When one earns much more than the other in a relationship

[keepyk]

I earn around four times that of my husband. Not unusual I expect, but it's causing real problems for us. Any chance of us buying a house of our dreams will all be down to me and my career. I don't enjoy my job, it's hard and emotionally exhausting. I've spent years studying whilst working full time. We have three children. I took virtually no time off at all to have them and had no drop in income for that time.

He works full time and he loves his job, it's a lifestyle more than a career. I'm happy for him but also aware he couldn't do what he does without me supporting the family so much.

we 'share' housework . Basically I run the show though, from shopping, meals, holidays etc.

He's feeling defeated and deflated. I'm a huge feminist but cross that so much seems to have fallen on my shoulders. I know we can't have it both ways as women.

Are there any others out there in a similar situation? How do make peace with financial inequality in a relationship?

It is really really hard. My partner is a stay at home dad. I see a lot of stay at home mums post on here about their unhelpful partners and think you need to think about the stress of being the main breadwinner.

My life would be worse without my DP though. Being main earner and no help with childcare etc would break me.

The thread the other day on volunteer work - there were loads of posts berating the partner for not valuing it

You are in a difficult situation op, but you seem to be determined to make it worse!

Why are you buying an expensive new house bearing in mind your current dissatisfaction with the financial/work situation? Is it really necessary to send all dc to private school? These things may be very important to you, in which case fair enough, but maybe stop rushing headlong into a future that doesn't suit you and you are not happy with.

The school fees are the lowest they’ll be right now, so pressure will only increase if you continue

marsha
If someone wants to do voluntary work and the breadwinner is feeling like they want the financial burden to be more equal then the person who wants to not work and volunteer instead needs to accept they arent entitled to have someone facilitating that lifestyle.

It's a partnership and when one person is doing substantially more than the other then it's fair game to review where the relationship is at.

In the case of the OP, the different incomes isn't the end of the world, but the DP's attitude of 'but I want to do something I enjoy and don't do much in the house and let you do the wife work. When you say you're unhappy I'm going to refuse to engage and refuse to do couples counselling' is an issue as that does communicate 'I've got what I want in life, am happy not pulling my weight at home and I don't really care enough to communicate or resolve any issues'.

You can’t live your life pissed off with him for earning so much less and calling it “my house” etc. You’re either a team or you aren’t. It sounds like you think he’s a waste of space, in which case it’s probably better to leave him and his frustrating lack of ambition behind. If you adored him and wanted to be a team then you’d find a way to make your peace with this.

It’s not ideal no, but it’s not just about comparative incomes, it can work but probably not in this case

Usually things are a joint decision. Was he a farmer when you met or did he decide to go into it, what did he do before?

Does he earn any money and does he expect to? Usually both look at how long to pursue something

The resentment will be a killer, he does need to listen to how you’re feeling

I’m going to be unpopular but to me it doesn’t sound like you’ve bought into the notion of partnership. It’s still your money. You buying a house etc. In a partnership inevitably one earns more than the other. Sometimes the difference is small. Sometimes it’s big. In a marriage/true partnership that money is family money.

In truth, it feels like jealousy that he enjoys his job. He’s hardly lazing around playing games all day. He’s working full time too but the difference is he enjoys his work. It’s not his fault you don’t.

Perhaps the answer is to look for a less well paid job that you do enjoy and not worry about a bigger house.

His shit job presumably suited you fine when you were living in the house that came with it, and he was paying the rent.

I don't understand the criticism directed at him regarding his financial situation at all. He works full time, pays the rent and most of the bills, and does less at home because he works longer hours than op.

OP meanwhile has chosen a job she doesn't enjoy, has chosen to send the children into private education, and has now chosen to save up family money to buy a big new house in her name only.

There are so many threads on here where the overwhelming majority support splitting family money equally, and splitting leisure time equally.

IMO if op feels under pressure the answer isn't in making him leave a job he loves, but in making changes herself - send children to local state schools, forget the big new house and look for a job that you can enjoy.

Obviously if he's horrible and you don't love him, then that's different.

@AhNowTed

"You have a view that no man would ever do a 50/50 household contribution and I'm sorry but I know plenty of men who do just this."

You've misread my posts. That's not my view at all. I lnow that plenty of men do at least 50% of the household chores (my DH is one of them). I just don't believe that men would be the main earner, the main carer, run the household AND do all the emotional labour. (Men in relationships, I mean - of course single fathers would have to do all that.) Men are just not conditioned to do everything in the way that women are.

Completely agree with GloomyMondays last post.

Op, you have been fortunate to live in a (farm?) house probably subsided because of your partners work and he pays for it. Housing is the main cost for any household so that is a massive benefit.

I don't think farming is a hobby, most farmers I know work very hard and it's a vocation..albeit not well paid, often.

It would not be fair to force him into a job change because you are unhappy.

I get that you are unhappy but you are in control of that..I understand that living with an emotionally unsupportive partner is draining but if that is the issue, address it. Maybe he isn't the right man for you.

I completely see why he wont want to give up his job/house as he will lose his housing security. If he has funded housing for years do you not see that as a major contribution?

Resentment is a relationship killer but I think you have other issues, rather than money. I think you resent going back to work early after dc, totally understand that as I did also...but you do need to own it was your choice as there would have been options.
Could you get counselling to unpack all your thoughts?

It's what I've worked so hard for but he won't even own part of it as he has almost nothing to contribute.

Won't he?

You're married aren't you.

I know one woman who had to buy out her not very long-term husband of a house bought with her insurance/compensation money from losing her first husband, and another who had to sell her house and move to social housing in order to give hervex husband his share of a house bought with her divorce proceeds (from first husband) and an inheritance from her father. Neither of those men contributed FA to the purchase of the houses.

merville

They aren’t married, she just calls him her husband out of habbit.

Sorry, just saw your 'call him husband but not married' post; well that's possibly a good thing.

I think we need to know more before we make a judgement.

Do you get the same amount of leisure time?
Is he generous?
Is it you pushing for a bigger and better life or both of you?

I should've read the full thread @calvinsmam 😀

While i am an advocate of separate finances, I actually do think YABU. Paying private school fees is not a necessity. I think each person should pay the same % of their salary into the outgoings, but in real terms this means the higher earner contributes more. And since you mentioned he’s paying all the rent himself that’s one cost you’re not contributing to isn’t it? In your position I would split finances completely, both contribute a percentage to all outgoings, and each do as you wish with what’s left over. If he then feels that he hasn’t got enough disposable income he can look for another higher paid job. I’d give exactly the same advice to a man

If the OP is sending three children to private school, she must be on a fairly large salary, so her partner may not be on a tiny salary. The split might be £30k, £120k. If he were on £10k, it would be easier to get a better paid job. But if he's on £30k, that's above average salary.

Also, is he actually benefitting from the larger salary? It's the OP who wants to send the children to private school.

The problem is the mismatch between their outlook on life.

I think it is always useful to remember that one person's 'high earner' is another person's 'could earn more'.

For example, 70k is a higher rate tax payer and generally comes with a senior post. In most parts of the country that is a great salary and you need to do a lot to earn it. But in City salary terms, that is small beer indeed! So should a person earning 250K regard a person earning 70k as not contributing much to their relationship? Regard what they do as a hobby? Buy a house in their name only? These figures aren't monopoly money - there are lots of people in London and the South East who take home that kind of money. Are those high earners all viewing their lower-earning partners in this light?

How would you feel OP if you were in a relationship with a much higher earner and they were telling you that your business was just a hobby? That you needed to be more ambitious?

Society values money and it is as if the higher earner carries the 'moral right' of that contribution. But what is a person's value to a family when all is said and done? For what it's worth, I have never yet been to a funeral where someone's salary or financial contribution was mention in the eulogy.

The other issue is that, after a certain time of life, people's earning potential is more or less fixed. What else would he do if he gave up farming. Work in an agricultural supplies shop perhaps, try to get a job in an office? Yes, perhaps he could train as an accountant or go to medical school, but does he have the right skillset? Re-training inevitably incurs costs and many people spend time and money retraining to find that they are not earning much more than they were in the first place.

What was he when you met? If you chose him as a farmer, then you now need to take the ups and downs of him being a farmer - or end the relationship.

I think it's interesting that the OP has focused on the finances. Based on the rest of her posts on the thread it's become clear to me that there are other issues in the relationship, and IMO it's the bigger picture and the combination of issues that's a concern.

I wouldn't want my partner to work all the time, long hours including weekends and (presumably) little to no holiday, even if he was earning a lot of money. However, I can see that a high salary compensated for long hours in some ways - it relieves financial pressure on the other partner, who has to pick up the slack with childcare and housework, and it allows the family to pay for things like a cleaner, gardener etc. But with long hours and a low salary I can see how the resentment would easily seep in.

Farming is definitely a lifestyle, isn't it, and it's not for everyone. OP, was he already a farmer when you got together? Did it bother you then?

*compensates

There's nothing wrong with having a degree and being a farmer (or farm manager) - salary averages £28k - and enjoying your job. It's sad that in the first post the OP says he's feeling defeated and deflated.

There's nothing wrong with not having a degree and being driven to have a well paid career and wanting a nice house and sending your children to a private school.

However, would the OP enjoy her job more if her partner had a better paid job that he hated - even supposing he could get one?

I think given your attitude to finances at the moment, spending extra family money on new property is just going to make things worse.

This is such an interesting post.

*The OP would NEVER be a man

No man would ever do everything*

This pretty much. I want to know where all these men who share 50% of the household chores are hiding, because I don’t think I’ve ever met one.

I totally get where you are coming from OP. It became pretty clear to me fairly early on in my (high earning) career that if I didn’t want to feel trapped in my job (and by that I mean have the option to work part time/be a SAHM) I would have to marry someone who’s earning capacity was at least in he same ball park as me. I was engaged to someone who was going to earn about 1/3 mine, and called off the wedding- it was just so obvious that I was going to be left to do everything as well as work full time. DH salary dwarfs mine. I watched/still watch so many female colleagues suddenly realise that to maintain the same or even vaguely similar lifestyle they have no choice but to work full time forever. Occasionally a DH steps up, mostly they don’t.
DH doesn’t resent me spending our family money one bit. He does almost nothing round the house (but works 60+ hours/wk- I work 30hrs) but happily pays for me to outsource.