that of my husband. Not unusual I expect, but it's causing real problems for us. Any chance of us buying a house of our dreams will all be down to me and my career. I don't enjoy my job, it's hard and emotionally exhausting. I've spent years studying whilst working full time. We have three children. I took virtually no time off at all to have them and had no drop in income for that time.

He works full time and he loves his job, it's a lifestyle more than a career. I'm happy for him but also aware he couldn't do what he does without me supporting the family so much.

we 'share' housework . Basically I run the show though, from shopping, meals, holidays etc.

He's feeling defeated and deflated. I'm a huge feminist but cross that so much seems to have fallen on my shoulders. I know we can't have it both ways as women.

Are there any others out there in a similar situation? How do make peace with financial inequality in a relationship?

I’m in a similar situation, would love to see the responses

Nope. If you're unhappy just LTB.

What did you hope to achieve by hearing of other people who earn more than their partners?

If you subsidise your partner’s lifestyle it’s perfectly okay to stop and say from now on we are no longer doing joint finances. It may prod him to find a better paying job.

Cherries would you say the same if the OP was a man? I actually agree with you but so many times on here the mentality seems to be that it’s fine to sponge off men but not the other way round

Similar situation here. DP could earn loads more but has taken a risk on his current role which isn’t paying off.
I would like another baby, but we simply can’t afford 4 children in private school. We talked about it over Xmas and he said “we need to earn more money”. I wasn’t happy with the comment as I keep us financially afloat.
I wonder about stopping joint finances to kick him into gear but the kids will suffer.

I probably do subsidise his lifestyle but he would say he "hadn't got the same earning potential as me". (He went to university- I didn't!)

This is a lame excuse to me as I pulled out all the stops career wise to earn more. I did it because I wanted a better life not 'for the fun of it'!

Personally I think there's two issues there:

1. The financial burden and responsibility
2. The household burden and responsibility

It might be that if he picks up the slack on 2 (aka does his share), then you might get more downtime and can switch off from 1.
Or you might decide you are going to step back to a more comfortable and enjoyable job, and so he needs to step it up.

Then again I'm often accused of all sorts because I also don't believe it's ok for women to want to pursue their lifestyles/choices and expect to be subbed and funded by a fella. On MN any man who gets bankrolled or propped up by a woman is a cocklodger who needs to step up but women (often) seem to get a free ride to do what they like.

At the end of the day a relationship is a partnership and expecting one person to prop up the other indefinitely (especially at the expense of their own happiness) isn't on.

I have always been the much higher earner but DP cooks, does his share of other chores, was around in school holidays, and is a romantic complement to more practical me. So a good team which must help. That said, I found it draining and pressured at times - like I had a foot in my back pushing me back out there even when I hated work. However, it has also meant we are financially comfortable and I have now been able to step back career wise (late 40s). So maybe see it as a means to an end and have an 'exit plan' from work you don't enjoy ...?

"we 'share' housework Basically I run the show though, from shopping, meals, holidays etc."

"He's feeling defeated and deflated. I'm a huge feminist but cross that so much seems to have fallen on my shoulders."

WTF is with the cheeky wink? Do you think it's amusing that you have shouldered the majority of the burden of supporting the family financially and practically? Are you proud of it?

If his poor male ego feels "deflated" perhaps he could proactively contribute more, either by considering better paid employment or by relieving you of much of the "wifework" in order to allow you some respite from the pressure of being responsible for EVERYTHING?

You can call yourself a feminist but feminism is not about doing it all. It's about sharing responsibility.

Exactly Maisipops. Usually, when it's the woman being supported there is a payback as in they look after the kids or the house, but with us we both work FT, he actually works more hours than I do. There's no payback for me

Stop with the joint finances.

Totally agree Maisy imo a partnership necessitates both parties pulling their weight financially

You're right to be frustrated OP.

I think he's got himself comfy where he feels he can have the lifestyle he seeks at home and the career he enjoys and a wife who'll sort the house out, therefore he has it made.

He can only afford the lifestyle you have because of your substantially better paying job.
He can only afford to spend the extra hours doing his job because you are picking up the home stuff.

He gets to do all the 'man goes out to work' crap, but with none of the financial responsibility and then can use long hours to justify him not sharing the load at home. Meanwhile you're doing double shifts.

Maybe he just isn't as driven by money as you ?

Both dh and I have made all sorts of decisions about our careers over the years - for both of us, both the 'enjoyment' of what we do, and the 'worth' of what we do FAR outweigh the importance of the amount we earn. Obviously, that is once we have enough to cover food and basic bills, but we've both said 'no' to opportunities that would have earned us more.
Money is just less important to some people than others.

You can only do what YOU can do. And I would start by stopping funding the lifestyle and job.

Your conspiratorial winking emoji gives me the chills - you have accepted ‘a woman’s lot’ and assume we all do this. We don’t. Please stop for your own happiness.

You are two adults and he cannot have it all. He must contribute to the home and lifestyle as much as you. That is what you both need to be happy. But equal contribution doesn’t need to be money or job, it just needs to be effort. He needs to realise that most of us have full dreary days doing the best we can - not a ‘lifestyle’.

back
Perhaps, but he seems happy to have the lifestyle that the OP's job is providing. Even if he wasn't bothered as much by money, he still doesn't pull his weight around the house.

We are soon to face the situation of moving to a larger, expensive house owned solely by me because I have the money to buy it. It's what I've worked so hard for but he won't even own part of it as he has almost nothing to contribute.

I'm really uncomfortable with this situation. I think it'll be terrible for our relationship.

I should add that I do love him and I want to keep the family together.

I think this is a really difficult one to adjust to. Studies show over and over again that women partner with men who are either of equal or of higher earning power to themselves. Your DH has lower status to you, and that is a really difficult one to adjust to. It sits right in your gut

Have the two of you actually talked about it? Properly I mean?

I should explain the wink about the housework. We have a cleaner ( usually paid by me) and he does help with the house but I don't expect he's ever washed the kitchen bin, cleaned the skirting boards, he's never cleaned the loos as far as I know etc etc etc. He wouldn't change the beds for instance.

What's the point of him exactly?

Does he have a gold plated vibrating penis?

Shit anotherEmma, that's harsh!!!!

I've tried to talk but he's got zero emotional intelligence and really struggles yo talk about anything remotely difficult. He takes it as an attack every time. He's refused couples counselling.

You both work full time. He works more hours. Housework should be shared evenly between you both.

Your issue is with his ambition. You work hard in a job you don't love because it's high earning.

He works in a job he loves but doesn't earn much.

Do you want him to change jobs or retrain so he can earn more?

Is it about dissatisfaction with your own job but you feel stuck as it is needed to pay bills?

You’re married? Doesn’t that mean you will jointly own the new house regardless

I can see why you’re struggling if you’re doing it all