When one earns much more than the other in a relationship

[keepyk]

I earn around four times that of my husband. Not unusual I expect, but it's causing real problems for us. Any chance of us buying a house of our dreams will all be down to me and my career. I don't enjoy my job, it's hard and emotionally exhausting. I've spent years studying whilst working full time. We have three children. I took virtually no time off at all to have them and had no drop in income for that time.

He works full time and he loves his job, it's a lifestyle more than a career. I'm happy for him but also aware he couldn't do what he does without me supporting the family so much.

we 'share' housework . Basically I run the show though, from shopping, meals, holidays etc.

He's feeling defeated and deflated. I'm a huge feminist but cross that so much seems to have fallen on my shoulders. I know we can't have it both ways as women.

Are there any others out there in a similar situation? How do make peace with financial inequality in a relationship?

This pretty much. I want to know where all these men who share 50% of the household chores are hiding, because I don’t think I’ve ever met one.
DH does 50% of the household work as does his dad. In their family it was instilled in them that people do chores because they are members of the household.

There are times DH does more than me and times I do more than him but the default is 50/50.

It's the norm with our friends too. DH and his friends also have strong feelings about men who 'babysit' and 'help out' around the house instead of 'raise their own children and function like an adult human'.

Then again we're under no illusions that we're probably not typical.

"This pretty much. I want to know where all these men who share 50% of the household chores are hiding, because I don’t think I’ve ever met one. "

Me! I earn more than my DW and probably do 80% plus of the household chores. I do all the shopping, cooking, ironing, drop offs at school and do all the sports and activities. I probably do 3/4 of the cleaning and washing. We definitely exist as my best mate does the same in his house.

I'm male and earn more than my DP. We put money into a joint pot for living expenses and savings but I put in more as we do it more as a % of earnings. We thought this was the fairest way to do it. My job is more stressful and requires me to work harder and although I am putting more money into the joint pot I also have more disposable income to show for it.

And I also do slightly more housework.

As been mentioned if you have 3 kids in private school its not like he’s on £10k!

He might be earning the sort of money a lot of people would be delighted with.
My sis has 4 in private school, about 80k per year. She works v part time. Bil doenst seem to object, he also pays for a cleaner.

That said it makes a lot of sense not to get married

Yep, me too, thanks all the same.

I earn a bit more than double what my DP does but, as I wfh and have some flexibility around popping out, I do all the school drop-offs and collections. I do about 80% (probably more) of the housework, all the looking after the animals, all the house maintenance except painting (which is shared) and about 90% of the “mental” workload (organising bills, car servicing, B’day and Christmas presents, medical appts, opticians, haircuts, school shoes and uniform, play dates for the DC etc).

I also cook 5 out of 7 of the weekly evening meals, mostly from scratch. About the only things my DP does 100% herself is organise her own social life and research our holidays.

Todayisbetter
So basically you are saying you expected a future husband to do the one thing you weren’t prepared to - be a slave to his career so you can do as you please?
You sound lovely.

I currently earn more then DH and have for all of our married life. However, since having kids he has retrained and now is on a career path that has potential for him to earn the same as me if not more. ( and is already earning significantly more than he did) but before this he did much more of the house work and child care then me as I was working more And he recognised that our contributions to our household were different.

I don't think an imbalance in finances is an issue if he is pulling his weight around the house but if you honestly have an issue with it I'm not sure what you can do other than talk with him and possibly split finances for house hold stuff etc. or honestly ask him to find work which contributes more for your joint lifestyle as he seems more than happy to live in the house you are going to buy and benefit from the cleaner you pay for.

My fiance does more round the house than me, he also earns more than me. We both work full time, no children.

These men do exist!

He probably doesn't want to go to counselling because he can't see how it can resolve him being the lower income provider.
He has less time to clean the skirting boards, you have had years of saving up, as he provides the house, why not pay for more cleaning & enjoy your very privileged life ?
or change your job & do something that makes you happy, instead of making it your husband the culprit ?

This pretty much. I want to know where all these men who share 50% of the household chores are hiding, because I don’t think I’ve ever met one.

My DH does and is a very high earner and works long hours. Don't judge everyone by your DH srandards.

@wherearemymarbles I'm not sure what point you are trying to make, other than being nasty. My DH loves his job, he doesn't love domestic chores. He's happy to outsource his "half", although I have to organise it. I'd hardly call working 30 hours a week and running a house with 2 primary school aged DCs "doing as I please". I think the idea that there are loads of men out there that do their 50% of the chores is akin to the MN statistic that at least 50% of DCs go to private schools.
witches I'm not judging all men by DH standards, I genuinely don't know one single man who does an equal amount of domestic stuff. Maybe its a case of birds of a feather.

Why did you not think about it before marrying him?

I don't understand what you mean by "He's feeling defeated and deflated".

You said he's happy in his job. And you do most of the housework. So what's he feeling down about?

I earn four times as much as my wife. Should I leave her?

Only if she does little to no childcare, housework or emotional labour.

HTH

our kids are grown up :)

In truth I'd say she does more housework than me - 70/30 - but I work longer hours with a longer commute whereas she works 9-3 five minutes away from our house

emotional labour - 50/50

all finances are joint

There you go, completely different situation
Sounds like you both contribute in different but fair ways 👍

I should clarify, we are not married. I refer to him as husband out of habit. He's never asked me and I refuse to ask him

How have you got into a habit calling him your husband when he’s never asked you for the title?

Honestly this situation would probably be better if he pulled his weight more. I work ridiculous hours and my husband is part time, he does the childcare, cleaning, cooking.

To be fair if he ended up on here bitching about me I wouldn’t be surprised lol

My DP works far more hours than I do and earns 3x what I earn, after taxes, and it will probably always be that way considering my mental health. I used to be ambitious but it's just not realistic any more. But then again I do most of the cleaning and all of the cooking. So we're a team really.

Definitely don’t marry him op!

Honestly this situation would probably be better if he pulled his weight more.
He works more hours though, although he earns less.

It's very difficult if the OP is driven and wants to have a high income lifestyle, and the partner isn't driven by money. I can see how he feels "defeated and deflated" if his partner feels he's inadequate. Neither's necessarily wrong, just unsuited.