When one earns much more than the other in a relationship

[keepyk]

I earn around four times that of my husband. Not unusual I expect, but it's causing real problems for us. Any chance of us buying a house of our dreams will all be down to me and my career. I don't enjoy my job, it's hard and emotionally exhausting. I've spent years studying whilst working full time. We have three children. I took virtually no time off at all to have them and had no drop in income for that time.

He works full time and he loves his job, it's a lifestyle more than a career. I'm happy for him but also aware he couldn't do what he does without me supporting the family so much.

we 'share' housework . Basically I run the show though, from shopping, meals, holidays etc.

He's feeling defeated and deflated. I'm a huge feminist but cross that so much seems to have fallen on my shoulders. I know we can't have it both ways as women.

Are there any others out there in a similar situation? How do make peace with financial inequality in a relationship?

The financial inequality shouldn't really be a problem should it? Someone has to earn more and - as we hear so often on here - its all family money.

When women post on here from the position of SAHM or part-time worker or lower paid partner, they are generally advised not to accept separate finances.

He's working full time, and working more hours than op, so I'm not sure he can do much more. Maybe he could retrain or switch careers to earn more but would he ever earn OP's 4 x more? Doesn't it seem churlish to make him leave a job he loves just because OP doesn't love hers?

I do think that the housework and childcare should be split fairly, and OP should consider a career change as she's so unhappy, with her DP supporting her and accepting the accompanying lifestyle change.

Hang on a second.

You both work full time and have kids.

Usually mners are falling over themseleves to say housework SHOULD be shared.

If a man ever posted that their was in their name only or that what they have is 'down to me' they would be ripped apart.

If you need him to carry more of the mental load, that's one thing. Or if you want to cut your cloth and change jobs etc. You are meant to be a team.

Ok the house may be going into your name, but you may find it's not that easy if your get divorced.

Oh please, calls for LTB and stop joint finances are just ridiculous. FFS. They're married with children.

OP I am I the same situation as you.

I earn around 3-4 times my DP.

Like you in the early days I took 12 weeks off for each baby as couldn't afford otherwise.

I've always had the more stressful job, working away and travelling.

Kids are now either in work or at uni. So no childcare anymore but it was tough for a long time.

My DP always had the job closer to home so he bore the brunt of pick ups and drop offs. One of us needed to be local and that was him.

Did more than his fair share of housework and getting kids up and out.

He's also the cook. 3 square meals a day.

In tend to be the cleaner.

The disparity in salary has never been an issue. We're a team. And we have a similar outlook to money which helps a lot. Neither big spenders, everything is transparent and we have equal access to joint funds.

If all the "wife work" is falling to you then that's a problem, but if you are both pulling together with house, kids etc there is no reason why you earning more money should be an issue.

What's the situation with regards to housework and kids?

And all assets are joint in a marriage so it doesn't matter whose name the house is in.

Although i would be quite hurt if dh bought a house in his own name because I, as the lower earner, couldn't contribute financially.

There are plenty of incidences where women earn four times less than the husband even working the same hours. The husband pays for a cleaner and funds a house purchase for example but it’s a joint asset.

But he could step up and ensure you’re not doing everything.

I should clarify, we are not married. I refer to him as husband out of habit. He's never asked me and I refuse to ask him.

Buy the house in your name, and stop supporting him if you aren’t married!

I wouldn’t put a partner’s name on a mortgage if they contributed nothing financially towards it. I would advise a higher-earning man to do the same thing as well.

There is a lot going on here but without even going into the ins and outs of the relationship...

You cannot make him earn more if he doesn't want to but you can manage your own situation. right now you are taking steps to exacerbate the situation.

I would council strongly against moving into an even larger, more expensive house. It will make resentment and financial pressure even worse and you won't ever be able to ease of the pressure on yourself if you keep leveraging debt.

The fact is you are supposed to be a team and you need to find a level /situation that works for you both.
Right now, this doesn't sound like it's working for you and he won't discuss it or go for counselling... that cant go on indefinitely.

Ideally what would have to happen to make you happy?

I have noticed on here the tendency for SAHM and part time workers to make their schedules fit around their DC and the higher earning DH.

Is there any way for your DH to keep his current job and cut back on hours a bit to take on more of the mental work?

Hang on a minute
He works long hours in a badly paid job
He does fuck all around the house
He has zero emotional intelligence
He has refused couple's counselling
He's never asked you to marry him (not that you should marry him: see all of the above)

Seriously? I was kind of (half) joking before about the gold penis... but what IS the point of him? What do you actually get out of the relationship?

Let me guess... the children have his surname

Maybe that's his contribution. Sperm and surnames.

I take children to school x 5, he collects x 2. I do swimming lessons and after school clubs. I pay school fees (substantial!) and all holiday cover. Sending them private is "my choice" .

I have the children for most of the weekends whilst he goes to work.

We both work locally- fortunately and are both flexible.

He pays the rent (in a tied house with his job) and some of the bills. I pay all food, holidays, clothing (not for him, I used to but saw the light!)

It's so tricky. Thank you for all the constructive advice so far 👍

AnotherEmma I think I love you!! Yes, they have his surname!!!!!!!!!

Of COURSE they do 🤦🏻‍♀️

I wouldn't be having joint finances with a bf. If he can't meet his 50/50 share of the bills then I'd expect far more and wouldn't be subsiding him. Likewise I wouldn't expect to be subsided. It's not an attractive quality to want to be "kept" as such.

I'd not be putting his name on the property either. I'd be advising my son/daughter not to do the same either if the other person wasn't pulling their financial weight.

Jeeeeez Louise
It never ceases to amaze me what women have been conditioned to put up with
I suppose that's patriarchy for you

You earn more are the principal provider and don't like your job and resent it. He is not pulling his weight at home. He does not want to marry you.

I think it speaks for itself op. I am sorry.

DH earnt lots more than me; I earnt nothing for years. He loved his job. I loved the home stuff (though I went back to work when youngest was settled in reception).

We both facilitated our lifestyle and still do. Largely due to DH although I brought a house to it at the start. But never ever has dh contemplated a home should only be in his name due to his earnings. In fact significant assets are in mine for tax purposes and because we are a team.

I've read your whole thread.

But this:
he's got zero emotional intelligence and really struggles yo talk about anything remotely difficult. He takes it as an attack every time. He's refused couples counselling.

... Honest question, why are you with him if that's what he's like?

What made you want to have three children with someone who has zero emotional intelligence?

My dp earns the same as me but honestly even if he didn't, he's so supportive and loving and lovely that it would be fine. Not sure if that would be so if I literally couldn't talk to him about things because he'd go off on a strop about it. Is that not incredibly unappealing to you??

OP, you said you usually pay for the cleaner. Are your finances not pooled? Do you think of yourselves as a partnership or two individuals?

You asked for other people's experiences. I'm not sure how helpful mine will be because my DH is very supportive, emotionally intelligent and more than pulls his weight at home. I earn about 3 times what he does, it would be twice if he were full time. He works 3 days a week in a difficult but flexible job, I work 5 days in a full-on job, which includes travelling. His being part time allows me to do my job, he does the bulk of the childcare, the cooking, shopping, mental load stuff (2 small DCs). We have a joint bank account, I really see it all as family money. However, and it's a big however, he is not motivated by money or status and if I needed a less stressful job or to work fewer hours he would happily downsize our house so I don't feel the pressure you allude to in your first post.

You asked how other people manage financial inequality. I mange it because our wages are only one aspect of our marriage. In fact, probably the least important thing. I feel very guilty about the household inequality (that I don't do much at home) and that causes problems.

OP the disparity in salaries shouldn't be an issue. One is always going to earn more than the other. No big deal.

If you were the guy no one would even comment.

I get that he might not have the same level of ambition as you (neither does my DP) but that's not a deal breaker. As long as you're a team.

The real issue is the allocation of effort in looking after kids, home etc.

Is he pulling his weight in that regard? I'd not that's what you need to focus on, rather than his pay packet.

If you subsidise your partner’s lifestyle it’s perfectly okay to stop and say from now on we are no longer doing joint finances. It may prod him to find a better paying job.

Are you going to go on all threads where the position is reversed and say the same? no thought not

Yes he should pull his weight more at home and thst would be a huge issue for me , but as far as the pure money aspect is concerned there are blatant double srandards going on here.

We are soon to face the situation of moving to a larger, expensive house owned solely by me because I have the money to buy it. It's what I've worked so hard for but he won't even own part of it as he has almost nothing to contribute.

I'm really uncomfortable with this situation. I think it'll be terrible for our relationship.

I should add that I do love him and I want to keep the family together.

This just doesn't make sense to me. I had already (with a mortgage) bought my first home before I met my dh. After he moved in, and then for the first 6 years of our marriage, he was studying, so it was my earnings that paid the mortgage and the bills in the main. However, I never felt like this. We were a partnership. A couple. Once the dc arrived, we were a family. Even once qualified, it was my salary that kept us going for a long time. But again, it was never an issue. Surely you contribute what you can. Some people are able to do / enjoy doing work that happens to pay well. Other people are able to do / enjoy doing work that pays less well. The issue here seems to be that you value his contribution less. It isn't like he is lying around doing nothing - you say he does stuff around the house and you say he works longer hours than you. I really can't get my head round the fact you are talking about 'buying your new house, solely owned by you' . When we moved, we got the mortgage based on my earnings, but it is our family home.

I agree with MadeforLess at 22:28:35 It seems you have an issue with the fact he isn't as driven by money or ambition as you are. I agree with GloomyMonday - if your life is making you unhappy, think about changes you can make to what you do. Accept that having less spending power is okay.

Why are you moving to a big expensive house? If you dislike your job, and the disparity in income is causing a problem, why don’t you change to a job that you like, that may pay less?

My dh always earned at least 3 times my salary. At times when l was a sahm l earned nothing. Never once did he complain or call it his money. When we married he had a house and a thriving business. My name has always been on everything.
He is not retired and due to bad health has much less than l earn. Its still not an issue.
I think if your dp measured up in lots of other ways it wouldn't be an issue. If ye are together for years and have dc together surely you must want to include him in the house. Otherwise he should leave as he has no security at all.